I've worked at the BAU for a little over a year now. It has been the best year of my life. My whole team is super nice and I've gotten close with all of them. Most of all Spencer and Emily. Spencer is my best friend, Emily is too but in the back of my mind I think I wish she was more. I can't think like that though, it's wrong. No matter how much the thoughts of Emily want to make their way to the front of my brain I won't let them. When I first walked into the BAU I made eye contact with Emily almost immediately. My first thought was that she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, but I forced that thought to the back of my head just like I did with the thousands of other thoughts I've had about her. Emily has given subtle hints to tell me she's interested but I never let myself return the gestures. And I'm a profiler so I can tell she likes me by how she always makes eye contact with me, always turns her body towards mine when I talk, sits next to me all the time, and how she blushes anytime I compliment her, which isn't often and it's always when someone else said something first.
We just got back from a long case. The unsub was kidnapping and killing little kids that reminded him of himself when he was little. He thought that he was sending them to a better place, but obviously he wasn't. I honestly just wanted to forget all about this case even if it was only for a night. We had all just finished our paperwork for the night and everyone was getting up to leave.
"Anyone up to go to the bar?" I ask and everyone turns around to face me.
Hotch and JJ tell us they have to get home to their kids. Which is understandable considering we've been gone for the past two weeks. Derek and Peneople say yes as always, and to my suprise even Spencer says yes. Normally he likes to just go home and read books, or we have our monthly movie night. I turn towards Emily and she winks before speaking.
"Always"
I try my best not to blush but I can feel the heat form on my face. Instead of repling to her I just turn around and talk to Spencer. Spencer knows everything about me. He knows I was raised catholic and had to go to catholic school my whole life, causing me to be brainwashed into thinking liking girls is a sin and I will end up in hell. I don't even really believe in god anymore yet it still affects me. I really wish I could snap out of this and just be with the girl I deep down know I like. I never came out and said I liked girls or specfically Emily but Spencer is one of the best profilers on the team, so I'm sure he figured it out quickly.
"Spence can you tell me some facts from that big brain of yours" I ask him, at first he gets a look of concern over his face. He knows that his facts calm me down. I can see Spencer start to think of what could've made me anxious, but I didn't have time to wait. To keep myself from spiralling into the thougths that always came back anytime Emily did something I grab Spencers arm and look at him with puppy dog eyes.
"Please Spence"
Spencer looks at me for a moment before nodding his head and speaking.
"Did you guys know that the Greeks translated 'puppets' as 'neuropasta', which literally means string-pulling. And throughtout time they've been used as a method to tell kings a story so the subjects didn't have to speak directly to him."
I let go of his arm but continue to look at him. Silently telling him to keep going, and as we all walk into the elevator he does just that.
"Did you know that we don't start to make our own music choices until we are 14. Our cognitive development evolves at that age and we start to form our own cultural identity."
The elevator doors open and we all walk out.
"I guess we will meet you guys there" Derek says
"Yep" is all I say in return
Emily, Derek, and Peneople all get into their cars while Spencer and I walk towards his. Once we get into his car I put on my seatbelt but turn to look at Spencer when I feel his eyes on me.
"Do not profile me" I said sternly. He knows it's a silent agreement that we do not profiler each other no matter what.
"I'm not. Just what was that about" He asks
"What thats was what about is I love your random facts Spence you know this"
"Yes but you only ask me to tell you facts when you need something to calm you down so spill it or I will not drive us to the bar"
"Ugh Spencer really"
"Yes really"
I roll my eyes at him and I see him going through everything that happened before I asked him to tell me random facts. In this moment I hated that Spencer has an eidetic memory. As I'm watching him go back and forth through everything I see a light bulb go off in his head.
"Is this about Emily" Spencer asks carefully
I don't say anything, I just nod.
"You know you can talk to me about this at anytime right. I'm here for you and I want to help you if you'll let me. I know you were told over and over again thats it's wrong but it isn't. And Emily clearly likes you. I think that if you told her you like her back and told her about everything else she could help you."
Tears start to form in my eyes.
"Spence this isn't something you can help with."
Spencer takes a deep breath and lets out a sigh. He's clearly unsure of what he's about to say. He looks away for a second and looks back. Spencer licks his lips before speaking.
"Actually I think it is."
I look at him confused
"I've never told anyone on the team this but I'm bisexual. I like guys and girls, although I do lean more towards girls"
My eyes widen, I never expected Spencer Reid to be bisexual, or even really into relationships or sex at all.
"Oh wow I d-didn't know that you were"
"Most people as I said before don't know that about me. Most people think I don't like relationships at all but thats not the truth. It's just not something I like to share with everyone."
"Thank you for sharing that Spence"
"Like I said before I'm here for you and I really do think I can help you. Even though I wan't raised the same way you were and I haven't been told it's a bad thing my whole life I still struggled with it when I was first figuring it out."
"I'll make sure to keep that in mind thank you again Spence"
"What are best friends for"
I unbuckle my seatbelt and give him a hug. Although Spencer has problems with germs he never seems to be worried about them with me.
"I love you Spence"
"I love you more"
He squeezes me before letting go. We both put our seatbelts on this time and Spencer turns on the radio. Unlucky for me Girl in Red comes on and it's no other than her most popular song, Girls. Spencer knows this song and he instantly tenses up and looks at me.
"oh i-i can change it if you want i know this isnt the best for right now"
"No it's okay"
Spencer pulls out of the parking lot and starts driving to the bar.
My mind starts to wander again as I listen to the music.
They're so pretty it hurts
I'm not talking about boys
I'm talking about girls
They're so pretty with their button up shirts
My mind instantly goes to Emily and how pretty she looked in her button up shirt today. I go back into a spiral of thinking what if I do like her, even though i already know the answer to that. The weight that always seems to be above my head seems much heavier now. I keep thinking about how Emily and how pretty she is then I think about Emily and how disgusting it is that I'm having these thoughts. I start to feel nauseous and I feel Sencer look towards me.
"Are you okay Y/n? You look really pale."
"Pull over" is all I say
Spencer pulls over right away and instantly I get out and fall to my knees. I start throwing up and I feel Spencer pull my hair back with the hair tie he always has around his wrist. Then he rubs my back telling me that I'm okay. I stop throwing up and I start crying. The tears can't seem to stop falling from my eyes.
Spencer kneels onto the ground and holds me. He moves one hand onto my head and the other wrapped around my side. He holds me tightly as I sob. This goes on for a few minutes before I regain control over my breathing and look at him. Spencers face is wet from the few tears that escaped his eyes.
I speak in a quiet whisper. If it wasn't so strangely quiet around us he wouldn't have been able to hear me "Spence" I say as I move my hand to his face, wiping away his tears.
"I would've ch-changed the song Y/n" He says and his voice breaks at the end
"I know Spence this isn't your fault."
"I hate that you feel this horrible about it"
"I know and again this isn't your fault and its not your burden so don't let it become one"
"Y/n please let me help you or t-talk to Emily I'm sure she can help"
"Spence can we please just forget about this"
We go back and forth for a few more minutes but finally he nods his head and we get back into his car.
After ten more minutes we arrive at the bar. Spencer turns to me and gives me a concerned look.
"Calm down Spence I'll be fine. Tonight I'm going to drink away my problems, tomorrow I'm gonna be very hungover, and the next day I'll probably still be a little hungover and I'll think about possibly trying to solve my problems"
Spencer looks at me even more concerned but just nods his head and tells me he's not going to let me drink too much. I check my phone to see I have a bunch of missed messages and calls from everyone already at the bar.
(D is Derek P is Peneople E is Emily and Y is Y/n)
D: where are you guys its been like ten minutes
P: Hey Y/n are you gonna be here soon theres a bunch of cute guys but they look like they might be leaving soon
E: Hey are you guys okay it's been awhile.
D: Okay its been half an hour I'm really starting to get worried
P: Love please text me back when you get this I'm worried
E: Did I do something? Are you okay? Please text me back.
E: Are you guys together?
D: Alright it's been an hour I'm going to assume you and pretty boy are having some fun and go enjoy my night
P: I can't believe you didn't tell me about you and Spencer!! This is huge!
I decide to text everyone back all in one text.
Y: Sorry I turned my phone off and I didn't see these until right now, but no me and the genius are not together. We got a flat tire and it took awhile for us to figure out how to get the spare on
I know I probably shouldn't have lied to them but what was I supposed to say.
I look up from my phone and look at Spencer.
"Hey Spence do you think you could tell me one more fact before we go in"
Spencer nods his head and speaks.
"Medieval medical practitioners believed that chickens could absorb illness. They would rub the birds all over the bodies of the diseased in an attempt to rid them of their sickness."
I giggle at the strangle fact but thank Spencer for sharing it. I hug him one more time before we go in.
"I'm so glad I have you Spence. You're the bestest best friend a girl could ask for"
Spencer smiles
"Same goes to you Y/n"
Hii I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I know there wasn't a lot of Emily but I wanted you to get to know the reader some and theres going to be a lot more of Emily in the next chapter. Also I know that a lot of this is dark. Like I said in my authors note this story is going to have a lot of internalzed homophobia. If this made anyone uncomfortable I'm sorry and my dms are always open if anyone needs to talk.