TW // Some scenes may be too detailed for those who have anxiety, if you start feeling uncomfortable, please prioritize your well-being and stop reading.
Ki-Ryeong opened his eyes the same moment a gust of cold wind touched his bare arms. A frown masked his face when the sight of a familiar low-rise building across the road greeted his eyes. He remembered this commercial area is located a few blocks away his apartment complex. He could actually see the shadow of the structure from afar, beyond the falling snow.
Wait, snow?
He instantly looked down and was filled with more confusion when he found himself only wearing a plain white tee shirt and a pair of black sweatpants. Worse, he was barefoot, but he felt nothing. With the icy pavement under his feet and the snow continuously falling and touching his exposed skin, he felt none of the cold.
"What..." he breathlessly whispered.
What's this? Why am I here?
His thoughts were interrupted by voices, and he automatically whirled around. It is only then he realized that he wasn't alone on the sidewalk. There are still a few people passing by; some wearing uniforms, looking like they are about to head home from work, and some seem to be coming from a fun night-out with friends.
The prior voices he heard are from the workers of the confectionery shop meters away from where he stood. They are closing the shop, and are laughing about something the only guy among them said.
He unconsciously watched the three, his mind in a complete mess that he wasn't able to think straight anymore. He only got his senses back when one of the girls suddenly looked up and caught his eyes. He flinched and absentmindedly took a step back, remembering that his face is exposed.
Fuck, she's gonna recognize me!
He was about to turn around when the girl beat him to it. What shocked him more was the fact that her face didn't even show any reaction, like... she didn't even see him at all.
"Please stop," Kio closed his eyes, his hands clenching into fists as he finally understood what was happening. "Not this again..."
Unlike the other times, he is aware this time that where he is right now is yet another twisted nightmare of his. But similar to the previous ones, he still has no clue what's going to happen next. These dreams had been tormenting him the past month. It usually starts with the recollections of his happy moments with Lilac, but would end with her... with her dying.
"Please, I can't do this anymore," he begged, tears welling up his eyes as he desperately looked around, trying to remember the time he spent with Lilac in that particular place. He came up with nothing and his fear worsened.
Did they ever go on a date somewhere near this area? This is near his place, maybe they spent some time together in disguise? Why can't he remember?
"Oh my God!"
Time seems to slow down as a loud collision resounded throughout the entire street. The ground vibrated, followed by sounds of screeching tires and breaking glass. One of the cars hit the shed at the corner of the road while the other—the one which received the most impact—rolled away and stopped, roof down, before his very eyes.
He froze, his heart beating erratically inside his now-aching chest.
"Holy shit! It's Lilac! K4RMA's Lilac!"
His head snapped towards the direction of the voice and found the same girl earlier, standing on the other side of the turned-over car.
"No," he choked out, running towards the other side and abruptly stopping a feet away once he saw her. "No! God no, please no." His legs gave out, and without minding the shards of broken glass scattered around, he knelt and crawled closer to her as he clutched his chest.
Half of Lilac's body laid out the car's broken window, her face looking up the night sky, brown hair creating a halo around her head, and flakes of white snow dusting her pale skin and bloody clothes.
Ki-Ryeong feels like he is being suffocated, he couldn't utter another word, everything just come out as sobs. This is his worst nightmare. Why? Because it isn't even a nightmare afterall—this one is real. It happened.
"Kio..."
He stilled, lips parted in shock as the girl slowly blinked her eyes open and gazed at him.
"Li," he breathed out, a tinge of relief calming him down a bit. Maybe I could change the ending? Maybe I could do something this time?
"You're going to be fine, baby. Hang in there, I'm gonna save you okay?" He hurriedly checked his pockets for his phone, only to find them empty. He was about to ask the three figures standing near him, but he suddenly felt a cold hand holding his wrist.
Kio looked back at Lilac and was greeted by her empty eyes. His stomach dropped.
"You wanted this, don't you?," her cold voice pierced through his heart. "You wanted me to disappear from your life, remember?"
"L-lila—"
"Are you happy now?"
"No! What are you saying? Please stop—"
"You said you won't leave me," she cried out in a pained voice, a trickle of red liquid lined the side of her temple down her chin. "But now I'm alone... I'm going to die alone. You left me."
"No, no please," he whimpered. "I'm sorry—"
"I'm scared. I'm going to die, and you don't love me anymore. Why, Ki-Ryeong, why?"
"No, I love you... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's my fault—"
"Kio, hey! Wake up!"
He woke up trying to catch his breath, his throat burning and chest in pain. Real tears roll down his cheeks, and his back is damp with sweat.
"Hei-won," he called out breathlessly as he sat up.
The latter immediately sat down the edge of the bed and pulled the youngest in a tight hug. Kio buried his face on his brother's shoulder as he cried even harder. The older guy stayed silent, just patting his back comfortingly, no questions asked.
But he knew his time is up. Any minute now, Hei-won will finally ask, and he has already ran out of ways and alibis to escape their scrutiny.
"They're starting to ask," Hei-won said, as expected. He released him and leaned away so they could face each other properly. "You've been like this for a whole month and they're starting to worry. Haneul was about to call your brother last night, good thing I stopped him."
He doesn't know how Hei did it, but the guy actually prevented the others from asking and demanding an explanation from him for more than a month.
In normal days, the others would've disagreed on prolonging this type of situation—especially their leader—and ask him lots of questions already. Whatever Hei said to them was effective for quite some time, but they've reached their limit.
He thought he will be able to do this alone as long as he kept himself away from Lilac, but ever since that drunk call, he just ended up fucking things up again. His past demons started to haunt him. Even though he travelled into a whole new universe, they are like extra baggage that will keep on weighing him down.
Though he never expected that someone will actually stay by his side despite his constant refusal of giving an explanation. He never said anything to Hei-won, but to his surprise, the guy suddenly told him words he never knew he needed.
"Don't mind us and let it all out. Whatever it is that you're going through right now, be honest with yourself and get through it first. Then we'll talk."
And so, he drowned himself in heartbreak and loss. He faced the fact that even though he was brought into this world where she is still alive, he still can't fool himself into believing that she's the same Lilac. His mind is still in a state where he keeps separating his world's Lilac and this world's Lilac.
This is just a waste of time. I can never do it, I shouldn't have accepted that man's offer. Maybe there's another person who needs this more and will be able to adjust in this world better than me.
"Is it something that you really can't tell us?," Hei asked once again.
He looked up, "I..."
"You know, you've been calling out someone's name in your sleep." This made him swallow hard, as he watched his companion furrow his eyebrows in deep contemplation. "It was Lilac. You sounded so... wrecked."
Kio bowed his head and covered his face with both his hands, not knowing what else he could do and say.
"And do you know who took care of you last night?," Hei-won paused, "the same girl you're pleading for. Everything just doesn't add up, Ki-Ryeong. What's stopping you from telling us?"
"You won't be able to believe me." And I hate to feel that way again—no one believing in me.
Hei-won took a deep breath and wetted his lips as he absentmindedly played with the wristwatch he's wearing. "There are so many things in this world that we find hard to believe, but we end up believing as time goes by. Maybe I'm one of those people who won't take that long before believing in you. Tell me now, give me time to process it and I promise either way, I will help you."
He looked straight into his brother's eyes and saw sincerity in it. This is not new to him. Other people may see this side of Lee Hei-won as unusual, but for him and the other members, this is just the typical him. This is the real him, rather. The optimistic and boisterous Lee Hei-won was just someone created by the media's portrayal and the fans' expectations. Though it isn't something the guy didn't want, he is actually happy to be everyone's source of motivation and comfort.
"I had a long dream," Kio eventually decided to tell his story, but in a different context. "I was deeply in love with her... Lilac. We were together for a long time, but I cheated and she- she died because of me. It felt real. No, it's real. I know it's real."
There was a moment of tense silence, before Hei stood up and paced near the foot of his bed. "A dream... but it felt real," the guy frowned. "What do you mean by that? Is it real in a way that it's a memory instead of a dream, or some kind of... prophecy, prediction thing that's about to happen? I always see those on Tiktok, you know? Those manifestation videos..."
Kio felt a bit surprised. Is he really pondering over this? He's not going to laugh at me, or look at me like I've gone insane?
"But we can actually consider it as both, don't you think so?," Hei-won suddenly halted, looking back at him. "It might be a memory from your past life, and you keep dreaming about as a warning. It's telling you that it might happen again in the near future." Goosebumps covered his arms as the older guy's calculative gaze caught his anxious one. Hei suddenly smirked, looking proud of himself. "That always happens on dramas, right? Whoa, so it could actually happen in real life?"
Of course, dramas. How can he forget that this guy is obsessed with Netflix. From another person's perspective, it's inevitable to just come up with this kind of ideas. But what he said actually filled his chest with dread.
What if he's right? What if it really might happen again and in this world, she might end up dying as well?
"I don't want to conclude anything because it's still your own feelings, I'm not the one who's experiencing it," Hei-won added. "But let's say I'm right, and that long dream of yours is actually memories of your past life. But you're here right now, you're living here wherein Lilac is alive. If you keep on dwelling over something that already happened in the past and something you can't change anymore, then what's the point of being here?"
He let out a shaky breath as the guy's words sink into his mind, clearing all his thoughts and finally giving him a sense of relief.
"What's happening here is reality, Kio," Hei uttered pointedly. "And what happened there, is just some kind of dream. You still can change what's going to happen here, at least. Now let me ask you this, are you going to keep on dwelling on that pain for the rest of your life, or are you going to do something to stop it from happening again?"
Just like in that long dream of his, two similar questions popped up in his mind as he, once again, started to hope.
Maybe I could change the ending? Maybe I could do something this time?