They're at a stalemate with this conversation.
He keeps his gaze trained on absolutely nothing ahead while Ni Ni's remains on his face.
"Xiao Zhan," she calls and he takes a deep breath.
It releases with a shudder.
"I've heard what you've said. Let's drop it."
And with this, she tosses her phone onto the table. The impact is loud and aggressive and Xiao Zhan has long learnt that this is Ni Ni's announcement that whatever restraint she has probably exercised in the current circumstance with the consideration that he is her boss, has worn thin.
He can't help but look at her now, and indeed her face has hardened in annoyance.
"I've suspected that you've had some personal issues with Wang Yibo for some time now, especially after the last time at the studio and then with that video of you at the airport. I thought then that it was perhaps because the director replaced him with you for this role but with these questions, it's obvious to me now that it is not."
She turns to meet his gaze. "You resent Wang Yibo? For not speaking up for you?
The urge to get up and walk away is so strong but he remains seated, knowing that he needs to sort through this and currently, he has no one else besides Ni Ni that is invested and aware enough about this issue to do it with. So he concedes and for once, let's her in.
"Shouldn't I?"
Her response is direct. "No, you shouldn't."
At this he frowns, truly concerned now that perhaps he is indeed being unreasonable but he cannot see how.
"You shouldn't because even you yourself didn't want him to speak up for you, so the fact that he didn't is definitely not why you resent him."
At this, Xiao Zhan's frown burrows deeper into his forehead. "What?" He tilts his head at her.
"If you truly love Wang Yibo like you've said, then why would you have wanted him to put himself in danger by speaking up for you?"
Xiao Zhan stills.
"All of this confusion I'm sure is because you've simply just tied this all up in knots in your head, and refused to work it out with anyone. We're going to do that now."
"What knots in my head?" Xiao Zhan scoffs and looks away again, feeling too exposed. "I didn't even realize that I resented him until last night."
"Alright, so you've suppressed this for a while because a part of you does actually believe that you're being unreasonable."
The reign on his temper loosens. "And how exactly am I being unreasonable?"
"Because you're expecting Wang Yibo to love you so much that he puts himself in danger for you. My question is why. You said something earlier. That him speaking up for you would 'have showed you that he cared! That he loved you enough to put himself at risk on your behalf'. But these are two separate things. I mean, he did show that he cared. He reached out to you personally didn't he? But right now you resent him because he didn't put himself in the line of fire for you. I'm trying to tell you that the only way he could have done that is if he was in love with you. Not if he was just your friend."
As the words come at him, Xiao Zhan feels as though he has been knocked upside the head. So much so that he accurately predicts Ni Ni's next statement.
"Do you see now that the problem is your expectation? And I know that you'd prefer I don't say it, but I'm worried that if I don't you'll fumble this up again in your head and continue fighting with yourself so I'm going to give you the peace of mind that you obviously need right now."
"Back then, you were probably somewhat in love with Wang Yibo or at the very least you had feelings for him. Otherwise, your expectations of him to stand in the line of fire with you wouldn't have even existed. Actually no, scratch that. Your expectations of wanting him to offer to stand in the line of fire with you wouldn't have existed because if you indeed had feelings for him, then you wouldn't have wanted it either. So what you resent him for Xiao Zhan, is that he didn't try. Because if he had you probably would have stopped him, but you were never even given that option because once again, he didn't try."
Xiao Zhan remains quiet because quite frankly, he doesn't know what to say. He has been thoroughly and completely exposed. To himself and Ni Ni.
He had feelings for Wang Yibo? Romantic feelings? Even then?
At this he turns to her, the surprise and despair written all over his face.
And at this her expression softens. "You didn't realize it did you?"
He grits his teeth until eventually the words force themselves out.
"That's not true,"
"Alright," she says looking unsurprised. "Let's go with that. My question for you right now is where things are with the both of you? Are you two still just friends or are things escalating?"
His gaze begins to harden at the question and to this she sighs "I know that I'm not supposed to interfere when it comes to Wang Yibo and since to an extent I understand why now, I'm not even going to encroach any further because as you've said, this is personal. Incredibly so. But I care about you, so I'm going to leave you with this one piece of advice."
"Don't pack this all up again and shove it into some drawer because it makes you uncomfortable because it will come back again to haunt you. Except you truly stop having feelings for Yibo and given the fact that all of this still bothers you so much, I don't think that I need to point it out that you probably won't. So, this means that you have to confirm the depth of these feelings and you have to confront the resentment that you have for Wang Yibo. And the sooner you do these the better otherwise it's just going to keep eating at you."
"Until one day you'll find that you've truly and completely come to hate Wang Yibo."
Fear slams into him at this last statement.
"Hate?"
"Yes, hate. That's how it's going to end. Look at Tao Jie's character for instance. She resented her husband for so long because of the neglect and abuse he brought to her but she never addressed it, and instead chose to remain with him for the sake of her child. But then her child died and guess what happened in that second? He also died to her because the only thing left that connected them was gone."
"What still connects you and Yibo right now I think is the friendship between you two, but I hope that by now you can see that on your part at least, it is out of obligation. Because one day Yibo is going to do something, most probably unintentionally that hurts and you're going to completely cut him out of your life. This is only a matter of time so if you do care about Yibo, I suggest that you resolve this with him. It'll make you happier and you know more than anyone else that I want you to be happy. Not to the detriment of your career though so I'm still going to keep my eye on how all of this plays out."
At this Xiao Zhan turns away. "I still don't want you involved."
"Because you know I'll keep knocking you over the head with the truth about it don't you?"
Xiao Zhan cannot even refute this.
They both go silent in deep contemplation until Ni Ni's phone begins to ring. She grabs it and rises to her feet, however Xiao Zhan suddenly grabs her wrist "Don't leave," he says. "I- I still have something to ask you about."
She watches him softly, nods with understanding and then rejects the call. Then she sits back down and faces him.
Xiao Zhan looks straight ahead, and thinks of what he wants to tell her that he needs help in deciphering.
"H-how do I get rid of this ... resentment?"
"Mi Mi answered this already," she replies "Communication. You need to speak to Yibo about it."
At this Xiao Zhan swallows a painful lump in his throat.
"You don't want to do you? My question is why? Is it because you truly don't want to forgive him for it or because you don't want him to know about how you feel about him?"
At this, he can't help but smile because he can hear just how unhappy she sounds. "So it's established now that I have feelings for Wang Yibo?"
"It is," she says dryly. "Unfortunately."
He is even more amused.
"Why is it unfortunate?"
"Because sooner or later, one of you is going to do something because of this that is going to end one of your careers. Or both of your careers. And that automatically puts me out of a job and I don't know if you've noticed but I really like this job. But no, please, by all means go ahead and put us all at risk."
His gaze on her softens.
"So why are you helping then?"
Her voice lowers which is a rarity. "Because I've seen what you've been through this year. The humiliation and the pain. If Wang Yibo is what you want then I will never stand in the way of that because you deserve your joy. Every single ounce of it. Now it's my job to ensure that you both don't put all of us out of a job."
He reaches for her hand under the table and squeezes it, and to this she gives him a stodgy look but he can tell that she is touched.
"Plus, it's not as though I can talk you out of it. It's been this long already and even you haven't been able to talk yourself out of it even though we both know just how dangerous it all is. Plus, I saw that video at the airport. The one where you lost it in Beijing, and if Wang Yibo had anything to do with that then you're a lost cause. Even you can't save yourself. I guess we all have to look to Wang Yibo now to save us both."
Xiao Zhan breaks out into laughter, and despite how heavy his heart still is he can't help but be somewhat relieved that at least one other person can see exactly what he feels like when it comes to Wang Yibo.
A lost cause.
Xiao Zhan turns away from her then and sighs.
"I really like him," he breathes.
Ni Ni takes a few seconds to reply. "It's deeper than that. You've forgotten what you said earlier?"
At this he turns to her, wondering what she is referring to. A little more search and he recalls it. Then he says it. The way he actually means it for the first time. It is under his breath but they can both hear it.
"I love Wang Yibo."
His eyes lock on Ni Ni's. "You didn't seem surprised when I said it the first time."
"Because I was praying that you meant it the way you intended me to take it. Platonically. I should have known my bad luck would strike again."
He smiles and once again gets lost in his thoughts. This... admission to both himself and Ni Ni has unraveled him. His blood is now simmering with anxiety and his feet no longer feels like they are on the ground.
Because as he now realizes, the foundation of one of the most important relationships in his life is now quite shaky. "There is a third consideration," he says. "For why I'm hesitating in speaking to Yibo about this."
"What is it?"
"I don't feel as though he owes me an apology. You said that the problem is my expectation... that I expected Yibo to speak up for me because I expected that he loved me enough to do so. But that is not all there is to it. I think that I resented him even more deeply because he was the one that built up that expectation."
"From the moment we clicked and became close friends, he hid nothing. He showed me and the world that I meant a lot to him, and this in a way was what even gave the chance for this entire controversy to flourish in the first place."
"I had other co-stars in 'The Untamed', but none of them stared at me the way Yibo did. Or spoke to me the way Yibo did. And all of this was captured on camera. And he was aware of this. He has been in the industry so much longer than I have so I expected that he would know to be careful. But he wasn't."
"So in the eyes of the world we were established as an item, and as we've pointed out, in my heart too, without me even realizing it. But I've never faulted him for it because Yibo is honest and transparent. I don't believe he acted that way to hurt me. He acted that way because he couldn't help it ... because he had found someone that he truly connected with and he couldn't hide it. The fact that he couldn't hide it or at least did a very bad job of it is honestly one of the things that I ..."
His heart makes a painful thump against his ribcage as he gives himself a second to catch his breath.
He goes on. "It's one of the things that I love the most about him. So although I knew it was inappropriate I've never faulted him for it, and to an extent I had prepared myself to reap both the benefits and the repercussions from it with him. Because I didn't want to fault him for being himself when he was with me. So when the controversy happened and he didn't even offer to face it with me when to an extent he was the one that created it I felt..."
Xiao Zhan doesn't know what word to use so Ni Ni steps in.
"Betrayed?"
"Not exactly. I felt ... foolish almost. For even expecting that from him. For ever thinking that anyone in this industry could be that genuinely selfless. But it's because I thought he was that I never held his careless displays of affection against him so I felt... ah, I found it." He starts to say it however Ni Ni voices it before he does.
"Disappointed."
His chest contracts with emotion. "Yeah. I felt truly disappointed. Like i couldn't trust him or depend on him. And a part of me I think will always feel that way about him. It's not something that I feel an apology will solve."
Tears fill his eyes then, and he doesn't even bother hiding them as he turns to Ni Ni. "I wouldn't have allowed him to put himself in danger. I swear it. I would have stopped him. But he never even tried."
"How can I give myself to someone that never even tried?"
Xiao Zhan stares into her eyes, almost, desperately, hoping that she will be able to give him some sort of answer to this but she doesn't. Instead she reaches out to gently pat his shoulder.
"Xiao Zhan," she calls. "I don't know. And I understand what you mean now by saying that he doesn't owe you an apology because he never really promised you anything. With his words. All he did was 'show it because he couldn't help it. But the one time you needed his actions to speak for him he held back. He could help it. So, was all his honestly previously just for show? Or was it just him being careless? Or perhaps... was it planned?"
Something akin to terror grips him right then so he instantly stops her. "I don't want to go there."
She sighs. "But you are aware of the rumors aren't you?"
He doesn't respond because he knows that if he ever allows his heart to even consider for a second, that Yibo and his management company did all of these to gain the advantage over him, he and Yibo would forever be done.
That was something that no apology in the world could ever fix.
He shuts his eyes.
"You have to go there," Ni Ni says. "With Yibo. If you truly want to salvage this. If you truly want to be unrestrained and honest with him. You have to go there. With him."
Xiao Zhan's heart is pounding viciously in his chest, and since his eyes are tightly shut, Yibo's face easily comes to mind. His honest smile... his piercing gaze... and his words. The love in his words.
Ni Ni is right. He has to go there with Yibo otherwise he will never be able to trust any of these again.
Ni Ni's phone begins to ring again so his eyes come open.
"Xiao Zhan, I have to take this," she says and he nods. She exists the booth and once again he is left to himself. To think and to ponder, and he does so for so long that a significant amount of time passes and it is only when Ni Ni returns that he once again looks up.
The moment he does, he meets her gaze and the greatest fear in his heart immediately falls from his lips
"What if I lose him?" he asks. "What if I tell him and because of it I lose him?"
Ni Ni doesn't quite follow.
"What do you mean? How would you lose him?"
"What if he already knows all of this, but just like me he has allowed himself not to acknowledge it? So that it doesn't wound what we have."
"Xiao Zhan," she says softly. "What you both have is already wounded. And if you let it fester without addressing it, it's eventually going to become so infected that it's going tear you both apart. Permanently."
He looks away from her and recalls the particular memory that has always floated on the edge of his awareness. For the first time ever, he allows it to come to light. "He's tried before, to address this. I think. A few weeks ago I invited him over to my house in Guangzhou, and he kept apologizing."
"What exactly did he apologize for?" Ni Ni asks, and Xiao Zhan thinks back to Yibo's exact words.
"Ge, do you resent me?"
"What do you mean? Why would I?"
"This entire boycott incident. I was involved in it too. However all of the backlash came to you. And all the suffering."
"I don't," he'd replied. "You had nothing to do with it."
He'd lied. To save them both from addressing this wound... he'd lied.
But still, perhaps Yibo had known this because he had still gone on to apologize.
"Zhan ge, I'm sorry."
And Xiao Zhan had refused it.
"Stop fucking apologizing to me!"
"Why do you keep apologizing? What have you done wrong?"
Xiao Zhan shuts his eyes again, as Yibo's response echoes throughout his entire soul.
"Everything."
He knows.
Yibo already knows, but instead of address the wound back then Xiao Zhan had slapped a band aid over it, and kissed him.
"There. I've done something that requires an apology too. Now we're even."
His heart collapses even further. They weren't even. Far from it. And that kiss, no matter how potent and true, was still not able to wipe the slate clean."
Yibo had been right.
"Zhan ge would you? Tell me I mean, if I did something unfair or unpleasant to you?"
"I would."
"Liar. Tell me something unpleasant and unfair that I have done to you. Right now."
"There isn't any. If there was I would tell you."
"Liar."
In response to this, he recalls that his temper had flared. But he had been unable to refute it because it was the truth even if he hadn't waned to accept it then.
"Fuck you," he had said to Yibo.
At the time, his heart had begun to race and his temperature had begun to rise.
The wound had started to fester and he was ready once again to run away.
But then Yibo had come to him, realizing even more than he did what was happening. That Xiao Zhan had only given himself two options; Ignore the wound or run away.
And now once again, he is faced with this dilemma.
As he thinks back to that night in Beijing, he realizes now that from that point onwards, his relationship with Yibo had simply taken a detour. Because no matter the seeming life time that had passed between them since then, they had now once more returned back to that conversation.
And until he addresses it, it doesn't matter how many more detours he decides to take once again because they will always keep returning to this very point.
Once again, Yibo had been right.
"Are you the one indulging me? Or have I been the one indulging you?"
At this, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and types out a message to Yibo before he can talk himself out of it.
"Should we take another detour? How about you indulge me once again? Let's get married or something before we address this wound so that this time neither of us will have anywhere to run."
Once again, Yibo's words come to him.
"I don't want to go back. From now on it's either I go forward with you or we end it."
For the very first time, Xiao Zhan whole heartedly agrees. So he erases the nonsensical message he typed out earlier, and ensures that there is nowhere for him to run. That they both can never go back.
He types out his response to Wang Yibo.
"Xiao Gou, I am in love with you. So whatever happens from now on between us, don't forget this. Please. This is my response."