Rebel Heart [#1]

THIRTY-FIVE - Avoidance

Shane held me until I fell asleep in his arms, with his fingers quickly lulling me to sleep as they ran through my hair. The familiarity of his smell and the comfort of his body have been my chill pill replacement ever since.

It's unhealthy, especially since I know how he feels about me, but I can't help it. It's all I crave. His hugs, his cuddles... And while he hasn't ever refused me, it has been affecting him because I can feel the distancy.

Not physically, but emotionally.

He hasn't pressured me to talk---which in itself is unlike him---but more than that. He hasn't been talking at all. All the words I get are the good morning greetings and the "how are you feeling" questions. If I happen to try and deepen on emotional stuff, he bolts. Literally.

I don't want to be paranoid or look like a raging jealous girlfriend, but the fact that he refuses to meet my eye, creates more questions in my brain. Why does he seem so guilty? And about what?

To be honest, I am not emotionally prepared to face that or anything else for that matter. That is why I have been keeping myself busy for the past two weeks, successfully avoiding my father and Luca.

The only one that has been around, every now and then, is Mr Robot, even if he doesn't really approach me. Which I get, he's just doing his job.

But all of this situation is draining. My body is stiff, and my head often feels too heavy, as if I am constantly sleepy and tired. Which, I guess I am.

And while I don't feel too energised, today is sunny and not cold, so I have forced myself to come outside for a long walk. As usual, spending some alone time by the river has a calming effect on me. After a one hour walk, I sit on a bench, looking over the wide stream of salty water.

The seagulls fly around, a few of them trying to fish on the river while the sparrows chirp in the tree branches around me. The sunrays uniquely hit the city, making it look as if it were embroidered in light. It shines bright and clear, and the water helps to reflect it even more. That light somehow consumes my darkness for a little bit, lifting a small weight off of my shoulders.

I take advantage of that small moment of peace to dive into one of my e-books and escape my problems. To escape my own life. And it works, for a little bit. Getting to understand more about the Knights Templar in detail may sound boring to many, but it's fascinating to me. Most think they were extinguished in thirteen and fourteen and puff... all of their wealth and secrets were buried with them, but were they?

In Portugal, a new order was made to sort of secure the Portuguese knights' templar members a haven. Well, technically, this order was created with the excuse that the south of the country was still too close to enemy territory and under constant threat of attack, but we all know that the ultimate goal was to protect the Knights Templar.

All the portuguese knights templar became Knights of Christ, and all the other international members of the exinguished order that wanted a safe place to live were welcomed into it with open arms.

Learning all of these transitions and the fact that all of the wealth they had completely vanished is one of the biggest misteries in history I love to learn more about. And just like the nerd that I am, being immersed in all of these details prevents me from being aware of my surroundings.

Learning all of these details didn't allow me to register a person approaching me.

"Hey." My body jumps, and my phone falls to the ground.

"Fuck," I hiss, ignoring the owner of that voice I have been dreading hear for a couple of weeks and focus on making sure my phone didn't break.

"Sorry," he mutters, "Didn't mean to scare you."