When I get outside I let my instincts take over and simply turn right. It's pretty cold outside for an afternoon in May and goosebumps rise up on my arms from the wind. My instinct and gut feeling have never betrayed me and over the years it has gotten a lot easier for me to interpret the feelings I get from it. I guess that is one thing that I know for sure will always be with me and never lie to me.
Why oh why god did something like this have to happen to me? Why would you choose me to experience all this pain and confusion? Why did mom have to lie about this for so fucking long? Why couldn't -or to say it better- wouldn't she tell me sooner? Would her telling me sooner even change anything about how I feel right now? Would I have reacted the way I did? Or why did she tell me in the first place? I was perfectly fine with how things were. Okay they were not great, but I could have lived with the situation a few years longer until I moved out anyway. Did she somehow think that this would take the guilt she should be feeling away? Or that she would become mother of the year for telling me something like this after sixteen goddamn years? Maybe she just wanted to mess with everything that I thought made me to the person I am today- Wait.
My movements come to an abrupt halt. Who am I? Like who is this girl storming away from this horrible situation she has been put in unwillingly?
If I'm not Hailey Rudes and not the daughter of Hal Rudes, then who am I? What characteristics and genes have I inherited from my so-called father? Do my passions for drawing and dancing come from him? Or my need to keep everything inside me and never tell anyone? No. The latter is definitely from mom as she proved to me now. But what part of me is actually me and whose is the rest?
A headache starts to grow, and I leave the topic to wonder about for later. I start walking again and imagine what my life would be like right now if I had known about this sooner.
Would I still be in this awful town anyways? Maybe I would have grown up in England instead of America. Maybe we would live in a house too right now, where I never needed to share with Abby for so long because the house was insanely huge. Wait- would Abby even be in England if we don't share the same father? And what about Joey? And Dad. Well ex-dad I guess. Would anyone of them be in England? Maybe it would only be mom, my new father and me. Or maybe just my father and me. Maybe mom would have just shipped me off to another continent to grow up and never contact me again. Just simply get rid of the burden that I seem to be.
All those different scenarios run through my head as I look at where I am actually going. My feet decided to take me to Milli's house, but I am not sure if I even want to be here. On the other hand, I don't really have any other choice now. My fist comes up and I knock softly. I stand on their porch and wait a few minutes. When no one opens I knock harder again and wait again. The door doesn't open as I thought it would and I don't hear any movement coming from inside the house. I look at my phone and see that it is not even two p.m., meaning since today is Wednesday I will have to wait two more hours until Milli and Simon get out of their school.
I look around and decide to sit down on the little swing they have on their front porch. Thank god I did that because not even five minutes after I sat down, it started to pour rain. Guess that is a sign to explain how I feel on the inside right now. Like an unnecessary, dark, cloudy and rainy day. I wonder if I'm going to burst into tears as fast as this rain started too or if I will simply take my usual route of coping with emotionally wracking things and push all my emotions down and never let them come up again.
The wind starts to blow the raindrops in my direction and I shiver. My arms pull my knees to my chest and I rest my head on them, staring out into the rain. I don't know how much time has passed when I feel a hand gently shake my shoulder.
"Hailey? What are you doing here?" Sophia asks me and I shrug, not looking at her. "Come on. You are freezing, let's go inside before you catch a cold." She says and I just snort. "I think it's a little bit too late for that." I answer and she nods, opening the door.
"Sophia I know this isn't nice to say, but can I just wait upstairs for Milli?" I ask her and she looks at me shocked. "You didn't come here to clean with me? I am incredibly hurt Hailey." She says in mock hurt. Usually I would laugh at that, but I can't even bring myself to smile. Sophie notices my unusual behaviour and nods. "Call me if you need anything." "Thanks Sophie." She turns around and walks to the kitchen, while I walk upstairs to Milli's room. I quickly close the door behind me and pull out a pair of sweats and a hoodie from her drawer to put on.
While I wait for my best friend to return home I clean up the chaos that is her bedroom. Clothes are spread everywhere except in her closet. Even her blanket and pillows aren't where they are supposed to be. But for once I am grateful for this mess, it gives me something else to think about instead of what a mess my life is right now. Hah. If Milli's room was any messier you could compare it with how I feel right now. As if a bomb has exploded.
When I sat outside I came up with one thing that is great and that I am grateful for in this situation. If I were to grow up in England, I never would have met Milli and Simon and I simply cannot imagine a life without them. This is the only and most valuable constant in my life and this is something I know is mine and defines me.
Milli walks into the room and lays down on her bed by the time I am putting her clothes back in their place and I already feel a lump in my throat forming. She didn't even say a word and I already know that no matter how often I planned this situation in my head the past hour, I will cry. There is no going around that.
"Heyyy. How long have you been here? Did you wait long for me?" Milli starts but I can't bring myself to answer. I take deep but silent breaths in and out, trying to keep the tears from falling.
"Hailey? Why are you cleaning my room instead of scolding me for it?" She asks and the more she says the harder it gets for me to hold everything in.
I hear her stand up and try to distract myself by putting more clothes in her closet, but it is no use when she takes them away from me and throws them on the ground next to us. I look towards the clothes and she steps in front of me. "Hailey. What is going on?" She asks, the lightness in her voice is gone now. I look up and feel a tear escape my eyes. "I don't know what to do anymore." I whisper and that's the moment that I collapse. Everything that I refused to feel these past few years bubbles to the surface, and I let it out for the very first time. Milli holds me tight and let's me know that she is here for me while I cry on her shoulder.
I know that she is curious and wants to ask me questions but I am not sure if I can give her any answer right now when I don't have them myself.
At some point my crying stops and Milli pulls away, but still holds my hand. She turns my head to look her in the eyes. "I know it's bad if you let me see you this vulnerable, so I won't ask any questions today but if I don't know anything by Friday and before the dance competition I will get the answers out of you the hard way, okay?" she says and I nod, loving her for not treating me any different than she usually does.
"Do you want to eat something?" She asks and I shake my head no. "Okay I am incredibly hungry, so I'm gonna go get myself some food while you pick us something to watch." She continues and walks out the door. She sticks her head in a second later and looks at me. "You can also continue to clean my room while you're at it." My lips curl up a little bit and Milli walks away feeling satisfied.
I surprise myself by actually cleaning up her room to the end while she eats on her bed and tells me about her day since I am not in the biggest mood to talk. As soon as we are both finished, we lie down under her blankets and watch Pretty Little Liars together.
Milli falls asleep pretty fast but I can't shut my mind off enough to let me sleep. I lower the volume of her laptop a bit and turn to the other side, facing away from her, to continue watching since I won't get any sleep tonight.
I am halfway through the season six finale when I hear Milli's alarm go off. She clicks the snooze button before I even get a chance to react and looks in my direction.
"Have you been up the entire night?" She asks and I nod, not bothering to make up an excuse. "Alright." She answers and gets up with a loud yawn. I pull the blanket up to my chin while she gets ready for school. There is a zero-percentage chance that I will go to that hell hole today. Nor will I go tomorrow.
As Milli gets ready, I notice why her room is messy all the time. She simply runs around the room, trying to find stuff and leaves everything on the ground that was in her way.
"I guess you won't go to school today. I'll tell mom to call you in sick." Milli says as she packs her bag.
She comes up to me and I press pause on the laptop. "You're lucky that you don't have to go to school the next few days." The attempt for a joke fails when I answer quietly, "I don't think I'm the lucky one in this situation."
Milli sighs and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Please call me or Simon if you need anything. Okay?" "Okay."
She leaves the room and a few minutes later the front door shuts. I guess I am alone now in a house that isn't even mine.
I continue to watch Pretty Little Liars for a little while when there's a knock on the door. Sophie leans against the doorframe and I raise an eyebrow. "I made you some breakfast. Please come downstairs." She says and I nod, closing the laptop and unwrapping myself from all the warm blankets. Before I actually go downstairs I head for the bathroom and gasp when I see my reflection. My eyes are bloodshot-red and I can't tell if it's from the crying or from the all-nighter that I unwillingly pulled. I don't even want to start on the smeared make-up and bags under my eyes. My skin is dry and my lips are completely pale.
It takes me a good amount of time until I am looking like a normal human again and am ready to face Sophia downstairs. She is reading something on her e-reader when I walk to the dinning-table and sit down. A cup of hot cocoa and a simple bacon and eggs breakfast are served for me. I start to eat and we sit there in silence for a couple of minutes.
"I called the school and told them you are sick and you probably will be back on Monday." She starts and I nod but supress the groan when she said I have to go back on Monday.
"And I called your mom." Sophie continues and I look up at her, raising an eyebrow. "I told her that you are staying here until you figured out whatever you need to figure out. She asked me if I know anything and I said I want to hear it from you when you are ready to tell me."
"Why did you call her? You don't like my par- my mom." I correct myself after realising that they aren't my parents anymore. Only mom is.
"Because I am a mother too, Hailey. I would like to know where Milli would be if she ran off somewhere." She explains and I nod. Makes sense.
I take a sip from my cocoa and leave the cup in my hands to warm them.
"I- They dropped a massive nuclear bomb on me." I start and Sophie makes a hand gesture for me to continue. "My dad isn't my actual dad. Another man that I've never even seen or heard about is and mom decided to share that information with me after lying about it for sixteen years." I tell her and she nods. "But isn't that a good thing considering you never had a father-daughter bond with Hal anyways?" She asks and I think about it. "But I don't even know that man. What if he's worse than my ex-dad?" "I don't think your mother would have brought him into your life if he wasn't a good man, Hailey."
I sigh. "I just don't know what to do now. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore."
"Why though? To me you are the same Hailey you were a month ago. Maybe a little bit more quiet and not as fidgety but still the same." Sophie tries to argue but I simply will not take it. "I feel like there's a completely new side of me that I never even knew about. I don't know what part of me is influenced by my biological father, which makes me wonder what part of me is the me that I know or used to know." I explain and I think she understand what I am trying to say.
"Then let's make a new you."
"A new what?" I repeat and she grins. "You heard me. I'm taking you to the mall. We'll get you a new haircut, new style, new everything." I shrink back in my seat a little bit. "But I like my style." I say and she laughs. "See? Your style is yours. The point is that you try new things and then decide what you like and don't like. Then you know or are at least a little bit closer to knowing who you are."
"Okay." I agree and she claps her hand. "my god I always wanted to do something like that. Hush hush, let's go."
Sophie is up on her feet and I follow along quickly but stop at the door. "I can't go out looking like this." I say and point to my outfit consisting of the most baggy sweats and hoodie. "At the end of this day you will look different, I promise." She reassures me and takes my hand.
We get in her car and start driving towards the mall.
"Okay. What music does the new Hailey like?" Sophie asks me and I think. "She likes everything except for hard rock and classical music." I say and we laugh. Sophie turns on the radio and plays some of the newest songs. Most of them I already know and sing along during the drive.
When we get to the mall Sophie takes me to all kinds of clothing stores to buy me anything I like. I feel bad for her spending so much money on me, but she insists since it was her idea. During the shopping spree I found out that I really like red, white and blue on me and we bought a few skirts and dresses in those colours. Sophie even bribed me into buying a pair of heels. The last clothing store we went to was Nike because as she puts it: Every girl needs a good amount of sweats and hoodies.
I love this woman.
With our hands full of bags we walk to the direction of the car, but Sophie has other plans when she turns to the right. "Where are you going? The car is the other way." I say and she links her elbow with mine. "Honey we have one more thing to finish." She tells me and I wonder what it is.
We stop in front of "La Murage", the best hairdresser and stylist in this entire town. It is incredibly hard to get and appointment here. A security man holds the door open for us and I gape at him. That's what you call service. The interior of the building is so incredibly beautiful and modern that I could simply stare at it for days. A woman, who I can read on the little golden name tag she has pinned to her black shirt is the owner, looks over and her lips break out into a huge smile when she sees the two of us standing at the entrance of her business. She runs down the stairs because this saloon obviously has to have two floors, and hugs Sophie. "It's so good to see you again, Soph." She says and Sophie hugs her back. "It really is Helen." The two of them part and direct their attention towards me. "Is this the beautiful young lady you told me about?" Helen asks and Sophie nods. "The one and only." "Hi. I'm Helen, the owner of La Murage." Helen greets me and I smile back. "I'm Hailey. Nice to meet you." "Helen and I have been best friends since high school." Sophie informs me as Helen guides us toward a little more secluded area in the back. A man takes our bags and offers the three of us a glass of champagne right after. I look at Sophie for approval and take a glass in my hands. The two woman in front of me talk a little bit while I look around and admire everything. A clap catches my attention and I look at Helen. "Let's get to work, shall we?" She asks and Sophie nods.
Helen sits me down in a chair and stands behind me, to look at me through the mirror. "There's one big rule in La Murage. If you do not like something, you tell me. We are here to make you feel better, not worse. Okay?" She says in a stern voice and I nod. "Okay." "So.. What do you want to do today? Cut your hair? Just style it? Or maybe go as far as dye it?" Helen asks and I look back at Sophie for some kind of guidance, but she just shakes her head and smiles at me. I think. I want a real change. Something that screams new.
"Let's change the colour." I answer Helen and she grins. "I already like you."
Helen gives me a whole lot of options and we go through them one by one. I never knew that there could be so many different shades of black. When we had finally chosen a colour that I like and think would look good on me, Helen let every single mirror be covered with a black curtain, so that I can't see what I look like until the end. It takes a few hours until I am finally finished because Helen did not only dye my hair. She also cut off the dry ends, put in several hair masks and then styled it in big curls.
When I finally am allowed to look at myself in the mirror I can't believe what I see. In front of me is standing a beautiful girl with ginger hair. I repeat. Ginger. Hair. I would have never thought that I would be as brave to take such a drastic change and for it to look as good as it does. I love this new look and I think my smile says it all.
I turn to Sophie and Helen. "Thank you. I can't describe how much I love it." I tell them and feel tears prickle in my eyes. "Aww. Come here Honey." Helen says and gives me a bear hug. "I'm glad to know that I could help you." She whispers and steps away again to give each of us another glass, this time it's orange juice though. "To a new and happy Hailey." "Cheers." We clink our glasses and Sophie nudges me with her elbow. "Do you think today was a good day?" She asks me and I nod. "I think it was one of the best and most important days of my life." I never would have guessed to feel this good this soon already.
When we finally get to the exit Helen hugs us again. "If you ever need your hair to be freshened up or have another crisis just tell Sophie and I'll help you again. For free of course." She tells us and I cannot thank her enough for everything she did for me today. I don't know how much Sophie had told her on the phone, but I still think that she doesn't know how much of an impact she had on me and how much she helped me today. We bid our goodbyes and head out. It is dark outside now and I am beyond exhausted.
When we get back to the house Sophie tells me to wait outside for a moment and I hear her telling Milli and Simon to come to the kitchen and not look back until she says so. Sophie texts me a thumb up when it is safe for me go inside and I literally sprint upstairs and into Milli's room. I am proud when I see that she cleaned up everything from in the morning and quickly change into a red dress with little white flowers printed on it, that you can tie up in the front. I choose to put on the black heels that Sophie literally forced me to buy and take one last look at my hair. With that I slowly walk downstairs and can already hear Simon complain about this taking so long. I suppress my laugh and stand behind them. Sophie sees me and smiles. "You can turn around now guys."
"Holy."
"Shit." Simon finishes for Milli after they see me.
I make a little turn and they clap. "Hailey you look- just wow." Simon says and I smile. "Thanks." I say and fiddle with my hair. "You guys don't think it's too much?" I ask and Milli steps in front of me. "I still don't know why you are so insecure about yourself and I really want to know but no. Hailey you have never looked more like yourself than you do now."
I spread my arms and the three of us go for a group hug. "By the way Hal Rudes is not my dad." I drop the bomb out of nowhere and they scream. "What?!" "Simple version: Yesterday I came home early and mom, ex-dad and a man were standing in our kitchen. I asked what was going on and they started fighting and then I screamed to get their attention and then mom told me that the man there is my father and then I called her a liar and ran out." I ramble on and feel a wave of relief wash over me for telling them.
"So... That bastard is actually not your father?" Simon asks. "Language Simon." Sophie scolds him and I laugh. "Yes." "My god those are the best news ever!" He says and hugs me again. "Ehm. What do you mean?" I ask a little bit confused. "Come on. That man was never even close to being a father for you. We all hated the way he treated you." Simon explains and I think about it. "It's true, he never was a father for her, but I don't think that those are the best news ever for Hailey." Sophie answers for me and I nod.
"What are you planning to do now?" Milli asks me and I shrug, telling her the only thing that I remember from Roberto trying to teach me Spanish, "No tengo ni idea."