'Once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.'
____________________
“Put me down to the floor, I want to play spin the bottle.” I slapped Guy on his back and kicked with my legs, but nothing seemed to help. I was laying over his shoulder and I could feel the blood rush towards my head and all the liquids in my stomach up my throat. I tried to push myself up from his shoulder and when I managed to push myself up, I let the blood sink to the other parts of my body and tried to calm my stomach down.
“I’m not letting you play spin the bottle.” I sighed and looked at the people we passed, I was not drunk I only had three cups of whatever Felix gave me but I must admit I felt pretty funny. And so did my head.
“Why not? You’re ruining my whole night.” He laughed and I could feel his shoulder push into my stomach a little bit harder. I growled as my stomach winced at his shoulder pushing in it.
“Because I’m not letting anyone besides me kiss you.” As sweet as it may have been I was not pleased at all, he was claiming me and it was totally the opposite of what I was expecting.
“so you can sleep with whoever you want to sleep with, but I can’t even kiss another guy for a stupid game? Do you even realize how unfair it is.” He set me down on the floor and pushed me against a wall.
“Yes but I don’t mind.” He placed a few small kisses in my neck but I pushed him away.
“No cause you’re only thinking about yourself.” I said pissed, yes I was getting pissed at him over a stupid game of spin the bottle. It was like I got more mature with the minute.
“I’m not thinking about myself.” He was still playing but his eyes said he was getting a bit angrier than before.
“Yes you are, you are keeping all these guys away from me so you can take my V-card. Well I’m not letting you.” When he didn’t got mad but smirked I realized what I did. I let out a few cusses and his smirk only grew wider.
“So you are a little virgin, looks like I didn’t lose my power after all.” I pushed him away from me and to my surprise I actually got him to move, with the small space I created I took my chance to escape.
“Come here my little virgin.” He yelled as he ran after me and I began running harder, I pushed away a lot of people and got a lot of bad names in return. Some I had heard before and some new names.
I ran up the first stairs as I saw and heard Guy still running after me, I started screaming out of excitement. And totally blocked out all the bad names I got, totally focusing on where to go. That was until I ran into a wall, I fell back and Guy caught me in his arms. Those muscular arms that got me staring every time I could catch a glimpse of them.
“Why did you put the wall there?” I felt a little bit dizzy but commanded myself to stay awake, he laughed and I turned around in his arms. I looked at him, while I stood there wavering and leaning on him.
“I did not put that wall there.” He laughed harder and I turned around, I placed my hand on the wall and stroke it.
“You hurt my head, wall.” I said to the wall, it all made so much sense to me. Why I was doing this and that he had to be the one to put the wall there, but at the same time I had no idea what was going on. It was like my mind had split in two, the one part moving my arms and telling me it was a natural response but the other part was telling me that this was not supposed to be going on. I could feel how I lost my mind, bit by bit.
“Guy?” I turned around and he looked at me with puppy eyes, it was the first time I saw him looking at me like this. “My head hurts.” I placed my hand on my head and continued to stroke my own head instead of the wall.
“Do you want to lie down?” He said and placed his hands on my shoulder, I nodded and bended down. Before he could say anything I laid down on the floor.
“I didn’t mean here.” I closed my eyes and ignored him, but just when I was about to fall asleep I felt two hands shifting me up from the floor. My body was clenched to someone’s hard chest and I felt the person’s muscle’s tense with every step he took. A part of me realized it had to be Guy but another part couldn’t figure it out. My brain was still tuck in two worlds at the same time and I couldn’t figure out what was happening.
I felt a rush of cold air brush against my bare skin and I opened my eyes again, I found myself looking into Guy’s pair of dark blue eyes. They carried something new, worriedness to be exact.
“I’m going to take you home, don’t worry I won’t let you go.” He whispered and with that I closed my eyes again.
As bad as I was feeling I couldn’t fall asleep, maybe because my brain was still screaming to me or maybe because I just wasn’t tired enough. At one point I was convinced Guy could hear the screaming of my brain, but when I slowly opened my eyes and looked at him he kept his eyes on the road ahead. I studied him that way for a long time, as bad as some stories may be, the way he looked right now nobody would think it could be true. He was so focused but concerned. The way his jaw clenched when I moaned out of pain. The way he softly stroked my leg when he had the chance. And especially those moments when he would bite his lip, frown and wrap his hands so tight around the steering wheel his knuckles would turn white. For the first time he was an open book, you could see what was going on in his head with just one look. He was in pain, not because something happened, but because I was in pain and he was the reason why.
“Are you feeling better.” He laid his hand on my leg again and glanced over to me for a minute before he focused back on the road in front of him. I wanted to shake my head but the moment I moved it an inch I was sure I was going to die a soft but painful dead. It’s weird though, he was the first person I was afraid of. But that was a prejudice, I know I don’t really know him yet, but I have a feeling that if I get the chance to learn him better there is only one thing I have to be afraid of. Falling for him and then afterwards getting hurt by him and his stupid mind tricks.
I never thought about it before, I have lived my life almost 18 years now and after I had been locked up for 4 years, I never had the courage to open up to someone. I spend my whole life trying to keep myself from any negative feelings, but after one week of living with new people I could feel my walls break down slowly. Maybe it’s not a bad thing to happen, but it is a bad thing when it happens because of Guy. He’ll only tear me apart.
“We’re here.” I didn’t even realize I had slowly closed my eyes, lost in my thoughts, until Guy spoke.
“I don’t know, I think I’ll sleep in your car.” I felt a cold brush and he slapped the door shut, I didn’t even bother to look up I was way too comfortable. That was until my head slowly fell when Guy opened my and I didn’t have anything to lean on, I let out a load moan when my head moved but stopped myself by clenching on to Guy’s shirt.
“Well this is an awkward position.” I laughed softly as I looked to the bottom of his chin and saw his Adam’s apple move when he swallowed. My head was again his crotch as he was slightly bend over me.
“What were you doing?” He pushed himself up while I still held his shirt clenched in my fist.
“Sleeping in the car, like I said I was going to do.” I looked at him as he chuckled at my response.
“Well let me take you to a more comfortable bed in a warm house, Ok?” He lifted me up slowly, I could slowly feel my strength getting back but I didn’t mind being carried into the house. I laid my head on his chest as he carried me into the beautiful modern villa, bridal style.
“Did you bring my pajama?” I said as I realized both of his hands were only carrying me, nothing else.
“Nah, you can just sleep naked.” He chuckled.
“I’m not going to sleep in this, oh and I really want to take out these contacts.” Those things had been ruining my evening from the start, and I still don’t get how I didn’t take them out sooner.
“You can wear one of my shirts.” He mumbled while he tried to open his door with me still in his arms, I couldn’t hold my laugh. He looked annoyed but after five minutes of him trying to open the door, I unwrapped my arms from his neck and opened the door.
“You’re welcome.” I said, but he was too caught up with balancing me in his arms and shoving the door shut with his foot. He looked down at me before he walked up the stairs with big steps, skipping at least two steps with every step he took. He opened another door with his foot and walked over to the only bed in the room.
“We are here.” And he laid me down on the bed, I pushed myself up to a sitting position and looked at him as he walked out of the room. It was a huge room, with this king size bed in the middle but besides a closet, a bed and a desk there weren’t much other stuff. The room looked a little bit lonely and incomplete, it was actually a room that you would think belonged to someone that had passed away five years ago and was now just a memory. Maybe it was exactly what this person wanted, but I couldn’t help but think there was a sad story that belonged to this room.
“Here drink this water, it makes you feel better.” I had seen him this evening sip from a lot of different cups, but he was so calm, so himself, so sober.
“Is this what you drank all evening? Because you look so clear, I can see it.” I looked at him and pointed at the glass with water, he looked shocked for a moment but soon recovered from it and gave me an uncaring shrug.
“You don’t know what you drank?” I may be an inexperienced drinker but telling the difference between alcohol and non-alcohol can be done by a baby, which I haven’t tested or something, but I think that it’s not weird to think that. Well maybe it is weird to use a baby as an example, but whatever.
“It’s none of your business.” He walked out of the room again.
“Sorry.” I whispered, annoyed, to a door that was slammed shut the moment I opened my mouth.
I put the empty glass on the night stand next to me and got off of the bed, there wasn’t much in this room but I was not going to get out of this room and make Guy even more mad. I tried to get the contact out of my eyes and laid them down on the desk, I knew they’re supposed to stay in special water but I’m not going to use them ever again.
“Shirt, shirt, shirt.” I opened the closet and instead of seeing the expected guy shirts and jeans, one side of the closet was filled with dresses. I closed the door where the dresses were hanging behind and snatched a shirt that was laying on one off the shelves on the right. I stepped out of my shoes, tried to pull the tight down and after a long struggle I could take off my tutu. I unbuttoned my blouse and took the bowtie off, when I had put on the big black shirt I felt normal again. Not some fake Barbie. Guy still hadn’t come back, but the moment my bare legs brushed against the soft cotton of the blankets they decided it was time for me to lay down. I hid under the blankets and waited for sleep to come and get me, somewhere it felt like I had forgotten something but I was too tired to remember.