A/N: Hello guys back with another update to the story, sorry for not updating for a while but I was really stuck on how to write this story and what direction to go in and with that being said, thank you to Hvitserk100 for helping me with this one and for helping with Save Me as well.
Alright guys you already know it's gonna be dark so let's just get right into it.....
Ant's POV
I sat on the bed still holding Dec in my arms as he slept cuddled against me with his head resting on my collarbone, it had taken quite some time to calm him after Simon's outburst and then when I had finally managed it I had checked his heartrate again and to my dismay and ever growing guilt it had gone up again.
I felt him shift a little and then he sighed in his sleep before he wrapped an arm around my waist, I hissed a little as his arm made contact with the new wounds on my stomach and he twitched in his sleep in response.
I was quick to hush him, "Easy kidda everything's fine go back to sleep now."
Dec sighed in his sleep and then his body relaxed as he slipped under once more, I took one look at his face he was still so pale and he looked so fragile like he was made of glass. My heart twisted painfully in my chest Declan was always getting hurt because of my actions; leaving him really was for the best.
I sighed again and continued to hold him as I recalled the looks David and Simon had given me when they had left the room after they realized that I wasn't going to talk to them; my friends were tired of me and I couldn't really blame them.
I was tired of me too. I was tired of being this, tired of being a worthless, pathetic, screw-up who always hurt the people I loved.
I felt that overwhelming storm of emotions washing over me again and I felt the first signs of a tremor as my leg started to twitch involuntarily, I acted quickly and put Dec back down on the bed praying he wouldn't wake up as I stood up.
He groaned a little and I was sure I heard a weak little "Anth" but then his body went slack again and he continued to sleep.
The tremors and emotions were getting worse now and I quickly moved towards the restroom shutting the door as quietly as possible and walking over to the sink pulling the small blade out of my pocket as I rolled my shirt up.
Simon's POV
I sat down on Ant's bed feeling frustrated and disgusted with myself, I shouldn't have yelled at Ant; yes I was angry but yelling at him wasn't going to solve anything in fact it had made it worse and my heart ached in my chest as I recalled the hurt look he had given me and how his voice had been even worse sounding rough and cracking like he was trying hard not to cry as he had said the words that still sent a pain through my chest.
"It's fine Simon it's only me after all I deserve it."
"It's alright Simon it was my fault just like always."
I felt my heart twist again and bile rising up in my throat at the memory, the words had been delivered with a shrug of his shoulders as if he wasn't affected by them however I had been able to clearly hear the pain in them. Ant had truly believed those words; he truly believed he deserved to be yelled at and that he had somehow caused all of this.
As soon as I had realized exactly how much he meant those words I had apologized again and continued trying to get him to talk to me for almost an hour while he continued to comfort Declan who had cried himself back to sleep in Ant's arms.
Ant had refused to talk me in fact he barely spoke at all save for an occasional, "Hush Declan" or "Easy Kidda" he had said those words quite a lot and each one was like a dagger in my already aching heart, I had been the one who had frightened Dec and the memory made another wave of self loathing wash over me.
What were we going to do now? Stephen was dying, Dec was having problems, and now Ant was on the verge of a complete breakdown and to make matters worse I had lost my temper with him and destroyed any chance I may have had of getting him to talk to me; what a mess this was all turning into.
I heard the door open and I glanced up to see Alesha leading Amanda back into the room. Amanda looked a little better than she had earlier but I could still tell she was sad and upset and Alesha didn't look much better. They both had a sad worried look on their faces and I couldn't help feeling responsible both for their sadness and for this whole awful mess we had found ourselves in the middle of.
I was failing everyone lately no matter how hard I tried, I had yelled at Ant, and upset Declan, and now Amanda and Alesha were barely holding it together after less than 24 hours, and of course let's not forget the fact that I had made one of my boys feel so unwanted that he had resorted to attempting suicide.
I was supposed to be looking after everyone I was the boss and that meant it was my job and yet here I was failing every time I turned around, oh god what was I going to do?
I desperately hoped we would all make it through this but what if we didn't? What if we lost Stephen? Or Ant? Or Dec? Or worse all three?
None of us would ever recover from a loss like that we were all one big family and even the thought of losing even one member made my stomach churn and my heart ache, we couldn't lose our boys we just couldn't.
I felt the bed dip next to me and I looked over to see David giving me a sad look that was full of worry very similar to the looks on the girls, I wanted to tell him to not worry that we would all make it through this but I couldn't, I couldn't bear to give him false hope.
I looked away from him burying my face in my hands and I felt David wrap an arm around my shoulders squeezing gently.
I sighed deeply grateful for the small amount of comfort the one armed hug provided and continued trying to think of a way to fix all of this while silence continued to reign in the room.
We all stayed that way for a while none of us sure what to do or what to say and then after a bit the silence started to grow awkward and uncomfortable and just as David was about to speak we all heard a sudden noise breaking the quite.
It was a quite whimpering and it was coming from Declan's room, I listened intently trying to figure out which one it was and then relaxing when I realized that it was Dec and not Ant making the sound. I sighed again put my head back down I didn't need to do anything Ant would take care of Declan without any interference from us just like he always did.
Everyone stayed quite and we all continued to listen expecting to hear Ant's voice shushing Dec any minute but the whimpers continued and to make it worse I didn't even hear Ant's footsteps let alone his voice; I groaned internally what on earth was going on now?
I shrugged David's arms off and stood up off the bed walking over to the door and then turning to see the other three watching me just as Amanda came up behind me, "Why isn't Ant helping him?" I looked at her and bit my lip shaking my head I wished I had an answer but I didn't and my stomach twisted as Dec's whimpering turned into crying.
I was still upset with myself for upsetting him earlier and while I was afraid I would do the same thing again but I couldn't bear to stand there and listen to him crying like that, I took a deep breath and opened the door glancing around the room and feeling sicker than before as I saw Dec thrashing on the bed and then I realized that the restroom door was closed was that where Ant was hiding?
I saw Amanda walk around me moving towards Dec but I stopped her, "I think Ant might be in the restroom why don't you check on him instead I'll handle Dec, I don't think Ant wants to see me right now."
She looked at me sadly and started to say something but Dec whimpered again and I ignored her and walked over to the bed standing beside it unsure of what to do while Amanda moved towards the restroom door and started knocking lightly on the surface.
Ant's POV
I was so lost in my own pain and thoughts that all I could focus on was the sharp pain that the little blade made as it moved across my stomach and more importantly the fact that with each sting of pain the tremors clamed slightly.
I brought the blade up again and I cringed a little as I felt a different pain, not in my stomach or my arm but my chest, I put the blade down and rubbed at it gently trying to ease the sudden sharp pain.
What on earth was that about? I worried briefly before I remembered that I wasn't going to be around much longer anyway so why worry about it? I shrugged it off and picked up the blade again only to jump as I heard someone gently knocking on the restroom door, oh no what if it was Dec?
I stopped moving listening now hoping that whoever it was would go away but then the knocking started again and my heart froze as I heard another sound filling the room, it was a soft crying and I had no doubt in my mind as to who the crying belonged to.
I moved fast pulling my shirt down over the still bleeding wounds and rinsing the blade before dropping it back in my pocket, my chest started to ache again but I ignored it walking over and opening the door.
I found myself face to face with Amanda again and I sighed heavily, why did it have to be her? I liked Amanda but unfortunately for me she was just like Declan in the way that it was very hard to lie to Amanda and I always felt guilty about it whenever I did, I sighed and begged whoever might be listening that she wouldn't ask me any questions.
I started to ask what was wrong but then I heard it, the quite crying again only now it was getting progressively louder and I frowned as I gestured for her to step aside and I started walking toward the bed only to stop in my tracks as I caught sight of Simon standing by Dec's bed.
He looked at a loss for what to do but I could see that he really wanted to help, I smiled sadly to myself as once again I realized that Dec would be in very good hands once I left him.
Simon could help him he just needed a little bit of guidance, I came closer to the bed stopping a few feet away and watching as Simon brought a hand up running it along Dec's shoulder he didn't notice me so I decided to stay quite and watch.
Simon's POV
I watched Dec for a minute as he cried softly in his sleep and as much as I wanted to help him I wasn't sure of what to do for him, Ant usually took care of him when this happened and I was afraid that Dec might react badly if he woke up to find me instead of his best friend comforting him.
Dec let out a moan that was instantly followed by a fresh wave of tears and for a moment I was reminded of my own son when he had a nightmare and I reacted on instinct bringing a hand up to rub at Dec's shoulder and to my surprise he relaxed slightly and his tears began to slow.
I heard someone let out a quite chuckle next to me and I jumped as I saw Ant standing less than a yard away from Dec's bed watching us both with a look that was a cross between amusement, worry, and something else I couldn't quite make out.
I watched expecting Ant to come closer or to tell me to back away from Dec but instead he just continued to watch, "Ant I..."
He shook his head before he spoke, "It's fine Simon you're doing just fine" I cringed a little at his voice it was that same broken voice from earlier and I saw Amanda looking worried as well; I didn't like that voice.
Dec whined again and turned his head in Ant's direction and I saw Dec's fingers twitch as his hand moved towards Ant, I waited for Ant to come over and grab the hand but he didn't he just continued to watch us. I raised my eyebrows at him my worry increasing dramatically, what the bloody hell was that about?
Dec started to cry again and his fingers twitched even more, he knew Ant was close by and he wanted his best friend; I stood up to move away from him but Ant shook his head and gestured for me to stay put. I started to speak to ask him what was going on but then he came over to stand beside me and crouched down next to me I thought I saw him wince a little and I made a mental note to ask him about it later.
"You're doing fine Simon don't worry, Decky is very easy to comfort."
His voice was very very quite almost like he didn't want Dec to hear it and I was then that I realized that Ant had no intention of comforting Dec this time he was going to let me do it instead, I was pulled out of my thoughts by Ant's fingers around my wrist and then I became even more shocked as he guided my hand up to Dec's hair.
I stiffened this was Ant's job not mine, "Ant no you do it he wants you anyway."
I tried to pull back but Ant held on and he smiled sadly at me before he spoke, "Of course he does he always wants the wrong things, trust me Simon it'll be ok you need to be able to look after him in case this ever happens and I'm not around."
I heard Amanda gasp and again I was left wondering what that was about but I didn't get long to think before Ant pulled my arm again and I found myself with my hand on top of Dec's head.
I stiffened as Ant let go and was about to pull away when I heard Dec sigh and lean into the touch, we all sat still for a minute holding our breath and then sighing in relief as Dec's tears stopped all together and he smiled slightly before cuddling into the pillow and falling asleep again.
Ant's POV
I watched Dec cuddle his pillow calming under Simon's touch and I smiled sadly feeling my heart continuing to break in my chest, Dec was already well on his way to not needing me anymore; it hurt but it was for the best. I stood up from the floor next to Simon and walked away from the bed again being careful to be quite as I took a seat back in the chair on the opposite side of the room.
I looked up to see two sets of eyes watching with me worry and I gave both Amanda and Simon a tired smile, I could see Amanda biting her lip and looking from me to Dec I felt guilty again; Amanda shouldn't be worrying about me.
"Guys it's fine honestly it was just a nightmare he has them sometimes, but all you have to do is run your hand through his hair and he calms pretty quickly."
I cringed at the sound of my voice it was empty and cold good thing Simon had comforted Dec because if Dec had heard my voice he would have been completely freaked out.
Simon and Amanda exchanged a look and just as Simon was about to say something his phone rang, I saw him sigh and shake his head before he pulled it out and answered; he kept his voice low so that he wouldn't wake Dec up as he spoke to whoever was on the line.
I tuned out most of the conversation settling back in the chair to continue watching Dec sleep until it was time to check on him again but I winced as I leaned back and a sharp pain went through my stomach as well as my chest.
I brought my hand up rubbing at my chest again in an attempt to make the pain go away once again wondering what was causing it before I reminded myself that I would be gone soon anyway and then it wouldn't matter.
I saw Amanda watching me with a concerned look on her face and I dropped my hand just as she walked over to me, "Ant are you alright why were you rubbing at your chest? Does it hurt?"
I bit my lip I didn't want her to worry about me I didn't want anyone to worry anymore so I shook my head, "No I'm just stiff from sitting so long I think it's nothing Amanda I'm fine."
She gave me a look and I knew she didn't believe me but I was in no mood to fight with her so I stood up off the chair and walked over to Dec grabbing the monitor as I went.
I saw Simon look at me from one corner of the room before he said goodbye to whoever was on the phone and came over to us, I was shocked to see Simon...smiling? Why was he smiling at me like that?
"Stephen's doctor called.."
I sucked in a breath wincing as my chest hurt again and waited anxiously for Simon to continue.
"He's awake and they said that we can see him now even though it's not visiting hours just yet."
I felt relief wash through me Stephen was awake, he was gonna be alright; I smiled in relief but then I began to feel a little sad because since Stephen was awake now it meant that once Dec was better it would be time for me to go.
I saw Simon and Amanda watching me and I knew they wanted me to say something so I spoke,
"That's great news maybe Stephen can come home soon I know Dec misses him a lot and would love to see him."
I had tried to make my voice as upbeat and as happy as possible but I cringed as I realized that the words had came out in the same cold lifeless voice from earlier, that explained why they were both looking at me with overwhelming amounts of concern.
I sighed and ignored them turning to hook the little cuff on Dec's wrist again and I saw Simon watching me intently, Dec stirred as I laid his wrist back down on the bed and I was quick to hush him by running a hand down his arm.
I saw him smile in his sleep and then he turned his hand over grabbing my fingers as they passed, I felt tears spring into my eyes as I acted on instinct and took his hand in mine holding onto it gently.
My eyes stung more and my vision blurred as he let out a contented little sigh and fell asleep again clutching at my hand, I knew I should pull away from him but I didn't have the heart to do so besides it looked like my time with Dec was nearly up anyway might as well enjoy this last little moment with him.
The cuff beeped and I glanced down I expected to see a red display again but to my immense relief it was actually flashing green, I grinned in relief before removing the cuff with my free hand and tossing it aside.
I saw Amanda and Simon smiling as well and Amanda ran a hand over my shoulders as she spoke, "See Ant everything is fine now I told you Dec would be fine and that everything would work out."
I nodded Amanda was right everything was going to be fine now there was only one thing left to do and it was something that as much as it was going to hurt, it had to be done.
Dec was better and Stephen was awake that meant It was time for me to go, I had to go so that the people I cared about would be safe from me; it was time for me to do what was best for everyone.
A/N: Well guys that's it for this one and I am sorry for the long wait between updates but I have been really focused on Save Me and for those of you that read it thank you so so much for all your support.
Also thank you to everyone who is still reading this story like I know it's getting darker and darker but I promise there is a light at the end of this tunnel so please please bear with me and thank you for all of your unending support it really means the world 💜💜💜
Alright guys as always leave me some feedback and I hope to see you all soon but until then please Stay Safe 💜💜