(Hi, before you read this I just wanted to give a warning that towards the end of this chapter there is mentions of su*icide. Tbh it's literally just dramatic lmao but seriously- if you're reading this here's a reminder that you're amazing and are deserving of happiness and life just like everyone else <3 )
"Hey! Kat!" I hear as I walk down the hall and turn around. Yamaguchi is running to catch up to me.
It was our first day back at school and I did exactly what I told Tsukishima I'd do. I finished our poem, and turned it in at the beginning of class. We haven't given each other so much as a glance today.
"Hi Yamaguchi." I say as he stops in front of me.
"Um, Tsukki went off to the gym already so I thought it'd be the perfect time to ask. Did something happen with you guys?" He asks. "I don't mean to be nosy! I'm just- I'm worried, you know? He hasn't eaten today and he's hardly said anything. And I noticed you guys didn't talk and you both have the same blank expression on your faces and it's weird and abnormal, especially for you." He rambles.
"We broke up." I say simply and his eyes widen.
"W-What? Why? He didn't tell me that..." Yamaguchi fiddles with his fingers.
"He thinks I cheated on him. And he didn't tell you because he doesn't even care himself." I adjust the strap of my school bag on my shoulder.
I really don't want to talk about this. It's tiring.
"Did you?" Yamaguchi asks, tilting his head.
"Did I what?" I ask and he bites his lip.
"Did you cheat on him?" At this, I narrow my eyes at the taller boy and he winces.
"Why the fuck would I cheat on him? What reason do I have to do that?" I scoff. "I can't believe the both of you think I would stoop that low." I grit my teeth and turn on my heels, walking away.
That's the first time I gave a direct answer, well, as direct as I'm going to get right now.
What is wrong with me? What's so wrong with me that everyone thinks I would do something like that? Do I look like I'd be that type of person? Is it the way I talk? I don't get it...
Maybe I should change myself.
"Katsumi-San." I hear and feel Yamaguchi's hand on my shoulder. I stop in my tracks, but don't turn around.
"I know you wouldn't. But I wanted to hear an honest answer from you. I'm sure Tsukki understands that too...deep down...maybe? But I think you guys just need to talk." Yamaguchi is Tsukishima's friend. Of course he's his best interest. "Tsukki isn't good with people. He never has been, you just need to give him time. He was really hot and cold with me too when we first became friends."
Why do I always have to adapt? Compromise? Who's on my side? Who do I have here? Why do I always have to give chances, but can never be given them? It's not fair.
"Tsukishima Kei is better off just being friends with you. He doesn't need me." I say, repeating the last sentence over and over in my head so I can memorize it.
He doesn't need me. He doesn't need me.
But I really need him. And I hate myself for it.
"That's not true. I'm his best friend- so I would know better than anyone. He's changed since he met you. He actually tries now. Tsukki isn't someone who would do something that he believes would be an inconvenience, or that he doesn't like." Yamaguchi's hand falls off of my shoulder as he walks around to stand in front of me now. "Tsukki really cares about you. He's a little messed up in the head, but he beats himself up every time he pushes you away." Yamaguchi chuckles slightly.
"I'm sorry Yamaguchi, but I don't really want to hear this right now. You're wrong. He doesn't care. He didn't even do as much as blink when I suggested that we break up. He didn't say a word when I told him he should go home. He just grabbed his things and left. The end." I roll my eyes. "So I appreciate you trying to defend him, but there's no need. I'm over it."
"No you're not. Look at you- you're not even acting like yourself-"
"Yamaguchi. Let's go, everyone is looking for you." I hear a voice come from behind me. I continue to look forward, not moving.
"Sorry, Tsukki." Yamaguchi gives a light, nervous chuckle.
"Come watch our game Katsumi-San. Okay? You haven't seen us play yet, at least see one of our games. What do you think, Tsukki?" Yamaguchi looks between us. I hear him start to walk away, no words spoken at all.
"That wasn't a 'no'. Let's go." Yamaguchi grabs my hand and starts to run off, catching up to Tsukishima.
"Y-Yamaguchi. Stop it, this isn't a good idea." I say, trying to get his hand off of me.
"It's just a game. You can sit in the stands by yourself. And plus, we don't know when we'll ever have a home game again! Right Tsukki?" Yamaguchi looks up at his best friend.
"Whatever." He responds.
"Just this once, watch Karasuno in action. Alright?" Yamaguchi turns back to me and I bite my lip.
"Okay." I reluctantly agree. We come up in front of the gym and Yamaguchi takes off.
"I've got to get changed!" He yells, disappearing into the club room.
Tsukishima and I are by ourselves now. Should I say something? I want to, but I know I shouldn't.
I don't want to stay in this situation forever though, it's just another burden. I'm still conflicted about everything, but I know in the future that I want to at least be on good terms with him.
"Good luck today. Do your best." I say quietly.
"Thanks." He says before I see his figure walking into the gym.
At least it wasn't something mean.
I enter the gym a few minutes later, and am able to get a seat in the front. I lean forward, resting my arms on the railing. There's a lot of people here, some wearing the school they're cheering for's colors, some holding signs. I've watched the boys practice, multiple times. I know they're good, but practicing with your team and actually playing a match against someone is totally different.
It soon starts, and I'm not disappointed. Seeing how intense and focused the boys get is insane. Kageyama and Hinata's quicks, Daichi's receives, Asahi and Tanaka's spikes, Nishinoya's inhumane digs, Yamaguchi's float serve, Tsukishima's blocks.
They're all so calculated, well thought out. I'm silent throughout the game, but I find myself portraying a small smile on my face the whole time.
Seeing this team in action...it really makes me want to play volleyball again. I want to grow too, and play in games again.
Seeing Tsukishima enjoy volleyball... also makes me want to play again.
Today was a good day for Karasuno. They won in two straight sets. As they line up to give their thanks to the crowd, I lock eyes with the blonde. I quickly look away though, putting my head down. As soon as they're done, I rush out of the gym.
I don't really want to go home. Adam and David also notified me this morning that they're going back to working with my parents, as everything has been fine lately. So I'm free to do whatever I want.
I hum to myself, thinking of where I should go.
I call a cab once I'm on the street and everything within the next half hour is a blur. All I know is that now I'm sitting here, on this cliff, overlooking the water.
I pull my knees up to my chest, staring at the endless amount of blue stretching out in front of me.
I suddenly scream as loud as I can, thinking that if I let it all out, I'll feel better. It kind of works. I look around for a moment, making sure nobody is nearby.
No one? I'll keep going then.
"I HATE HOW WEAK YOU ARE!" I might as well get all of my thoughts out right? "I WISH YOU WERE BACK IN AMERICA. I HATE YOUR HEIGHT. THE WAY YOU TALK, THE WAY YOU LOOK, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE WEAK." I yell at the top of my lungs, hot tears burning down my cheeks.
"I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I-" A sob comes out my throat and my body shakes as I cry. All the things that I've been wanting to say, are finally being said.
But how pathetic am I that I can't even say my own name when talking about myself? I slowly stand up, and remove my shoes. My socks, tie, and vest are next. I fold my vest, and neatly lay my items on top of it. I put my phone on it as well and lay my bag next to my things. I walk to the edge of the cliff, looking down.
I pull up the sleeves of my white school blouse and extend my arms out to my sides.
"AMATERASU KATSUMI-" I yell, my voice breaking. "nobody needs you." I close my eyes, letting myself fall forward.
I just want to feel something- anything. I'm tired of this empty feeling inside of me. Maybe the coldness of the water will help.
"No!" I hear another voice as soon as my feet leave the edge. My eyes fly open and I feel someone's body smack against mine.
Their arms wrap around me tightly, holding me to them. I look at the arms and I can't mistake them for anyone else's.
That idiot. What is he doing?
"I need you." I hear him whisper into my ear right before we hit the water.
It's a lot colder than I expected. I mean- a lot colder. Our bodies dive in deep and all I can see is darkness all around me, but the feeling of his arms are still tightly holding me.
I kick my legs and move my arms, trying to swim back up to the surface. I feel him do the same, but keeping one arm around my waist as if he's scared of letting go.
Once we reach the surface, we both desperately gasp for air. I continue to sway my legs in the water to keep me afloat.
Tsukishima roughly turns me around so I'm facing him. He looks worried but that expression quickly turns angry.
"What the fuck is your problem?!" Tsukishima shakes me by my shoulders. "What is wrong with you?" He yells, and it looks like tears are running down his face. But maybe it's just the water.
"How did you get here?" I ask, my eyes wide.
"Don't avoid the question you fucking idiot!" He gets angrier, continuing to yell. "Trying to kill yourself isn't the answer to the world's fucking problems." He shouts, pushing me away from him.
"K-Kill myself?" I ask, shocked. He breathes heavily, anger radiating off of him.
"That's what you were trying to do, right? You're so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" He smashes his fists into the water, splashing himself and me in the process. He's shaking, and I'm not sure if it's due to the coldness, or because he's so upset.
Did it seem like I was going to try to kill myself? I reflect on my shouting and folding of my clothes. Huh. Maybe it did come off like that.
"If you thought I was going to drown myself, then why did you jump?" I ask, splashing him. "You're the stupid one! Why the hell would you jump too?" I yell back at him, continuing to splash him.
"I panicked!" He turns to me, grabbing hold my my wrists so I can't splash him anymore. "I didn't think about it, I just fucking tried to grab you! I was scared out of my mind! It's your fault!" He yells in my face and I stare at him, eyes wide.
That's right. It's my fault. What if I really did almost kill myself? My body does kind of sting from hitting the water.
What if I had caused Tsukishima to kill himself too? An overwhelming amount of guilt flows throughout my body and I finally break.
I throw my hands around Tsukishima, starting to sob. He immediately wraps an arm tightly around me and starts to pull us back to land, kicking his legs and moving his free arm through the water. Once he's able to reach the floor he stands up, carrying me out.
Uncontrollable sobs escape my lips as he sits us down, holding me tightly to him. I feel his body start to shake too.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I manage to get out. The thought of Tsukishima dying because of me literally breaks me.
The fact that he thought I was trying to hurt myself and still jumped after me...what is wrong with him?
"Don't apologize." He says, his voice shaky.
"Y-You thought I was going to die! A-And you
j-jumped too. What if we did-"
"We didn't." He cuts me off, holding me tighter to him. "You're such an idiot." He whispers into my ear, and another sob escapes my mouth.
We sit there for god knows how long before I pull away and look at him.
"I don't know why I thought you were trying to kill yourself. It just- I heard what you were yelling and I watched as you put your stuff in a pile and I couldn't move. I couldn't say anything either. The thought that you were trying to remove yourself from the world...it scared me so much." He pulls me back to his chest and buries his head in my shoulder. "Especially because everything you said you hate about yourself is because of me, isn't it? I'm the one who made you hate yourself so much. I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." He sobs towards the end and I close my eyes, hugging him as tightly as my body will allow me too.
"I hate myself too. I make you cry, I tease you, I'm moody, I push you away from me when I realize that I let you in closer than I ever anticipated. I understand all of this and yet I can't change." Another sob leaves his body and I can feel my heart break. "There's something wrong with me. You were right, my mind won't allow me to be happy with you. Every time we are doing good this voice creeps up at the back of my head and tells me to ruin it. I keep listening to that voice. I don't know why. I don't."
"Tsukishima..." I whisper, burying my head in his shoulder as well. Before I can say anything else, another voice is calling our names.
"KEI! KATSUMI!" We both look up and see Akiteru running down towards us, holding towels and blankets.
"I sent my location when you were yelling and texted him to come. If we died, I didn't want our bodies to not be found." Tsukishima says, and I realize his lips are blue. His body is violently shaking as well.
How did I not notice this?
I lift my hand up and look at it, I'm the exact same way. My arm looks discolored too. As if on cue, my vision starts to get hazy and time seems like it's slowing down.
"Amaterasu? Hey, stay awake. Hey!" I feel Tsukishima shake me, but it kind of feels numb.
"I'm okay..." I manage to get out. "Just cold." I say before things go completely black.
Ugh, how embarrassing.