Save You Tonight

45.

~August 6, 2016~

Harry's POV

I'm suck a fucking idiot. I ruined everything. I ruined the one good thing going in my life. The one person who meant the world to me. I lost that calmness I felt with her, now I was a mess, a bloody mess. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I spent most of my time up in my room. The last day and a half  has been a complete hell. The silent ride home from the airport Saturday was torture. I was dying to beg her again for her forgiveness, but I knew in the end it was pointless. I know she needed time to heal, and I know she needed to do it on her own. I know that what I did was unforgivable and I wouldn't blame her if she chose to never forgive me. I hurt her, when I promised her I wouldn't. I hurt her doing something that was completely inappropriate, with someone who I know Maci thinks is better for me.

I wish I could make her see how truly sorry I am, and that she knows I mean it when I say I will never do something like that again. Hell, I'm never drinking again, it always gets me in trouble. I just wish I could let her see everything I see, let her feel what I feel, only then will she be able to understand just how deeply I love her, and how beautiful and amazing i think she is and how terrible I feel for what I did to her. She's the best thing to ever happen to me and I may have just fucked it up.

I don't deserve her anyways. My life is to fucked up. I'm a ex-boybander who is now stuck in limbo until I get signed by another label. Who knows if someone would want me, everyone may think I'm nothing without One Direction. Who knows. Maci doesn't want to be with a failure anyways. Plus I see how tough it is for her to be chased down by some fans, to have our dinners interrupted, and our dates cut short because the paparazzi got to be to much. She shouldn't have to deal with that, I shouldn't ask her too. It's just causing her unwanted anxiety and she's dealing with that enough as it is.

I decided to shower today, thinking two days is long enough and I'm sure my mum is tired of smelling me whenever I come downstairs. My hair is getting too long and I hate having to deal with it. I think it's long enough for charity now, I will have to check up on that. I throw it up in a bun and head down stairs. My shirt sticking to my damp body feels nice since it feels so humid today. I walk into the kitchen and Robin and my mom were sitting at the breakfast nook and they look up when I walk in. My mom gives me a small smile and Robin nods. They both know something happened between Maci and I, but didn't pry into what exactly happens. Thankfully. I didn't want to tell my parents that I fucked up and hurt Maci in a way that may be unforgivable.

"Hi sweetie, Gemma was just looking for you," my mum tells me, only glancing up at me long enough to make sure I heard her. It's like they know what happened was my fault. God, I'm really glad they don't know. They would probably disown me. Hell, I'd disown me.

"Okay, thanks," I call out, grabbing a banana and heading out to the guest house. I wonder if Maci is up. I don't think she would be downstairs anyways. She stayed up in her room all day Saturday after we got back from LA and I have a feeling that's where she will be all day today.

She scared the shit out of me last night when she started screaming. More so when I realized she was screaming my name. I have never ran so fast before in my life, barely making it up the stairs in one piece. When I saw her thrashing out in her bed and the sad, hurt look on her face, I almost broke. I did break when she screamed at me to leave. It was then I realized just how badly she was hurt. How badly I had hurt her. I'm a terrible person.

I knock on the guest house door before letting myself in. Gemma is sitting at the breakfast bar, a cup of coffee in her hands and her iPad on the counter in front of her. She frowns at me when she sees me so I know she hasn't quite forgiven me yet either.