A million thoughts were running through my head, but in the pace that made none of them stick for me to process, giving me that hollow feeling. Not being sober didn't help with that. I was trying to look for my phone but I could barely concentrate on it. The panic had caused us both to start fumbling with the nearest thing and create space between us. My first thought was to turn off the music still blasting. Why I thought it was such a great idea, I didn't know. If I thought it was awkward trying not to be awkward after the kiss in front of all our friends who were walking towards us, the silence that settled only made it worse.
"What are you doing Sugar?" Grimmy exclaimed, disappointed. He was the first one to reach the kitchen island and stood opposite aside from me and Harry. I haven't dared to look at Harry. I was afraid that if I did I would become transparent, and the rest of the group would see through me.
"I'm going to bed." I explained. If Grimmy was disappointed before, the look on his face made his last comment become nothing. I would have loved to stayed up with them, but with my fear of having the words 'I kissed Harry' written on my forehead for everyone to read it by my lack of acting in this state, I figured it was best that I deviated.
With the complaints following I still didn't budge. Instead, I kindly comforted their drunk and dramatic asses with the fact that we would see each other for breakfast in a couple of hours.
While backing up towards the stairs, still playfully arguing with the rest of the group I felt a pair of eyes search mine. Yet, I couldn't for the life of me find the courage to meet them. They were digging holes, burning me with intensity. I was afraid of what they would say, and I wasn't sure yet what mine would reveal.
Hands on my stomach over the covers, I laid in bed and watched the ceiling, trying to spell out my thoughts on the white canvas of it. The only one that came out clear enough was- what the hell were we thinking? Of course this was a drunken mistake. Still, the flutters in my stomach surprised me every time I thought back to it. Stop Bianca. For the same exact reason I tried to forbid myself from taking my thoughts back to that place, that moment. It only was a moment, we had been too caught up in a drunken moment to think clearly. But still, what the hell were we thinking? I placed a hand over my eyes, cringing at the thought. But the darkness behind the hand played the film of Harry leaning into my lips. I sighed, slamming the hand back on top of the other on my stomach. That was the reason I had not been able to fall asleep for the last twenty minutes, even if I had tried. The sound of the rest laughing and playing music downstairs didn't really help as well.
A new sound caught my attention when I heard a pair of feet lightly walking in the hallway outside my door. As if I could see them I turned my head to face the door instead of the ceiling. The light seeping in under it from outside my room left a shadow at the bottom of it, standing between me and Harry's room. Silence followed the pausing of steps, and the shadow stood still for a second. I held my breath, waiting for something that never came. Instead, the shadow disappeared to the sound of the other door opening.
This was our last complete day in L.A together. And for that, the group had since a couple of days back planned a day at the beach in Malibu. That had been the main topic for most of the breakfast. When I stepped down the stairs this morning for breakfast, Harry was already sitting by the table accompanied by Adam, Mitch and Clare.
I walked up to them and pulled out the chair next to Mitch who had Harry sitting across from him.
"Morning." I spoke softly, trying not to disturb their conversation. The night's thinking had made me come to one conclusion- this doesn't have to change anything, you don't want it to change anything, so don't let it- act normal. Apparently, this surprised Harry. He looked up at me, first off being surprised that I even spoke, but what made his eyes grow big was the fact that I didn't flinch when they met mine. I gave him a sweet smile, trying to assure him that I was fine, we were fine.
"Morning..." He answered, his eyes flicking between mine. This was not what he had expected from me, that was clear from his expression. But what surprised me was the absence of relief on his face.
Now me, Clare, Grimmy and Harry shared a car, driving behind the car with Sarah, Mitch and Adam. We had let the boys sit in the backseat while Clare drove and my road trip playlist was on shuffle. Harry had dropped his confused look from breakfast and was acting normal. Or well- the most normal we could without actually still having talked to each other directly yet. We did it smoothly though, Clare and Grimmy had yet to notice.
Through Clare's anecdote the song 'Kiss Me' by Sixpence None The Richer caught my attention. Already in its first chorus Grimmy hummed the words behind me while listening to Clare.
"Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand"
I panicked to the lyrics Grimmy was humming, and the smoothness from before was all gone.
"Oh, let's change the song. I have a better o-" I tried to suggest, and in my head play it off cool.
"Are you nuts? If it's something that you should do it is to turn it up!" Grimmy protested, leaning over my shoulder and between me and Clare to raise the volume. It was a great song, if it weren't for last night I would have wanted to turn it up as well. However, right now all I wanted was to sink through this car seat. Clare even paused her anecdote to agree with Grimmy and thankfully the both of them talked over the last part of the chorus, leaving Harry confused. That didn't stop them from singing out the words in the next one.
"Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me"
I could feel the awkward tension between me and Harry building up again, since we were the only ones not belting out the song. My stupid action had caused him to connect the dots as well. It was just typical that this was the specific song my shuffled playlist found appropriate for this car ride. First the ironic song last night, and now this... I really needed to stop shuffling songs since my Spotify was being cruel to me nowadays.
We both tried to be lowkey about it, not pulling any attention to us being two complete weirdos. My focus had disappeared out the window, following the palm trees. Last night didn't seem that easy to escape as I had hoped. Luckily, Clare and Grimmy were happy just singing together that they didn't sense the tension, or me and Harry being quiet. But I swear, a song has never felt that long in my life...
Aside from that incident in the car, we had managed to act normal so far. For a moment I could even look at Harry without automatically going back to the way his hands so intently had grabbed my waist, and almost felt his finger digging in my skin again. Seeing him in nothing but bathing shorts for this whole day didn't give me the best of odds, but for a brief moment I succeeded.
Back at the house, everyone being fully dressed again, I sat by the kitchen island with Sarah and Clare, drinking wine while waiting for the stew we had cooked up to be ready.
My phone started ringing mid conversation, and it was Lea calling. I excused myself and took my phone to go outside.
"Hello?" I greeted her. No one has called me since I came to L.A. Only a few texts here and there. "Are you okay?" I added quickly as I started to paint the worst case scenarios in my head. I had just passed the pool and sat down by the fire-pit.
"Oh- sorry! Didn't mean to scare you..." She realised by my immediate question, "I'm fine." She reassured me and a sigh of relief left my lips.
"So what's up?" I asked, now being more cheerful and getting comfy on the sofa.
"I just wanted to-" She began, but my head went somewhere else when I saw Harry stepping out the glass door, look at me and then turn back to go inside. If he was avoiding me, or wanted to catch me for a chat, I was unsure of.
"Hello?" My sister asked me from the other line, clearly catching me not paying attention.
"Sorry Lea, take that again." I said while shaking the previous thought out of my head. Lea began again, and this time I made sure to listen carefully. We only spent like 10 minutes on the phone, since it wasn't too important, but too long to take over text. When I went back inside Sarah and Clare was still sat next to the kitchen island.
"Who was that?" Clare asked, filling my now empty glass of wine.
"My little sister, Lea." I explained while reaching for my stool again to sit.
"Harry was here looking for you." Sarah informed, before continuing "he saw that you were still on the phone so he went back upstairs to the other living room with the boys." She reached her glass up to her lips, taking a sip.
"Okay, I'll go find him." I tried sounding as nonchalant as I could. If I would have not gone looking for Harry they would have been suspicious, so I had no other choice than to talk to him now. I took my now filled glass of red wine and headed for the stairs.
"Dinner's in 10!" Sarah shouted after me. To confirm that I heard I hummed, being busy taking a few too many sips midway the stairs to calm my nerves.
When I arrived upstairs I saw the guys sitting around in the smaller living room, looking at something on the TV. I rounded the sofa and sat down close next to Harry. This could be weird if we wanted it to be weird, and I definitely didn't want it to be. What I wanted even more was for Harry to realise that I didn't want it to be weird and that we should just go back to being us. If I were to grab him away in front of the boys, that'd be weird. To talk quietly about it in front of them would also be weird.
Something that I had learned while studying rhetoric at uni, was that everything about being good at it was reliant on the situation, and therefore time and space. Kairos was the term for it, the specific and critical moment to express themselves with the right words at the right time. It's all about the moment, and the proper, optimal or critical moment. You know the feeling of wanting to say something, and then the moment to say it passes by and it doesn't feel right to say it anymore? Yeah, that's kairos.
The moment and opportunity for talking was gone, slipped away. If there would ever come one again, I didn't know. Something else I didn't know was if we actually needed talking. We would both save us the awkwardness of talking about it if we just skipped it and moved past it, continuing like the friends we are.
"Hi." I smiled at Harry when he noticed that I had sat down next to him.
"Hi." He almost stuttered, being surprised by us two having started our own conversation. I knew if we were ever going to get past this, we couldn't make a big deal out of it, or take ourselves too seriously. With fake confidence I kept his gaze. Last time they were this close I had tasted his perfect pink lips against mine. I shook the thought out of my head when I realised he was waiting for my next move.
"I hope you like stew, dinner's ready in 10." I began, "and if you don't, too bad." I teased. And with that I opened the door to us simply being just friends again.
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Sooo....the aftermath. What do we think?
Keep sharing your thoughts with me through comments or messages, always makes me really happy!
*Virtual hug* /R