I looked around the café and smiled. It had been full the past five nights. People were laughing and having a good time, my mission was accomplished. I looked for Flora and found her grinning at what some guy told her. This was what she had waited for and what she deserved.
It was also what set me free. I could finally leave, travel and make music. Live my dream and prove everybody I could do whatever I wanted to, and never look back anymore. I wouldn't have anything to look back to anyway.
I still wrote a note for Flora, to let her know I was leaving, so she wouldn't be surprised if she noticed I wasn't coming anymore. I wasn't even sure she'd get it, but at least I wouldn't have any more regrets.
This is moving on, I thought as I made my way toward the exit.
I might have felt relieved to leave her so soon. The way she could see right through me was intimidating. I couldn't stand it, even less since she had never known me at my lowest. She had never seen me drunk out of my mind, spitting words about how useless life was and how I shouldn't even be alive anymore. She hadn't seen me getting lost in the streets I knew so well because I'd had too many drinks. And by me leaving, she would never know about all of those things.
Everything could be a secret if you really wanted it to be. Sometimes, I would doubt that. I'd think that if someone knew me inside out, they would be able to help me. So I'd think about letting out my darkest secrets. But then I remembered that the people who knew us better were the ones who ended up hurting us the most and therefore I kept everything for myself, hoping to forget it, eventually.
"Edward, wait!" Someone called from behind me. I stopped dead in my tracks, and slowly turned around.
Flora was standing there, a piece of paper in her hands. Wasn't she the owner of the café she left to dozens of people she didn't know? "You're leaving..." She whispered.
"Well, yes." I simply answered, there was nothing else to say.
"Weren't you going to say goodbye?" Flora tried to smile, but it didn't work. However I would never say it to her. Her smile was amazing and it broke my heart to be the reason why it couldn't curve her lips.
"You were so happy back there, I didn't want to ruin it." I let out. That excuse didn't sound as stupid in my head as it did when I said it out loud.
"You thought that learning you left through a letter wasn't going to ruin it?" She sadly smirked.
"I don't mean that much to you, come on." I tried to joke but it seemed to be more self-pity than anything else.
There was a silence. Not a comfortable one because Flora was staring at me in disbelief.
"Just because you've been let down once doesn't mean it will happen all the time." Her voice was shaking and she had moved closer. "I'm not stupid. I've seen your songs, I've seen you. You are one incredible human being, Ed. I'm sure you're going to become big out there." She added and hugged me. She smelled really good, it somehow reminded me of her own deep green eyes. Ones I'd seen every emotion in. "Know I'll always have a Macchiato ready for you." She whispered before letting go of me, smiling, this time entirely honestly. "And call me if you ever need anything, alright?"
"Thank you." I answered, returning her grin, then slowly walking away as she made her way to her café.
That night, I hardly got any sleep. It was finally it: the beginning of a new chapter, one that would most likely be difficult but in the end, it could either give me what I wanted the most or make me lose all I've built so far.
It was a dilemma. I could still stay here, no one was waiting for me in London. I wouldn't risk anything. Or I could go, and possibly ruin everything. There wasn't many differences between those two choices, but the consequences were really important. After all, life had always been reduced to a win/lose balance.
I hated how doubtful I was getting. I had never thought twice about leaving. It was always what seemed right. What was wrong now? What had changed?
I couldn't find an answer. I might not have wanted to find an answer, because that would have meant I cared about something so much it made me question myself. And last time it happened, it didn't end well. It wasn't even done and over with yet.
I got out of bed and looked around my flat for a while. I would miss it. I knew I would, most of my memories were held between these walls. But I had signed it all away, and by tomorrow I wouldn't have the right to be there anymore.
It may have been the best thing to do. After all, Rose had told me it wasn't healthy to stay here. She might have been right all along. I might have been wrong to push her away, to make her leave me by myself again. I may have been too stubborn to understand that I shouldn't have let myself give up.
Indeed, I had given up a long time ago. I had chased out of my head the idea of ever being myself again, the one I was before meeting her.
I went to the kitchen and stared at the sky. It was all dark, with only a few stars shining through. Ones that were strong enough to pass through the atmosphere and the cloud of pollution.
I wasn't strong. All I'd ever done was push my problems as far as I could until I couldn't escape them anymore. I couldn't shine. I couldn't stand out and be seen. I hated the sound of that word in my head, but I was far too damaged.
I sat down on the couch, my guitar in hands. I could make something out of this, out of this hopelessness. There was no way it would make me drown again.
I picked a few strings, trying to focus on this instead of my doubts. Music was the only thing to always be there for me. Was it because I didn't allow anybody to get close? Once again, I didn't want an answer.
It didn't sound nice. The notes reflected my confusion, I could feel it. The rhythm wasn't right. Nothing was. And it was truly stressful.
Sleep it away.
I tried to, yet only ended up turning in my bed for the next few hours.
I had everything packed by 6am, physically ready to leave however feeling mentally on the edge. Perhaps was that why I found myself at Flora's coffee shop after having handed the keys back.
"Hi Ed!" She smiled, acting as if she hadn't noticed my bloodshot eyes. "Sit, I'll get your drink ready."
I didn't say anything until she put my drink in front of me. She didn't even seem surprised to see me here when I barely said goodbye the night before.
"Big day ahead, right?" Flora whispered.
"I guess so."
People were here already, and she couldn't stay with me, which reminded me of why I decided to start from scratch. My job here was done. I had no purpose in this town, with these people.
Therefore I downed my my cup and left. This was it.
***
(A month later)
I was cold and felt lonely. Sitting still on the streets, I was trying to make people notice me and hopefully give me enough money so I could have something to eat and drink, which I hadn't got yesterday because I had to rent an hotel room not to sleep on a bench. It wasn't as if I had slept longer in a bed than in a park, but at least, I wasn't so cold and it help me not to lose the little hope I had left that my dream couldn't be a nightmare.
I played for two pubs, three days a week, and didn't earn that much money from it. I sometimes could book a few gigs, but it was nothing too big. I'd ask if someone didn't mind lending their couch, but hardly got any answer. Thing that was understandable : I was just a stranger, who would've allowed a stranger to sleep on their couch? People told me I didn't look mean, and I perfectly knew that. A chubby ginger guy couldn't do much harm, right? However, it wasn't enough to let me in their house for a night.
I was happy to experience this life style, but when you didn't have enough money to eat, smoke or to have a safe place to sleep at, let alone have a charged phone, you had every right to question yourself. You thought about how easy it would have been not to leave everything you had.
The sky had darkened, the stars began to show, and less people were passing me by.
I couldn't help thinking about the man I had played on the streets with a few months back. You did understand the value of music after moments like these, when you played all night long in order to get something that would make you survive.
I had written a few songs. One I loved quite a lot was called Homeless, but it wasn't finished yet. I couldn't find a way to finish it because somehow, something was missing.
I felt as if I didn't know anything anymore. This was new to me and I didn't have anything to help keeping me grounded.
"Do I know you?" Someone asked. I looked up and automatically regretted it.
How could she not recognize me? I hadn't changed so much. At least, I didn't notice anything if I had changed. I grew a bit of beard, I must have lost up to 20lb in the past month, but it wouldn't be that much of a change.
"I'm afraid not." I answered, trying to stay polite. I could blow up at the moment.
"But you look familiar... Wait a minute." She grinned.
She actually smiled at me, a light appearing in her eyes when she remembered who I was. I could have yelled at her. How dared she?
"Ed! Oh my god, you started music again! That's great!"
And that's how I lost it.
"Of course I would make music again. You thought I'd still do whatever you wanted? You took everything I had and left me alone. What did you think? Now, will you please go wherever you were going and never think of talking to me again." I growled.
No. Don't growl at people, don't do that again.
"You're pitiful." She spat before leaving.
My hands were shaking, my thoughts were racing. Nothing was alright. Her voice still echoed in my head. All the things she had ever said to me were back in my mind. I thought of how miserable I had been, how much I had drank in order to make it all go away. In just two minutes, she had ruined me again, making me feel empty and useless.
I picked up my things and walked aimlessly until I noticed I was in front of a supermarket where I bought a pack of beer with the little money I had made today. I needed it more than a bed to sleep in tonight.
I know I had stopped drinking, at least I didn't get drunk anymore. But I couldn't bear the thoughts in my head. If I only had a bit of nicotine, I was sure I could've held on a little bit longer before turning to alcohol again. However, chasing a dream left me no choice but to suddenly quit smoking in order to be able to eat. Craving feelings were horrible at the beginning, but after this encounter, I was at my lowest -again- and the lack of cigarette made me burn from inside. I had no choice than to find something to appease the ache, as psychological as it could be. Crumbling under the realisation that I had fooled myself all along, I didn't have any other choice than to try and not disperse the pieces of myself too much.