Hello Dear readers, I hope you enjoy this chapter.
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Sleep was not Draco's friend that evening.
Try as he might to close out the world Goyle's words had circled in his head like sharks around a kill, taking little bites out of him with each passing loop.
What little sleep he had was filled with a myriad of visions from his past. His fathers cane, the night of the tower, Crabbe's screams...and Hermione hurt at his own hand.
When light began to stream in through his window Draco was happy for the distraction of tasks that needed to be done-of problems that he could try to solve and focus on in order to keep his mind from the endless spiral the night had created.
He showered, trying to wash the nightmares away.
His skin felt dirty.
His soul felt the same.
That part of him that had grown over the last few weeks because of Hermione's presence in his family's manor-the part that was showing him good and bad were not the same as what he had been taught as right and wrong-leeched at him berating him for who he had been and all he had done.
A part of him wished he had never grown to know the difference, to be able to see how flawed he was and how damaged his thinking had been.
When he came back from the shower he looked to Hermione. Even looking at her felt wrong.
He so desperately wanted her to tell him that the voices inside his head were wrong, that he was not evil, that he was not past redemption. He dared not ask her to say it though, because what if she told him no.
What if she saw what he saw...the monster.
He didn't want her to look at him as if he were a monster.
Breakfast, he told himself. You need to make them breakfast.
Draco prepped food in a daze, his years of experience allowing him to make something decent without even really being there at all. His hands and wand moved almost of their own volition; mechanical.
It was just enough to keep his mind blank.
Blissfully numb to the thoughts.
Draco levitated the plates back to the room all the while his eyes focused somewhere else of in the distance, staring into a void.
Hermione was there waiting for him fully dressed and sitting cross legged on her pallet.
She looked so perfect, patiently waiting there. As if she were waiting for him.
Draco glanced at the clock. It was still quite early for her and Draco wondered if he had woken her when he had left.
"Why do you have three plates?" she asked looking at him quizically. "Are we expecting someone else?"
Draco froze her words snapping him out of his Daze.
He looked over at the floating tray which carried three meals and three drinks. He had been so out of it he didn't realize he had been completely oblivious.
You idiot! he mentally screamed at himself. Anyone walking through the house could have seen that-you're lucky it was only Hermione who noticed.
"Draco?"
"I'm sorry..." he shook his head.
"Draco, what's wrong?" she was on her feet in an instant and nearly beside him.
"That was stupid of me," he said more to himself than her. He was so tired.
That was reckless, unacceptable. Don't you dare endanger her by being so stupid.
"Draco," she touched his arm and he yanked himself away.
He couldn't bear her touch. He didn't deserve comfort from her.
He didn't deserve it from anyone.
"Don't" he shook his head.
"I knew something was wrong last night," she said. "What is it?"
"No," Draco pulled a hand through his hair.
He needed to sleep.
He wasn't going to get any sleep any time soon.
At least none with any semblance of peace.
"No what?" Hermione crossed her arms over her chest. "Did something happen? Stop trying to protect me"
Fat chance, Draco thought back and then based on the look on Hermione's face he was pretty sure he had actually said it out loud.
Shit.
That time he kept his mouth decidedly closed.
He couldn't have her feeling bad for not staying awake with him when she had already given him more than he deserved. She had needed to rest.
"It wasn't...I was..." the promise not to lie made it hard for him to explain.
Eventually he got so frustrated he let out an actual growl, the sound low and gutteral in his throat.
Hermione's eyebrows shot up.
"I was just stressed when you saw me," he finally managed. He had been stressed and overwhelmed and she-for that one moment- had made it all better.
Until he left her and talked with Goyle.
"Then what are you now?" she asked, stepping to the side so that she had a better view of his face.
He knew she was trying to read him, trying to figure out what was going on.
A wreck.
A monster.
Draco shook his head.
"What happened after we talked that has you this way?" asked Hermione.
Draco shook his head and Hermione crossed her arms over her check cocking one foot out in a way that let him know there was no way in hell she was letting this go.
Her foot tapped impatiently and she pursed her lips at him.
Goddammit, he closed his eyes.
"I...talked with Goyle," he admitted
"He's your friend-"
"Not anymore," Draco cut her off, his voice heavy with scorn.
"What happened?" her concern was overwhelming.
Draco shook his head.
Hermione stepped forward so that she was far too close.
He could feel the heat coming off of her, the electricity of being next to her frying his senses.
"Draco what happened?" she pushed and tried to touch him again.
He shrugged away stepping back.
"He...blames me for what happened to Crabbe!" Draco finally snapped. "Are you happy?"
He pressed his hands to his face.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you," the apology-unlike before-came easily to him,
Hermione's arms were suddenly around him holding him from the side.
Instinct made it so he wanted to wrench himself away.
His heart had other ideas.
He had resisted her touch the first two times, but with her arms around him tightly he couldn't push her away again.
"It's not your fault what happened to him," she said into his shoulder. "Voldemort is to blame
"Rationally I know that" he answered, "But at the same time, I did this."
Hermione squeezed him tighter.
"You didn't." she assured him.
He was so tired.
She was wrong.
But he didn't want to argue with her.
He didn't want to fight her.
"Come on, we should eat," she said. "It might make you feel better."
"I'm not hungry," Draco said shaking his head.
"Well I could use the company," she said tugging at him. "Won't you at least sit with me?"
He could tell that she was just trying to make it better. She was trying to distract him from his thoughts and the blame he was placing on himself for his friends death.
The effort alone on her part...the fact that she cared about him enough...it made him ache and it dulled the pain at the same time.
He looked at her and was overwhelmed for a moment imagining what it would be like to actually 'be' with someone like her. To come home to, to share a life with, someone who cared so deeply and lived with such passion. Someone who could forgive...
Even she can't forgive what you've done.
Monster.
But she doesn't treat me like I am...
"Hermione?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you," he said, letting the true depth of his appreciation come through in his tone.
"For what?" she asked genuinely puzzled at his sudden thanks.
"For not looking at me like I'm a monster."
"You're not a monster Draco," she came over to him and touched his face.
Draco leaned into that touch like it was a life raft, her delicate fingers against his skin were a soft welcome balm against the burning inside his soul.
I love you, he thought the words at her. He wanted to say them out loud.
"You're an incredible person Granger," he said instead. "You look for the best in people. You bring out the best in people."
She smiled a little.
"When this is all over..." he said "I'll understand if you never want to see me again."
Her face dropped suddenly.
"Why would you say that?" she asked her tone horrified.
"Because I'd understand if you didn't want to see the face of the man who held you captive and tortured you," answered Draco.
It was something he had been thinking about for longer than he had wanted to admit-how much he desperately wanted to stay in her life despite knowing it was impossible. Why would she ever tolerate him in her life after all this was done.
Every time she would look at his face it would only remind her of everything she had been through...everything he had done to her.
"It is also the face of the man who did everything in his power to save me!" Hermione half shouted.
"I'm not the hero in this scenario Granger," said Draco his eyebrow coming down together. "Just because you don't see me as a monster doesn't mean I'm not and it doesn't mean I'm good."
"You listen here Draco Malfoy," Hermione said firmly and she poked a finger into his chest firmly enough that it actually hurt a little. "You have good in you. It's just never been given a chance to grow!"
"It's not your responsibility to help me-" Draco started
"I know that," Hermione protested. "But I want the job anyways."
"I'm not some pity case for you to take on and try and save," he half growled.
"I know!"
"Then why in hell would want to help me?!" he demanded.
"Because I care about you Draco!" She shoved at his chest with open palms.
What?
Draco froze.
"Goddammit, why can't you see that?! " she was practically shouting. "I care what happens to you," Her voice cracked.
Her eye were filling with moisture and didn't understand why.
"And what really terrifies me," she managed, her voice wavering. "Is the thought that when all this is over I might lose you."
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My pulse is pounding. Anyone else extremely happy and satisfied with this chapter?