Floating at Night

7. Exposed secrets

Present...

Ali left me alone in the house almost two nights ago and I can't say that I blame her. She got the invite of a lifetime, a trip to one of the nicest beaches within a driving distance, a beach house, and a great group of people to go with. The only thing that sucked was that I wasn't invited too.
I didn't know the group of girls who invited Ali. I'd met them, sure, but I didn't know them like she did.
She's been at the beach and I've been here. All by my lonesome.
I desperately miss having someone to talk to. Sure I could call Justin, or David, but I really don't like either of those options right now.
I bet Justin is still pissed at me.
I dialed Tina's number. She never really answered though. "You've got Tina! Leave a message or something." Her voice rung through my ears. "Great." I mumbled, hanging up and tossing my phone to the side. Ali called when she could, but I don't want to hold her back from having the best time while she's away. I picked my phone up again and dialed the same number I've been dialing for years. The only difference is, this time I don't know if he'll answer.
"Hello, beautiful." Justin's voice calmed my nerves as I spoke. "Hey. Can you come over?" I heard some guys talking in the background and I immediately regretted calling. He's obviously at a bar or the pool hall. "Why would you want me to come over, Noelle?" He sounded sloppy, like he was too drunk to give a fuck if his friends heard what he was saying to me.
"I'm sorry. Okay? I'm so fucking sorry. But Ali left me alone tonight and I am on edge. I need someone to come over and I want it to be you." He couldn't see me sitting here, shaking with every breath I take. Usually, Ali helps me with my anxiety. She helps me calm down before it's full blown panic attacks and break downs.

"No, dude. You don't get it. She's begging me to come over." Justin was talking to one of his friends. He sounded sad. "Justin, sit down. You'll regret it tomorrow." I can't tell who it is talking, but if I had to guess... David.
"Justin, please." My voice came out barely above a whisper. I could feel myself slipping away as the old me crept in. "Fuck. Baby, don't move." His friends protested as he told them all to fuck off. "David, she's really upset..." he explained. David said something back to him. Something I couldn't understand. There was one word I understood though. Baker.
"No!" Justin was pissed. "Just let him," David said. Justin protested again but David ended up winning whatever argument was going on between them.
"Noelle?" David was speaking to me now. "David? Where's Justin? I need him here, now. Please. Please let him help me." I begged. David sounded defeated on the other end of the line. "Noelle please don't hang up." I sat confused for a second before a new voice came through my phone.

"Baby doll?"

My heartbeat sped up immediately. "No. No, no, no. Baker let me talk to Justin," I cried, the tears finally spilling over. "Talk to me, Noelle. Let me help you through this." His voice was music to my ears, but at the same time it made my skin crawl. How could someone love me and hurt me the way he did?

"Baker... I mean it. I need him. Please." He stopped breathing. I could almost imagine his lips, the hurt in his eyes. "Baby doll... I'm so sorry." His voice was barely a whisper.
I heard some shuffling on the other end before the call ended. I don't know if Justin is coming over or not, but I can't stop pacing by the door.
A part of me hopes he doesn't come. The same part that hopes that he does. It can't decide whether we love or hate him. It's like in my mind, the very thin line between the two has been blurred and I can't re-establish it clearly no matter what I do.

A knock startled me. It's been almost twenty minutes since the call ended. That's more than enough time to get here from the pool hall. I peeked through the window by the door, praying that I could make out whoever it was standing on the other side.
No luck.
"Baby..."
Justin.
I swung the door open, clinging to his shirt as he wrapped his arms around me. I breathed in his scent. It overwhelmed all my senses and steadied my heartbeat as he kicked the door shut behind him. He never let go of me.
I felt myself break. My tears soaking his shirt. I haven't broken down like this in almost a year. I think he's part of the reason I've held it all together.
"You have to stop calling me baby..." I mumbled, looking up at him. He brushed a tear off of my cheek, kissing the spot where it once was. "Why?" He asked, his voice deep and full of agony. "Because when I hear you say it... it makes it so hard not to fall in love with you." His eyes widened with surprise.
"Then I'll never stop saying it." He pressed his lips against mine, it was a long, deep kiss.
I pulled back for a second. "Justin, you're drunk." He looked at me seriously. "Baby, the second I heard you crying, I sobered up."
I couldn't help the butterflies that erupted in my stomach. This man. This unbelievably stupid man. He's in love with me.
And selfishly, I want him to stay that way.
I pull him back down to me. I loved the feeling his lips left on mine, the freshly kissed numb of them. I loved the feeling of them on my lips more.
He kissed me as if I was going to disappear. He kissed me with need, with want, and I knew I had to have him.
He pushed me back against the counter, his hands under my ass lifting me on top of it. "Baby, are you okay with this?" He asked. I pulled his shirt over his head, "I want you. Justin, I need you." He understood perfectly as he embraced me in another kiss. His hand was on my cheek, soon it was tracing the edges of my jawline, until it rested on my throat. I threw my head back as he followed his fingertips with wet, gentle kisses. Until he was just above my bra.
"Justin..." I moaned, pulling his body closer to mine. "Oh, baby. If you keep moaning my name like that... you're gonna have my babies." Instantly my mind snapped into focus. I pushed him back, breathing heavily.
"It was a joke, Noelle. I didn't mean it." He tried to resume kissing my neck but I stopped him. "It's not a joke to me." He looked at me pointedly. I could tell he was confused. I made the entire friend group promise they wouldn't tell him anything about my past, but I guess it's time that I finally man up and do it myself.

"Justin, I was pregnant."

His eyes were shocked, then... scared?

"When?" He asked, taking a step back from me. "Almost four years ago." He looked relieved. "Wait, did you think I meant with your baby?" I questioned, almost laughing. "For a second. I mean come on, just burst out you were pregnant with no context with the guy you've been hooking up with for over a year." I see his point.
"Wait, what happened? You were pregnant but you don't have a baby? I'm confused." His eyebrows furrowed as I led him into the living room. "The thing you need to understand about me, is I've always been this way. I've never been open with my emotions. After my parents died, Baker became like home to me."

"One day, it became more. What was between us became more than friendship. I fell for him. We had sex and I wound up pregnant. But Baker... he had fallen in with the wrong crowd. And some shit came back to bite him." I stopped, my hands shaking as I remember the events myself.

It's been so long since I've even thought about that night. I pushed down the scream that was threatening to fall from my lips as I remember the way I felt when his hand slid down my thigh.
They never arrested him.

"Noelle..." I looked back up, only now realizing there was someone else in the room.
"You don't have to tell him." Ali was standing in the doorway, her bags on the floor beside her. "What are you doing home so early?" I asked, my lips tugging into a smile. "Well, those bitches turned out to be mean." I frowned. Why would anyone be mean to Ali? She is the kindest, purest, most loyal friend I've ever had.
"They- what? Why?" I asked. She shrugged her shoulders. I heard Justin clear his throat and I knew instantly that he had questions about the other conversation we were having. "Come on, let's go to my room. We can finish talking in there." I gave Ali a side hug before I walked with Justin. He knew the way.

"You know, you really don't have to tell me whatever it is. I know it's what people have been so hush-hush about since I came back. I don't know what happened when I moved away, but I knew it was bad." I sat down on my bed and fought the urge to pull him on top of me. Bad habits.
"Yeah. It was. It took me a long, long time to get over it. In some ways I still can't get past it. But I need to tell you." He nodded his head for me to continue. "So. Baker got involved with the hollowmen. There was some shit going on I had no idea about but to get to the point, there were gangs in the area that got pissed off that they were nosing around." He stopped me, "wait, the motorcycle gang? What the hell did he get you involved in... those guys are incredibly dangerous and he should have never-" he stopped himself. "I'm sorry. I'm sure you know all this." I nodded before I kept going.
"Yeah, I know. A gang member from a different town shot him. That same day... I waited in the hospital for him and waited and waited. I chugged a bottle of something strong. I don't even remember what it was at this point."
I swallowed hard. I need to get this out. I need to tell him, to say it.
"The same gang attacked me for being with him. They... they beat me and Ali. Then they let her go." My voice was shaky, but not nearly as shaky as my hands.

"They raped me, Justin."