Natalia's eyes slowly opened to sunlight spilling over every surface of her room. She felt the sting of the metal on her wrist, pulling above her head, and she pulled the blanket closer around her. She was shivering as she batted the sleep from her eyes, cold burying deep into her body, replacing warmth that had encased her only hours before.
She looked around: No boots. No jacket. No arms, chest, or blue eyes to keep her safe. As quickly as he had come, he had gone again.
It was like waking from a dream, but she was sure that it hadn't all been in her mind. James had been here, laying next to her, kissing her forehead, and holding her tightly until she fell asleep in his arms. He must have left early to not be detected once the sun had risen, replacing her restraint as he went. Natalia had slept past their usual time to meet each morning, but she had a feeling that was his intention- let her sleep in and enjoy the glow of their time together for as long as possible.
Minutes later, the door to Natalia's room abruptly opened. The man came in and checked the window lock, satisfied that it hadn't been disturbed, noting the thick layer of snow that laid on the roof outside the glass. He checked above and below the bed, and shook out Natalia's clothes, once in a tidy stack on her chair now thrown in a heap on the floor. He pulled back the blanket on the bed and roughly shifted Natalia's body from side to side checking for contraband, finding none. Finally, content with the morning check of her room, he clicked the metal restraining her arm and swiftly left, closing the door behind him.
Natalia sat in her bed, rubbing her wrist where it chaffed and bled, thinking back to recent events. As she thought over every detail, one thing came to mind- this must have been the happiest moment of her life. No one cared for her, protected her, loved her like James did. She was awestricken with emotion, but knew she needed to file it away in her brain. She couldn't let her overwhelming happiness show, as she was expected to not allow emotions rule her.
Natalia readied herself for class and joined the other girls in the hallway, heading down together for breakfast. The porridge they ate was lumpy and cold, but she wasn't hungry. She was anxious to see James, even as she tried to keep the butterflies in her stomach at bay.
Finally, they went to the hall for their training, but there was no sign of James. Instead, another trainer appeared in his place and ran their lessons for the day. Natalia thought about asking whether James was sick or would be rejoining them soon, but she knew this would be out of line. So, she just focused on her training and making it through the rest of the day without losing focus.
James didn't visit Natalia that night, so she went to their usual spot for training in the morning, hours before the other girls would wake. But James never appeared. Natalia sat in the middle of the room, crosslegged on the floor for the whole 2 hours starring at the door, unmoving and without fidgeting. She didn't hear a peep, so finally she returned to her room as she normally would and tucked herself in before the man would come around to let her out as usual.
This continued, day after day, for a whole week. Each morning, Natalia would sneak out of her room, silently move to cellar where they met to train, sit on the floor waiting for James to appear, and return to her room when there was no sign of him. Each day, the new instructor had come in to teach them instead of James. No one had said a word as to why he wasn't there or why a change had been made. The girls had to accept it unquestioningly.
On the eighth day, Natalia had finally had enough. She couldn't contain herself any longer, anxiety driving her to make dangerous and irrational decisions. If James was still on the grounds, she had to find him.
After waiting until she was sure the man had left the hall that night after tucking her in, Natalia used the tiny piece of metal to remove the restraint and silently snuck out the window. She had tried to decipher how James had unlocked and relocked the window from outside her room, but couldn't figure it out. Ultimately, Natalia decided that if she was found out of bed, she would be "removed" from the widow program anyway, so it wasn't worth taking the additional time on the small detail now.
Natalia made her way to the cellar where she and James practiced and began working her way down the halls. James had never told her where they kept him and she had never asked, so she had to use her best instincts. Since the basements were covered in thick layers of concrete, she surmised that keeping him down there was the best way to keep him contained and void of contact with others.
Natalia was cautious as she listened, making slow movements before turning corners or checking rooms she passed by. Before leaving her room, she had changed into clothes that she thought she could best fight in, though she was limited to only what she had collected as the other girls had been "removed from the program." If she'd had to fight someone, she had little protection in this outfit.
Most of the rooms she passed were either empty, used for storage, or locked. Natalia had debated using a soft knock on these locked doors in hopes of getting a response, but she worried she would be caught too early in her search. Better to double back to these rooms if necessary.
As Natalia worked her way through the labyrinth of hallways, she found a second level further beneath the basement. She descended the stone stairs to find an even older cellar with walls made from rocks and boulders that must have been dug up and salvaged from the surrounding landscape. The hallways were dark, barely lit from occasional light spilling out from underneath doors, so she traced her finger tips along the walls to keep her bearings. As she silently tried the door knobs, she found one that was unlocked.
Natalia slowly opened the door to a small room, softly lit by the glow of buttons and knobs. They were on a machine that was attached to what appeared to be a large chair with leather and metal restraints. A metal cage was attached to large arms that looked as it it could be lowered and placed around a subject's face The machine hummed with electricity, continuously waiting to be used. Natalia knew what this was and she almost fell backwards, her body shivering at the sight of it.
Closing the door quickly and quietly, Natalia leaned against it. She wondered if she had made a mistake coming down here. It was possible that this was only the tip of the iceberg to what she might find. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking both ways down the hallway.
She steadied herself. She couldn't stop searching. She had to find him, now more than ever.
Natalia's pace quickened, less mindful of her stealth training. Her body quaked as her anxiety heightened. She needed to see him, see his face, hold him to make sure he was alright.
Natasha tried door handle after door handle and found them locked. She was in a longer hallway now, deep in this second basement level. As she looked towards the end, she saw a door with a latch at face height. The door was heavily reinforced and she ran to it, abandoning her quiet movements for quick strides.
Standing in front of the door, she felt the cold air escaping around it's frame. Natalia put her hands to the small latch that covered an opening within the door and slowly opened it. The room was lit from above by a grate that opened to the outside, allowing light and snow through. In the center of the room, head down and pacing, was what she had been searching for.
Natalia's heart pounded so hard at seeing him that she thought it might explode. She didn't realize how much she had missed him until this moment and was so thankful he was still here.
"James..."
Natalia spoke as softly as she could, her words breathy and forming clouds in the cold air of his room. She at him expectantly, her face a mix of joy and relief. But he kept pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands together, switching from grasping one fist and then the other
"I'm here. James..."
Natalia tried again, a little louder, wondering if her voice didn't carry as well from where she was standing into his room. She looked back down the hallway from which she'd came after she spoke, checking to see if she was drawing attention. As she looked back to him, he still hadn't responded.
Natalia's heart was beating faster now. Not out of joy, but out of anxiety.
"Soldier?"
He stopped and turned to face her. His eyes were empty and dark. His stare was vacant. He didn't search her face for any sign of familiarity or recognition, he just looked at her, straight through her.
Natalia's stomach sank and she grabbed onto the door to steady herself. She swallowed hard, feeling like she might choke on her tongue as she tried to hold back tears. She couldn't look away from him even as he stared back at her, knowing nothing of her. Her mind was overloaded and she felt faint.
Upon not receiving a command from Natalia, he sat down on the edge of his bed, facing away from her, staring at the wall or, more likely, nothing at all.
"Stupid girl." Madame B's voice rang in Natalia's ear as she continued to hold onto the door for support. "You really think we didn't know?"
The words stabbed through Natalia's heart. This was all too much. She couldn't handle it. She leaned her head against the door, trying to contain her emotions.
"We always knew. We allowed it to happen, every single time, every single step, every single moment. It only happened because we chose to allow it."
"Then why did you let it happen?" Natalia felt lost.
"You needed to learn. You are the best in your class, but your emotions make you sloppy. You're made of marble, but marble chips when you are careless."
Madame B's words were sharp and cutting. Natalia felt as if her skin was tearing open, exposing every nerve.
"Did he know?" Natalia's voice became soft, her eyes slamming shut to keep the tears that were building up from escaping her eyes. It was the only question that mattered.
"He only ever knows what he needs to know for a mission."
Natalia's breath became staggered as she gulped air into her lungs.
"Don't you see? He was never yours at all." Madame B's voice was cold. "He was always ours."
That was all Natalia could stand. She raised her head and looked back up at him. Anything she knew of James was gone, made into a memory in just a moment. He was an empty vessel again, back to a machine they could use for anything they wanted to- reconnaissance, assassination, manipulation.
She had only been a target. As all of this new information flooded her, she had to wonder if any of it had been real or if it had all been just fantasy, only a dream.
"Love is for children."
Natalia repeated the words she had been told since she was a little girl.
Madame B nodded. "And now you will stop acting childish. Come, it's time."
Natalia took one last look at him, before closing the latch on the door. As icy emotionlessness started to flow through her veins again, forcing out any last sentiments, she had one last thought: she had never gotten to say goodbye.
Listen to: "Sledgehammer" - Rihanna