Sirius sighed and stepped away from the window, feeling more tired than he would have thought possible. He knew the exhaustion had little to do with his restless night or the twisted dreams that had chased him from sleep, though he supposed nothing about that was helping. But it was not what was making his very bones feel heavy. It was not what was making him wish he could just lie down and not get up again for a good long while. It was not what was making him wonder if maybe he had been a fool to come back to this house at all.
What was causing that was what he had just seen out the window. He hadn't been spying. Or rather, he hadn't meant to be spying and he certainly had made an effort not to overhear them, a feat made easier by the closed windows that muffled their voices, but... But he had woken up alone. Not that this was out of the ordinary and after so many years perhaps he should have been used to it but it had made him wonder if perhaps he had just dreamed the night before. If seeing her, touching her... if it had all just been in his head. And that... that thought was almost unbearable.
So, naturally, he'd gone looking for her, admittedly with absolutely no idea what he would do if he found her. All he'd known was that he had to see her. Had to be sure it was real. She was real. Whatever the hell last night had been was real.
Of course, he'd barely done more than stand up from the couch when he'd heard them talking outside. He couldn't make out any words, and he didn't want to either. He'd just... wanted to see her. Just to convince himself. So, naturally, he'd looked out the window, hoping just to catch a quick glimpse of her.
He had not expected to see what he had nor had he expected the feelings and memories it brought about.
It had been like running headfirst into a brick wall. And not the kind with a magical portal disguised within it.
It wasn't that there was anything particularly remarkable about the scene he'd stumbled upon. Indeed, it was how utterly unremarkable it was that had made the breath leave his lungs all too quickly.
Lavinia and Remus had just been sitting there, one arm around each other looking... looking comfortable. At ease. Not happy really, nor content, but... but they had looked like two people who had weathered all the storms of the world and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that each person would always be there for the other. They looked like two people who had loved and lossed and done so together. Who had forged the kind of bond that did not fade, no matter what happened.
And Sirius supposed they had. Everything had gone to shit twelve years ago and they had been the only two left standing in the remains of the life they'd had. And they had rebuilt it together. They had weathered the storm and made it through together. They had moved on. Together.
And standing there, seeing them, it had struck Sirius for perhaps the first time just what he had missed. And just what he had interrupted.
It had struck him utterly dumb and he'd just stood there, watching for a long long moment until now. And now, with his heart and head catching up to each other... he had to turn away, had to look elsewhere. Had to sit down as he realized exactly what he had lost on that awful day twelve years ago.
In truth, it actually explained a lot of Lavinia's anger yesterday. Not that she hadn't still said some things that he didn't at all understand and wasn't about to forget. Nor did it excuse all the mistakes she had made, especially where Harry was concerned, but the anger, the rage, that pain he had seen springing up out of seemingly nowhere... it did explain some of that. Because seeing them there, looking so... normal... he realized that she had been right about at least one thing. The world had fallen apart twelve years ago. And she and Remus had been left to put back the pieces. So they had. And the result was far from perfect, but they had put them back all the same and Lavinia hadn't expected to have them thrown in her face. Much less by him.
Because of course, this life, this mosaic made out of those pieces and new ones she had found along the way... this was something she had clearly fought for. She and Remus both. And, he supposed, it was something she had grown accustomed to. Something she didn't like having interrupted out of the blue.
And he had interrupted it. With no warning at all he had simply been in her house and she... she had gone from a normal day in a normal life to being faced with the mess of every mistake either of them had ever made. And it was understandable that she had been hurt. That she had been angry. That she hadn't thought things through, because when would she have done so?
But that was only half of what knocked Sirius's knees out from under him. The other thing, the worse thing, was the reality of what he had missed. What he had lost that day years and years ago, without even realizing it.
Because he should have been there. He should have been a part of this peaceful life by the sea. Should have been there to help them both put back the pieces. Should have been there to make something of whatever had been left after everything had fallen apart. And he hadn't been. And this life... he had missed out on this. He had missed out on their easy camaraderie. On friends who were loving and loyal enough to not question when Lavinia showed up at their door with a child. On early mornings on the porch that meant nothing and everything.
And that night... he had lost all that too. As if James and Lily hadn't been enough. As if his freedom hadn't been enough. As if all of it hadn't been price enough to pay for trusting Peter. For not being the secret keeper as he should have been. But no. The world demanded more. And that night, without ever realizing it, he had lost Lavinia too. He had lost a future that wasn't perfect, but that was good. That was steady and... and normal. Which meant he had really, truly lost everything that night. Everything.
And he didn't know if he could ever get any of it back.
With a sigh, Sirius flopped back against the cushions of the couch, rubbing his eyes with his hands and resisting the urge to just lie back down altogether. He needed to be awake and alert for the rest of today. For the rest of his life, probably, since he would be spending it on the run. But more immediately... he needed to talk to Lavinia. In a civil and logical manner. Because like it or not, they both cared about Harry. And they needed to do what was best for him.
Sirius, obviously, couldn't take him in because he was on the run, though for that half evening when he had thought he could... he had been so happy to think that James's son would be in his life. That he could tell that boy all about his best friend who had been the best man he'd ever met. Who had been his brother. His rock. His everything.
But he'd lost that chance now thanks to Peter. He'd lost a lot thanks to Peter and that... that was another thing he wanted to talk to Lavinia about. It was far less necessary, obviously, and at the end of the day, if they didn't... it wouldn't make much of a difference to anyone but themselves. But he wanted to talk about it. He wanted to understand how the hell she could forgive the man who had stolen everything from him. From them. Even if he was starting to realize, that Lavinia and Remus... well they hadn't really lost everything. So much, too much, yes, but... but what he'd seen this morning as proof enough that there had been something left.
Of course, even putting that aside, Sirius knew that Lavinia had always been capable of forgiving things he would never have been able to let go. Knew that she had been willing to take both literal and metaphorical beatings and somehow still found a way to love people but this... this seemed to Sirius to be a step further. A step too far.
Because what Peter had taken... What Peter had destroyed...
Everything.
And even if he dismissed that problem, at least temporarily, they still needed to talk. Because, of course, something needed to be done about Harry. And whether or not either of them had really acted like it at all in the past twelve years, they were both still the child's godparents. So they were the ones who needed to figure out what was best and Sirius was utterly convinced that staying with those awful muggles was not at all what was best. That Lavinia could think it was... well. Another thing they needed to talk about.
And that conversation needed to be soon. Not just because Sirius didn't want Harry left in a bad situation for any longer than he could help it, but also because he knew that no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't stay here for long. The Ministry would come knocking and in case he hadn't already known, this morning proved just how much Lavinia and Remus stood to lose if they were caught helping him. Because of course, they had lives. They had friends and people who relied on them and he... he would not jeopardize that. No matter how much he wished he could just snap his fingers and become a part of that peaceful life he had just glimpsed. A part of her life. As he always should have been.
And that... that was a whole other problem Sirius hadn't even begun to consider because... because Merlin, it had felt so good, so right, to hold her hand last night. And that brush of his fingers on her face... it had taken all of his self control not to do something incredibly stupid. Like hug her. Or kiss her. Or beg her on hands and knees to forgive him. To give him another chance. Just one more chance.
But he hadn't. Because it wasn't fair to her. And it wasn't fair to him. It was bad enough that he hadn't been able to stop himself from asking her to stay. Because it was all complicated and messy and the look on her face when she'd first seen him in her house... it hadn't been joy. It hadn't even been relief. So he had made himself do the smart thing. The right thing. And now that choice had been confirmed because seeing her there with Remus, it was clear that she... she had moved on. She had a life. And he wasn't a part of it. Perhaps he could be, in the future. If things changed. If they both put aside their pride. But right now...
"I didn't think you'd be up this early," said a voice from across the room, causing Sirius to jump slightly, his hands falling from his face to see Remus closing the front door behind him. He glanced around, expecting to see Lavinia either right behind Remus, or else already in the house. Every bit of him was tensing at the prospect, his heartbeat going a million miles an hour because he didn't know what to say to her. Not after yesterday. Not after last night.
"She's still outside," Remus murmured gently, apparently reading Sirius's glances.
Sirius deflated slightly, leaning back against the couch cushions, cursing himself for being so obvious about his nerves. He heard Remus's footsteps and then a sigh as the couch next to him depressed slightly and Sirius wondered suddenly at just how often Remus had been the calm, reasonable presence in both his and Lavinia's lives when they had both felt too much and thought too little.
Or maybe Lavinia thought too much, he reasoned. Thought so much she twisted herself into circles and it was as bad as not thinking at all. Or maybe... maybe she really had meant what she'd said yesterday. Maybe she really did believe all those things.
"Yesterday was an anomaly," Remus informed Sirius gently, as though reading his concerns in his tense face. "I doubt she will yell at you again. But," he added, tipping his head slightly as Sirius watched him, wondering vaguely how Remus knew that Sirius planned to try talking to her again. "I can't speak to anything else."
Sirius nodded and sighed, sinking a little further into the cushions. "I know," he admitted. He hadn't really expected Remus to be able to assure him of any of his other concerns. Like whether or not she would forgive him. Or hate him. Or love him. "I get it," he added when the silence started to stretch.
Remus hummed for a moment, then looked away, towards the door to where Lavinia presumably was and Sirius frowned at his friend's odd reaction.
"I'm not entirely sure you do," Remus murmured quietly, as though afraid Lavinia might overhear through the door. Sirius raised his eyebrows, looking at Remus with frank skepticism he didn't bother to hide. It seemed a bit of an assumption for Remus to just flat out say that he didn't understand. Sirius rather thought that he did. She had been - and was - hurt. She had been caught by surprise and the events of twelve years ago were hardly happy memories.
But Remus just sighed, his shoulders dropping as he saw Sirius's expression. "I don't think either of you are doing a particularly good job of understanding each other right now," he clarified. "And," he added, perhaps seeing the frown creasing Sirius's brow, "I am not going to speak for her. You two need to talk."
Sirius watched his friend for a long moment, reading the quiet grief in those eyes, the shadow in them that spoke to those things that Sirius apparently didn't understand. And he realised that Remus was probably right, at least a little bit. Because Sirius hadn't been there. He hadn't seen it. And he was just now realizing that somehow... somehow it hadn't occurred to him that Lavinia's grief might have been just as wild and violent as his had been. That his life had fallen apart that night, but so had hers. That they had both lost everything and been tossed into some spinning abyss and the only real difference was that Lavinia had been given the chance to get out. To rebuild. But that didn't mean the storm hadn't been hell to bear.
It was perhaps the suddenness of this thought that made the next words slip out of his mouth entirely without his permission. "How bad was it?" he asked and then, realizing what he had just said, he found himself holding his breath, not at all sure he wanted to hear the answer.
Remus just looked at him for a long, long moment, seeming to assess him, to consider whether or not to answer at all. But then he sighed and turned away. "Bad," he said simply. "And anything more than that is hers to tell."
Sirius nodded vaguely, a cold sort of feeling trickling through him, less at the words, and more at the tone Remus said them with, the quiet grief and worry that laced them and a breath of something like relief. Like he was more glad than he could ever say that those days were over. That she - that they - had survived.
And as Remus stood up and made for the kitchen, Sirius was again struck by realization that he, like her, it seemed, hadn't properly considered what it had been like for the other person. And he didn't understand how. How had he not thought of this? How had he not remembered what her pain had been like before? How how how?
He could kick himself now, but somehow he had never consciously considered just how bad things might have been in those days. Of course he knew she had been hurt, but he had always thought of it in broader terms. And now, hearing Remus's words, his tone... it made Sirius remember just what Lavinia's grief and pain had looked like in the past. And it made him realize that Remus was right. Sirius did not understand. But that didn't mean that he couldn't.
Luckily, perhaps, Lavinia seemed to be of a similar mind when she stepped through the door and closed it behind her, taking rather longer than was strictly necessary to turn around. She looked at him for a long, long moment, her throat bobbing slightly.
Then, the words quiet but not at all meek, she said, "We need to talk."
A/N: So you know that feeling after you read a textbook or other very dense material, where your brain just feels like it's been liquified? Well I just did 36 pages of dense ass social psych reading and I now am in possession of a brain smoothie that's not very useful. All I seem to be able to do right now, is spout the definition of the Heuristic-Systematic Model of Attitude Change. And thank god I can do that, because it was on the quiz I took five minutes ago lol. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if this chapter made no sense, it's bc my brain it very fried and I blame social psychology.
Fun side story: I drove back from the mountains today and holy shit the conditions were awful. It was snowing like crazy over the pass, but the road was warm so it was just accumulating as slush and idk if y'all have ever driven in slush but it suuuuucks. Also our ABS doesn't really work, which is not helpful. Still I only fish tailed once so I'm calling it a success lol.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!