Almost two months had passed since Jisung went on a date with Lee Know and therefore it had also been almost two months since the two saw each other.
In the beginning, it was unbearable. Jisung just wanted to be with the dark-haired boy, to kiss him, to fall asleep next to him again, laugh with him, be held by him. Heck, he'd even be happy to just look at him. But their texts were all Jisung could hold on to. And they gradually got less, in fact, their last shared conversation was one-sidedly ended by Lee Know not replying to a question Jisung sent almost 7 days before.
Jisung had simply asked Lee Know about his day, he read their conversation over and over again, there were no hints that he had somehow pissed Lee Know off, or that he had said anything wrong. It left him clueless. Lee Know had a thing for just disappearing but usually, their paths were bound to meet again. With the certainty of a sailor that knew about the tide that'd bring the water back, Jisung trusted Lee Know to come back, reach out to him again, but as the days went on, and especially right after their date, being left in the blue made Jisung sick.
If you were to ask him (and Chan, Changbin, and some of the others did) of course, he would say he's alright and everything between him and Lee Know was alright as well, they were just stressed and couldn't find the time to meet up again. But deep down, he was disappointed, kind of heartbroken even.
The only trace that Lee Know left was his smell in Jisungs bed. But even that slipped from Jisung over time. He tried holding on to it for as long as he could, savor it for as long as he could, but holding on to it, was like holding on to nice memories. The harder you tried to remember every single detail from them, the quicker they dissolved into a foggy mush.
Sometimes, when Jisung lay in bed, wrapped up in his blankets he imagined ( it must have been from imagination, there was no way it would last that long) the faint remains of Lee Knows perfume and suddenly he was right back in the night of their date. Securely sleeping, head on Lee Knows chest, listening to the steady thumping of the other's heart, strong arms rubbing slow circles on his back.
When he woke up from these dreams that felt so real, he felt even more hollow than before. He hated the impact Lee Know had on him, hated how that boy was able to make him feel so good the one night and so miserable the other.
Today's night was different though. The weather had shifted the last couple of days and Jisung began sleeping with his french door open, allowing fresh breezes through his room. But before the sleep's darkness could come over him and rock him into his bittersweet dreams, Jisung was awoken by a loud noise.
Hesitantly, Jisung brushed his blankets away and got up. Someone was standing on his balcony, a dark shape against the bright light cast by the moon.
He padded out into the fresh air but what he was greeted with knocked the air right out of his lungs.
"Lee- Lee Know?", he managed to speak. The boy stood there, holding on to the railing as if it was his only source of support. His hair covered his face as he was looking down, his whole posture screamed that something was wrong. This was not the Lee Know that Jisung knew. It was heartbreaking to see him looking that weak. Neither of them moved. Jisung tried again, called his name again, still no answer. A shiver went down his spine. Something was wrong.
Ever so slowly, as if any sudden move could scare him away, Jisung began approaching the brown-haired male. Trembling fingers, cold from the wind, reaching out to one of Lee Knows arms, resting right above his wrist, wrapping around it. Jisung wished to move some of his strength over to him, thinking Lee Know was in more need of it than he himself.
"It's okay.", he tried reassuring him. "Lee Know, whatever it is-", finally, he looked up, looked Jisung in the eye and it took all the willpower Jisung had, for him not to flinch at the look of Lee Know. His left eye was heavily bruised, he had a cut right on his cheekbone below said eye and dried blood left a trace down his nose, over his lips and on to his neck. He looked miserable.
"I'm so sorry. This is not- this was never- I should have- I'm sorry Jisung.", Lee Know mumbled, stumbling over his words while placing his hand on top of Jisung's and freed his arm from his grasp, creating distance between them.
Lee Know was clearly troubled and hurt and Jisung wished for nothing more than to just wrap him up in his arms and rock him until he felt better, but he knew that it would overwhelm him, he had to move carefully. Jisung wanted to place Lee Know back together, not break him further, squeezing him while all his broken edges were sticking out would only result in hurting them both.
"Lee Know-Hyung, please talk to me. I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on.", Jisung made sure to not move further onto him but at the same time, he wanted to show that Lee Know could rely on him. Gone were the initial disappointment and harsh feelings about Lee Know's silence.
"Stop, please. That's not even my real name- I can't do this I-", he ruffed his hair, back bumping into the wall behind him. Lee Know was cornered and just like a wild animal would turn to violence when penned in, Jisung feared that he was about to lose this fight with Lee Know.
"Pretend I'm not me. Hey, look at me.", carefully Jisung closed the distance, ripped Lee Know's arms away from his hair and held them between them, like the last barrier. "Let's play pretend."
Lee Know furrowed his brows, eyes still wide with disturbance, breath hitching in his throat. "It's very simple, something my mother used to do with me when I was throwing a tantrum and couldn't get my words out. She'd pretend to be someone else. I wasn't talking to my mother. I was talking to whoever I wanted to, whoever I imagined her to be and she wouldn't get mad or angry at me. She would simply listen and afterward ask me if it would be okay to tell that matter to my mom.", Jisung searched Lee Knows eyes with his. "Just pretend I'm somebody else, your sister, brother, teacher, pet, the guy from across the street you see every time you go to work, an old schoolfriend whatever you want to, tell me what's going on and then, if you don't want me to know about it, we'll just not tell Jisung.", Lee Know released a breath, it almost sounded like a sob. He shook his head. "I can't.", he was still struggling but at least, he didn't try to get out of Jisungs grip.
"Jisung, you can't know about this, I shouldn't even be here-", he avoided Jisungs gaze. "Then don't, I'm just a stranger, ok? For this moment, for this night, I'll just be somebody else.", finally he looked at Jisung again. Slowly Jisung moved forward, inch after inch, grip tightening around his wrists. He wasn't going to let Lee Know slip away.
"Just let me help you", Jisung whispered as their foreheads touched. Jisung was finally wrapped up in Lee Knows scent, in his touch again. Not at all like he had imagined the circumstances, but it didn't matter.
He swallowed. "Please", it was barely a whisper, a plea, a reassuring against Lee Knows lips, just inches away. He felt Lee Know soften in his grip. Slowly he pushed a kiss on his lips. Moved back, gave Lee Know time to settle. Kissed him again, ever so soft. And again, and again. It was a promise, an offer to help, a solution. Everything Lee Know couldn't say. It was the answers to Lee Knows unspoken words.
Carefully, like carrying a tray of expensive cups, they moved back into Jisungs room, never breaking contact. Their kisses were cold and tasted like blood but they were full of emotions.
Jisung slowly lowered them down onto his bed, pushed Lee Know into the mattress, and finally, like a drowning person that suddenly broke through the water's surface and gasped for air again, Lee Know gasped for Jisung. Kissed him back with an eagerness, a certainty like he never doubted anything before them.
"I don't want to pretend that you're somebody else," he mumbled between heated kisses. "I want you and me to be exactly who we are, but pretend we're in a different universe. In a different time, just somewhere far away from here.", Jisung pulled back, got rid of his shirt that Lee Know had been fumbling with the last minute.
"We can do that.", Jisung assured him, kissed him. "Let's do that.", kissed him again, promised him. Lee Know searched Jisungs eyes, the moonlight casting deep blue shadows on both of their features. Jisung nodded, just barely. "Let's do that.", Lee Know whispered back, nodded back, got rid of his own shirt.
Jisung pushed them back down into the mattress, kissed along Lee Knows jaw, down his neck, nibbled at his ear, traced Lee Knows scars, all of them. Placed a kiss on them, Jisung was still afraid that if he moved too fast, push too harsh, he'd send him Lee Know over the edge. But at the same time he worried that if he gave Lee Know too less, he'd lose him.
His hands trialed over Lee Knows chest, down over his stomach to his abdomen and kissed his way after them. But stopped right at the hem of Lee Knows boxers.
"I've never actually done that.", he murmured as he looked up to Lee Know's hazel eyes. Lee Know cupped his cheek. "You don't have to do anything, you know that right?", Jisung placed his hand over Lee Know's, leaned into the touch. "No, I know. But I want to", he kissed Lee Knows palm and put their hands down. He gripped Lee Know's underwear before looking up one more time. "Just tell me if I suck.", that made Lee Know chuckle and suddenly the heavy feeling on their shoulders started to slip away, started to get lighter.
"I'm sure you won't", he leaned down to kiss Jisung a last time before the light-haired male relieved Lee Know from his last piece of clothing and started kissing and licking along the insides of his thighs, softly placing a kiss right on his length which had Lee Know sharply inhaling. Jisung smiled to himself as he continued.
"Jisung - fuck - wait -", Lee Know had gripped Jisungs hair and carefully yet destined pushed him up to stop the boy in his tracks. Askingly Jisung looked at him, running his thumb over his lower lip. "Was it...that bad?", suddenly Jisung didn't feel so secure anymore.
"What? No, Jisung it was perfect. Too good even.", Jisung still didn't get it so Lee Know propped himself up on his elbows, kissed him hard. Pushed them over so that he was on top now. Jisung was surprised but quick to react and fought back as their tongues intertwined. Lee Know grabbed Jisungs wrists with one hand and pinned them down over his head while he let his other hand trial down Jisungs body.
"How come I'm naked and you still got your boxers on?", Lee Know asked between kisses. Jisung was just about to say something as Lee Know casually slipped his hand in his boxers so his only answer was a rough moan. Lee Know began jerking him off while sucking on Jisungs neck.
And damn, Jisung already thought kissing Lee Know was one of the best feelings but this right now was a different level of pleasure. His body was on fire, every place, every inch that Lee Know touched felt like it was going to explode, he felt like he was made out of thousands of bubbles and every touch burst a few of them.
Lee Knows caresses were deep and demanding, but Jisung was ready to give and receive. Until suddenly Lee Know stopped, leaving Jisung right before falling over the edge. They both took a moment to take the look of the other one in. All tousled hair, disheveled, panting and aroused.
Lee Know leaned down, Jisung met him halfway, wrapping his feet around his waist, pushing their hips together. "I want you.", Lee Know demanded.
"Have me then.", Jisung offered.
A moment of silence.
"One more thing.", Lee Know said. "I have to leave you after this, just for a while I promise.", he looked Jisung in the eyes, the night washing over them.
"Okay.", okay.
And just like before Lee Know loved him deep and demanding and it had its rough edges but it was perfect and so much more than Jisung could have ever imagined.
---
Uh oh. Look who's back!
I hate this chapter idk man.
But we have three chapters left and shit's about to go down in these two so have this as kind of the calm before the storm.
Also thank you to the special people that voted and commented because you encouraged me to finish this book!
Then - as always - stay safe, have nice holidays and I'm out.