I don't know what to do
There was a knock on my bedroom door at twelve the next day, I knew it wasn't Will because he doesn't knock, I finished the conversation on the phone with Dan as the figure came in, and just like we planned he had come round when I said. Cameron made his way over to my bed and sat down beside me.
"hey, your mum let me in a said to come straight up."
"yea, I said you were coming round."
"so how have you been coping."
"fine, went over to the cemetery the other day, replaced the flowers."
"you went by yourself?"
"yea, but Dan met me there."
"oright, was going to say you should have come over I would have come with you."
"oh, thanks but I wanted to go by myself for a little bit."
"I see." He smiled
"so how you finding living around here then?"
"oh its fine, quiet compared to London."
"yea I found that when we moved too, but when it comes to Christmas, it aint so quiet, we have parties its quite good."
"oright you'll have to tell me when one of these parties is."
"trust me you will know, the whole neighbour hood knows."
"oright." He laughed then there was another knock on my door.
"yea?" I questioned, the door pushed open and Dan walked in.
"hey baby, mum let me in." He smiled then looked at Cameron and it fell from his face. "you didn't say Cameron was round."
"oh it's okay I'm now going." He said getting up from the bed and then headed for the door. "text me, bye." Then he was gone out the door. Dan sat down on the other side of the bed up against the head board like he always did, I too was leaning up against the headboard
"he does know he didn't have to go."
"I don't know."
"it would be nice to get to know him, considering he was your old best friend and boyfriend."
"yea I know but that was in the past, I can see how much he is trying to make up for it now, so I guess being around your ex girlfriend while she is with her boyfriend must be hard."
"true, anyway you okay now?"
"yea better now, I think, I guess I just missed him that's all." I didn't know what else to say, I still couldn't tell him what was really going on.
Time went by and we talked like we normally did, and then he got closer to me, touching my leg the places where it hurt, I pulled away as he kissed me on the lips. He tried it again and again but each time I pulled away, pushing his hands away from where they were touching me, on my thigh around my waist, all he did was start the pain up all over again.
"what's wrong?"
"nothing."
"don't lie to me, what's wrong?"
"nothing."
"so why are you pulling away for?"
"because" was all I could say
"because what Miya? Its not like it hasn't happened before."
"I know, I just don't want to."
"its Cameron isn't it?"
"no."
"ever since he's been here, we've hardly spoken, we haven't done anything, what do you still love him or something?" He said getting up from the bed
"no, of course I don't."
"well it seems like you do, he always seems to be round here, and your always texting him."
"seriously Dan, I don't love him, after what he did to me, I never will love him again, ever."
"if only I could believe that because when I walked in you seemed pretty cosy and he went straight away, and that's showing signs of a guilty heart." He walked towards the door and opened it "trust me I know, it happened to me with my ex." And then he walked out.
I woke up at 11 the next morning, with no morning texts from Dan, but morning texts from Cameron, was he falling for me again? I had to stop it
One new message to Cameron:
Hey, listen you better not be falling for me again, because you have to see I'm happy and I wont fall for you, I have a boyfriend and you know that and just so you know that you wont change it, you have to understand we will never be the same again, not like we were all them years back.
He didn't reply after that, I pulled myself out of bed and I knew straight away what I was going to be doing today. I walked to the wardrobe stripped of my pyjama's and put on clean underwear. I stood in front of the mirror and took a look at what was printed over my body, bruises everywhere on my thighs next to the red scars, bruises over my belly and sides, two bruises on my wrists, where he had grabbed me. I thought about what day it was, Wednesday mum was at work, Maisy was at her mums, and Will was...was home at lunch, I had the chance to get ready and out the house before he came home, I slid open the doors to my wardrobe and pulled out my shorts, navy Jack Wills cardigan, white vest top and then finally my navy canvas shoes. I got dressed brushed my hair, cleaned my teeth and head downstairs at 11.45, I grabbed a cereal bar out of the cupboard and made sure I had everything I needed in my bag. I was out the door before Will got home, thank goodness.
I made my way to Dans, knocking on the door straight away when I arrived. The street was quiet as I waited and then the door slowly opened.
"hi Miya." Mary said with Ella in here arms.
"hi Mary, is Dan there?"
"yea he is but he said he doesn't want to see you just yet, he said you had an argument."
"yea we did and that's why I'm round here we need to sort it out."
"I don't know, he was really strong with his words when he said he didn't want to see you."
"please Mary let me just speak to him."
"ok but I cant promise anything" she said walking to in front of the stairs and called up to say I was here, she waited for a reply and then told him I was upset but she came back to the door with an apologetic facial expression
"I'm sorry Miya, he said he doesn't want to see you, sorry." She spoke quietly then shut the door in my face. I sat down on the step, and was ready to refuse to leave. A car went passed and pulled into Cameron's drive way, Peter got out of the drivers side and then Cameron got out of the passengers side waving at me as he did, but I ignored him and began to send a text message to Dan.
New message for Dan:
Please can we sort this out, I cant bare to be like this, let me speak to you so I can get everything sorted out please, xxxxxx
One new message from Dan:
What's going to happen, all you are going to do is tell me everything you said yesterday and maybe something worse, why should I see you after everything, like you falling for your ex boyfriend again, and spending more time with him then your actual boyfriend.
Your reply:
No! We need to sort this out please, just let me in, I wont move until you do. Xxxxxx
One new message from Dan:
Why where are you?
Your reply:
I'm sitting on your doorstep and if you don't let me in something bad might happen, xxxxxx
One new message from Dan:
Oh, what do you mean? What are you going to do?
Your reply:
I'm not going to do anything but someone might and if you let me in then it wont happen. Xxxxxx
And then as I sent that text message the door clicked open and I looked up to see him standing there in his jeans and t-shirt. I stood up and he moved out of the way letting me in, then I followed him up the stairs and into his room.
"so what's this all about then?" he said sitting down on the bed
"us." I said staying standing up
"what do you mean us, are you breaking up with me to be with him?"
"hell no, why would I do that for? I love you and you should know that."
"fine, so what is all this that you have to tell me."
"why didn't you want to see me? because if it was about the argument yesterday I will give you an explanation."
"yes because I seriously thought that because you were pulling away all the time, you liked him and I just didn't want to see you because I was upset that me seeing you would bring the time you might break up with me closer, so what's this explanation then?"
"I pulled away because it was hurting."
"what? Me touching you, I was barely doing anything hard."
"I know but" I took a deep breath "you wont believe me."
"Miya just tell me I will." He said sitting forward, I dropped my bag from my shoulder onto the floor, and then pulled my top up. I watched as his facial expression changed from confused to shocked as I unveiled the abuse I had been going through since I got back from holiday
"Will beats me."
"what!" He said reaching for me and pulling me closer so he could get a better look at the bruises.
"he beats me, but you cant tell no one."
"Miya you have to."
"what and risk my mum from getting beaten to death."
"oh, where else has he hurt you."
"well he grabbed my wrists, and my thighs hurt but that's my fault."
"what do you mean its your fault let me see." I dropped my t-shirt and it fell over my stomach again. I made sure the door was shut before pulling down my shorts to reveal the bandage I had put on this morning, I started to unravel it as he stood in disbelief, the bandage was finally off and then I pulled the dressings off carefully revealing the scars that I had made, some still red from the other day.
"Miya you didn't do this to yourself? Please say you didn't."
"I wish I could but it was all I could do to get the pain away from my stomach."
"Miya I wish there was something I could do."
"you and me both Dan." I said as he pulled me closer and I let the tears finally escape after the pain I had suffered.
"your mum home tonight?"
"I don't know proberly not until late."
"well as you know, you can stay whenever or as late as you want." he said hugging me tighter, like he was trying to get it imprinted in my head that he was here for me.
"Dan, can I stay tonight." I said pulling away from his security
"course you can baby, got to babysit Ella and Freddie but that's ok."
"Stop, Please just stop." I called out
"Miya its ok, he's not here." he said gentle rocking me awake from my nightmare he sat up and pulled me closer, I snuggled into his arms and cried back to sleep, hoping that I wasn't going to have another one of them nights again.