november 18, 2018
billie
vanity fair.
do you feel pressure?
i listen as they play a recording of me from a year ago answering. 'nah'
billie: yes
i break out into laughter, trying to not be serious with a question like this.
billie: yeah.
interviewer: explain
billie: it's the kind of pressure that's like it hits me and then i don't care. everybody drop dead right now and i didn't.. i would be left with what i had created for myself. and what the hell would the point be if i was just creating something that somebody else wanted me to create that i had no say in. and then that person died, and everybody else died and nobody mattered except me. i'm stuck with the shit i didn't want in the first place that's trash.
are you handling it well?
i chuckle to myself
billie: no i'm handling the pressure horribly but i just keep it to myself. all the time. except my wall i write everything on my wall so if you go in my room and look at my wall..
i suck in a deep breath.
billie: just- yeah.
do you have a boyfriend?
my heart skips a beat as they play the recording from last year. 'no. i don't like dating. at all i don't like the idea of oh this is my person and i only share time with this person nnonononono. noooo thank you!'
billie: nah, i do have a girlfriend thooooough
interviewer: really?
billie: mhm, she's over there
i smile widely while nodding over at maddie who was standing with my mom and finneas. the interview continues as we go through the recordings and answer the questions. my mom walks in and hugs me from behind then kisses my head and after all that fluffy shit we get ready to leave. i grab madison's hand and interlock our fingers
billie: ready to go mamas?
madison: mhmmmm
we go to my car and i drive us back to my place.
madison: bil?
billie: yo
madison: i want you to start opening up to me
billie: huh?
madison: you said you write everything on your wall. stop that and start talking to me whenever you need to
billie: thanks ma but i'm good-
madison: bil
billie: let it go. it ain't worth it.
we get home and get out of the car
madison
we walk inside and billie immediately screams.
billie: OH MY GOOOD DENZEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL
i find billie hugging a dude a little over her height, her arms around his neck and his hands gripping the top of her ass. i clench my jaw, just about ready to throw a punch at this guy. i let out my fakest yawn yet and billie looks at me
madison: i'm tired, i think i might head home
billie: but we just got back.. you can sleep in my room
madison: no i think i'd prefer mine instead
billie: then i'll drive you home
madison: it's literally half an hour from here, i'll be fine.
yeah. half an hour. billie did underestimate the '15 minute walk' because we tried that once. and when we got here she slept straight away.
billie: but ma-
madison: i'm tired billie
billie: okay.
she walks over to me and hugs me softly, her grip loose. a little too loose. i don't complain though but don't hug back.
billie: if you don't like him just lemme know
she whispers in my ear and i kiss her neck and she slightly flinches, making me pull away.
madison: i love you
billie: i'll call you
and i left. no 'i love you too' no kiss no nothing. except for the loosest hug in the world. something about her being around that denzel guy made her change. the afternoon was breezy and chill, a golden hour appearing among the horizon as i walked down streets, taking my sweet ass time. when i got home i got in bed and immediately fall asleep.
***
i wake up to buzzing and look at my phone. 4%. i plug it into my charger and then look at my notifications. 48 missed calls from babybil🥰. 96+ new messages from babybil🥰. babybil🥰 is typing...
facetime from babybil🥰
i hit the red button and put my face in my pillow. my phone buzzes again and i let it go off, before i start to get messages from her.
imessage
babybil🥰
babybil🥰: bro pick up
babybil🥰: don't pull this shit on me
babybil🥰: mamas if ur mad at me lemme kno so i can make it better don't ghost me
babybil🥰: pick up the ft
babybil🥰: ma :(
facetime from babybil🥰
i hit the green button and pull the camera up to my face, turning my lights to purple.
billie: are you done torturing me?
madison: i'm sorry i was asleep
billie: yeah and i was worried
madison: what do you want billie?
billie: are you okay by yourself tonight or do you want me to come back?
madison: why? what's wrong?
billie: i'm asking you. denzel's taking up the bed so i was gonna come back but i wanna know if you want me there or not
i could tell she wasn't in her room because the lights weren't red. whenever we ft or even if we're generally in there the lights are always red.
madison: i'm okay tonight
i see her face drop
billie: uh, yeah ok i'll be there tomorrow morning
madison: k
billie: goodni-
i hang up and throw my phone across the room, letting the messages come through. i was done for the night honestly.
november 19, 2018
i wake up, get dressed and go downstairs. just on time the door opens and billie walks through.
billie: hey mamas
she kisses me but i don't kiss back, instead pull her into the exact same loose ass hug like yesterday. when i pull back i walk into the kitchen, her following me.
billie: what the fuck was that?
madison: what the fuck was what?
billie: that kiss and hug. what the fuck?
madison: chill, that's how you hugged me yesterday. and i didn't even get a kiss or an 'i love you'. it's like you forgot we were together for a sit second
she looked disappointed. i don't know wether she was disappointed in me or herself. but that was the expression i read.
billie: i'm sorry about that baby. can we just forget it?
she walks over to me and pulls me into a hug from behind then kisses my shoulder
billie: i love you
we stand there in silence as she kisses my shoulder every now and then, swaying us back and forth gently.
billie: forgive me?
madison: yeah
billie: yay. i'll be playing on the xbox if you need me
she walks in to the livingroom as i call postmates. i sit next to her and watch as she plays grand theft auto. i lie down and rest my head in her lap and she immediately moves her arms and sits up, giving me permission as she continues playing. our food gets here and i sit with next to billie as i watch her demolish every mission one at a time. i get bored after a while and take my shirt off then sit in her lap, my legs wrapped around her waist.
billie: not now baby
she glances at my boobs then back at the tv and i begin rolling my hips, grinding into her.
billie: babe
madison: billie
i whine, desperate for her to touch. she puts the controller down and grabs my waist then pushes me next to her.
billie: i said not now
she looks at me for a good minute before saving her game and turning off the tv then walking into the kitchen with the food. i groan and fall onto the couch
madison: you're so mean
billie: i know
madison: why do you tease
billie: who said i was teasing? i just don't want sex
i sit up and start clapping and she rolls her eyes while i laugh.
billie: shut the fuck up
madison: damn why don't you want sex for the first time in forever?
billie: why do you want sex?
madison: i asked first
billie: cause i just don't. jesus
she sits next to me and i start to play with her hair.
madison: you're being boring
billie: bro i'm just not up for it let the fucking thing slide
madison: chill
billie: you chill
madison: i'm chill
billie: and desperate
i look at her and she laughs.
billie: ight fine you want sex?
she picks me up and carries me to my room, laying me on the bed. she leaves kisses on my neck then her tongue trails from the hickies up to my ear.
billie: i'm gonna keep going until you beg me to stop
-----
tenks 🥰
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