AZ
Song: Me, myself and I- G eazy ft Bebe Rexha.
Driving back home, I think about how eventful my weekend has been. I had planned to just be at home, or at the safehouse, to get high off weed and alcohol and to cry myself to sleep. I had planned to hug my own knees and drown in the reality of my life.
Kacely was there though, he helped me. When he knocked my door that first time, I didn't want to answer. I wanted to make him believe no one was there and to just leave me alone. But when he didn't stop, I told him to come in and I'm so fucking glad I did. He was there for me, he held me and comforted me in the very best way. He listened, he tried his best to get my mind off things even if it was in ways he didn't agree with.
He made the worst day of my life tolerable. It felt so much better to hug him than to hug a bottle.
I drive into the yard and park my car, I don't want to go out of my car yet. The only person who will probably be around will be Tabitha and I don't want to see her. I have nothing against her whatsoever but I'd rather just be alone right now. I need to just walk upstairs, get myself soaked in a hot tub and think of what could have been if my mom were here.
She would probably have taken me shopping, she might have bought me a cake or even made one herself or we could do it together. She would have held me and told me how I grew so fast and how much she loved me. I lean against the steering wheel and close my eyes. There's no problem in getting lost in my thoughts for a while, even though there is no point in doing so, I atleast have the right to wonder. I force myself out and climb the stairs when I notice that the wondering only adds salt to my bruises.
Reluctantly, I get in and lean my forehead against the door, eyes closed and drowsy. I should take along a bottle of whiskey from the bar, just to make it...
"Suprise!!!"
I tremble in fright and when I look behind me...
What the hell?
The living room is full of people, a few whose faces I can recognize but whose names I don't know at all. All I know is some of them are from RCC. Bryan and his stooges are even here as well.
There's a big banner that reads "Happy 18th Az!". It's all pink and purple and confetti and balloons and afro pop and I swear my head is spinning.
"Baby, where have you been? I called you so many times." Gramps says and pulls me into a hug.
Shura and Bryana push through the crowd head towards us.
"Happy birthday Azinwi! We made all this for you!" Shura says and hugs me too. I'm too underwhelmed to react.
"Happy birthday girl." Bryana beams. She's putting on a skintight blue dress which has crystals on the neckline. Shura has a leather skirt and crop top on along with a blue pair of stilettos. Everyone's so overdressed and flashy except for Gramps. He has his usual baggy shorts, turtle neck shirt and sneakers on. He still looks good, everyone but me does. I look like a street dancer who just stumbled into a fundraising ball while putting on this oversized hoodie and jean shorts.
"You look terrible Az!" Bryana comments, like she could read my thoughts and I roll my eyes.
"That's not a problem, we already got you a dress and shoes and there's even a make up artist who can take care of your face and hair." Shura tells me. "Come on"
She takes my hand and leads me upstairs, I'm too disappointed to fight her.
"You will love the dress Az, it's so beautiful!" Bryana yells and my headache instantly returns.
Shura opens the door on my room and my gaze immediately falls on the pale purple lacy dress displayed on a manniquine. The lacey material goes just slightly below the knees and there's a thicker and shorter material underneath. The cleavage is fluffy and has white beads below that go all round. It's spaghetti striped and is actually pretty easy on the eyes. It's bright colouring is a perfect contradiction of my present mood.
"Your Gramps told me your favourite colour is purple so I got a purple dress for you, there's the shoe I got." She says and gestures towards a pair of silver heeled slippers at the corner of the room.
"What do you think Az?" Bryana asks and my bathroom door opens. A short girl with extremely skinny legs who I assume is the supposed make up artist comes out and immediately locks eyes with me.
This bitch did not just use my bathroom.
"Good evening dear." She greets and I ignore her, unlike always I do not have the energy to cuss at her.
"Az... you do realise that you haven't uttered a word since you got here right?" Bryana laughs.
"Az... are you... Are you ok?" Shura asks and I breathe, taking a seat on my bed.
"Whose idea was this?" My voice is much lower than I intended.
"What?" Shura asks
"The party, the dress, the people... Whose idea was it?"
"Both of us actually." Bryana responds. " I came over with a cake and a bottle of champagne at about noon so we could celebrate at least. And just before I came, Shura was trying to talk your Grandfather into throwing a small party for you but he wouldn't budge, saying you don't like gatherings and stuff. He suggested a smaller party, but I wasn't down for it. Shura urged me to beg him and after about an hour of nagging he finally gave in. He called you a couple times but you didn't pick so we decided to just go on with it and suprise you. We bought a bigger cake, the dress and we were even able to get a catering service that was could do all the decor and deliver food and drinks in no time. Can you imagine?" She explains and I do not understand how she isn't out of breath. "I asked in the class group chat if anyone wanted to come and almost everyone did. So I just said everyone could come."
"Az... Why do you seem so uninterested in everything?"
"My favourite colour's poly green." I reply Shura
"Huh?"
"My favourite colour's poly green. It hasn't been purple since I turned thirteen."
"Sorry Az but a poly green dress will surely look terrible. This gown is just perfect." Bryana whines and I shoot her the worst glare. Can she atleast try to shut up for sixty seconds straight?
" I don't want it." I say
"Want what?" Shura asks.
"This!" I say pointing the dress. "The dress, the shoes, the make up, the cake, the people... None of this!"
"Why not?" Shura asks.
"Because I don't! Get out. Leave my room, all of you."
"You aren't serious." Shura scoffs.
"Hell yeah I am, just leave! I want to be alone." I tell all of them, meaning it and there's a knock on my door.
"Fuck, who is it?" I bark and Gramps opens the door. Talk about invasion of privacy. Why don't we just call everyone to come and have the fucking party up here all together.
"Why are you guys taking so long up in here? The guests are starting to get bored." He asks and puts his hands in his pockets.
"Mr. Ntonifor, Az said she doesn't want the party. She even asked us to leave the room." Bryana answers. This girl is really getting on my last nerve. "I don't understand why because we did all this for her..."
"Bryana," I exhale, gaining her attention "would you do me the profound favour of shutting the hell up?! Fuck!" I yell and watch her face grow pale.
"Can you guys please leave us alone for a while?" Gramps asks them and the skinny make up artist takes the lead out of the room. Bryana follows suit and then Shura, she looks up at me with sadness in her eyes before stepping out and closing the door.
"What's wrong baby?" Gramps asks and sits down beside me.
"What's wrong? How about what's right?!" I yell, getting up from the bed.
"I know baby, I'm sorry. I proposed something less crowded but they wouldn't listen. However, since they went through all the trouble for you, you should at least just dress up and go along with it."
"Go along with it? What the fuck Gramps? How could you let them throw me a freaking party on the day mom died?!"
"This isn't just the day your mom died, it's the day you were born too. I know it's all new but I think we should be open to positive changes."
"What do you mean by positive changes? You left me here, alone, since Friday. You left me to be with that floozy on the day you know is the worst for me! And when I come back there's a party in the living room? What the hell?"
"Don't call her that!" He replies equally as harsh and I hate that out of everything I just said, all he did was defend Shura further. "We came back on Saturday evening actually. I went away because I... I was down and Shura noticed so we left for that night. She asked me what was wrong and I told her about your mom. That's when she said it would be better for us to celebrate life rather than mourn death. At first I didn't..."
"So that is what is happening now? Is that how we do things now? Do we have to ask Shura for permission now before we do the least things?! I bet she chooses what boxers you put on now!"
"Stop it!" He scolds. "Do not disrespect me Azinwi!"
"You know how hard this period is always for me, this is the very day I killed mom! Yet you were selfish enough to leave me just so you could go fuck her!"
"How many times will I tell you you weren't the one who killed Neh-bih?! What do I have to do to get what your Grammy told you out of your head?" He says and rubs both of his knees with his palms after sitting down.
"It's true though. I killed her!"
Flashbacks of my drunk grandmother sitting behind the bar with a bottle of whiskey in her hand invade my thoughts. She would look me in the eye and tell me how I killed her only child and how much of a curse and infelicity I was. I would stand there with my teddy bear, crying till Nanny Jinwi would come and carry me away to comfort me.
"No... No it's not! I don't know why she used to say that to you. She never should have!"
"Maybe if you weren't always away with different mistresses all the time, you would have been there to stop her from saying it to me over and over. You left me then and you left me yesterday." I say, unwelcomed tears streaming down my face as I turn to look out the window. The sun is setting, but my pains aren't, they are multiplying.
"Azinwi, I know you had a tough childhood"
"You haven't the slightest fucking clue." I bark and wipe my overflowing tears.
"I'm sorry baby. I shouldn't have left you yesterday and even when you were younger. I should have spent time with you, celebrated your birthday every year and stopped Prosophine from saying those hateful words to you. I know it must've been very hard for you... Still is, but I was selfish enough to think only about myself." He begs" I know I can't take it back, I know you can never get them out of your mind but I hope you can try to let me fix my mistake."
I want to. I want to stop being angry at Gramps. He had apologised before and I honestly thought I had gotten over this resentment towards him and Grammy but obviously I haven't. It still hurts, I'm still wounded, deeply.
"Spending time with us, with people who care about you might help you get over it or at least try healing the deep hurt in your heart. Just let us try to be there for you" He speaks up after moments of silence. "I'll be downstairs, I hope you'll join us soon."
I hear the door open and close and when I turn around, he's gone.
I pick up the new vase on my table and shoot it in the air violently, screaming as it collides with solid wall. My eyes burn as salty tears wet my face again.
I grab the manniquine from it's legs and hit it continuously against the wooden wardrobe until it's head disconnects from the rest of it before holding the cleave and tearing it till the waistline. The beads from the dress disconnect and fall to the ground.
"Az! Are you ok in there?!" Bryana shouts, knocking the door harshly.
I turn the key of the door, pick up my phone and head out my open window. I carefully place my foot on the metal holding the ropes of the drying line before jumping down and scaling the fence.
"Take me to Big Mankon" I tell the bike rider and he rides off to Ken's apartment.
"Dear, you dey ok?" The bike rider asks me as I breakdown again, I'm done fighting these tears.
"Just drive." I dismiss him, pulling my nose.
He stays quiet till we arrive at Ken's. I hand him a blue note but he declines it, saying it's ok before riding off.
He shouldn't have bothered.
I hurry up the numerous fleets of steps that I dread so much. I need a distraction, I need Ken. Maybe if he thrusts into me hard and fast enough, I will be able to forget everything. I arrive his door, banging it and he opens moments later. His face makes it obvious that he was asleep. It's barely 8pm.
"Az?" He asks, rubbing his eyes. "What's wrong? Why do you look like that?"
I push pass him, walking into his apartment. I take a seat at his study table and he stoops infront of me.
"Baby, what happened?" He asks again, holding my cheek with his hand, rubbing it with his thumb. I look at him, his eyes eager and full of concern. For a moment I consider opening up to him. I consider telling him about everything that just happened; about mom, and Gramps, everything. But that's not what we're about.
"Az..." He calls again softly.
"It doesn't matter." I reply and wipe my tears again.
"What do you mean it doesn't matter? You look so down. You know you can tell me anything, don't you?"
"I do not want to talk about it Ken."
"Even if you don't want to tell me, what can I atleast do to make you feel better?" He asks. What can he do? What can't this guy possibly do to make this better?
"You can fuck me till I forget about everything" I say after seconds of silence and reach out for his lips. No need wasting time here.
"Az, no..." He opposes, holding my shoulder so I can't kiss him. "That isn't the best thing to do right now. You shouldn't even be thinking about that."
"Well why not? You should even be happy I came here after your lousy performance the other day." I say and he looks away.
"I thought we were already over that, I already apologised, didn't I?" He says and I kneel down to meet him.
"I know you did, I forgave you already. That's why you need to make up for what you did." I slur, taking his face in my hands before brushing his lips with mine.
"Az...." He calls, before pulling away and standing. "I can't have sex with you now, not when you look like this."
What the hell is his problem? I get why Kacely didn't want to but what is his excuse?
"Ok then." I say and head towards the door.
"You don't have to go baby." He begs, grabbing my hand. "We can talk about what's going on. You can tell me and we can look for a way to make you feel better. It doesn't always have to be about sex."
"I know it isn't, but with you, it's always about sex." I confess and head out the door.
OK... I probably shouldn't have said that last part. But I already did and it is the truth.
••••••••••••
LMFAO. Pls as a guy don't give a girl reasons to talk to you the way Az talks to Ken.
Vote ⭐
Comment ⬇️
Share🚻
Follow 👥