HARRY
Have you ever spent a still summer night lying with your head in the grass and your eyes in the stars; A moment of beautiful silence when everyone has gone to sleep, and yet the stars are still out shining? Its quiet and you are engulfed by darkness, and it feels as though there is nothing in the world but you and the clear night sky and the bright specks of white shimmering in a sea of black, the way the sunlight dance across the oceans surface. And in that moment you feel so connected to the world as your body is pressed against its façade and the sky surrounds you as you take it all in. In the middle of February when you’re far away from home and the dewy grass where you lay and feel infinite is covered in snow, its hard to recreate that feeling, but if you’re lucky in your life you will find something that gives you that sense of completeness, and in my life I’ve found two.
Standing with my feet planted firmly on stage I feel the same comfort that I do in my own backyard cradled by the lawn. And in front of me it seems as though there is a literal night sky, darkness inhabited by twinkling lights of cellphones and glow sticks. And even though there is no such silence in this moment and the opposite takes over, the steady of the roar builds the completeness of silence. Every show on stage felt like that endless summer night.
Though as clear and blue as the sky in the daylight of May, Charlie’s eyes were like watching the night sky. I wondered how other people saw her eyes, and if they noticed the same gleaming twinkle that I did, or if its presence was only on account of the sight of my own eyes sparkling down at them. A part of me hoped that it was the kind of beauty that only existed for me, because of me, while another part felt pity for those who would miss out on it. I hoped everyone who loved somebody found that sparkle in the eye of the person that they felt completed them, because I think that if you can’t see that evident flicker ignited by affection and lust and compassion and the sense of mutual wholeness, then something is missing, and that something is love. And I’d like to believe only one person in a lifetime could make that spark exist, and that’s why I felt so complete with Charlie like a still twilight in the middle of June, I held onto her and prayed our love would be as endless as a summer night.
The last six weeks felt like a single summer night, darkness accompanied by the light of eyes and phones in a crowd, mixed with music and lyrics and meaning. I think the reason I felt so complete with Charlie and on stage is because the two went hand in hand. Being on stage was scary, it was exhilarating and each night felt once in a lifetime. We sang fun songs and slow songs and love songs of both, and for me it all led back to her. She gave me the strength every night to stand on that stage and give my fans my everything, she gave me the spark of adrenaline when I saw her in the crowd, she gave me the meaning behind the words, both the happy and the serious… she made everything possible, everything worthwhile.
But at the end of every evening comes a sunrise, and while daylight brought a new beginning, a new day, I wasn’t quite ready to let go of this infinite night. Sat on a plane with Charlie’s sleeping head fit into the crook of my neck whilst her small arms clung to one of mine, I stared down at the list of shows. Names of venues tainted by scribbles, leaving only two legible places. It felt like every show was a span of time during that endless night, and as time ticked on with your body in the curve of your lawn, the shows were being scribbled away. With only two left you could sense the sun was coming; the stars were still up but the blackness brightened ever so slowly. Within hours we would be in France, we’d play a show tonight and cross it off. We’ll have Saturday off and brightness will grow with Sunday, the 14th of February and our last show of the tour in Paris. Maybe it was selfish to want to go back in time, because I should be so lucky to be where I am today. Sat beside me was a woman I grew to love more and more each day, and in my past were memories and success I could not have even dreamt up. But almost like rereading your favorite book, I wanted to relive the moments. As we soared in a plane across Europe I closed my eyes and allowed the memories to relive themselves in the only place they now existed, my mind.
On February first we were in Germany, and I turned 19 years old. I’m still a teenager, a young man, but sometimes I forget how young I am. With the amount of work we do everyday, the amount of things we have done in such a short time, the amount of love I have for a girl so early on in my life, sometimes I feel as though in months of singing and loving and living I have lived a hundred years. Being in a foreign place on my birthday felt somewhat lonesome without my mother cooking my favorite meal and my family sat around our kitchen in Holmes Chapel. But with Louis and Niall and Liam and Zayn and Charlie, no matter where I went I felt at home. It was a show day, so we woke up early and rehearsed for sound check but until 6PM the day was mine. The six of us, including Eleanor and Danielle, who had taken a short holiday to spend time with Liam, went to lunch and explored the city. It was a simple day but I wouldn’t have changed it. After everyone went back to the hotel, Charlie, Louis and I went walking the other direction to do some shopping around the city. Stood in the middle I had my arm around Louis and Charlie’s hand in mine. It was a beautiful thing, our friendship. To think it started off as Charlie and I best friends when we were young, and when she lost me, she gained Louis. They were best friends throughout middle school and high school but then when Louis had to leave her for X Factor, he had me. And I’ll never forget that day when I walked into my mother’s kitchen and saw a beautiful girl standing there, a beautiful girl that Louis knew, and a beautiful girl that I would later fall in love with. It was such a small world the way things played out for us. In the past, only two of us were ever together at once, but now it was the three of us, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
The boys all pitched in and got me an expensive watch that decorated my wrist alongside my tiny little tattoos quite nicely, and Charlie waited until that evening to give me her gift. The show that night stood out more than the rest, the entire venue sang happy birthday to me. And in the end I realized that I was spending my birthday with my family, my best mates, my Charlotte, and my fans who loved me just as much.
After the show, Charlie took my hand and asked me to go on a walk alone with her. As we walked through the city it was overcome by the still of the night, and as we walked to city disappeared and turned into a quaint little town. For a while we remained silent as we passed through the lightly snow covered town in our pea coats and scarves, hand in hand the quiet was comfortable. And most of the time when I looked back when we were just hanging out, I don’t even know what we talk about. I just listen to the sound of her voice, and her laugh, and listen to the sound of her listening to me. We reached a bench and silently agreed to sit, and as we did Charlie looked up at the stars.
CHARLIE
I could feel his eyes on my skin, I always could. As if they radiated some sort of knowing signal, I could always feel it the way I could feel his presence in a room or the completeness when he finally crawled into bed at night. I shifted my gaze to the stars in his eyes and I smiled up at him.
“Do you remember the first night in Holmes Chapel?” I whispered and he nodded.
“I remembered seeing you laying in the backyard from my window.”
“Why’d you join me that night?”
“I just, I just wanted to be with you.”
“How come?”
His lips pressed together in a firm line as little dimples in his skin appeared on his chin. For a moment he glanced up, and then his stare landed back to mine.
“I think I was looking for something that at the time I didn’t know you had but I know now you always did.”
I stared up at him waiting for more.
“Before that night, I never knew I was missing something until I saw you. That’s when I knew my life was missing something and it’s always been you. I used to lie out back in the summer, in the grass, and look up at the stars. And I always felt so complete and present lying there looking up. And over time I’ve realized that I feel the same way when I’m on stage looking out, and even more complete than a cover-to-cover filled notebook or fitting the last piece into a puzzle. When I look at you, I feel the most complete. I see stars in your eyes Charlie. I don’t know,” he dropped his eyes and looked at his hands folded in his lap, “that night I saw you there and the next thing I knew I was right beside you in the grass, looking up at the stars.” He looked up again and dove into my eyes like the stargazer he always was, “And I really never knew what pulled me there in that moment, but now I have reason to believe it was the stars in your eyes I was drawn to that night.”
As he spoke, a knot formed in my throat and snowballed with each word he said. Tears built up in my eyes but I struggled to remain focus on the glimmer in his eyes. The glint that appeared when he heard their first single went number one, when he put his last breath into his solo, when he looked at me just before he was about to kiss me. I looked away, embarrassed and needing to wrap my head around how perfect he is. But he didn’t look away from me. Even when I was shy and overwhelmed he never looked away because in his eyes, in all of my forms, I completed him. And I knew no man would ever feel the same way about me as he did, ever.
I took his hand and jumped off the bench, pulling him across the uninhabited street. We got to the sidewalk and his face was confused, I took it in my cold hands and crashed my lips with his.
“You really love me, don’t you Harry?” I said just after pushing his face from mine.
“Of course I do, I always have. I always will love you Charlie.”
HARRY
Her hands fell from my face and she ran down past the sidewalk and into the snow blanketed grass. She looked back at me before sitting down in the ground.
“Charlie its freezing, what are you doing?!”
“Are you just going to stand there?” she called before lying back into the ground.
My lips parted as I stared at her, my jaw falling slightly before I picked it up with a smile that grew as I realized what she was doing. Without a seconds hesitation I ran to her, collapsing at her side on the icy ground.
Her hand slipped in mine, her touch warming it instantly as the heat from her coursed through my body – even in the snow covered grass in the middle of the night I was warm, because she was there. For a while we took it in, and I felt a smile on my face as I felt the completeness, hoping she felt it too. Charlie rolled onto my body and took my hands in hers as I lied with my arms above my head. She lowered her face to mine and I lifted my neck meeting her half way, pressing my lips to hers.
“That was the best birthday ever, because of you. Because of this.”
She took my wrist and checked my new watch that read 11:57 PM.
“Its still your birthday, Harry.”
She sat up, her tiny bum pressed up against my stomach she straddled me as she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a small box. I took her sides in my hands and picked her up as I sat up, setting her in front of me as she handed it to me. I pulled an end of the carefully tied ribbon and the bow collapsed, lifting the tiny lid a white gold charm gleamed in the box under the glow of the moon.
“I wanted you to be reminded everyday that our love is infinite, too.” She said putting her hands around my neck and unclasping my necklace, she took the infinity heart charm from the box and slipped it on the chain along with my locket. As she fiddled with the necklace I noticed her matching ring I had given her, whose diamonds shined like the stars in her eyes. She slid her hands behind my neck, putting the necklace back on and keeping her hands pressed firmly against it. I stood, cradling her body as she wrapped her legs around mine and kissed her as I walked across the abandoned park and to the sidewalk. Setting her down the streetlights lit her face as she rose on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek, taking her hand in mine I led her back to the hotel.
I smiled at the memory, my eyes pressed shut I felt for her beside me, pressing my hand to the inside of her thigh. I took my other hand and pulled my necklace from the confinement of my shirt, holding the two charms between my fingers. I cracked my eyes open and peered down at them, wedging the edge of my nail between the sides of the locket I opened it and looked inside at our tiny little faces from then and now on each side. It was an amazing thing how long Charlie had been a part of my life, from a face I saw everyday to one I missed out on for eleven years to one I wanted to see everyday for the rest of my life. And that’s when I knew what I wanted to get her for Valentines Day.
There was still time left on the plane, but when I looked around everyone was fast asleep – it was about 6:30 AM and we’d be in France at around 8:30. I noticed one of Charlie’s earbuds hung on her chest as the other played music in her ear pressed against my shoulder. I took the headphone in my hand, placed it in my ear closest to her and closed my eyes.
“When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up…”
CHARLIE
Something about being in France just made my heart swell with romance. I loved the way their language sounded so beautiful, even if what they were saying was anything but. I wanted nothing more than to go to a café and eat bread and eavesdrop on sweet sounding conversations, so while the boys rehearsed that’s exactly what us girls did. I’m pretty sure we watch a couple break up, but it sounded so lovely despite the periodic sobs and mascara tracks. Perrie and Jade met us at the airport, flying in from London to come to the last shows and spend valentines day with their boyfriends, and it was so good to have the entire gang together again. The front row felt complete with the five of us there to support our five boys, and it was so much more fun with two more friends along – there were just more stories to hear and tell and the laughs were amplified two notches. The show flew by and like it felt each time, it was better than the last.
It felt almost suddenly that I was right back in the front row once more, 48 hours later and somehow it just seemed to happen, we were in Paris now, it was Valentines Day. The boys had been properly exhausted doing all these promos and radio shows and sound checks and concerts, but when they got on that stage on the last night of the leg, they oozed excitement, wore dazzling smiles and sang their hearts out. I jumped during Up All Night, I got chills during Moments, I smiled the whole way through during Everything About You, I belted during Gotta Be You, I shed a tear during Torn and I was proud through every song in between. Liam picked the funniest of twitter questions, Zayn hit the most Mariah Carey of riffs, Louis thrusted left and right, Niall jumped higher than what I previously believed was humanly possible and Harry threw his head back in laughter joking between songs – all of which were sights to see.
“This next song is a brand new song we have never played before, and it will be on our next album!” Liam’s voice boomed from the speakers and the five of us girls exchanged confused glances.
“We wrote this song for our girlfriends, Eleanor, Charlie, Perrie, Jade, and Danielle.” Louis said looking down to the front row, motioning to where we stood. The room erupted with ‘awes!’ as the music started.
“This is our gift to you!” Niall said into the microphone as he gripped his guitar and sat on a stool.
“This is called Little Things.” Zayn’s voice echoed.
“Happy Valentines Day, we love you.” Harry said with his eyes pouring into mine.
“Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me,
but bear this mind it was meant to be.
And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks
and it all makes sense to me.” the five of us joined hands together as our boys sang down to us, the crowd was silent as no one knew the words to the brand new song.
“I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile,
you've never loved your stomach or your thighs,
he dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine
But I'll love them endlessly.
I won't let this little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do, it's you, oh it's you, they add up to
I'm in love with you and all these little things.” It felt as though the room simultaneously let out a gasped ‘awe’.
“You can't go to bed without a cup of tea
maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep
and all those conversations are the secrets that i keep
though it makes no sense to me.” Eleanor cupped her hand and covered her mouth letting out a laugh as a tear escaped her eye, the lyrics were so simply beautiful and personal, each of us smiling to ourselves on our own account.
“I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape
you never want to know how much you weigh
you still have to squeeze into your jeans,” Harry was walking toward our side of the stage, sat down on the edge parallel to me and continued to sing.
“but you're perfect to me.” Joined by Louis the two of them sang their chorus.
“I won't let this little things slips out of my mouth
But if it's true, it's you, it's you, they add up to
I'm in love with you and all these little things”
My eyes filled with tears and my heart filled with every word, bursting at the seams. The two men I loved the most, I was over the moon.
“You never love yourself half as much as i love you
You'll never treat yourself right darling but i want you to.
If I let you know, I’m here for you
maybe you'll love yourself like i love you oh.”
“I've just let these little things slips out of my mouth
‘cause it's you, oh it's you, it's you they add up to
and I'm in love with you, all these little things”
From the stands I could see the tears glossing over Harry’s green eyes as my own drew down my cheeks, I had never felt more loved. He made my goose bumps come to life, the hairs on the back of my neck rise. He was the lump in my throat and the tightness in my chest. He was everything that terrified me about love and yet the only one I wanted to love for the rest of my life.
“I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
but if it's true, it's you, it's you they add up to
I'm in love with you, and all your little things.”
The boys bowed and the crowd went wild as the five of them blew kisses in our direction. It was the greatest gift we could have ever asked for. When they came off stage I jumped on him, wrapping my body around his own, planting kisses across every inch of visible skin.
“Happy Valentines Day, you!” he said holding onto me and I melted fluidly into the embrace.
“I love you I love you! Harry you did it, your first tour! I’m so proud of you! I know how cliché this is but we have go to the Eifel tower!”
Harry and I ran hand in hand from the venue and jumped in a taxi.
“To the Eifel Tower!” he said to the cab driver and intertwined his fingers with mine as we sat in the backseat. The drive was short from the venue, spilling out of the cab hundreds of couples around us kissed under the tower, and Harry and I fully planned on being apart of that.
Approaching it with my arms wrapped around one of his.
“Isn’t it beautiful? There is no where else in the world I would rather be right now.”
Harry stopped in his tracks and held both my hands in his, looking down at me.
“Did you like the song?”
“I loved it Harry, I love you.”
“We all wanted you guys to know we love you, everything about you, every little thing – even the things you don’t like. I love your laugh even though you hate it, I love how cute you are when you’re mad, I love how you always end up on my side of the bed, or in my bed in general.” He let out a small laugh and I matched it.
“I love how thoughtful you are,” I said finally. “You notice everything, and you care so much, you mean everything to me. I love you.”
Our lips found each other’s in the pattern of those around us before Harry broke apart, pulling a small box out of his coat pocket.
“I thought the song was my gift!” his face lit up the way it always did when he knew he achieved a successful surprise.
“Happy Valentines Day, Charlotte Parker.”
I opened the box to find a ‘C’ engraved locket, on the back was an ‘H’. Inside were pictures identical to the one inside the locket draped around his neck.
“Remember for my birthday you gave me the infinity heart because you wanted me to be reminded everyday that our love was infinite?”
I nodded, a growing smile on my face.
“I wanted you to feel the same way I felt when you gave me this locket for Christmas. I have known you my entire life Charlie. You were just another beautiful memory from my childhood, and then you came back into my life, and look at us now. You were someone I’d always known now you have a starring role in my life. I wanted you to have the same locket so you could be reminded of that everyday.”
“Happy Valentines Day Harry.”
HARRY
I took Charlie to a romantic French restaurant with a beautiful view of the lit up tower and we ate a late dinner after the concert. We returned to the hotel where Charlie and I were sharing a room. I had not a single idea where the others were but tonight was all about Charlie and I. I swiped the key card and the door unlocked, instantly I kicked off my shoes and left my shirt and pants and a pile by the door, flopping onto the sofa. I was absolutely spent. It seemed that the second I sat down, the entirety of exhaustion that had built up over the last few weeks had come at me like a full force. I remembered that tonight was the last show of this tour and subconsciously retrieved a pen from the desk and picked up my pants from their abstract array on the floor, picking the carefully folded paper from my pocket and setting it down on the coffee table, striking black inked lines through ‘PARIS’.
I stared at the stained, wrinkly, ripped paper and smiled. We had finished our first tour as One Direction off the X Factor, and it was a huge success – greater than we even anticipated. Fans camped outside the venues and the airports just to see us, even when they didn’t have tickets to get in they were there. To think where we came from, five different guys just wanted to know if we were good, to being in Paris where we wrapped up the final show of out first ever tour – that was sold out by the way.
“Harry?” Charlie’s voice called from the bathroom and suddenly my smile faded. The end of this list meant more than a huge accomplishment, it led up to the eventual goodbye between us. I still didn’t know what we were doing next. We would probably get a week or two off before anything but our management has talked about Australia and even crazier, America.
“Harry would you come in here? I need help unbuttoning my dress.”
I sprung from the couch with a new source of energy, coming up behind her and placing my hands on her sides.
“What?” I mumbled.
She pulled her hair from behind her and held it, revealing the several tiny little buttons that went down her back, “help?”
One by one starting at the nape of her neck I slowly made my way down her back with the tedious buttons. When I got halfway the sleeves began to slip, and with her hair off her shoulders her neck and chest was bare. Magnetically I found my lips pressed to her neck and a small unexpected but pleasantly surprised gasp flew out her lips.
“H-Harry would you go a little faster on those… buttons?” her voice was dripping.
I fiddled with the buttons clumsily and at the last one the dress fell to the floor. Spinning her around I took her face in my hands and led it to my own, pulling her backwards out of the bathroom. Stepping over clothes and luggage that cluttered the floor, the back of my knees hit the bed and Charlie was on top of me. I dropped her face and grasped onto her hipbones, pulling her closer to me and holding onto the back of her thighs. I could feel goose bumps erupting across her skin under my touch, and the feeling made shivers dance up my spine. Her lips worked from my collarbone, up my neck before they brushed lightly against mine, soft like butterfly wings fluttering against ones skin.
“Harry, I love you so –“ my lips stole the end of her sentence as she fiddled with the waistband of my boxers. I ran my hands across the entirety of her body, as if all her secrets and everything I craved to know about her was spelled out in braille across her skin. I could feel her smiling into my kisses; I could see the lust in her eyes as she held contact when I hovered over her. The end of our tour in Paris on Valentines Day, it was romantic, it was passionate, it was celebratory, and more than anything it was love.
****
We collapsed next to each other, our chests rising and falling in sync, our hearts pumping against the skin of our chest. Midway through Charlie could tell how tired I was but how much I craved her all the same, so she took control. Tonight Charlie made me her own, loving me the way only she could. And when she rolled over and pressed her body against mine, pulling my arm over her body and filling the spaces between my fingers with her own, I knew that Charlie’s version of myself was my favorite. And in our sleep we were so close yet so far as we drifted into separate dreams, which only reminded me that the end is near. I don’t know where I’ll be a week from now, but I did know that Charlie needed to go back to school; she wasn’t always going to be in my bed at the end of the night. It was hard to wrap my head around, because I loved who I was when I was with Charlie. She made me a better version of myself. And when you’re around someone so much, for so long, they become apart of you… and when she goes away, I don’t know who I will be without her.