It's been a while since I last updated and left you on a bit of a cliffhanger, but here you go... I hope you enjoy!!
2 hours later, and Ehsaan still isn't home. I've been worried sick, pacing up and down the house and checking out of the window every few seconds to see of he was coming up the drive. I've made him dinner, I've prayed salah, read some Qur'an, done the laundry –anything to take my mind off Amma's absurd suggestion and to pass the time quickly till he got home.
He hasn't answered a single one of my calls, and I knew he needed some space right now, but I need him too. Why is he pushing me away instead of allowing us to get through this together?
I'm sat on the sofa, positioned with my gaze out the window, my phone sat beside me, as I impatiently waited to hear from my husband.
45 minutes later, and still –nothing. Now, I was beginning to imagine the worst. What if something had happened to him? What if he'd been in an accident, or worse? We had barely spoken before he'd left, and I missed him desperately.
I'd received a call from Ehsaan's parents landline, but didn't answer, I can't face Amma after the events of the afternoon, and I'd also had a call directly from her, but I just let it ring out in front of me. My heart was torn open –the woman who I regarded as my own mother, who had welcomed me with open arms and made me feel like one of the family from day one, was now putting me in a position where I am essentially being blackmailed to take in someone else's child after the death of my own. It was heartless and insensitive to say the least.
My phone rang yet again, and I jumped instantly, hoping it was Ehsaan. It wasn't - it was Aaminah. Again, I let it ring out, but when she called me again seconds later, I had no choice but to answer.
"Assalamualaykum"
"Walaikumsalaam. Thank God you answered Aleena, I've been worried sick!"
"Is everything okay?" I asked her.
"I'm fine, it's you and Ehsaan I've been worried about!"
"Oh, why?"
"Maa's been trying to call you and said neither of you are responding, so I tried and I couldn't get through to Ehsaan or you –I thought something awful had happened!"
"No, alhamdulillah we're okay"
She paused, not saying anything for a few seconds, "Hey, Aleena, are you sure you're alright? It seems like something is bothering you. Is it Ehsaan? Because if it is I'll –"
"Aaminah don't worry about it, Ehsaan and I are fine –he hasn't done anything, I promise"
"You sound sad honey, I just want to make sure"
"Tired, Aaminah, that's all"
"Okay, if you say so. I wont keep you any longer then –tell Ehsaan I gave salaam and call me if you need anything –and by the way, a girls day is much needed!"
I laughed in response, "Soon InshaAllah"
I prayed my Isha as it was now getting earlier due to the winter months nearing in, and sat on my prayer mat reciting some more Quran, before trying to call Ehsaan one more time. I was getting tireless by now, terrified for his wellbeing, and even angry that he'd left without telling me where he was going and when he'd be back. I was lost in the unknown, and didn't know how to think straight without him by my side.
I called him and it began to ring, once, twice, three times. I almost gave up and thought to just hang up as it neared the end and he still didn't answer, when I heard an exhausted, "Assalamualaikum" at the other end of the line.
I breathed a deep sigh of relief, "Ehsaan where are you?! I've been worried sick!"
"Aleena I'm at Dadi's"
"Oh"
"I'm sorry I've been so long" he sounded so sad, and it was breaking me to hear him in such a state, so I decided to be easy on him, and said,
"It's okay, when are you coming back?"
"Erm, I'll leave in a few moments, let me just help Dadi first, what was that Dadi...okay, I'll ask her now," he spoke to his grandmother.
"Dadi wants you to come here and have some tea with her, then we'll both go back home together?"
"Sound great, I'll be there soon."
After hanging up, I jumped into the car and drove to Dadi's house, our sanctuary outside of our own home, and the house of the woman who had a lifetime of wisdom and become our confidante. I was eternally grateful that Ehsaan had her so close to him, because after all the difficulties he's been through in his life, she's held him close to her, helped him strengthen his faith with every passing day and been there for him no matter what.
After arriving, I rushed into the house, and almost flew into his arms as I saw him stand up when I walked into the room. His eyes were apologetic as he noticed the tear marks that had traced their way down my cheeks in the last few hours, but I smiled at him in reassurance, grateful that he was now close.
We spent the evening talking to Dadi, no mention of today's events, and although I was glad to have it off my mind, it was something that couldn't be hidden any longer, and the issue needed to be addressed. As soon as possible.
* * *
We sat in the living room, not laying together like we normally do, with him fiddling with my hair as we watch a movie and I lean on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as it soothed me and lulled me to sleep. Tonight we were sitting very much alert and tense, opposite one another on the sofas, waiting for the other to speak up.
Long, heavy minutes passed, but still, nothing.
"Ehsaan, please talk to me. Are you alright?"
He huffed, "Alright?" he got up, "No, I'm not alright."
I looked at him sympathetically.
"You want to know how I got to Dadi's house today? As soon as I left from here, I didn't even know where I was going, I wasn't thinking straight, all I know is that I was feeling immense fury at my mother. I found myself at the graveyard, kneeling by my daughter's resting place, sobbing into the ground and apologising to her endlessly. I couldn't breathe, I was dying inside because I felt so guilty, so incredibly guilty! Our child, who we never even got to bring home –and they want us to just replace her!"
"Ehsaan, I would never have agreed!"
"I know you wouldn't have, but it was her – it was all her. The fact that she even thought for a split second that it was a possibility – it makes me sick!"
I stood up and took him by the shoulders, leaning on my tiptoes with my head held high till my eyes could meet his through our tears.
"She'll never be replaced, Ehsaan. Never." I whispered, desperately, and shaking my head. He closed his eyes, clasping them tightly and not opening them despite the droplets of sorrow that burned their way out. He shook his head.
"I felt so much hatred in those moments, I didn't know what to do. There was an untamed beast within me, waiting for the chains to break so that my anger could finally be let loose! I can't stand the feeling of it swelling inside of me –the intensity killing me, the forcefulness destroying me. I had to do something," his fists were clenched and his eyes wandering from their tight clasp, lost, and alone. Seeing him like this, hearing him like this, is tearing me up more and more with every passing second. "I've never felt like this before –never have I had so much fury and resentment towards anyone –let alone my mother. But I was terrified, and I was hurt, and I felt unforgivable."
His vulnerability was apparent, forlorn and despairing. My Ehsaan isn't like this; he is strong, he is resilient, he is spirited. But when it comes to matters of the heart, and, in particular, ours, all the walls break down around him - when he's with me he doesn't need to put up a façade, he can truly be himself. And right now, he is in pain, and I can't see him like this any longer.
I don't say a word, but I life his hand up and entwine his fingers in mine, I clutch on to his hand, gently, yet at the same time, as though my whole life depends on it. I raise it up, and I place a soft and lingering kiss on the back of his palm. Yet he still remains unresponsive to my efforts –but I don't know how else to bring him back to me, to make him see what is right in front of eyes, to make him understand that his happiness lies around him, in our home, in our memories, in me, and in our families. From the day he was born, he has been his mother's pride and joy, the most special being in her universe –with his loving personality, his kind nature, his spiritual focus, his protective streak, his flawless way of capturing the hearts of those around him –he is every woman's dream son. And though I know that we are hurting, I can't help but imagine that she must be too.
I lead him to the deep sofa and he takes a seat. I sit facing him, and wrap my arms around his neck. He inhales, but resists any temptation. I am running out of options now to bring him out of his trance – so I resort to the only thing left that will make him open his eyes and remind him of his purpose. My lips meet his slowly and I kiss him, but he abstains from letting loose. I kiss him again, this time deeper, earning an almost inaudible groan, but it was there, however faint, so I continued. Eventually, he surrenders, desperately returning the love in a frantic manner and full of seething emotion. That kiss told the story of our hardship. I try to pull away and talk to him, but through the tears and the emotion, the effort was hopeless as he took me back hungrily and enveloped me amid his silent sobs.
I was breathless, but I whispered, "Ehsaan"
"I don't want to be angry at her, darling. But I don't know how else to feel. I can't let it go, I can't let her do this to us."
"Then don't be angry, just let go. Forgive her. We've said no, and no doubt she realises what we're now going through –the mere thought of it...I can't even fathom what the thought process behind it all was. But Ehsaan, whatever happens, you have to remember, she's your mother, she wants the best for you and she would go to any lengths for you to even taste happiness. Because no matter what, she loves you endlessly, and she always will."
"You think she knows we're serious about saying no?"
"I should hope so, but even if she doesn't, it's never going to happen, regardless. And as guilty as I feel for not giving the child a better start in life, it isn't our responsibility. And especially after what we've been through – this was bound to be our response."
"You probably think I'm an awful person after the way I've reacted to this." Ehsaan said, his voice low as his head hung down in shame.
"Oh Ehsaan, I could never think that. Never!" I look him in the eye as I speak to him, determinedly. He pulls me close and I nestle beside him.
"Darling, where would I be without you? I'm so proud of you, you know that – the way you've dealt with this so calmly despite the anguish and despite being alone – and I'm so sorry for leaving you like that, I felt so guilty for walking out when we should have worked through it together, that when I wanted to come back home to you, my guilt kept me away and wouldn't let me face you." I smile up at him as he speaks.
"I love you darling, so much. If only I was even half the person you are." he says as he presses his lips against my forehead.
That night, we let go of our worries. We prayed, and we remained on our prayer mats long after finishing, praying for help and for guidance as we each held a Quran and recited the words of our Lord, that brought us comfort and peace through all the trials and tribulations that life had thrown at us thus far.
"And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah]"
Quran
Verse 2:45
So, is that the end of this drama??? Or is there more to come?? Let me know what you think in the comments!
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, next one will be up either tonight/tomorrow morning!
Hope you're all having a lovely day iA!
Lots of love,
birdwithapen x