"Now my body and mind are so distant, don't know how to escape from this prison." —Bea Miller.
Chapter Theme Song: 'I Can't Breathe' by Bea Miller.
••
Harmony
"I fucking hate that envious son of a bitch!" Blaze curses as he walks into my dorm room, kicking away the floor mat in anger.
His detest for Kite runs deep, and his aggressive venting toward him is only worsening my guilt.
I rub my arm with a hand as he whirls around to me with fire in his eyes.
"I hate it when he looks at you. It's damn irritating, Harmony. He wants you; I can fucking see that, and it pisses me off so much. One of these days, I'm gonna drill a hole through that cocky bastard."
At each idiom, I can almost feel an invisible knife piercing through my heart. I want to tell him what happened because it is the right thing to do, and he doesn't deserve to be lied to like this.
But I don't know where to begin. No matter how many times I try to rephrase the situation, it still sounds bad. Imagine saying: 'Blaze, I drank alcohol last night, then woke up this morning half-naked in a room with Kite, and he said we had sex and there's blood on the sheets, but I can't remember anything.' That explanation will only push me right off the cascade. So, for now, I can't say anything until I uncover the truth.
He sits on my bed, and I take a deep breath before walking over to him.
"You're the only one I have feelings for, Blaze." I cajole, praying my voice doesn't decide to break. "I hope you know that whatever happens and no matter what anyone says, you mean everything to me, and it is never in my intention to hurt you. I care for you."
He raises his eyes to me while a slanted smile drags his lips. "Why do you sound as if I am about to die tomorrow, or I got enlisted in the army?"
I bite my bottom lip, and he grips my hand and tugs me down to sit beside him. He turns his torso to me while his icy pools search mine. I am not sure what he is looking for in them, but I fear that he'll see what I am hiding from him.
"I want to know something though, Harmony."
I nod my head slowly. "Okay...what is it?"
He taps his index finger on his knee, and the action grabs my attention. I look back up, and he cocks his head to the side. "Why'd you lie to me?"
All the moisture has left my throat, and my heart hammers as I try to maintain a natural reaction to the question.
"Wh-what?" My voice doesn't cooperate.
"You said you were at your mom's last night, but Maddie said she came to your dorm. I am mad that she was here, but I am more confused because what you told me does not seem to match up at all...why'd you lie?"
I swallow. "I-I didn't. Maddie came to see me, and she began talking, but I had to leave because my mom came by. I was glad to get away from her."
Every lie that leaves my lips is another part of me that gets stripped away. Maybe soon, there will be nothing left of me.
He stares at me for a while, not saying anything, just gazing into my orbs as if he's trying to discover some hidden truth. The hidden truth.
My body relaxes when he finally nods. "Okay." He smiles. "I believe you."
I force a smile. He takes me into his arms and lays on his back, and I adjust myself so that my head rests against his chest.
I close my eyes. His heartbeat is a perfect melody to my ears. I hope what Kite said about last night wasn't the truth because if it is, then I will never be able to hear this music again, and I can't live with that.
He brings his hand up and trails his fingers through my curls. "Do you want us to study the music sheet?"
His chest vibrates at his vocal, and I nod my head against him. "Yeah...okay."
I sit up, fixing my hair from my face while he jumps upright with a tired groan. "Where did you put it?"
"In my drawer, the top one."
He reaches over to the nightstand and tugs out the drawer grabbing the four-page document. His eyes scan over it as he chews on his lip in concentration.
"She gave you a list of songs that you could sing."
"Yeah, I noticed."
"Mm. There is even "My All" by Mariah Carey here and 'Elastic Heart' by Sia..."
"I wouldn't choose the Mariah Carey. I can't sing that well."
Blaze frowns. "Are you kidding me? You're amazing, Harmony."
I smile a little, and he waves his hand. "But sing whichever one you want. It's what you're comfortable with."
"I'll try to sing 'My All,' but it will suck."
"It won't. Nothing you do ever sucks."
Yeah, but getting drunk and being unable to recall what happened last night sucks. And you will hate me for it.
"Stop doing that." He states, and I give him a genuinely blank expression. "Stop doing what?"
"That expression you keep doing since earlier."
"What expression?"
"Like your mind isn't here with me, what's wrong?" His eyes flash with concern, and I shake my head quickly.
"Nothing...I am just tired. And I miss my dad."
He sighs. I know he isn't an empathetic soul, and so I appreciate him showing sympathy for me. He's trying. He puts the music sheets aside and gestures with his hand. "Come here."
I shuffle over to him, and he turns me around and sets me between his legs.
He uses his arms to bring me in closer to him so his chest presses against my back. I close my eyes as he places his lips to my ear.
"I'll let you forget about it, alright?"
I nod my head, even though I have no idea what he means by that.
I get my answer when I feel his cold lips against my neck. I intake a sharp breath as a shiver travels down my spine. He leaves light kisses all over the area, occasionally sucking and biting into my skin. I try to forget the dark secret I am hiding as I bask in how good it feels. He uses a hand to cup one of the circles on my chest over my sweater, gently squeezing it in his palm.
"Feeling better yet?" He whispers, and I nod my head.
"Mm."
While his lips continue their blissful pursuit, his hand travels down to my thigh. He caresses me there before slowly trailing his way back up, my skirt lifting during his passing until his hand is under the floral fabric.
I squeeze my eyes tightly. I can never get used to being touched by him. It's a heavenly feeling but also sends my nerves all over the place.
Skillfully, he slips his hand under the soft fabric of my tights, and he's tracing his fingertips along the waistband of my underwear. But as soon as he slides inside my panties to touch me at that sensitive place, my hand reaches up quickly to grab his.
"Blaze."
Maybe I am exaggerating or just paranoid, and perhaps it is silly and irrational, but I feel like if Kite and I did something last night, Blaze touching like this could make him notice a difference, and I am scared because I am not prepared to lose him. He can't touch me yet, not until I get to a gynecologist.
I turn to him with a timid look on my face and his brows furrow. "What?"
I swallow as I tug my skirt back down, averting my eyes from his.
"You didn't like it?"
I shake my head. "That's not it...I-I have class soon...math class."
He stares at me silently, penetratingly, as if he's trying to read me like an open book. I am holding my breath as I glare back at him in agitation.
Please let it go, please.
He nods finally, but he's still giving me that deep and analytical glare; it's scaring me.
"Oh...okay. I forgot. Then I guess we could walk to your class together, yeah?"
I smile. "Yeah, okay. I'd want that..."
The constant lies and deceptions are becoming insufferable. This is so hard for me, and I am beyond terrified because I feel like I am close to losing the boy I deeply love. Maybe forever.