Lavinia barely slept the rest of that night. Not that she tried particularly hard. Or at all.
She didn't know how long it took her to finally stand up and drop Sirius's hand, but her limbs were stiff and sore from sitting on the hard table when she eventually did. And then she didn't want to go back to sleep because the bed would feel empty and the image of him would haunt her as it had early and that feeling of his hand on her face and his fingers laced with hers... She couldn't bear it.
So instead, she did what she always did when the nights were long and hard and she simply stepped outside, sitting herself down on the front porch and looking out at the horizon and the speckling of stars visible despite the light of a nearly full moon. And there she stayed, letting the sight of the stars steady her, letting the endlessness of the horizon and that night sky remind her that she was small and insignificant and that the world would move on. That she would move on. That she was wonderfully impermanent and so too were her problems.
Perhaps it was a morbid thought, but it had always been strangely comforting to Lavinia and it was no different now as she watched the sky slowly lightening and reminded herself that this too would pass. Like everything else, it would pass. It might hurt like hell and it might be confusing and complicated and when the time came, it might be over too soon, but it would pass.
Because the truth was that sitting there next to him, watching him fall asleep, listening to the rhythm of his breathing... she had remembered, really truly remembered, for perhaps the first time in those twelve long years, what it had felt like to love him. She had remembered the man she had known, the one she had fallen in love with. The one she had wanted to marry. The man who fought for his friends. Who fought for her. The one who laughed wild and free and felt with every piece of his heart. The one who cared. Even when caring hurt, even when it had driven him out of his mind, he had cared with a kind of ferocity Lavinia had never seen in anyone else.
And she had loved him for it.
The problem, she realized, sitting there under the fading stars, was that she didn't know if she could anymore. Not just whether or not she could love him as a whole, but whether or not she could love that wild heart because it was that caring, that wild, fierce caring, that had caused him to leave, had caused him to hunt down their friend. Because that heart had been broken and the ferocity, the vehemence with which it had loved and lost... Lavinia truly could imagine what it had felt like, even if she wished she couldn't. Because of course, that was part of what had made them such a good match. They had both felt so much.
But Lavinia's heart had always been the softer sort, the kind that loved with a quiet, gentle strength where Sirius's had been so wild and fierce. So her heart had been the candle to his wildfire, but at the end of the day, they had both burned.
And maybe she should have known, should have seen it coming, but those days when everything had fallen apart... it was perhaps the first time Lavinia had seen just how destructive that fire could be. Just how much a fierce heart could hurt and burn and tear. And Sirius's had. He had raged and burned and wanted some outlet, somewhere to lay the blame.
But Lavinia... Lavinia had let her own heart flicker and go out.
And that difference... that difference somehow mattered. Somehow changed things.
Which was worse, she realized. It was worse to know that the questions, the hesitation, the complicated caveats on the love she'd once thought would be easy and eternal, were not because Sirius was really, truly different. And it wasn't because she was really truly different. Though she knew they had both changed, at their core they were still who they had always been. And it hurt like hell to realize that even knowing that, even with that small bit of assurance, she still couldn't bring herself to love him. To trust him.
Not when she had seen what he was capable of. Not when she knew the darker side of that ferocity she had once loved. Not when he had lied and left and let that burning hatred overcome him until there was nothing but ashes left around him.
Lavinia sighed, wishing, even as she knew it was useless and foolish, that she could go back to when things had been simpler between them. To when she hadn't known what happened when things fell apart. To when she hadn't questioned what got lost or abandoned when things went wrong. To when she had loved him simply and easily and with every beat of her heart.
But she couldn't go back. She couldn't undo what had happened or what she had learned. And the reality of that... it wasn't at all pleasant to realize that the love she had once had for him... it was nothing more than a memory. A fool's dream. A shadow of a time she couldn't get back no matter how hard she wished and hoped and prayed.
But even so, even knowing that... for just this one last night... she still did.
The sun was staining the sky red and orange and pale pink when Remus sat down next to Lavinia on the steps of the porch, watching the colorful horizon with her. Lavinia might have commented or been surprised, but... but it was Remus. And after the disaster of yesterday, she was just glad to have a few moments alone with him. A few simple moments in which to breathe. And apologise.
"I didn't expect you back so soon," Remus murmured softly after a long moment and Lavinia knew he was referring to their brief encounter in the halls last night. Actually, the comment made her feel slightly guilty because she was far from proud of the fact that she had taken even as long as she had to come back.
But she merely hummed her acknowledgement and sighed. "Right back at you," she countered, tearing her eyes from the sky to look at him. His face was lined and nearly as tired as it had been yesterday for all that he'd had the night to sleep and Lavinia wondered if he, like her, hadn't been able to quiet the memories long enough to snatch more than moments of rest.
"A lot of things happened," Remus replied after a moment, answering her unasked questions of why, exactly, he was home earlier than planned. "The full moon, mostly," he explained with a long, heavy sigh that had Lavinia's heart sinking into the pit of her stomach. "It's a long story," he added with a nervous little laugh and a shake of his head.
Lavinia watched him for a moment, wishing she knew what to say, how to make this better. How to erase the tension and guilt she could read in his features. "I have time," she replied eventually.
Remus glanced at her, an unreadable expression on his face and Lavinia wondered for a moment if perhaps he didn't want to talk about it. If she should have asked if he wanted to say anything. But then he let out a long breath, his shoulders slumping slightly, and told her everything. He told her about a map that showed everyone in Hogwarts, which explained more than a few things about her late nights at school, about how Harry had had that map and had told him that Peter had shown up on it. About how Remus had confiscated the map and used it to keep an eye on Harry. About how he had seen Sirius drag Harry's friend and Peter into the shrieking shack and watched as Harry and another friend had followed. About the chaos of finding out that Sirius was innocent and Peter was both alive and guilty and how Peter had begged for his life.
He stumbled here, glancing at Lavinia with a heartbroken sort of look on his face. "We wouldn't have listened," Remus admitted softly, guilt in his eyes. "Sirius and I... We would have done it. Harry was the one who stepped in. He said... he said James wouldn't have wanted it."
Lavinia looked away, her heart twisting and aching to know that not only had she been right about Sirius, but Lupin... gentle, quiet Lupin, would have gone right on along with it. Because of course, Lupin too had been hurt by Peter's actions. And Lupin too valued loyalty above so much else. And it killed her to know that he too would have turned his wand on a man he had once called his friend.
"He was right," she managed after a long, tense pause, the words a bit strangled coming out because half of her wanted to offer Remus the forgiveness she could see his gaze wishing for. And the other half couldn't give it. At least not right now.
Remus sighed and nodded and there was silence for another moment before he resumed his story and told her how they had bound Peter, intending to take him to the castle, to clear Sirius's name, but then everything had gone wrong and Remus hadn't taken his potion and he'd transformed and the next thing he knew he was in the hospital wing, listening to the Minister of Magic himself lament the escape of Sirius Black along with a very vehement Severus Snape who seemed to think he had been personally cheated by none other than Harry himself.
"The next day," Remus continued with a sigh, his eyes fixed out on the horizon, "The whole school knew what I was - am. So I packed up and left early. There was no point in dealing with the leaving feast, anyway." He finished with a shrug that did little to disguise the hurt and disappointment Lavinia could see in his eyes and on his face.
But she didn't have the words to comfort him and her tongue seemed glued in place as she shook her head, her heart breaking for her friend, for the pain and stress she knew such a night would have caused him. Even setting aside the revelations about his old friends, his transformations had always been a source of shame at best and at worst... well. Lavinia knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that guilt would have hit her friend hard for the people he had put in danger. And ridiculous though it was, she was sure he would blame himself for it. For not taking the potion, for believing that the entire situation could ever have worked in the first place. And she didn't have the words to explain to him how wrong he was because all of them had been said before and most had been repeated to the point of uselessness. So she just shifted herself closer to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, the slight pressure there saying what he tongue could not.
"I'm sorry, Vin," he murmured after a moment, his voice quiet and strained.
Lavinia sighed and shook her head, leaning it against his shoulders. "There is nothing at all to be sorry for," she replied softly. Which was true. Except for perhaps his willingness to condemn Peter to death, but... But even that, she didn't need to hear the apology for because she knew it was there. She had seen it in his eyes, heard it in his voice when he'd confessed to the urge in the first place. And as for the rest of it... Well. As far as she was concerned, it wasn't his fault. None of this was his fault. Beside which, there was a part of her that was terribly, selfishly glad to have him home again.
But Remus, predictably, just shook his head, evidently not believing her for a moment. Lavinia pulled away from him slightly, pinning her gaze to his face, which still looked out at the horizon. "There is nothing to be sorry for," she repeated, a bit more fiercely.
Remus turned to look at her, his expression strained as though he was trying, and failing, to keep the guilt from it. "There were so many students, childre, I could have - I almost -" He broke off and shook his head, his face twisting slightly like he was fighting tears as his gaze returned to the horizon.
Lavinia squeezed his shoulders slightly in both comfort and reprimand. "You made an honest mistake, Remus. It was a crazy night, not taking that potion is not your fault. And the rest of it..." She shook her head and sighed, the tired resigned sound of a person who has made an argument before and has little hope of it succeeding this time, but will still speak it anyway. "I have never and will never ask you to apologise for your condition, Remus. Because it is not your fault."
Remus closed his eyes for a moment before finally turning back to look at her, a quiet gratitude there that warmed Lavinia's heart ever so slightly, as he murmured. "You're too good to me."
But she just shook her head, denying "If anything, I'm the one who should be apologizing," she sighed, looking away from Remus for a moment. "I was awful yesterday. And I'm sorry."
Remus sighed and was quiet for a moment. "It was understandable," he murmured eventually. "Even if it was a bit... heated."
Lavinia snorted at the delicate phrasing. "That's one word for it," she muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Alright fine," Remus conceded drily, "You were both absolutely awful. But," he added, a bit more gently, "I haven't forgotten what it was like twelve years ago either. I haven't forgotten how much he hurt you. How much he hurt both of us. And, Vin?" he continued, waiting until she met his eyes before finishing, "You are under no obligation to forgive him. Much less ever feel the way you used to."
Lavinia held her friend's gaze for a long, long moment, only realizing now that he had said it how much she had needed to hear those words. To be reminded that she didn't have to pretend it had never happened, didn't have to forgive him. Didn't have to love him. That there was no shame and no guilt in having moved on. In still moving on, even if he was now back. Even if she now had a choice.
"Thank you," she whispered and Remus nodded before holding his arm out for her. Lavinia tucked herself beneath it, leaning against him, glad that he was home, despite the circumstances. And glad that no matter how much everything felt like it was going to hell, this had not changed. Because it never had. And Lavinia could only hope that it never would.
A/N: Oof guys. Today was one of Those Days. You know the ones where, like, you've been doing well and feeling like a normal person (or what I think normal people feel like) and then the mental illness pops up and is like 'yo long time no chat. let's get reacquainted'. Yeah. And it probably didn't help that the house was empty almost all day bc my dad was on a bike ride from about 10-5pm (which is normal, to be fair) and my mom and brother were on a hike form 10-3pm. And to be clear, that's totally fair and they have lives and I in no way blame them bc obviously it's no ones fault that my brain sometimes decides that it's not a fan of dopamine, but empty house and Depression Days (TM) are a no bueno combo. So, like the healthy coper I am, I spent 5ish hours lying in bed in the basement watching the Great British Bake Off and not having the energy to move. And I felt a bit better, actually, bc that show is wholesome as all hell and also weighed blankets will do wonders for all of life's problems. So yeah. That's what I did with my day lol. Hopefully y'all were a bit more productive or at least a bit less blah, but as y'all know, I try to be honest on here cause I think it's valuable to have real accounts of mental illness. So yeah. That existed. And now I'm a bit more energetic, with the help of actually eating meals and also some M&Ms and cheddar and sour cream chips, which are fabulous, but we'll be sleeping soundly tonight lol.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!