Hello Lovely humans, Going to spend some time getting caught up replying to everyone's comments today. I appreciate each and every one of you. updates this week are today Friday and then Special Final update on my birthday on Saturday. Hope you enjoy this nice LONG chapter.
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Daylight faded into night as Hermione stood at the window staring at the spot she had seen Fred last. She had watched him run into the woods and disappear from view and a part of her could not look away, as if somehow looking out after him would keep him safe.
Please let him be okay, she silently prayed.
Finally she forced herself away and turned to see Draco standing just a few feet away, staring at her with an odd expression on his face.
"What?" she demanded a little more harshly than intended and she winced at her own tone.
The truth was that she was scared for Fred and if he would be okay; scared for how things were going to change when they came to rescue her in a few days, and scared of her own emotions how much thinking about Draco's rejection last night hurt.
It didn't bode well for her tonal control at the moment.
"Nothing," Draco said. "Sorry, I didn't mean to stare."
Her blood heated with frustration.
You shouldn't be looking at me like that, she thought angrily, not if you don't want me.
"I don't understand you Draco," Hermione shook her head. She twined her fingers in her curls and made a fist tugging on her own hair in response to the feeling that her scalp was too tight and enjoying the slight zing of pain which for a moment took her focus away from that queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Why are you provoking him? She didn't know why she was talking.
Why she didn't just close her mouth?
Why did she have to pick a fight with him?
She knew she was pushing him...
And yet she felt like she was sitting in the back seat with someone else driving.
She could not help her own actions and that only made things more tumultuous inside because Hermione had always liked control.
Right now she felt utterly out of control, powerless to help her friend and forced to sit and wait to be rescued like a damn damsel in distress.
She hated it.
"That makes two of us," Draco muttered in response.
"What?" Hermione asked grumpily. She was pretty sure she had heard him right, but it was one hell of a cop out of an answer and Hermione wasn't in the mood for games.
She was pissed and tired and scared and just wanted to go home.
Seeing Fred just jump out the window had made her want to do the same. It had made her question herself as to why she hadn't done it herself before things got complicated and...emotional with Draco. She knew why she wasn't jumping now...but why hadn't she tried harder before. A small piece of her hated herself for not trying harder.
You tried to escape, she consoled herself. Twice.
And you would have made it if it weren't for the bind.
"I said that makes two of us," Draco dragged his hand through his hair. "I barely recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror and it's not just because of the scar."
"That scar is nothing," said Hermione dismissively.
Why the hell is he so concerned over that little thing? She muttered mentally, There are so many more important things in our lives going on right now than a silly little scar.
Besides, the flirtier side of her brain, which she wished would shut up added: the scar he has almost makes him more rugged...more handsome...
She wanted to smack that side of her brain for bothering her. She did not want to think of him like that. Not now, not after last night.
"It's something to me Hermione," said Draco.
The pain in his voice stopped Hermione.
"I've never been ugly on the outside, only within."
"The scar doesn't make you ugly on the outside," she assured him, not sure why she had to tell one of the most attractive men she would ever come in contact with that he was actually attractive.
I wish it did make him uglier, the currently bitter and pissed off side of her mind said snidely, maybe it would make it easier to kill the desire to kiss you, she thought.
That's shallow, she thought back.
"Why don't you just get over it?" she gestured to his face with one hand. "That was weeks ago. You shouldn't still be moping about it. Fred lost a damn eye, Bill has real scars all down the side of his face, you've got one stupid 'Pretty' scar over your eyebrow and you're whining about it," her voice had risen. "Well. Boo-Freaking-who."
The pain on Draco's was so evident and so raw it almost took Hermione's breath away.
In an instant it was gone, hidden behind a mask so perfectly cool and placid that there was nothing in his expression to indicate anything at all was wrong.
Hermione saw the pain behind his eyes before he slipped a cool mask into place.
It was a mask she recognized too well and she hated knowing she had made him pull it out.
That mask was a defense.
She had made him put it back on to protect himself.
What is wrong with you? She demanded of herself. Why are you being so cruel to him?
"You're right," said Draco. "I'm selfish and self centered and conceited and no matter what I look like on the outside I'll still be ugly on the inside," his voice was calm, unnervingly calm. "So maybe it's better if I'm ugly outside. At least then people will know what to expect."
There was a cool distance in his words and they sounded wrong. His whole voice sounded wrong.
Hermione's chest ached and the nausea that had retreated in the wake of her anger returned with a fury.
Hermione had gotten so used to his gentle tones and his kindness that she had almost forgotten what it was like to have him be cool and distant. Even when he was playing the part in front of others she could still see the struggle in him, how it hurt him to cause her pain. And now here she was lashing out at him and causing him pain on purpose just because she was upset.
This isn't like you, this isn't who you are.
Look at everything he has done for you, its not his fault he doesn't want you back.
Hermione froze.
That was what this was all about.
She wanted him, she liked him and he didn't feel the same so she was mad at him for it and taking it out on him.
Well how stupid of you Hermione, she told herself, going and falling for someone who will never feel the same way.
Tears pricked the back of her eyes.
Is this how you treat someone you like? A quiet voice spoke in her ear as she watched Draco turn away from her.
After everything he's done...you're hurting him. It's not fair and its not his fault if he doesn't feel the same so stop blaming him for something he can't help, she ordered herself and then looked to the stiff posture of the young man who was walking away from her.
"Draco wait," she said and reached out for him. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" he asked without turning back to her. His voice was still frighteningly flat.
"You're not ugly."
"Yes I am."
"No you're not," she said again. If you were truly ugly I wouldn't care about you the way I do, she added silently.
She tried to get him to turn towards her, tugging on his arm. He refused to budge or give her and inch and so Hermione was the one who moved. She walked around to face him.
His skin was pale and drawn and he looked so tired and still he looked beautiful to her.
How could he ever doubt?
Fred had asked her only a day ago if she had feelings for Draco, but up until this moment she hadn't realized just how deeply they ran. Looking at his face, even with the impassive mask, she knew a part of her would care for this beautiful, damaged, brave man for the rest of her life.
She needed to undo the damage her anger had wrought.
She needed him to see that he wasn't bad.
She had said it before and yet he still kept coming back to it again and again.
His self loathing ran deep and she knew why.
She had seen why.
It takes time to heal wounds that deep.
Well I want to at least start the healing...
"Draco listen to me please," she said reaching up to touch his face.
Even if he may never return her feelings that didn't mean that she couldn't show him he deserved to have someone care for him for real, not just for his money or his face but for the soul that hid behind all that.
"I don't know if you have ever been really bad or if it was just that you were a product of circumstance, but you are not ugly."
"My decisions were my own. I'm not going to cop out and blame it all on my parents," he sneered at the suggestion and turned away from her.
"It isn't a cop out when your parents beat and brainwash you!" She grabbed hold of him again he tried to pull away. This time she held fast. "Don't you see?" she returned one hand on the side of his face and made him look at her. "You turned into my hero despite all that," she looked into his eyes. "You Draco. You are so much more incredible than someone who was raised to be good. You chose to do good even though you were never taught to, even though it put you in danger."
"I'm not a Hero!" Draco shouted back, his mask finally breaking. "I'm not good."
"Yes you are," Hermione grabbed his face with both hands. "Can't you see?" she held his face and made him look at her. "You saved me. You saved Fred. That's the act of a hero."
"I tortured you, that's the act of a villain."
"To save me," she countered. "You are my Hero."
"Stop saying that," Draco demanded.
"Why? It's true and I want you to get it through your thick blond scull that you are good."
"I am not," he sounded so sure it ripped Hermione's heart in two.
How could she reach him? How could she make him see the truth? He had called himself a monster before and she had denied that for him. This was different. This time she was calling him the hero and she could see how much he rejected the barest notion of word 'Hero' being applied to him.
"How can you say that?" she managed.
"Because if I were good I wouldn't be so selfish."
Selfish? Hermione balked.
There were a lot of words that she could use to describe how Draco had been towards her since her capture. He had been hard sometimes, pig-headed on occasion, mean a few times but not selfish...
"How have you been selfish?" she asked, trying to understand what was blinding him to the truth. "You put yourself out there for me. That's not selfish."
"I should have let you go, I should have just let Voldemort try and make me find you and never told him."
"Oh don't be stupid," she counted. They both knew it wouldn't have worked.
"I..." Draco stammered. "I
"See," said Hermione pointedly. "You haven't been,"
"I WANT To be," said Draco
"In what way?" asked Hermione throwing her hands up. "I don't blame you for wanting to protect your mother. That's not selfish-it's the exact opposite of selfish" What was he talking about? What could he want that made him selfish. He wanted out of this, sure, so did she that wasn't selfish it was fucking obvious. No one in their right mind would want to be caught up in this whole situation.
"That's not what I mean," said Draco.
"Then what?" demanded Hermione. "What could you want that could possible make you selfish?"
"YOU!" Draco blurted out in a yell.
Hermione stood shell shocked.
She couldn't form words.
Draco seemed to tremble at the admission. He said it again quieter this time.
"You."
Hermione stood there motionless reeling from that single word.
Me?
That's impossible...It...he can't...he
Her mind reeled, gears grinding as she tried to make sense of what he was saying.
"See," said Draco and he looked away from her shaking his head.
Hermione realized he had taken her silence as rejection instead of shock.
She opened her mouth to speak, but his head turned back towards her and his eyes were hard as stone.
He shook his head.
"I'm not the Hero."
Before Hermione could argue and tell him he was wrong he vanished in a swirl of black.
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How's that for a confession of feeling? Not quite what you were expecting huh? Well...at least its out there now...Please leave some love if you enjoyed this chapter and the fact that Draco finally admitted (at least in part) his feelings out loud.