Mauw. Here we go again. I really like writing in this story and I hope you continue to support it with comments and votes like you have been all along.
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Long after Alexander left I remained standing in the middle of my chambers, shell-shoked into silence as a million different thought crossed my mind. I was unaware of anything but the ice-cold realization that I had messed up. Truly, deeply, fucked up.
Severus.
What could I say to him? Was there anything I could do to fix this? Anything I could do to make it right?.... and even then, what was there to apologize for? He didn't have any claim on me. He didn't own me. He seemed unable to cope with my affections. Unable to to deal with the fact that he was still carrying a torch for a woman who had gone off and married his arch-enemy decades ago. Who, by the way, was long gone. How could I apologize for doing something like this? I was only trying to dull the pain. To take away the continuous strain of agonizing thoughts related to Severus and how I couldn't have him.
Alexander had left me with an apology and the briefest brush of his lips against my own. It was a gentle kiss, a tender one, which expressed his emotions to a tee. By now he was probably with Arman, arranging the alliance. By morning Severus and I could return to Hogwarts and pretend nothing of this had ever happened. Well, I assumed that was Severus's plan of action. I mean, that's what he usualy did when he got mad. Pretend the cause of his problems didn't exist. WHich would mean we'd end up ignoring eachother again.
That thought hurt. A pang of sadness twitched inside my chest at the thought of the cold look in those onyx eyes. Could I handle that? Could I bear with the thought of causing him even more anger and hurt?
No.
I couldn't.
That thought was like an epyphany-a sick one, I might add. After all, I was standing there, in the middle of the room, my hair a mess and my closthes disheveled from my little make out session with Alexander. The punctre wounds at the base of my throat an acute reminder of what I had done. And here I was, having an epyphany relating to Severus Snape's feelings.
Great.
Just amazing.
My hand subcounciously rose to gently touch the red blotches that speckled my fair skin. The tips of my fingers came away red, dired-up blood coming off in tiny little pieces.
Fuck it, I thought, Damn it all to hell!
Which was the last thought I usually had before making most decisions.
And with that thought I headed out the door and crossed the hallway in a few angry strides, raising my now balled fist to bang on the door of Severus's room.
No anwer.
The insitent knocking didn't seem to have any effect, and I only got angrier at that. Who did he think he was, ignoring me like that?! After barging into what could be considered an extremely private moment between me and Alexander?! How dare he?!
Now my anger had risen to a dangerous level, and with a snarl I let all that pent-up anger and frustration go, pressing my palms against the heavy wooden surface of the door. The double doors flew open, nearly blown off their hinges, and I stormed inside Severus' bedroom, ready to give him a piece of my mind.
He was standing in the middle of the room, facing me, and angry scowl etched deeply into his features. His hands were balled into fists, and if the glare he was shooting me was any indication, this might have been a bad idea.
Just a little.
"Aurora....get the fuck out of my room!" he barked, angrily pointing to the doors, which was now slightly ajar, the left side panel hanging slightly to one side, it's hinge ripped off at the splintered wood of the doorframe.
"No" I answered, not quite understadning why I was doing this myself.
"I'm only going to say this once" Severus breathed, his deep baritone reverberating through me and sending tingles skittering down my spine"Get. Out....Now"
I shook my head defiantly, cursing inwardly at my own foolishness. Why on earth was I doing this? Why would I challenge him like that?
Seeing a vein pulse dangerously at his temple I wondered for the briefest second if I had gone too far. His hands clenched and unclenched, and as his fist baller I could see the white of his knuckles. I wasn't afraid he'd hurt me. No, I was afraid of what he'd say. Why his words affected me so much was beyond me, but right now something inside me craved to make him ubderstand. To put his mind at ease and somehow readon with him about this whole situation.
Seveus seemed to be battling himself, fighting to control his temper. Breathing in deeply the lines in his face deepened, the murderous glare he was sending me only adding to my initial discomfort.
"Aurora, why don't you go back to that blood-sucking boyfriend of yours and leave me the hell alone?!" he hissed angrily, hands baller tightly into fists.
"You obviously went to my room with the intention of telling me something" I lied, trying to sounds convincing while I knew that all this was was a pathetic attempt to keep him talking "I want to know what that was"
"And obviously I interrupted something I shoulde never have seen. Now Leave!" Severus brought out through gritted teeth.
Somehow I sensed I needed to back off a bit, that this wasn't going to work the way I intended to. The overwhelming feeling of loss enveloped me, and I wondered if I would ever be cabpable of being around Severus without feeling guilty.
I turned around ever so slightly, my body yielding to the need to be away from that hateful gaze, those eyes filled with disgust.
"How could you, Aurora?!" the question threw me off guard, and my eyes rose to meet his. He was looking at me with such contempt that I flinched visibly, unable to form a coherent answer "How could you fall so low as to let that-that monster-feed from you?! Like some ordinary blood-whore?!"
I swallowed.
"Let me guess.... he agreed? In exchange for your...-participation in that disgusting act- he´s arranging the alliance-?" his words were like knives, plunging into my chest at every uttered word. Shrinking away from the contempt in his eyes I shook my head, interrupting him.
"No...." I whispered, my voice breaking on a heavy sigh as I cut him off.
That stopped him dead in his tracks.
"Excuse me?" he breathed, and as I peeked at him from under my eyelashes I saw him look at me insuprise, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"-I mean, I did offer" I said, an edge of desperation to my voice as I confessed what I had been willing to do to guarantee us the alliance "I offered to let Alexander feed from me in exchange of the alliance. He refused"
Severus snorted, the look of disbelief clear on his face as he glowered at me.
"He-instead he wanted me to give him a chance" I finished weakly, casting my eyes downwards, afraid of what I might see in those black eyes.
"A chance? A chance to what exactly?" Severus´ voice was dangerously low now, and I felt rather than saw him approach me as I tried to find the right words.
"A chance to be with me...." I whispered brokenly.
Silence.
That´s what settled over us as I saw him pale visibly, his eyes searching my face for something, any indication that I was lying.
"You mean....as in a relationship?" Severus sounded so confuesd, like a little kid trying to understand things older people talked about. As if what I was saying didn´t make any sense. And, perhaps, in his mind, they didn´t.
A silent nod was all I could muster.
"You-you are attracted to that blood-sucking, arrogant monster?" Severus gritted, clearly thinking I was out of my fucking mind.
"Why is it any of your fucking buisness who I find myself attracted to?!" I snarled at him, my fits clenching and my body shaking with the pent-up anger.
Severus passed a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated.
"You´re truly pathetic Aurora, if you think I give a damn who you care about" he brought out as he took another step in my direction "I was just...suprised at how desperate you must be, choosing to become a common blood-whore to a vampire like Alexander"
"I´m not desperate!" I hissed "And you know nothing about Alexander"
His proximity was becoming slightly too close for my comfort, and I felt my breath starting to accelerate. I tried to calm myself down, refusing to show Severus how much he affected me by nearly being close to me.
"Oh really? He´s vampire royalty, which makes him a lot older than you, Aruora. He was bred to lead, and his reputation preceeds him. He´s ruthless, Aurora. Men like him don´t care about women except for getting what they want. He´s using you, Aurora, can´t you see?" Severus now sounded almost pleading, and that was more shocking than anything else.
"That´s not true, Severus" I said with determination. But who was I trying to convince? Him or me? I truly didn´t know "Alexander really cares about me. He thinks of us as equals. He really does..."
"If you truly believe that, you´re even more stupid than I thought Aurora" Severus said, his voice dripping with disdain "How can someone with your life experience trust someone so obviously dark and ruthless?"
Something in his voice told me that maybe, just maybe, he wasn´t soley talking about Alexander anymore. And the smallest part of me wondered what that meant.
"I trusted you, didn´t I?" I whispered brokenly, my eyes rising to meet his, the supplication clear in my voice. Why I said that, I didn´t know. But I couldn´t seem to help myself.
He stilled.
"Well that was a mistake" He said, the finality to his voice cutting me like a knife "Just like it was a mistake for me to ivolve myself in matters concerning you"
That stung. My mind subconciously realized that he had said-not in so many words, but still-that he had gotten involved with me. Which, of course, in a way, he had. And that, apparently, he regretted doing so.
"Maybe you should have realized that before you saved my life last year" I said softly "Maybe you should have just let me die"
I didn´t mean it to sound so mean. I really didn´t. It was just that I couldn´t help from making a comment that I knew would rub him the wrong way. I knew Severus, and I also knew that when he had saved my life he had meant it. It had been a subconcious fear of mine that he ghad actually done it out of obligation, but I had come to realize that that probably wasn´t the case. He was my soulmate, after all. His feelings for me might have been nothing more than lust and attractionat the time, but maybe it was something else entirely. Besides, I didn´t think that Severus was the kind of guy to just let someone die while he stood by watching....doing nothing.
It seemed I was right.
His expression somehow softened, the harsh look on his face turning into one of annoyment.
"You know that´s not what I meant" he said angrily, his hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"Sorry for trusting you" I said angrily "My mistake, not yours"
And with those words I was about to turn around and leave, but in order to do so I had to brush past Severus´ imposing frame.
"That´s right, walk away. You seem to be extremely good at that!" Severus said sharply, the taunting edge to his voice not lost on me as I froze in my spot.
"Don´t you dare accuse me of walking away!" I snarled at him, pushing him away with my hand pressed flatly against his chest "You´re the one that wanted me gone! Besides, it´s you that always leaves! Always!"
He was nearly impossibly close now, not budging at my weak attempt to get away from him. This was what I had come for, after all, right? To confront him? To try and fix this?Well maybe all I was good at was at making things worse.
Suddenly he was pressing forward, causing me to step backwards until my back hit the wall. My hand was still pressing against the hard plains of his torso. His head dipped down, until his hot breath caressed the sensitive shell of my ear, forcing me to bite back a moan.
"You want to know why I wen to your room tonight?" he hissed, his breath caressing the side of my face and causing a wave of heat to roll through me inadvertendly "To tell you you did great. That Armand would be a fool not to accept your offer, and that I would back you up when the time came to face your father and Dumbledore....."
His words hit a chord inside of me, causing a jab of revulsion to run through me like a wave. What had I done? How low had I sunken? Had I really been about to offer my body to a vampire in order to get this alliance?
But I had. Not because of my father, or the High Council, or even Dumbledore. I had offered Alexander my blood willingly, out of my own free will.
"And instead I walked in on you offering your body to that blood-sucking bastard. Au contraire, instead of what I thought to be a motivated driven young woman, I found a desperate little girl willing to whore herself out and become the lover of some arrogant asshole that drains people dry on a daily basis" Severus spat out angrily, his eyes now boring into mine with a ferocity that made me weak in the knees.
With him standing so close all I wanted was to close the distance between us. I wanted him to touch me, to caress me, to kiss me like I desperately wanted him to kiss me.
But you can't, my subconcious supplied, you are with Alexander now. you promised you'd give him a fair chance...
But could I really? Could I go through with this relationship with Alexander, knowing that my heart belonged to someone else? Was it possible for me to actually compartamentalize my emotions and give this thing with Alexander a shot?
"I let Alexander feed from me because I wanted to. Because I wanted him" I said with a glare in Severus' direction "What I do with Alexander behind closed doors isn't any of your fucking buisness, Severus. And it most certainly doesn't entitle you to say those things"
"And why, pray tell, am I not entitled to your own opinion?" Severus said sarcastically.
"Because you don't own me, Severus. You have no claim whatsoever over me, despite what you may think" I replied tersely "You knew what you were getting into the moment you saw me. I am who I am, and you...you're drawn to me"
"Don't mistake lust for feelings, Aurora, for you will be sorely disappointed" Severus said, his voice dangerously low "Just because my body reacts to yours doesn't mean I give a rat's ass aboutd your petty emotions and pathetic feelings...understood?"
"You are entitled to your opinion as I am to my own" I said, feeling hot tears burning behind my eyelids but refusing to give him the satisfaction of Severus seeing me cry "And I could agree with you, but then, we'd both be wrong"
"Enough!" Severus bellowed, slamming his hand against the wall behind me "Stop seeing things were there are none! I don't want you, you understand?!"
"And I'm not competing with some dead woman's ghost!" I yelled back at him.
We both froze.
After a long silence Severus was still looking at me intensely, and I was desperately trying to keep the faintest resemblance of composure after blurting out something I had promised myself to never ever say out loud.
"Look, Aurora....... This needs to stop" he finally said, his voice low and infinitely more gentle than I ever thought possible "Even though i don't even know what this is..."
And he was right. We couldn't keep this up forever. The continuous arguments, the eternal fighting....it was just too much. Maybe I should just give up. Call it quits and renounce any further hope on having a chance to be with Severus. But could I really let that happen?
I was too tired to try and find out.
"I do" I breathed, a sad smile curving my lips upwards ever so slightly "But I'm afraid that by the time you figure it out it will be too late...."
And with those words I brushed past Severus and walked out the room.
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Well there you go. The next chapter. Please comment and vote. I really appreciate all the support this story has been getting, and I apologize for the tardiness in which I update. i'm following this online study and have to actually work entire days now, so updating will be slow.
Mauw.
Sam out.