Dominic
A hand reached towards me, carving its fingers through a coruscate radiance that submerged the world around me with a luminous white glow, as if I were inside the flame of a wax candle. I couldn't see anything but the light and that hand.
The soft thin fingers of the hand clasped together in a hesitant gesture, the melody of a seraphic voice ensued. A familiar voice "No." she said "No this isn't right. Not yet."
The moment the words escaped from the light, I knew who it was. Her tone was low and husky, like gravel on charred cement or grounded coffee beans, something that I carried a hint of in my voice as well. But...but it couldn't be.
"Mother?" I asked hesitantly as I was talking to a void, but the clearer it became something was there. She was there.
I still saw nothing but the hand and the glow forthwith, though the tanned tone of her skin filled my memories in an instant. How could this be? How was this her?
"Dom." Her voice lifted with a sweet tune.
"Mother!" I said again, this time louder. My voice echoed endlessly off the invisible walls of the foggy light, reaching far away then slinging back into my ears. "How...how? Is it really you?"
The voice said nothing, but I knew the answer. It was. It had to be.
"Mom please! Please come closer...I...I wanna see your face." It had been so long, I had almost forgotten what she looked like. I knew I shared her skin and marine blue eyes, but I had almost forgotten the color of her hair. Was it light brown or blonde? I hated myself for not being able to remember. I had to see her again. If this was her in front of me, I needed to see her face.
"Not yet my dear." Her words rushed off her tongue like the waves of the ocean. A controlled tide of bittersweetness. "You don't belong with me."
"Of course I belong with you! I did what you said...I tried....I tried to be strong. I did what I could. I lived by your words."
"And living by my words you shall succeed doing. But not here my darling." My darling. How I missed hearing her say that. Only her could bring me back to that innocent kid I once was.
"But I want to be with you. It's been so long...I haven't gone a day without thinking of you." I moved closer, and the hand pulled back for a moment. This was her, I knew it. My heart should have leaped in excitement, but I felt no beat. Odd.
"It's not your time." She said, her voice pursuing an even greater echo.
Not my time? This was nothing but a dream. Only a dream. But not once has any of my dreams felt so real, and I vividly dreamt every night.
I felt her soft hand touch the side of my cheek, and a spark lit with it. This was the touch of my mother. The same touch that hugged me close everynight before bed, that pulled me near when I felt afraid, and that cupped my cheek the night she died. Maybe I didn't want to see her face, I'd be afraid I'd see the look in her eyes moments before her life was ripped away. That bleeding agony, that loud cry for help that seemed to reflect silence in my fathers ears. I didn't want to experience that...not again.
"Not yet my darling, not yet." Her touch left, and a shiver of coldness ran down my back. The hand started to fade into the light, becoming nothing but a blur.
"No!" I reached out my arm, clasping hold of my mothers gentle fingers. "I don't want you to leave..please. I have so much I need to tell you. So much. Don't go."
"I'm not the one whos going."
"I've missed you. So much. So much you don't even know."
"Of course I know, I've missed you too. So much that a part of me resigns in you. So much in me is in you...my spirit needs to be carried, and you can't carry it here." She moved farther back, my grasp on her hand tighter, more eager. She couldn't leave me. Not now. Not like this. I wouldn't abandon this moment being reunited after going every day missing her more.
"I want to stay here with you!"
"You can't."
"Yes I can!"
"No." Her voice had a hardness to it, much like mine, "You can't."
"But-"
"Dominic." Her words wrapped around my head and bounced off the light, "Let me go."
Let me go. If only it were that easy.
"No...no I can't. I can't let you go!" Tears bridged the edge of my eyes. Not once in my life have I ever felt this vulnerable. I haven't shed a tear since Ezras...well it's been a long time. But now? Pleading to my mother? A figure? I didn't understand. "I can't let you go." I looked down in defeat, my feet balanced on white nothingness.
Her tone was stiff, more prominent. Like it was an order rather than a suggestion, "Let me go."
I didn't want to, there was so much of me that didnt want to. But I wouldn't disobey my mother.
So I untwined my fingers from her grasp, and I let go.
And suddenly I was falling. The lightness faded away instantly to a black void, my body limp at the feeling of dragging endlessly down this depth of night. I heard a quick beat in my ears, my heart was pumping blood again. A taste danced in my mouth, it was fresh, it was cool...it was air. Was I not breathing air that whole time? A reverberation of voices resounded around my head as my drop began to weigh less heavy on my body.
I tried to save you...I tried but I couldn't.
Evelyn?
...Look!
It worked!
My back plummeted onto something hard and a jolt of energy jerked my body awake. I swung my head up, my lungs graping air recklessly as my chest beat up and down with the turbulent pace of my heart. I tried to lift my hands to push the hair from my eyes, but my palms wouldn't stop trembling. My body was soaked in a cold sweat, my limbs bearing a tingly feel to them. Before the light, last I remembered was the woods. We fought off the troopers easily, but I had my battle of my own to fight. And I thought for sure I lost. I did lose...I thought I was...what the hell happened?
"Oh my god. Oh my god, you're awake!" A voiced rung to the side of me. I shook my head, trying to rid the awful pain that plunged through it, but trying would be useless.
"Where...where is she?" I blinked my eyes, determining whether I was still in the light. I realized I wasn't when I saw the walls of my room pinned in the corner of my view.
"Where is who?"
"My---nobody."
God, I wanted to put my head back on that pillow so bad. I was overcome with a surge of fatigue that was impossibly conscious, Though decided I should keep my neck steady as soon as I saw the worried eyes of the person next to me. Evelyn.
"How?" I grasped my head, "I was...I thought I was." Evelyn peered at me trying to connect my words, but she was just as confused as I. It was only a dream. Nothing more.
"How do you feel?" Evelyn had a nervous shake to her voice. Her eyes were tired, a tint of red with dark shadows hanging under then. She still looked....well she looked like Evelyn. How long had I been here? How long had she been here?
"How long have I-?"
"Three days."
"Three days!" I was out three days? Theo's gonna have my head on a rake! And my Rogues...my fighters, they needed me, and I was out sleeping soundly like a rich official with no worries. Instinctively I hurled my back off the bed, with immediate regret when a nauesting ache burned in the side of my stomach.
Evelyn pushed her hands on my chest, instantly seizing me back down on the mattress. Her touch, only colliding with my skin for a moment, sent a rush through my blood. But since when was she so...so hostile? My brow lifted in confusion.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she interrogated me with a snappy aspiration.
My voice fell weak, finding words hard to push forth. An astoundment over her new grit I wasn't quite used to. "Im...well, I'm...I'm getting up. I have to-"
"Damn you Dominic."
What did she just say to me?
"This isn't a wound you could just sleep off. This isn't a joke. You almost died and now you want to get up? Think about yourself for one goddamn minute! You're not getting up...That's not happening."
Naturally, anyone else would be fuming at a tone like that, but I was left rather in dismay. I loved when her voice curled in anger. I esteemed that spike under her softness. Everytime she reprimanded me, I was drawn closer for some reason. It was an odd thing to find alluring, but not even Verena could talk to me with that much coldness in her tone. It was awfully sensual. Nonetheless I couldn't just sit there, no matter how much I didn't mind staring. The Rogues needed me, especially now.
"Im getting up." I demanded
"No. You're not." She folded her arm over her chest, a lift of her chin suggesting her sharp resolution.
Giving me a taste of my own bloody medicine? I see how it is.
I rolled my eyes and peered down at my body that was sheltered with a white blanket. I was curious to see the damage that bastard inflicted on me, the moments it happened felt as if it occurred only seconds ago. The rush in his eyes, the satisfaction of seeing me die. God, he was going to pay. For the hell he'd caused me he was going to burn along with the rest of his damned society. I was glad he thought I was gone, so I could catch him offguard when I rose from the dead.
I fondled my fingers on the blanket and tore it off my body. My chest was bare, my torso wrapped in a tight bandage that hugged over the edges of my stomach. I watched Evelyn's breath pull back followed by a redness in her cheeks. I almost wanted to smile.
My fingers brushed over the bandage cautiously. How was it not soaked in blood? I couldn't understand, the stab was so deep. The bandage should be drenched vermillion.
As I tried to lift the bandage up to reveal my lesion, Evelyn reached her hand towards me in a halt, "Dont!" She exclaimed.
"I want to see it."
"You...you shouldn't remove the bandage yet."
"Too bad." No wonder she spoke to me the way she did, I returned the mouth back with ease.
I lifted the gauze up before she could say another word, and what I saw...well what I saw surely was not what I expected. How? I shot a perplexed glance at Evelyn, she titled her head in uneasiness , her eyes shifting so they could meet anywhere but the depths of mine. What is she hiding? I fixed my gaze back to the wound, more so what was the wound. My skin was fresh, fringed with a lineament of a cut that was sealed shut, a small bit of bruising around it. The oddest thing about it was it wasnt secured from the outside like a stitch, no. My skin was woven together from the inside.
"What is this?" I pointed to the abrasion, touching the sealed flesh in awe. I healed fast, but not that fast, not with a cut like that.
"What, have you never seen your own skin before?" Evelyn acted as if she didn't know what I meant. She was a terrible liar.
"You're funny." I rolled my eyes, "What is this?" I probed again.
"I don't know what you mean." stop lying, it's too obvious.
"I watched the blade rip through my stomach. I felt it too. Damn did I feel it...so...so dont act like you don't know what this is!" I shivered, the pain I felt when that hell of a rake collided with my flesh couldn't even be described to reward the grueling ache full justice. It was...I didn't want to think about it. Though the aftermath still hurt, it didn't come close to how it felt before. I've been struck many times, but never that close, never with so much power, so much meaning. This one ached more than just my stomach.
I remembered laying on my side when Celeste called that girl over, that redhead from the Chamber. She...she put me to sleep. A Deja! That damn thing put me to sleep, how dare she? She did this...she fixed me. It was her. I would have rather died than have a Deja help me live.
"It was her!"
"Who?" Evelyn questioned in surprise.
"The..the Deja. She did this didn't she? She put me asleep then she...she saved me? Why would she save me?"
"Dominic I-"
"No. I cant believe a Deja laid a finger on me."
"Dominic..."
"Im gonna kill it!"
"Dominic!" Evelyn shouted, the roughness of her voice catching my attention immediately, "Gemma didn't heal you...I did."
"You did?" I almost forgot what Evelyn was. I felt ashamed of myself...threatening the Deja when she was one of them. I immediately felt regret, but not full regret. Evelyn used her powers on me, and a part of me I tried to shut out but couldn't quiet, was absolutely disgusted by that. "How-how did you-?"
"Im...I'm not really sure. But yes..." She sighed, "...I healed you. Do you want to kill me now too?"
A little bit. I said nothing.
"Dominic." She hugged herself in her arms, her face painted with underlying distress. "I didn't want to, but I...I had too. I didn't know what else to do, alright! If there was any other way I could have helped you I would have, but there wasn't. It was just too much, that cut was so deep,I thought for a second for sure you were-" She held her breath for a moment, then pushed the air back out slowly, "It was the only way I could help you. Im sorry."
Why was I such an asshole? Of course she was only trying to help me, how could I be so insensitive? As much as I loathed those unnatural abilities Mind Wielders endured, I was beginning to think that maybe I hated them so much because I'd only ever seen the worst of them. Theo was a Mind Wielder, but I didn't see him as dangerous, so why couldn't I view Evelyn the same? Because she's a Kinesic and Theos only a Mozack. Still, she helped me, and I was damn near blind if I couldn't see she was anything but evil. She wasn't Verena, not even close. I still needed to keep her safe, and that meant I couldn't fear her abilities.
"Thank you." My eyes met her in what felt like an eternal gaze. Never in my right mind would I thank a Mind Wielder for using their power. But Evelyn used her power to my help, she...was different.
"I-" She spoke, though I could tell by the look she held she was brought back by my reply. She didn't expect my gratitude. "You're welcome." Her voice was quiet. I knew just as many questions were flooding her head as mine, but we both decided it wasn't the best to discuss our probes. Not now at least.
I tossed the bandage on the floor, feeling it carried no use, then dropped my spine back on the bed. I took a breath and ran my fingers up my hair, grasping onto my head, feeling the beat of my pulse under the tips of my fingers. God did my head hurt. And even though the wound looked healed, it pulsed with pain nevertheless.
"You're still hurting." She said in a whispered tone.
"Im fine."
"You need to rest."
"Are you mimicking me on purpose?" I raised my brow at her, lifting my head from the grip of my hands.
"No." She smirked, "if I were mimicking you, I would sound much angerier."
That damn smirk of hers could cut through steel armor. The fact that she didn't even release how captivating she was made her all the more intriguing, so different from all the girls I've been with. I didn't say that to sound crude, I hadn't even been with many girls. Much unlike Declan or Samuel, who have made their mark on every female their age in the ten mile radius, that wasn't how I was.
It's cruel to sleep with a girl at dusk then leave and forget her as soon as the sun rises. It's cruel to lead her to believe you truly feel for her after one night. It's cruel to only want someone rather than truly long for them. That was why I kept my distance from most women, no matter how compelling or covetable they were, because I feared I'd end up doing something cruel. I had before, and I hated myself for it.
Evelyn though...words couldn't even describe the way I felt about her. She was the flare of an incandescent pyre, the warm wind when the bitter heat front rose, the glint of smoke that twisted around a candle in lenitive circles. She was all I wanted, and all I despised.
"I should...I should go." she said, noticing my lucid reverie, "You need to rest. You're tired...you're aching, I don't like seeing you like this. Sleep it off just one more night, and you can get up tomorrow." She held no power to tell me what to do, yet I felt I should do nothing but listen.
She walked towards the door. She held on the frame for a moment, an itch under her tongue.
"I counted The Rogues before you all left."
And? My face gestured.
"There were thirty five. When I counted again when you came back, there were only thirty."
I feared she'd asked something like this, I hoped she wouldn't notice. "Well me and Cel-"
"What about the other three?"
"I uh..." there was no way around the truth. I sighed in defeat, I hated even talking about this. Death was not taken lightly by Rogues.
Hadley, Van and Irya. Those were the three. And who knew what happened the days I'd been out? They could have been buried already, buried without their commanders' condolences. My heart felt heavy as I spoke, "They...they didn't make it."
Evelyn's breath seized for a moment, her eyes glimmered with sorrow. I could read how she was feeling. I could tell she felt their deaths were her fault. I had to say something, I couldn't let her feel this way. It wasn't her fault, it was mine.
I cleared my throat, "Losing my soldiers is a burden of my own. Don't feel like this is you-"
"I'm not arguing about this Dominic."
I wished she would just listen to me.
"It doesn't matter how I feel or how I don't. They're gone and it's because of...well I wished I could have at least saved them. Like I saved you. I shouldn't have listened to you. I should have been there."
"No you shouldn't have." She had no idea how happy I felt when she realized she didn't follow me. It was like a pound of armor lifting off my chest.
"How'd I know you were going to say that." She rolled her eyes and tossed her hands up, her jaw clenched irritably.
"Because it was wise of you to stay behind! If you had gone you would have been feeding the monster. Giving them what they want!"
"If giving them what they want will save you guys-"
"It would do anything but save us! Don't be selfish Evelyn!"
Shit. Why did you say that, why the hell did you say that? "I...I didn't mean it like that."
"You're right, maybe I am selfish. Maybe I just can't stand seeing my friends get hurt...seeing you hurt. You know how awful I've felt these past three days, seeing you like this? I've checked on you day and night, stayed with you for hours at a time, hoping, praying you would open your eyes again. Because if you didn't make it I-" she released her fiery breath, "A few days ago you saw me as a person, now I'm only one of them to you." She turned her head, about to walk out the door when I stopped her.
"Wait!" I yelled to her. She took a breath, her eyes weary as if they were approaching tears. Did I do this? Did I make her feel this way? God how I hated myself, I could never escape this monster that held onto me. I feared I was becoming all I hated. Like I was becoming him.
"Evelyn..." There was so much I wanted to say to her, but I couldn't find the power in myself to speak. Just ask her to stay with you, you idiot. But would it be that easy? Would she even want to hear my plea? After how I'd treated her? Of course not. The moment she arrived I casted her aside like dirt, and the moment she realized what she was I declared her inhumane. It wasn't fair of me to regard her that way. She deserved better, so much better. She didn't deserve a foolish bastard who couldn't control their words like me. She would be stupid to lov...to feel for me. I wouldn't forgive her if she ever loved me. Not ever.
I said nothing.
Her eyes widened, those hazel depths carving into me, commending her furthermore enticing. To press her body against mine would be a dream. One that is so close yet so far. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't let myself. I wouldn't do to her what I did to other girls. I didn't want to leave her and forget. I didn't want to hurt her. She was more than just a want. But the mistakes I made with other women, hadn't even hit me as faults until I watched the tears run down their faces. I would stay up endless nights just pondering over and over what I did wrong. I didn't matter, I was always painted a villain in their pictures. I didn't want that, not for Evelyn to see me that way too, though I feared she already had.
She waited for me to continue, tempting me with the bat of her long lashes to say something. Ask her to stay. A part of my head screamed. Don't, another yelled back. But it was already too late, she had made up her mind.
"Rest well Dominic. I need you to feel better." Her soft voice wrapped around me like a ribbon.
And then just like that, she left.
Why hadn't I begged her to stay? She probably would have left anyways. I was such a damn fool to yell at her like that. Why don't you fucking think before you speak for once?
The room felt extra empty with her gone, and seemed darker too. Like her skin was a beam of light, a heat of fire that filled the walls with warmth. She was gone...but she'd be back. Even after we fought...I knew she'd be back.
And with that comforting thought, my eyes suddenly felt impossibly heavy. She was right, I was tired...and in pain. I laid my head back on my pillow, and swallowed a deep breath, the air still had carried her sent. Vanilla and rain. It was hard to describe...but it was just like that. I closed my eyes, letting my mind sink away, but that aroma of her led my thoughts.
And then, I fell asleep.
I fell asleep, thinking of her.