I took a deep breath to calm my nerves but it wasn't helping really. I was standing at the center stage under the roof where ballet recitals take place. One of the troops just left half an hour ago after their practice. I tipped my head back and drew another long breath. But now the ginormous ceiling above me was making me jittery. There were so many ropes and lights what if one of them gets loose and hurt my honey bees.
"Zara..." Startled, my head snapped toward Maximus' echoing voice. A bone inside my neck cracked, for moving it too quickly. Damn it.!
"Sorry." Maximus apologized, scrunching his nose sympathetically.
"It's okay." I waive it off slowly moving my neck, massaging the ache with my palm.
"What are you doing here. The kids have gone home already.?" he asked.
"I was just admiring the view." I say dreamily, looking at the rows of seats in front of me. I hope all the parents and their other family members come and fill the empty seats to encourage the kids to perform on the stage.
The Royal auditorium was inspired by the themes of Roman halls. Gian was so sweet to give a free hand to Maximus. So generous to allow us to book this auditorium for our annual celebration a day before Christmas break begins.
"It is beautiful." Maximus said, following my line of sight.
"You are not nervous.? I was afraid of how the kids were going to react. But they were so excited. I don't think anything can scare them now." I say happily.
"In college, I had given plenty of presentations. But I was nervous during the first few times." he shrugged.
"Presentation." I mumble feeling my anxiety grow. I cold shiver ran down my spine, my stomach coiled. On wobbly legs, I walked away from the stage getting refuge into the darkness of backstage. The fear of standing in the middle of the stage still remained with me.
My phone notified me of incoming messages, upon checking I found one SOS from Helen and another from Gian asking me if I am okay with eating something Italian other than pizza and pasta. We are going to spend the night together again. My habit of probing everything around me kept me occupied regarding the small details for the program. But everything is settled now and I can spend my time with Gian without overthinking.
In the dilemma, I chose Helen. I texted Gian an apology and walked out. What if she really needs me this time. Not like the first and last time when I visited her apartment. She only wanted to talk about her lack of their dating life as though I wasn't single and alone.
*****
I pulled my winter jacket close as I stepped out of the auditorium. The wind picked making limbs rattle. I was hurrying my steps when Maximus called my name.
"Is someone coming to pick you up?" he asked looking around frivolously.
"No, I will be taking a cab." I answer him, as I had canceled on Gian who was supposed to drop me home.
"I can give you a lift." he offered.
"No, that's alright. I have already called in a cab."
"Cancel that. I will drop you. It's on my way home." He prodded.
"I am going to my friend's house and it is the opposite." I politely decline his offer.
When the taxi arrived. Maximus protectively stood in front of me, leaning down he took a picture of the cab driver and actually gave him a warning. I was appalled by his protectiveness.
When he again began to look around haphazardly, I actually began to feel nervous. As though finding something he had been looking for, he only then allowed me to get inside.
"Protective boyfriend.?" My driver asked, looking at me through the rearview mirror. I just gave him a meek smile and shrugged. Not denying or accepting what he had said.
Halfway to our route, when I was settled with the warmth inside I noticed the driver was checking the rearview mirror again and again.
"Excuse me.!" I exclaim pretty rudely, coming to my own conclusions that he had been creeping on me.
"No... no, mam. You are taking me wrong. That black car... it is following us since the auditorium." he pointed
I frowned twisting my body to look at the traffic behind us. Yes, there was a black car. But who will follow me? As I kept watching the car was overtook by the other cars. 'Trailing us' my foot. He is a creep. I didn't give him a tip upon reaching and ran inside her apartment building as quickly as I could.
The rundown building of her apartment feels like an inferno in the summer and right now it felt like a snowflake would fall on my feet any minute. I knocked on Helen's door with my fist. When she finally opened the door I gasped.
Helen looked completely disoriented, her hair was pointing in different directions, her clothes were wrinkled. And she had dark circles around her eyes. Not even bothering to invite me in, she just strolled inside. I got myself in clicking the lock behind us.
Helen was half laying on the couch in an uncomfortable position. Empty cups and food plates were littered around the table. Gingerly, I sat on the chair across her. Hopefully, this will end up soon and I can go back to my Gian.
"Helen.." I shook her shoulder lightly.
"Can you refill this?" She shoved the hot pack towards me and I had no other way but to comply. Climbing over the stuff scattered on the floor. The carpet was worn to the point I could see the wooden flooring beneath. There were dark blotches smeared on top. Whilst the apartment needed some serious restoration or downright demolition, this mess was on Helen alone.
When I noticed the havoc in the kitchen, my fury surged. This has to be a week's worth of mess. She was just good two days ago. Disgusted, I quickly refill the pack with hot water. Just wanting to go out of here.
Helen jumped into a sitting position when I handed her the hot pack and placed it over her stomach, letting out a relieved sigh. I fumbled with the straps of my handbag, contemplating how to say that I wanted to leave.
"Sit, Zara. Get yourself comfortable." She offered groggily. "I'm glad you came. I needed someone to talk to."
I crossed my arms over my middle, tapping my foot.
"I think David is cheating on me." Well, that's new. "Didn't you hear me, Zara? David is cheating on me because I am not having sex with him." Her voice suddenly went back to her usual tone.
My head snapped towards her and my body automatically plopped down on the dirty couch that must have not been vacuumed in years as a small cloud of dusting clouded around me.
I clear my throat, fishing for more details I ask. "I thought you didn't believe in 'waiting like a fucking prudent hop in the bed.' " I quote her.
"Yeah..." She chuckled humorlessly, fidgeting with the tassel on the cushion. "But David is a fossil. He asked me out on a date and kissed me only after our third date." A smile crept on my face as she rolled her eyes at the same time.
I gnash my teeth, unable to hide my anger I snapped at her "Perhaps you should be a little respectful towards him and talk about him with a little respect."
Her swollen eyes widen a fraction, appalled at my outburst. "Whatever, Zara. That doesn't justify cheating." She shrilled, making a nasal noise.
"Why didn't you confront him when you saw him with other women," I ask a little gently, swallowing the bile. In my mind, I know that I will attempt inflicting physical harm to any woman who touches my Gian. But I know that I'll just fall apart if it ever happened.
"Because I didn't see him cheating, Zara. Do you think I'll just sit back and let it happen if it ever had come to it?" She threw. Defeated, I slumped back on the couch.
"Helen, please. get to the point. I had a very long day, with no one else to help me exactly. I just want to go home. Please tell me." I pleaded with her, feeling like all the energy has drained off my body.
"Fine." She huffed like I am an annoyance to her. "So we had been dating for a while.. as per my standards." She added. "It was time we had sex. But my periods came last minute." She laughed maniacally. I have heard the nightmare of her periods.
"So, I had to say no. He cuddled with me all night and we watched a movie..." Why do I feel like I have heard this before? Cuddling, watching movies, and then nothing.
"Sounds good." I interjected.
"Yeah... too good to be true. It's been 7 days already. He works extra hours, kisses me all the time, and nothing... Tell me. Tell me if that doesn't raise suspicions." She said scandalously, wiggling her brows at me.
"Sex is not that important when feelings are involved." I said carefully. Advocating Gian and my relation.
"You seriously can't be that naive, Zara. Men like David or any men... They need sex, they can't function properly without it. Hell, I can't function properly without it. He is successful, girls throw themselves at him because of his wealth and I am not fooling myself here." She threw her hands in the air.
"If that's the truth, why didn't he broke up with you. Why staying in a relationship and come to you after just to kiss and cuddle. Why waste time when he not getting sex in the end" I yelled, throwing my hands in the air mimicking her frustration. My heart thumped loudly against my chest in anxiety. I breathed like I was out of air.
"Comfort, babe." She winked, giving a slow shake of her head. "Comfort. For him, I am a safe option. A warm body to snuggle with after a hefty long day at work when they don't have any energy left to get it up." She said distastefully pointing to her crotch. As if I am seriously that naive to not understand what she is talking about.
Her phone chimed, a flicker of hope lit inside me. It died when she read what the text said. "He is working late. And here I was actually beginning to have feelings for him. I should have constricted to one night stands, Zara. Men are pigs." She slumped on the couch.
"If he was that sex craved. He could have asked you for shower sex. Many people don't mind the blood." I tried to reason with her, heat crawled up as I spilled those dirty words.
Her brows shot up in surprise. "And here I thought you were a total nun." She chuckled, throwing the pillow at me. Catching the pillow I glower at her, making her laugh harder. Then she winced as a wave of cramp got to her.
"Oh, Zara. You are suggesting that because you haven't seen him. He has a big belly. We can't fuck against the bathroom walls.." She rolled her eyes. "Anyways, good night. I'm feeling drowsy." She said yawning, hopping off the couch. "Is the couch good for you?" I nodded absentmindedly.
I began to feel the shivers running down my spine. My feet began to get numb. I regain the sensations by wiggling my toenails. And walked to her balcony. It was also in a bad condition. With no flower pots and only a faded folding chair was leaning to the railing.
My gaze drifted to the street below me. My careless fleeting stopped as I noticed the black car. I squinted my eyes to focus properly, It seemed like a man with a huge built had been sitting inside. I shake the scandalous feeling away. That cab driver had been a creep, why would anybody follow me.? Or even sit in his car doing nothing after trailing me all the way back here.
My gaze shifted from the car and found five more black cars in the neighborhood. I chuckle at my stupidity and headed back to the house, closing the door to the balcony. Helen hadn't come back to give me a blanket and judging by her careless nature she has already forgotten and in the morning she will only say 'Whoops.!'
Not wanting to hail a cab or face Gian when my emotions were getting the best of me. I removed my jacket and draped it over me like a blanket, and curled into a ball on the dirty couch.
What If, Gian also feels the same way. I had never even thought of bringing up that we should be exclusively dating. I haven't even put a label on us or even the thought of doing it clicked me. I had simply decided things for both of us.
What if he wants more. Even I am beginning to crave him more than just kissing. I snuggled into the jacket coiling my body and I suddenly realized the signs that had been always there. The shower running early morning, the way he shifts uncomfortably, or when he sometimes just parts his leg like he is in pain. Daftly, I used to hand him pillows to get comfortable.
How am I doing to talk about this with him? Tell him that I am so silly that I didn't think he would have needs... What if Helen's...
Nope. I shake my head. Gian isn't like that. I am not gonna let Helen's crazy thought process get me. But...
I read the message again which Gian had texted. A lone tear fell from my eyes. Regretting a lot of things and decisions I have made in the past few weeks. To be here. Sleep on this health-hazardous couch instead of being in Gian's welcoming arms. I closed my eyes, remembering his touch. Thinking about his warm brown eyes, I lulled to sleep.
*****
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