Monsieur Laurier

Final Note and Thank You.

TW: Teenage Suicide and Sexual Assault

If you've made it all this way, thank you so much. It really means a lot to me. I'm really thankful for all your votes and comments, and I especially loved knowing what your thoughts are when you were reading.

I started writing this book almost immediately after I went on an indefinite hiatus on All American Boys after something terrible happened to me. That isn't the point of this post of course, it's been a very long time since then, a lot of things has happened in my journey of healing. But I suppose what I wanted to say was that this book was a major part of it. It would be somewhat of an understatement to say I didn't pour my soul into it. This book was my outlet for my emotions and internally it helped me a lot. Some of you are my readers back from the time I was writing All American Boys, and I never got the chance to say thank you for all your well wishes and kind words.

Some of you have asked  (with concern) if the events in Monsieur Laurier were based on my life. First of all, thank you for wanting to know more about me and for being so kind, but to answer that question, no, for better or for worse (better mostly) they for the most part aren't. But the themes that I discussed in this book were.

The chapter on discussing sexual assault was probably one of the most personal things I have ever written, and probably one of the most important to me as well. I knew publishing it that the concept of consensual non-consent is highly divisive. But as a survivor I myself had dealt with such feelings especially as I've come to terms with things and built healthier relationships with people who loved and respected me and my boundaries. It was something that I have talked about and discussed with some of my friends who are also survivors. I remembered reading about it in survivor's groups and resources. Healing is different for everyone, and though I am in a much better place now, it wouldn't be possible without friends, family and therapists who have supported me in my journey without judgement.

This book had always meant to be a book about growth and healing, and that was the core plot of the entire storyline. It's never about saving others - it's about saving yourself. This is not to say that we shouldn't help others, but to rely on others to save you takes away your own agency and leaves you helpless. At the end of the day you are your biggest - and sometimes only - saviour, but at the same time being at the mercy of things that you can never control.

One of the things that I really appreciated about writing from Mateu's point of view was how I was able to explore his character over time. The flashbacks in the earlier chapters and in the chapters where there was emotional conflict were kind of meant to symbolise the mental and emotional state of being stuck in limbo between past, present and future. I also liked how it limits what the reader knows, as Mateu can't know everything. Just like how we can't possibly know everything, not even ourselves. And that would tie in to a few incidents in my life that I realised had a direct impact on how I felt and wrote about death in general.

Death is also another one of the central themes in this book, mostly because it had been quite formative in my own years growing up. I get that some people may find that the deaths in the book were unnecessary, or even verging on glorification. Depends on how you look at it, the deaths of the brothers could be preventable, objectively speaking - given that I've never really given an absolute truth to the reason why they did what they did. Which ties me in to the incident in my life that I would like to share with you.

When I was fifteen, in a school environment not too dissimilar to the one in this book, a boy a year younger than me ended his life. I didn't know him personally, and by this time I don't even remember his name. A few years later, when I was seventeen, we had two suicides barely a week apart. A girl my age and a boy a year older. The boy was a friend of one of my seniors, and the girl went to church with some of the girls from my class.

Even after all these years I still think about them. They were bright and brilliant, and they chose to end their lives. I'm not here to moralise or justify why they did what they did, because we will never truly know. I just wanted to capture the helplessness me and a lot of people felt that their deaths left in their wake.

I'm grateful to be here truly. I have a lot to be thankful for. I've struggled through mental illness, sexual assault and suicidal thoughts but I'm glad that I'm finally in a better place. I've graduated from university and I'm really excited to embark on a new career. I'm grateful for the life I've lived and I wouldn't change a thing about it.

This book was in a sense like a diary of my own progress, just like it had been for Mateu. I'm just so grateful that so many people were able to share that meaning with me.

Thank you.