Floating at Night

5 Forever Could Never be Long Enough

Present...

Justin had his hand on my lower back, which I shook off. I stepped toward Baker, his eyes stirring up something inside of me. Something dirty.

"Really? You're fucking this guy?" Baker said, stepping toward me. I took a step back, praying that Justin finds his way to his truck and out of the parking lot before I lost it on Baker. "Goodbye, Justin." Baker watched me carefully as I backed away from him. Every step I took he took another closer. "Noelle..." Justin was right behind me, and if his tone has any indication, he's scared shitless of Baker. "I'm fine, Justin. I'll call you when I get home," I turned to face him. His eyes flickered between me and Baker. "I thought you hated that guy." I looked at the ground. Not everyone around here was around here when Baker was. Not everyone saw the fallout he left behind. "I do. I'm not scared of him, though. He would never, ever, hurt me. Physically at least. Please go. There's three years of unfinished business we're about to unload." He kissed my forehead and climbed back into his truck. Thankfully, he wasn't about to hear everything I was about to say.

"You low, selfish, disgusting, unforgivable dog. What in the hell were you thinking coming back here?" I asked, turning back to face Baker. "I love you too, baby doll." He closed the few feet of distance between us in two steps and had me pressed against my own vehicle. His hips dug into mine, the familiar flutter in my belly as he leaned toward me. "Tell me you missed me." I let myself look into his eyes. I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in mine. All of the love I felt for this man, the ache of loneliness, the dull throbbing pain of my heart shattering all over again, it all came down on me like a tidal wave. His lips threatened to tug up into a smile, and I vowed to wipe it off his face. So I did. I brought the palm of my hand across his face so hard that even I jumped when I heard it.

"Do not ever speak to me again. I do not want to see you, I do not want to hear your god forsaken name. Go back to wherever the fuck you came from." With each word, my anger grew more and more.

He had everything. He had me and a beautiful baby on the way and he left. When he wrecked that car, he destroyed our relationship, and a captain does indeed go down with the ship. I was sinking. I was sinking so fast and so far and when I reached the bottom of the ocean and looked up, reaching for him, he was no longer waiting for me at the surface.

"We were going to have a daughter, by the way." And with that I left.

He was not going to ruin me again. I wouldn't let him.

I sped out of the parking lot with my phone to my ear, waiting on Ali to answer. It rang and it rang until I finally gave up and decided to just see her at home.

"Ali!" I yelled, shutting the back door behind me. "Yeah?" She answered from the living room. I walked in, surprised to see David sitting on the couch next to her. "Did you know?" I asked, glaring a hole through David. "He said he wanted to see you..." he mumbled, earning a surprised gasp from Ali. "Wait... You came over to keep me from interfering with Baker finding Noelle? You bastard!" She smacked the back of his head with a loud thud. "He saw me alright," I mumbled, walking past them toward my bed room.

I heard Ali kick David out, shouting something about how cruel it was of him to let Baker come back into my life and something about how she was not to be used as a pawn in his little game of lies.

Her footsteps came slowly, then a knock outside my bedroom door. I contemplated telling her I was fine and going to bed but I really, truly, did not want to repeat the same mistakes that lead me down the rabithole last time. So, I let her in.

"You slapped him? Oh my god, and he came up right after you and Justin finished? Holy shit, talk about awkward timing. Do you think he saw you..." She was laughing histerically at my misery. "Thank you, thank you for making me feel like it's all a big joke." I huffed. She stopped laughing for a second, then kept going. "Isn't it? I mean isn't it though?" And I couldn't help but laugh with her.

She really gets me. Seeing Baker tonight felt so satisfying. It was like, after all this time, my mind just craved the peace of knowing that he did make it out and that he is alive somewhere. I loved him once and I hate myself for it. I don't ever, ever want to get back into that headspace. It took years for me to convince myself that he wasn't like the rest of the guys, that he wasn't going to hurt me.

Then he left.

Now it's taken years of healing. Years of convincing myself that I'm better off without him and without love completely. Ali is all I need.

I woke up without a hangover. Which is surprising considering how much I drank. Ali was still asleep, her arm hanging off the bed. There was never a morning I woke up next to Ali that I wished it was anyone else. There was never a morning that I woke up regretting never settling down.

"Wake up!" I yelled, giving her a kick in the ass.

She huffed loudly, rolling over to face me. "What'd you do that for?" She asked. "I had to wake you up before my mind started to wander into the dark places." She nodded in understanding before rolling back over. "No! Don't go back to sleep," I whined. "I'm not. I'm just laying here. What were you thinking about that scared you?" I shrugged my shoulders. "It's not necessarily what I was thinking about, just what I could start to think about." She nodded again.

The morning passed like this, me talking, her nodding. She's never been a morning person. Once it reached about ten, we decided to get dressed and grab some food.

Ali gave me the thumbs up as she stuck her head back into the diner. I had her do a walk through to insure none of my mistakes from last night were around to bug me. Once she gave me the thumbs up I entered the diner with caution. "So, what do you want to eat? It's a little early for lunch." I glanced over the menu before answering, "Probably pancakes and bacon." She glanced over her menu before saying back to me, "I think I'll have the same." We ordered and ate in silence. It was a very content meal.

"Ali, hey." David called as he walked toward us. He leaned down and whispered something in her ear, causing her eyes to bulge before she covered her mouth. "What the hell is happening?" I asked, gaining a fierce glare from Ali and a sympathetic look from David. "Nothing. Baker drama," David mumbled, looking around suspiciously. "What kind of drama?" I asked. He hesitated before speaking again. "You know, just Baker. Dramatic as ever," Ali said. I could tell when she lies, she always pulls at her hair. "Liars. I'm leaving." I got up to walk out but David blocked my path. "David move." He shook his head. "I can't. He really wants to talk to you. To work everything out." I laughed, loudly.

"Baker wants to talk? Are you stupid? Is he? I told him last night that forever wouldn't be long enough to never see, hear, or think of him again." My chest was aching as I said it.

They don't need to know that it's a lie.

Because deep down, I know I want to see him. I want to see him in the morning when I wake up. I want to see him at night before I go to sleep. I desperately want to see him holding our baby in his arms as sleep overtakes her.
And that's the problem.
In order to heal at all, I had to grieve him. And in grieving him and our daughter, I realized that it was better to grieve the past in general, there was so much left there to grieve. But this is a new Baker.

I've never seen this Baker before and I have a terrible feeling that he's going to break the dam I have holding back all of those emotions from so long ago.