It's been two years. And I'm still here.
I'm still sitting at the same old desk. My old wooden desk that you hated with a passion. You would always tell me how ugly it was and that i should get rid of it. But Simone. I won't. Because I'm still sitting here everyday, hoping for you to come back, and say how awfully ugly it is.
But deep down I know you are not going to come back.
My mom told me to go out. See some friends, meet some new people, date new girls. And I did. I tried my hardest not to think of you. But every single girl couldn't get me feeling the same sparkle like you did. I actually met a really pretty girl named Teresa. But at the moment she opened her mouth. It all got ruined. And that's when I knew. You can not be replaced.
I'm scared to love. Scared that the same thing will eventually happen to me again.
I love you so much, and oh how i hate myself for not loving you better. I can't bear looking at my phone anymore. All the pictures we took together.. I keep looking at them, and i get reminded of all the beautiful memories we have together. But on the other side, i would feel terrible if i deleted the pictures of us together. Because its the only thing left? You know? It's a weird feeling. I know you're in a better place, but baby i could make earth feel like heaven, if you just were here with me.
But what I'm trying to say, is that i miss you terribly. Its been 2 years and I'm still not able to love. So i really don't think i will be able to at all. I know you probably want me to love a girl, and i do love a girl. But that girl is still you, and it will always be.
Is it weird that i still picture you in my arms? Every night when i have to sleep, its so empty in the bed of mine. I miss you not laying still at all, i miss how you would snuggle up into a ball, and have your short arm around my torso.
I remember when your mom came with this little black box with different things of yours.. I found so many different things in it. I found this photo us, from the first time i was in Denmark with you. We were standing in Tivoli Gardens, you had just bought glazed apples for the both of us. And you had it all over your face. And i was smiling down at you. Oh how that picture made me fall in love all over again. And then there was this very special thing of yours that i and no idea you had.
A diary.
I was scared to read it at first, but i got over myself and i finally toke my shit together to read it. And i remember this very special page, you had written with your beautiful handwriting.
'Dear stupid diary.
I still don't know why i'm writing in this stupid book. It's never been my thing to write this kind of things. But i'm just gonna do it.
I haven't been writing in this thing in like forever. But, i have met this amazing, beautiful boy, who literally just took my heart.
His name is Aaron. I love him, he is beautiful on the inside and the outside. Not many people are that nowadays. He is special, I know that. I always have since the day i met him. Just the way he smiled at me when he saw me for the first time.
But i was also scared.. Scared that he would be like all the other boys. Douche-bags. You know, one of those boys who would steal your heart right away, and make you fall in love with them. But i knew that he was different. Aaron was different. He wasn't one of them.
And you may ask how i would know that? Well, i think you would understand me if you saw it from my point of view. He was so different around me.
I still remember when we were on some of our first dates.. How nervous he was when he would have to ask me out. And he wasn't one of those jerks who would send a text message about going out with him, he actually showed up and asked me.
And i couldn't be more thankful for how much he made me feel safe from day one.
He had this calming effect on me. You can't be mad at him.
Well after our first dates, we slowly started building a relationship. We both messed up horribly. But we got over it. I remember when i was with him on the MagCon show, and the Jacks and Aaron came running towards me and Lara backstage, grabbing us lifting us on stage. And that was when he asked me to be his girlfriend in front of the whole crowd.
He is the light of my life.
I invited him to Denmark to meet my parents and brother. And we had loads of fun...
But that's when the cancer stepped in.'
I didn't know what to say or think. I wanted to keep reading in your diary.. But there wasn't a single sentence more.. Not even a single word. I could feel the tears in my eyes again. I always loved the way you talked about me or the way you would describe me. And oh Simone.. I still think of you everyday when i wake up. I spent the whole morning thinking about, how you always would steal my t-shirt and sleep in it. And i'm listening to the same voicemail from you over and over again, and i'm never deleting it. Because you're the only thing that mattered to me.
I love you.