"What is love in this temporal life, if not just a distraction from the pain that doesn't seem to end."
After losing his best friend to an unexplained suicide, Mateu finds himself left to pick up the pieces with his best friend's younger brother, Fe...
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After all these weeks I finally could grasp the word for the sullen feeling that seemed to always be there, residing at the base of my chest. Heartbreak.
I finally understood why it hurt so much. I finally understood why it pained me so much when I realised I had lost him. I was finally able to separate the hurt and grief I felt for Rafel with the feelings I had for Ferran.
I loved him, and I realised it too late. Now he was gone.
"You don't have to apologise for anything," Momo said as he got ready to leave the next morning. "It's fine."
But of course he wasn't fine. I saw the look on his face.
We decided to go to sleep immediately after my failed attempt at sex the night before. I noticed him shying away from me as we lay down, so after a few minutes of tossing and turning, I decided to leave him the bed and slept on the sofa outside instead.
Once I was alone, it truly hit me. The wave of sadness crashing into me like the waves against a rocky shore. I couldn't help but let my tears fall as the tightness grew in my chest. The intense sorrow, a culmination of the feelings that I had been holding back all these months.
The next morning I had offered to make him breakfast, but he mumbled under his breath that he'd just grab something from the boulangerie. He had gotten dressed, his dark hair still tousled. He looked miserable. He couldn't even look at me. I felt bad for making him feel terrible, but I didn't know what to say.
"I'd walk you to the station," I offered.
"It's alright," he muttered, his hands shoved into his pockets.
"I feel terrible about yesterday," I said. "I just want to make it up to you."
He paused for a moment as I reached for my keys and unlocked the door for him.
"I'd like to be alone," came his reply.
He could barely meet my gaze.
"Yeah," I said, stepping back. "I understand."
And with that, he was gone. I didn't even manage to ask him for his number. And as I closed the door behind me, I slipped back into the familiar realisation that I was truly alone.
Moving on was easier said than done. By this time my sorrows had all seemed to merge into one tangled mess, separate threads of sadness becoming indistinguishable from one another. It was true. They were all different, logically I knew they were, but the sadness from the loss of Ferran seemed to build on to the sorrow I felt when I lost Rafel. But I knew that I shouldn't let the sadness take control of my life, but that day I felt like I ought to take care of myself. Besides, the sun streaming into my living room was practically trying to force me to feel happy.
But I wasn't going to try my force myself to feel in any particular way or another.
After a quick shower and a change of fresh clothes, I lay myself down on the sofa and closed my eyes. Putting on some slow, sad music I let myself take where my thoughts took me. It almost felt like I was adrift on a raft, floating down a stream of melancholy. I suppose I had run away from my sadness for far too long, trying to distract myself or simply refusing to address it – but it was time I just surrender myself to it and allow myself to feel the way that I feel.
