*♡ Ellie ♡*
Last night, a blizzard blanketed Faroaks and its surroundings. Since I couldn't sleep, I watched watched the world slowly disappear. It was a long, long night.
My fleece-lined winter boots leave deep footprints in the freshly fallen snow while I walk through the woods. The weather is clear now, but it's freezing, so I zip up my parka up a little more to keep the cold out. Even though the nature trail is close to town, it gives me the solitude I've been looking for.
Six days ago, Jonathan moved to San Francisco. I helped him pack, both of us sullen over my decline to come with him. I tried to sound resolute when I told him I couldn't join him but while I carried carton boxes to the van, I wondered how it would be to pack my own bags. How would it be to make a deliberate move instead of a panicked run? My parents would've had the chance to give me a proper hug. They'd appreciate that. I imagined the journey but in my mind, I always ended up in Los Angeles.
The path I usually follow isn't visible due to the snowfall. I know the way, though. A little further up ahead is a semi-open spot with a stream running through it.
In hopes of distracting my mind, I decided to give wildlife photography a shot. Though, wildlife in this region consists mostly of hares, squirrels and the occasional fox. Nothing too exciting. Admittedly, the variety of bird does excite me. I got a little obsessed with capturing them with my camera. Why? Because I'm a fruit cake.
The chickadees, sparrows and finches have proven to be excellent models. The busy woodpecker even more so. Today, though, I'm on the hunt for one special bird. It's been elusive ever since it caught my eye. Every time, just when I click the button, it flies away and disappears. It's maddening.
Where are you little friend? The stream is full of fishies so you must be close. I duck behind a bush and hide behind the cover of evergreen leaves. Come on, birdie, stop playing games and show yourself. Melted snow wets my knees while I wait and wait.
Any minute now ...
Yes!
The kingfisher lands on a low-hanging branch. I manage to keep my squeal behind closed lips and take picture after picture while it dives into the icy water. A moment later, it returns to its spot on the branch with a tiny fish in its beak. Drops of water coat its blue feathers, glistening in the rays of sun that creep through the canopied trees.
When it flies off again, I smile at the pictures I took. They're good, if I say so myself. Sharp and clear. The blue hue almost resembles the color of the tattoo I have on my wrist.
Just like that, my smile falls. What am I doing? Chasing birds in the dead of winter for the sole reason of feeling a little connected to Tex is not a life. It's insanity. I don't want to be in the woods all by my lonesome.
I glance around. Oh, darn it. How late is it? The days are short and I didn't keep an eye on the time. Sundown is on the rise, stealing light with every passing minute. I hurry back, exhaling misty clouds, but it all seems unfamiliar. Where is that funny-looking tree I used for orientation? I fish my phone from my pocket and open the navigation app ... no service.
Stupid new phone. It's been unreliable from the moment I bought it. Granted, I didn't do any research for the obvious reason that I was delirious. In hindsight, it wasn't a smart move to destroy my phone and cancel my number. I was just so shaken up with everything that went down in Los Angeles, I figured it would be best to eliminate all possibilities of reaching out to Tex.
Did he try to call me?
Guilt weighs heavy on my chest. Of course, he did. I left haphazardly and with sheer reckless abandon. Does he understand why? Was the note I wrote him clear enough? Doubt infects my reasoning. Maybe I made a mistake ... one of many.
My heart rate kicks up. I need to explain to him that it was all for the sake of his precious life. I need to call him. Even though I lost his number when I broke my phone, I can find out through Maggie. Yes, she can ask Frank. Tex feels so close all of a sudden. All I have to do is call my friend.
The plan causes adrenaline to shoot through my frozen limbs. With the sun no longer providing a hint of warmth, coldness has crept into my bones. Shivering and stumbling, I try to find my way back to the car. Twigs scratch my face, snow-covered rocks hurt my feet. It seems, I'm not on the path anymore.
Oh no ... I'm lost in the dark.
The irony doesn't escape me.
Snowflakes swirl around me like a sad ballet while I force my numb feet to keep moving. Why do all these trees look the same? What will happen if I never find my way back home?
To stop my mind from imagining a hypothermal death with awful frostbite wounds, I picture Tex waiting for me by the car. If that were true, I'd jump in his arms and press kisses all over his handsome face. His hair would have to endure some rough tugging and, well, since this is my fantasy, I'd make love to him so hot and heavy, the windows would get foggy.
I know it won't happen, but it provides me with enough warmth in my core to keep going. One step, two steps, three steps. Wait! Isn't that the log I sat on to tie my shoelaces? It's covered in snow, but the shelf fungus on the side is still visible.
Finally!
A frosty breath leaves my mouth when I spot the arrow-shapes sign pointing at the makeshift parking space. A short, stumbled run later, I'm inside the car.
As quick as my stiff fingers allow, I start the engine and turn the heater to full blast. The radio comes to live as well. The sappy tunes of some love balled fill the tiny space, making me feel a little less lonely. I un-glove my hands and hold them up in the stream of warm air.
"On a completely different note," the radio host begins, "the next song is basically an elaborate 'screw you' to anyone who did you one over. If you have bad feelings for your ex, listen to this new rage anthem called 'Flying High' by ... Dead Engines Running."
Sweet baby carrots!
My heart either stopped working or is beating so fast, I can't feel it. I've avoided every rock-related radio station out of fear of hearing him, but they've made it to this mainstream one.
I'm proud and incredibly worried. The announcement promises more heartache on my end. Surprisingly, the instrumental intro sounds cheerful. In my mind's eye, I see Axel, Joey and Tex rocking the stage while they play it. The happy vision fades as the chorus begins ...
I did not foresee,
You had me flying high.
I can not believe,
I wasted all this time.
This is my goodbye,
For fucking up my life.
Sweet dreams and good night,
'Cause I'll be doing fine.
This is the sign I've been waiting for. This is him saying he's done with me and moving on. The secret hope of a reunion I harbored deep within my soul withers and leaves me weeping like the saddest girl alive. Big tears roll down my cheeks while the voice I love so much sings words of resentment directed at me. I never knew the end would taste like vomit but that's probably because I'm sick to my stomach.
I deserve his scorn. How could I not? My love brought nothing good to his life. No, I brought death to his doorstep and let it nearly take him. My plan of calling of him was only to clear my own conscience of guilt. Selfish, again.
Still, I can't live like this. This frozen middle ground is killing me slowly. Since there's no way back, forward is the only way to go. It takes some real effort and a couple deep breaths for my cries to simmer but eventually, they do. Even soul-pain becomes manageable if you're exposed to a steady dosage on a daily basis.
I grab my phone—sighing gratefully for the returned service—and tap the green button. The dial tone rings twice.
"Ellie?"
"Hey, Jonathan." I swallow back a quiver. "Wouldyou still have me as your roommate?"
♡♡♡♡
A/N
I guess we're moving this story to the Wes-Coast 🤷🏻♀️😜
X Dionne