Note ---
Hiii. Happy New Year!
Now, this update is not going to be happy. Not at all. So, maybe this me (and maybe you, too) having a last cry for 2020. Let's hope for something better this coming new year.
Stay safe, guys. And I love you all. Thank you for a meaningful year (despite everything).
-A. 💜
P.S. Anong handa n'yo? Makikikain ako. Chaur.
----
S I A
Before Rosa 33
○○○
This was supposed to be the best Christmas I've ever had. But I guess, the universe thought that I don't deserve one so, it found a way to ruin everything.
The morning of Christmas Eve, I woke up happy despite my frustrating talk with my dad the night before. The big family that was Rosalie's crew and the Gonzales fam lifted my mood tenfold. Ang tagal ko nang hindi nakararanas ng ganito -- the genuine smiles and loud laughter during get-togethers. Ang saya lang nilang tingnan.
Habang pinagmamasdan sila, ginawa ko ang lahat para hindi malungkot at ikumpara sila sa sarili kong pamilya. It made me sad. We've been like this before, noong buhay pa si Kuya Alele. I'll pay anything to bring it back but... hindi ko alam kung saan 'yun mabibili. O kung meron nga bang mabibilhan nun.
"Anong oras na?" I heard Raffy ask from the other side of the hall. It snapped me out of my trance.
"11:59, kuya," sagot ng isang service crew ng Rosalie's.
I blinked. Magsisimula na ang countdown, isip ko.
"Magsisimula na," echo ni Raffy.
I looked at him with forehead creased. Naramdaman kong kinuha niya ang kamay ko, dahilan para bumilis ang tibok ng aking puso. "Bakit mo 'ko hinahanap eh Pasko, hindi naman New Year?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
"It's our first Christmas together," he said, squeezing my hand. "I wanna hold you."
Napapikit ako sa kacheesy-han niya. "Pwede b--"
Natigilan ako. My phone rang against my other hand. Tiningnan ko 'yun at nakita ang caller ID ni Sana. I grinned and let go of Raffy's hand. "I'll be back."
"Wait," pigil niya sa 'kin sabay huli ulit ng aking mga kamay.
Kasabay ng paghiyaw ng lahat ng, "Merry Christmas!", lumapit siya at hinalikan ang noo ko.
"Merry Christmas," bulong niya.
Filled with a weird but familiar feeling in my chest, I chuckled. "Merry Christmas." Tumingkayad ako at hinalikan siya sa labi. With a last squeeze of his hand, I let his hand go. Tumalikod na 'ko sa kaniya at sinagot ang tawag ng kapatid ko.
"Sana," nakangiting bati ko. Rinig ko pa ang malakas na tibok ng aking puso at ramdam ko pa ang mga labi ni Raffy sa labi ko. "Merry Christmas."
○●○
As early as four the next morning, Raffy and I left for Cierra Estrella. Raffy was talking to Kei over the phone most of the ride, but I didn't pay them much attention. Tahimik lang akong nakasandal sa bintana ng passenger's seat, nakatulala sa kalsada. Minsan, namamalayan ko na lang na nakatulog na pala ako. Then, I would ask Raffy to make a stop para maka-ihi ako.
Raffy let me be. Hindi niya 'ko sinubukang kausapin kung hindi kailangan. He didn't try to make me feel better either because, I think, he knows that nothing will make be feel better. Ni hindi pa nga nagpoprocess sa 'kin ang mga nangyayari. Ang alam ko lang, kailangan naming makarating sa Cierra Estrella ngayon din.
"Raffy, nasa'n na tayo?" tanong ko maya-maya. Naka-idlip nanaman ako at paggising ko'y nakatigil na ang kotse. Pipikit-pikit kong inilibot ang aking tingin. Madilim na sa labas.
"Nasa labas tayo ng gate ninyo," sagot niya. "Are you ready?"
I stared at Raffy's eyes, trying to make sense of how I felt so that I can answer his question truthfully. But I didn't feel anything. All I have was a vast emptiness inside of me.
"Hindi ko alam Raf," sagot ko sa kaniya. "I don't think I'll ever be ready."
He nodded. "Naiintindihan kita."
I let one of the corners of my lips raise in a sad smile. Raffy's "Naiintindihan kita," spread warmth throughout my whole body. Siguro, kung ibang tao ang nagsabi noon sa 'kin, hindi ako naniwalang sincere sila. Pero pinagdaanan na ni Raffy 'tong pinagdaraanan ko. It felt oddly reassuring.
Nagbuntong-hininga ako. Inipon ko muna ang lahat ng aking lakas bago siya sinagot. "Tara na," sabi ko.
Raffy nodded before maneuvering the car towards my childhood home.
○●○
Nahirapan si Raffy na humanap ng parking area sa malaking parking lot ng bahay namin. For some reason, puno ito ng saksakyan. Buti na lang at may bakante sa bandang likod, malapit sa isang puno ng manga. Raffy parked there.
Nang patayin niya ang makina ay tumingin siya sa 'kin. "Sabi ni Kei, hindi siya makakauwi dahil packed ang schedule niya hanggang next week. Nasa Australia siya ngayon. But they wanted to say that they love you."
Tumango ako. "Tell him I understand."
He gave me a thin smile before nodding. He went out of the car to open the door from my side. Inalalayan niya 'ko palabas.
"Pwede kong hawakan ang kamay mo?" bulong ko sa kaniya pagkalabas.
Raffy searched my eyes for a while, then gave me a kind smile. "Oo naman," aniya sabay kuha ng isang kamay ko. "Tara?"
I heaved a deep sigh. Sinubukan kong punuan ng hangin ang kawalan sa loob ko. It didn't help. So I just exhaled loudly. "Tara."
Mabagal lang ang lakad namin ni Raffy papunta sa main door. Maliwanag na maliwanag ang ng bahay ngayon dahil sa Christmas lights na kumukuti-kutitap sa labas. Nakabukas rin ang halos lahat ng ilaw sa first floor.
But despite the colorful and joyous outlook, the mood in the place was tense. Like Santa is coming to town any minute now, but instead of presents, he's coming to with bombs. Walang Christmas song na tumutugtog mula sa malaking speaker. Walang tawanan.
Instead, the house was filled with tensed whispers. Groups of people come in and out of our residence every few seconds. Every group was engaged in their own serious conversations. I couldn't understand what they were saying but I can see them shaking their heads in dismay.
Raffy and I passed by them quietly. But even then, I still caught their attention. Some stopped talking when they saw me, some avoided eye contact. But no one came to talk.
I walked forward. I'm vaguely aware of my figure, the seven-month preganant belly that I sport. I'm vaguely aware of their more intense whispering after I passed by. I would've ran away if Raffy wasn't holding my hand.
Pagtapak ko sa loob ng bahay namin, sinalubong ako ng malaking family picture. Tinitigan ko lang 'yun, kahit na hindi ko alam ang dapat maramdaman sa nakikita.
My eyes flicked towards the image of Papa. Bigla akong nahirapang huminga. Hindi ko napansing bumabaon na pala ang kuko ko sa kamay ni Raffy. Buti na lang ay narinig ko ang impit niyang pagdaing.
Natauhan ako dahil doon. "S-sorry," sabi ko sabay bitaw ng kamay niya. "Sorry Raf--"
"Okay lang," agap niya. He took my hand again and squeezed it. "I'm okay, See. Don't worry about me."
I squeezed back. "Sorry..."
Raffy nodded.
Just then, Sana chose to show up. She appeared from the sala and greeted me. "Ate!" Tumakbo siya papunta sa 'kin at yumakap. Nakasunod sa kaniya si Xander na sumali rin sa yakap. Raffy had to hold my back para hindi ako matumba.
"Sana... Xander..."
Sana started crying. Xander followed. I had to look up and inhale really deep to avoid following their examples. It wasn't easy.
Habang nakatingala, nahuli ko ang mga mata ni Kuya Alele sa family picture namin. His smiling photo had me whispering a curse.
Kuya, I need you like Sana and Xander need me right now. I wish you were here.
Tumikhim ako bago pa 'ko tuluyang maiyak. Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang aking mga kapatid sa pagkakayakap sa 'kin. Raffy helped to make them feel better. Nang mahimasmasan si Sana, inaya ko na sila papasok sa sala.
"Nasa likod-bahay po kanina," sagot niya nang tanungin ko kung nasaan si Mama.
"Kumusta siya?"
Sana opened her mouth to answer, but stopped when Mama walked out of the living area. She was talking to some ladies, smiling politely at them. Mukhang ihahatid niya na ang mga ito palabas nang makita niya kami.
"Alesia," aniya. She said goodbye to the ladies and approached us. "Buti't nakauwi ka."
Pinagmasdan ko si Mama. She looked... collected. I wasn't shocked. She was like this with Kuya. But I was disappointed.
"You look familiar," Mama said, looking at Raffy.
"Uh..." Raffy looked at me, unsure of what to say.
I took a deep breath to contain my feelings. Kung mukhang kalmado si Mama, walang rason para mawala ang poise ko. "Ma, si Raffy. My... my boyfriend."
I studied Mama's face. If she was shocked, she didn't show it. Binigyan niya lang si Raffy ng isang ngiti. Then, Mama looked at me again. "Nandito ang Papa mo," turo niya sa living area.
Sana squeezed my hand. "Tara, ate."
"Uhm...okay."
Sana pulled me to the living room. Pagkakita ko pa lang ng set-up ay gusto ko nang umalis.
The sofa was moved to the side. In its usual spot was coffin -- Papa's coffin. Flowers occupied half of the room, leaving only an aisle from the entrance to where the coffin was placed.
"Uhm, Sana." Tumigil ako bago pa man kami makalapit sa kabaong. "I'm tired. Sa... sa susunod na lang ako sisilip."
Sana studied me. "Si-sige po."
Lumingon ako sa likod ko para tingnan si Raffy. "I want to go to my room first." He gave me a small smile before nodding.
"Ma," baling ko sa Mama ko na nasa kabilang tabi. "Magpapahinga lang kami saglit."
Tumango siya pero hindi nagsalita. She smiled at Raffy before excusing herself. Pupunta muna raw siya sa kusina para i-check ang pagkain.
"Ihahatid ko na po kayo, ate," Sana said.
"'Yung gamit natin sa kotse, kukunin ko lang," ani Raffy.
I nodded. Pinasama ko si Xander sa kaniya para may katulong siya at para na rin may guide siya papunta sa kuwarto ko.
On the way to my room, I asked Sana about Mama. Kinumusta ko ito.
"Hindi ko pa po siya nakikitang umiyak since mamatay si Papa, ate. Okay lang po kaya siya?"
I shrugged. "Maybe." She was like that when Kuya died. It's no surprise she's the same now.
Ilang minuto matapos naming marating ni Sana ang kuwarto ko ay sumunod na rin sina Raffy at Xander. My siblings left us to get settled.
"Your room is big," Raffy observed. Ipinatong niya ang isang bag sa study table at nagsimulang kalkalin ang loob noon.
Kibit-balikat akong naupo sa kama. "I don't remember it being this big. I haven't been here in... years."
Tumigil si Raffy sa ginagawa niya at lumapit sa 'kin. He gave me a small smile. "You need a hug?"
"I honestly don't know, Raf."
"Well, I'll still give you one anyway." He came closer and wrapped me in a bear hug. I buried my face in his stomach.
I thought I should feel something -- maybe a little bit of warmth, or something filling up the void in my stomach. But nothing came. Sure, I felt Raffy's love. I felt my love for him, too. My heart still responded to his touch. But emotionally, about my father and what is happening right now... I don't feel anything.
Tinapik ko ang likod ni Raffy. He let me go.
"I think you should eat first. Help yourself at the kitchen downstairs. Magpapahinga lang ako," sabi ko sa kaniya.
Raffy held my hands, massaging them slightly. "Ikaw? Hindi ka nagugutom?"
Hinuli ko ang isa niyang kamay at pinisil iyon. "Bababa na lang ako kapag nagutom ako. I wanna be alone for a while. To think."
Tumango siya. "Okay."
Before leaving, Raffy leaned in and gave me a peck. "I love you, okay?" he said.
I nodded. "I love you, too."
"Okay." With a last kiss on my forehead and on my belly, Raffy left. I was left alone in the four corners of my childhood room, Papa's gift staring back at me from where Raffy put it down a while ago. Ni hindi ko napansing dinala niya but, there it is.
I stared back at it.
○●○
Ilang taon na rin akong walang natatanggap na regalo mula sa mga magulang ko tuwing Pasko o birthday. This year is the first, and probably the last.
Maingat kong kinuha ang regalong nakabalot sa pulang wrapping paper at pinagmasdan iyon. I don't have the handkerchief that came with it. I'm not sure where it is. Maybe Raffy had it. But it wasn't mine. Papa said it was for my baby, so.
But this -- this gift is supposed to be mine.
Inalog ko ang regalo. Something rattled inside, like chips hitting plastic containers. If there's food in here, I wouldn't be surprised.
Hindi rin mabigat ang regalo. I don't think it's a shoe even though the box was as big as one.
Dahan-dahan akong umupo ulit sa kama. I hesitated to open the gift but chose to do it anyway. Ito ang huling regalong matatanggap ko mula sa Papa ko, I think it's better to open it while he's still physically with present.
Maingat kong inalis ang wrapper. May box nga, pero hindi naman nakasabi roon kung anong laman. I opened it and found myself face to face with six cups of YanYan, the snack. And call me crazy, but the sight of it tore a big chunk out of my heart. The tears that I've been trying to stop from falling eventually fell.
Like a dam, I broke down.
○●○
Losing my father was the most confusing thing I've ever experienced.
I still remember all of our misunderstandings. I still remember how he slapped me, not once, but twice. (First, when he learned that I like girls and second, when she learned that I was pregnant.) I still remember how his eyes flared both times.
I also remember why we always had misunderstandings. I like to talk, he doesn't want to. He and my mother bottle up their emotions and it frustrates me. I want to understand them but it seems like they don't want me to. I gave up trying long ago.
But mixed with frustration and anger was this uncomfortable feeling of longing and regret.
Like I said, we weren't always like this. There was a time when my dad was my favorite person in the world. I'm a daddy's girl when I was younger. I wanna grow up to be like him -- a mayor, the head of this town. My high school friends called me "Mayora" because of that. And honestly, I used to love it.
I remember sitting on the Mayor's chair whenever he's in a meeting. People would come to the Municipal Mayor's Office and find me there, holding a YanYan stick like a cigarette saying, "Wala si Mayor Alejandro. Si Mayora Alesia ang nandito. Anong kailangan mo?" Nakakahiya nang isipin ngayon pero sobrang saya ko noon. Feel na feel ko 'yon.
Then, once Papa was done with his meetings for the day, he'll come back to pick me up with a handkerchief ready. Alam niya kasing ang kalat kong kumain. He wouldn't say anything after that, just a small smile. Tapos, aayain na niya 'kong umuwi.
"Papa..." patuloy na hagulgol ko habang yakap ng regalo niyang YanYan. Ganoon ang ayos ko hanggang sa makatulog na. I didn't even notice Raffy coming back to the room. When I woke up, it's already morning and Raffy was nowhere to be seen.
The first thing I saw was my mom sitting down beside me, an unreadable expression on her face. "Mag-ayos ka na," aniya. "May kailangan tayong pag-usapan."
Kunot noo ko siyang tiningnan. Ang sakit pa ng mga mata ko mula sa pag-iyak at nasisilaw ako ng liwanag na nanggagaling sa bintana. Pumikit na lang ako at minasahe ang aking sentido. "Ma, ang aga-aga. Tungkol saan ba?"
"Tungkol sa opisinang iniwan ng Papa mo."
Natigilan ako. "Ano?"
"Malapit na'ng eleksyon, Alesia. Pinatay ang Papa mo para hindi siya makatakbong muli. Hindi natin pwedeng iwang bukas ang posisyon."
To be continued...