Chapter 51
"It seems like pain and regret are your best friends."
(Raine's POV)
I never thought it was possible to have so much fun doing something so wrong.
In the past week, Zayn and I had secured one of the five codes we need to access the HEXA, went on countless missions for both parties while sending information back to Moon, had aimless and strikingly rebellious sex in places we never should've, and made fifty thousand each. Suddenly, things don't seem so hard anymore. As long as we can keep up this charade until we access the rest of our codes, the rest is actually exciting. I'm starting to see why people rarely end up leaving such a lifestyle.
But there was something significantly lacking from my routine- Apollo. Ever since the night of the club, he hadn't spoken to me even though he was supposed to come by to check on me. I wouldn't have necessarily cared, but when Zayn reported back to Moon with all the new intel he gathered from his little dalliance with Ana, she got onto me about my relationship with Apollo.
"He's the top dog," she scolded that day, impatience in her tone. "I don't care what Ana does. I need to know what he's doing, who he's talking to, what deals he's making- everything. Can you at least manage that?"
I didn't tell her nor Zayn about the sudden disappearing act he pulled. Apollo is an intelligent man, maybe he caught on and figured out that Zayn and I are actually seeing each other after all. Maybe he has lost interest in me. It wouldn't surprise me, to say the least, his work has always come first for him.
Nonetheless, I decided it was time for me to stop delaying the inevitable. As much as I was appreciative of the distance because it meant I didn't have to deal with another man other than the one I have to somehow share with another woman, I know it's time to confront him. He's a vital piece to this mission, and him trusting me is the glue that's holding it all together.
So I pull in front of his mansion, making my way towards his door. It is surprisingly very quiet in this neck of the woods, but I figure Apollo likes it that way. He is, after all, a very private man.
When I ring the doorbell, it occurs to me that he might not even be home. But it's still pretty early in the morning, which is usually the time Apollo takes to regroup and make some calls. Either way, I'm going to find him today.
I'm about to give up on the mansion when the door swings open, but it is not who I expect at all.
A beautiful woman- probably in her late thirties but aging so gorgeously- opens the door in a silk robe and a lazy smile that a person can only have after having sex with Apollo. Swallowing hard, I take a step back, feeling like I'm intruding and also feeling slightly hypocritically hurt.
I guess he's no longer interested in me.
"Hey there," she drops her head against the door frame. I'm immediately self conscious in my choice of jeans and a sweater once I see how pretty she is even though she just got out of bed.
"Do you happen to know where Apollo is?" I ask her, kind of hoping she says no so I don't have to face him right now.
"Yeah, let me get him," she says with a confidence that only a woman like her can carry. She moves aside to let me in and my eyes follow her as she makes her way to Apollo's study room, clearly familiar with the house. My shoulders fall and I feel heat rising to my cheeks once I realize what an uncomfortable situation I'm in. Not only have I not seen Apollo in days, but now he knows that I was greeted by his overnight friend.
Fantastic.
"He'll be out in just a second," she says to me once she steps out. Nodding politely, I wait as if I'm at a fucking doctor's appointment. Feeling like a dork, I take a seat on the barstool and pour myself a glass of whiskey from his collection even though it's only eight in the morning.
She walks up the stairs, her robe trailing behind her slowly. Tearing my eyes away from the woman I aspire to be, I look down at my glass and shift it in my fingers. I've finished the entire glass and am about to pour myself another when I hear muffled voices from upstairs. From where I'm sitting, I see Apollo's bedroom door open and about five women walk out, all in tight dresses including the woman I just saw. Their heels clank in a cluttered unison as they make their way downstairs, eyeing me as they do so.
Okay, so Apollo didn't just have one woman over. From the looks of it, five woman are a casual occurrence for him when they all call a "bye, Apollo!" over their shoulders. Of course, he doesn't answer, but they clearly know their way around when they make their way out of the front door, waving at me as they do this.
Either Apollo convinced five girls into a orgy, or he hired prostitutes. I'm not sure which one I want to be true more. I suddenly feel like this is the worst time to be doing any talking to him, so I get up and walk towards the door. A slightly overcoming embarrassment settles over me.
So he didn't move on, he just didn't want to see me.
"Raine?"
One step. I was one step away from walking out of the front door and not having this conversation. But alas, timing has never been my friend.
Turning around to face him, I'm surprised to find him completely put together as if a parade of women didn't just leave his house after clearly spending the night with him. But he's no average man. He could have murdered someone a few minutes ago, but the way he presents himself is never anything short of clean-cut.
"I just remembered I had something to do," I say, hoping he can spare both of us the conversation I do not want to have. I've said this once and I'll say it again, pretending not to have feelings for this man is very easy when he isn't standing in front of me.
"I- fuck, I thought you were Vex otherwise I wouldn't have..." He runs a hand over his face, embarrassed that I saw that side of him. But he shouldn't be, I've seen much worse on men far beneath him.
"It's fine," I brush off because I can't possibly convince myself to confront my true feelings for him. I just want to get this show on the road so I can collect the intel I need and earn his trust. All of that seems significantly easier now.
"What are you doing here?" He asks me, tilting his head as his eyes scan me like they always do, as if I'm wearing nothing. Clenching my jaw tightly, I try to distract myself with the thought of anything else other than him. He always manages to get me in a position I never prepared for.
"I just came because... well, I haven't seen you in a week or two and you were supposed to come by after, you know..."
He falters slightly at the memory, nodding to himself. Clearly, he hasn't forgotten that he was supposed to come and see me after I almost died. Here I thought he didn't care anymore.
Well, I could still be right.
"Yeah, sorry. Something came up."
And that's all he says. No "how are you?" or "why did you do it?" or "I was worried about you" or anything. He said nothing more than his weak ass apology and his general excuse. I don't know why his absent behavior hurts me, especially given his reputation, but it does. I thought I meant more to him than just a petty pawn in his master plan.
"Okay," I take a step back, brushing a hand through my hair. The air is so thick with tension and not the kind I can repair. I'm well aware I have a task to uphold, but all I can think about is leaving this suffocating house. "Well I am just gonna go."
"Why did you come?" He asks me, his words sounding slightly hopeful, as if I would run to him and tell him I missed him.
But I don't. All I do is shrug, turning away from him. "I don't know."
He doesn't try to stop me as I leave, which is something I would never expect from him anyway. My heart feels heavy with a feeling I can't pinpoint, but I don't want to make any attempt to solve it. Instead, I drive away from his house, wishing I had never come in the first place.
***
"You ready?"
Racing to the door with only one heel on, I twist it open to see Ana on the other side, impatient and annoying as ever.
"Yeah," I slip on my other shoe while gripping the wall. "Do I need to bring anything?"
"You're good," she tells me, rushing me as I grab my keys and walk out my apartment, locking the door behind me. Even though both of us are in rather tight dresses, we move as fast as we can down the stairs, making our way to the car waiting for us in the front.
I immediately spot Zayn leaning against the car, a subtle smirk balanced on his lips at the sight of me, but Ana definitely thinks it's for her when she greets him with a heavy kiss that he returns expertly. Nonetheless, I take a beat to appreciate him in his dark suit and hair that is gelled to absolute perfection. He looks like a Don, composed and gold-coated like his peers. It's a brand new look on him, but it suits him with great finesse.
Neither him nor I have dressed this elegantly probably ever. I have never attended a party so classy before, but from what I gather, we're in for quite a night.
Just a few hours ago, Apollo had received word that Ramone was coming to check on operations in Louisiana. Of course, his visit would not be properly christened without an extravagant gala in his honor, which Apollo and Ana had both put together skillfully in a matter of hours. With the kind of pull they have in this city, they could drain the lakes clean of water.
I have met Ramone once before, but those were profoundly unfortunate circumstances in that he kidnapped me and told me about my entire dark past. No doubt, he will want to see me as well, which is why Ana gave me a Versace dress and pure gold jewelry which I had never even touched before today. Now, I'm adorned from head to toe in the most breathtaking form, my sleek black gown cutting scandalously at my neckline and down a slit in my leg. I feel like a celebrity.
"Do you have your gun, Fosco?" Ana asks me as we sit in the car.
Well, I no longer feel like a celebrity.
"Yeah," I point at the band on my upper thigh that holds my gun securely where it can't be seen but easily accessed, just like she taught me.
The driver starts the car after we're all inside, a sinking feeling settling over me when Zayn and Ana take a seat in the row behind me and I can hear them making out vividly. What can I expect from Ana? She makes a point to prove that Zayn is hers every chance she's in front of me. Little does she while he's with her, he's wishing he was inside me the whole time.
I don't need to prove myself to her. Zayn's mine, and we all know it.
Still, I don't want to hear them make out so I ask the driver to play anything he can, even if it is radio silence. The sound of some radio hosts talking about dental whitening floods the car, but I'm grateful either way. Checking my phone, I look to see if I have any texts from Apollo, but I'm disappointed when I find my notifications empty. I didn't even hear from this event through him, Ana had to tell me because he couldn't bare to speak to me.
It seems like he wants to talk to me even less than I want to talk to him. Which means I'm in for a night of watching Zayn and Ana flirt while I sit on the sidelines pathetically. But in the grand scheme of things, my feelings are worth little to none to those around me. I just have to learn to accept it.
Too long later, we arrive at a grand event hall that was made for tonight's company. Guards are posted mere feet apart, rifles in their hands and eyes alert as ever. We pull in front of the car and the door opens for me and I step out, greeted by a crowd of my peers eyeing me now that Apollo isn't by my side to block their gazes. I often forget how many attractive men I work with. Why limit my options to just the two who make me want to rip my hair out?
That is when Apollo walks outside of the building in a deep blue suit, his attire a blend of regal and cutthroat like he has perfected. My mouth turns dry at the sight of him. I suddenly remember why I haven't noticed the other guys before.
When he sees me, he merely passes me a quick glance before walking to Ana who has stepped out of the car with Zayn at her tail. Apollo tells them both something, and when I go to listen as it may pertain to me, he stops talking abruptly. Ana notices and speaks for him, as always.
"Raine, Ramone will want to meet you at some point so just be prepared. Other than that, have fun! It's a party." She flashes her malicious grin as she winks at me, grabbing Zayn's hand and making her way into the building. My eyes follow Zayn as he passes me a swift look, apologizing wordlessly for something he has no control over.
Once they're both gone and it's just Apollo and I, I decide I have to be the first one to breath awkward silence.
"Why are you being so cold to me?" I ask him, my shoulders falling with disappointment when these words leave my throat.
He does everything in his power to avoid eye contact with me, looking past me at the vast line of guards and clenching his fists to his side. He contemplates not responding at all, but he finally says, "Let's not forget that this is all just business, Raine. I've lost sight of that a few times, but I have to get back on track. Especially in front of Ramone."
He never says too much, but somehow his words are always overwhelming to me. Still, I understand his sudden shift in attitude because I'm in a somewhat similar predicament. Our entire relationship would have ended there but I have a job to do which relies heavily on me using him for intel. And unless he trusts me enough to let my by his side, I don't see that happening any time soon.
"Okay," I breathe, the air feeling colder as I wrap my arms around myself. "Then at least let me in on the business end. I can't just be a plaything you use whenever you're bored. Give me a job to do or I'll tell Ramone to."
He exhales at the lack of emotion in my tone, but I don't care. If this is what he wants, then so be it. At the end of the day, he's just my manipulative boss who I have to use in order to please my threatening sister who won't let me live in peace. If I have to convince myself I don't have feelings for him, then I can do that for the night.
"Fair enough," he nods towards the entrance. "Stay by my side. Ramone will be here soon but until then, I need to finalize some things with Adrian."
I do as I'm told, as professional and poised as ever. He hands me his arm to take as we enter the building, but I purposely make a point of not taking it, showing him that I, too, can play his game. If he wants to be cold, then I'll show him what being iced out feels like.
He drops his hand, showing absolutely no emotion at my actions as he shrugs it off like the perfect professional he is. We walk into the event hall to be greeted by what looks to be a museum of extraordinary precision and regal architecture. The ceiling is painted with a detailed depiction of Renaissance art, the floors a deep eggshell marble and paintings on every wall. This is a complete polar opposite of the other events I have been to with Apollo, as the setting is usually an underground club owned by someone he knows. But Ramone is no average man. He is the kingpin, the Escobar, the man of the hour every hour. Even the sound of his name is enough for everyone to forget their natural instincts and create a universe in which they are up to his standards.
I wonder if this is what my life would have been like had I grown up as the daughter of my father.
"Apollo!"
Adrian's familiar cheerful voice approaches us as he greets Apollo with a sturdy handshake. Apollo nods once, not as chipper as him for obvious reasons, but Adrian takes no mind of it before he turns his attention to me.
"You look lovely," he says to me, placing a hand over his chest. "Apollo is one lucky man."
"Not lucky enough," I smile at him, hearing Apollo exhale deeply. "You clean up nice yourself."
"Oh, this old thing?" He looks down at his velvet black suit, shrugging charmingly. "Well, thank you. Shall we finish this before the boss arrives?"
Apollo nods, following Adrian who leads us to a VIP room. The last time I met Adrian, I heard Apollo was on his way to securing a deal with him which enabled him to get access to all of his trade routes in Alabama, which would accelerate his shipments by millions a week. I guess today is the day he finalized it so he has something to impress Ramone with when he arrives, which is a intelligent move on Apollo's part.
"Now, I spoke to Guillermo and he agreed to all of your terms," Adrian says, his tone shifting from playful to business in a matter of seconds. From when I met him in the bar, I see him as a cheerful guy who is far quicker on his feet than anyone could realize. Although he seems nothing short of innocent, people like him are often enough to topple things over in the blink of an eye. I just hope Apollo isn't rushing into anything.
"Here is the map of all of the routes we agreed to," Adrian says as he spreads a paper over the table, highlighting various routes in Alabama that lead to Louisiana. I study the paper carefully while Apollo speaks up.
"He agreed to the tax rate?"
"Yes. No problem there."
"Perfect," Apollo mumbles, eyeing it carefully with me. "How many of your men are on each post?"
Adrian responds to Apollo's questions, both of them clearly thinking of everything before walking into this room. I listen carefully so I have something to report back to Moon, but also because now that I notice the map, something seems off about it.
"I just need your signature, and we'll be ready to start operations first thing tomorrow," Adrian says, extending a pen to him.
Apollo takes it, about ready to sign, but I speak up before he can.
"Wait," I say, pointing at a blank strip barely the size of a millimeter in between Biloxi and Gulfport, two critical cities in Mississippi that fall in the dead center of one of the routes. "Why is this not covered?"
Apollo looks to where I'm pointing, not having noticed that before. When I look at Adrian, he swallows hard and speaks up.
"Well, the DEA has tight security over in those cities. We lack the resources to work around that, so it would be best for your operation to cover that on their own."
Confused, I furrow my eyebrows. "You're kidding? That renders this entire route, about four-hundred miles, completely useless! The hell are we gonna do with that?"
Adrian looks at Apollo, shaking his head. "We agreed at a ten mile relief strip on every route-"
"Not here," Apollo shakes his head, clenching his jaw tightly as the throws the pen down on the table. "Not where we can get caught so easily."
Adrian's shoulders fall. "We have to finalize this-"
"So help me God, Adrian, if you don't tell Guillermo to get this strip covered I will blow your fucking head out," Apollo threatens through his grit teeth, his gaze narrowed in a way that shoots bullets. "Get that done. Now."
Although he is just the messenger, he has a task to uphold. He looks defeated at the new obstacle in the way, but he says nothing as he picks up the documents and leaves the room to finish his task.
Once Apollo and I are alone in the room, I don't bother talking to him about the deal or anything else. Instead, I turn around and walk away, but he stops me before I can do so.
"Raine," he calls out just as I'm about to leave.
"Yeah?" I ask, my voice monotone and lacking all genuine emotion as I turn around.
His shoulders fall. "Thank you for catching that."
"Yeah," I shrug it off. "It's just business, right?"
His gaze finally meets mine, but I still don't feel as though he's looking at me. With a silent nod, he affirms me and stays silent. I don't have anything else to say to him, so I turn around and leave the room, confused and frustrated and completely upset by this entire situation.
I make my way over to the open bar, asking for a bourbon on the fly. The bartender works his magic as I take a lean on the counter, my eyes scanning the room full of killers and criminals dressed as sophisticated elitists. I almost feel the need to judge them, but I stop myself once I remember I'm the worst of them all. At least none of them are backstabbing cheaters.
When my eyes land on Ana and Zayn, I try to force myself to look away but I can't. They're dancing on the dance floor just barely, more focused on touching each other and sneaking kisses here and there. But what hurts me most is the smile on both of their faces. If Zayn hates her as much as he claims to, why is he laughing like she's the funniest girl in the world? I pray he's just a good actor, but I sincerely doubt he's just acting when he goes in for the next kiss himself.
They look disgustingly in love and I hate it.
The bartender sets my drink down one minute and I've drank it whole within the next. I tell him to keep them coming, and even though I should stop before making a fool of myself in front of Ramone, I can't bring myself to care. They'll have me do their bidding in any form, drunk or not. The least I can do is abuse the open bar while I'm at it.
"Slow down," I hear a voice say to me. When I turn to see Apollo leaning beside me, I sigh.
"Maybe you shouldn't have made it an open bar," I say under my breath, taking my second glass of bourbon into my hands as I tear my eyes away from Zayn.
"Seriously," he tells me under his breath, standing tall as he narrows his eyes at me. "You're going to end up like last time."
"Like you care," I huff, chugging my second glass with so much ease I need to check to make sure it's not just water.
I'm about to ask for my third glass to the bartender but Apollo speaks up first, "she's done for the night."
My mouth falls open as the bartender leaves as quickly as he came. When I turn to glare at Apollo, he just keeps his eyes ahead of him, his jaw clenching and unclenching under his skin.
"Why are you talking to me?" I sneer, my voice sounding far more petty than I intended. "This is not business-related, last I checked."
"I don't want Ramone to see you fucked up," he says simply.
"He wouldn't care," I snap. "I'm just as valuable to him drunk as I am sober."
"He's your boss."
"No, he's my captor," I cross my arms over my chest, looking ahead of me as well. "Both of you are."
"I didn't kidnap you, Raine," Apollo says gruffly, his voice low with annoyance. "This is not my doing."
"Yeah, well, you might as well have."
He snaps his neck to look at me, and before I know it, he wraps his hand around my arm and leads me out of the hall and into the same room we were just in. Once we're alone, he slams the door shut and turns to look at me, a deep glare in his eyes.
"What is your fucking problem?" He sneers, clenching his fists tightly as his knuckles turn white. One stop towards me and he's fuming, as if all of his pent up frustration is finally letting loose.
"My problem?" I throw my hands up, "A problem implies I can fix it. I don't have a problem. I have you, a fucking headache that won't leave me alone no matter where I go!"
"You want me to leave you alone?" He says to me, not raising his voice even though I know his patience is hanging on by a thread. His eyes twitch with anger but he just takes a breath to calm himself down, but it doesn't work when he takes hold of my arm. "Then why the fuck did you come to my place this morning?"
"Because!" I shout in his face, no longer caring about my irrational anger towards him. "Because I almost died and you said you would come and you didn't. You didn't check to see if I was alive, you didn't care to see if I was okay, you never asked me why I did what I did. You pretend to care about me but I know you just need me to impress your fucking boss."
He clenches his jaw, seething with impatience as he grits his teeth. "That's not true."
"It is!" I fight, shaking my arm out of his grasp. "Fuck you! I hate you, Apollo! You ruined my entire life. I wish, from the bottom of my black, rotting, doomed heart that I died that day so you could see what it feels like to lose like I have been doing every day since you fucking walked into that bar and ruined my life!"
He keeps his eyes steady in mine, shocked to his core by the words coming out of my mouth, but I don't care how harsh they are. Why should I have to care about everyone else when nobody gives a shit about me? Why should I worry about Zayn when he's laughing and dancing and fucking another woman all while claiming he loves me? Why can't I even look Apollo in the eyes because I feel guilty that just being in the same room as him is worse than what Zayn is doing with Ana? Why should I protect Apollo's feelings when he doesn't even care to see if I'm alive? Why should I worry about Moon, Ruiz, Ramone, Ana, Apollo, literally anyone when all I'm doing is digging a deeper hole for myself?
Why the fuck did I survive that day?
"You were trying to die?" He asks me, his voice calmer than it was before. With soft eyes, he drops his hands to his side.
"Yes," I tell him, shaking my head. "I know my death would put a dent in your plan to impress your-"
"I don't care about that, Raine!" He interrupts me, finally raising his voice. My eyes widen and I take a step back, my heart pounding to my ears.
He takes a step forward and closes the gap between us, gripping my face in his hands as tightly as he can. He looks down at me, brushing a strand of hair away from my eyes carefully. "If you think this is about you being a pawn in this game then you're fucking stupid."
"Then what else could it possible be, Apollo?" I ask him, still so angry with him. Why do I care so much about what he thinks? How can I be in love with Zayn and still crave attention from a man who has brought me nothing but darkness?
"I offered you those drugs that night," he tells me, sighing as he remembers the failure of a night. "You remember? I was passing you everything you took."
My stomach sinks so fast that I feel like crying. Oh. He thinks it's his fault that I almost died, that he's the reason I took all of those drugs as if I wouldn't have done it otherwise. That's why he didn't come see me, because he believed he was the root of that night. And while he is the reason for a lot of my problems, he is not the reason for that one. I would've taken those drugs with or without him.
I open my mouth to speak but he interrupts me. "I asked Zayn and Ana if you were okay, they said you were. I checked on you. I always will, Raine."
I can't look him in the eyes anymore, so incredibly embarrassed that I don't know what to say. There's a reason I'm in this predicament, because I care too much. I care too much about Zayn, Apollo, my family, everyone- there is no way I can get out of this if I don't start being selfish. But the most selfish thing I can do is die, especially for those around me who are counting on me so much more than I realize, Apollo being one of them.
"I'm sor-"
"Don't be," he cuts me off, dropping his hands from my face. "I will leave you alone from here on out unless I need you for business. That's the only way this can work."
"I didn't mean that," I scramble, trying to make sure he knows none of that was his fault. I'm so fucking stupid. Always saying the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong people. Fuck.
"Don't worry about it," he takes a step back from me, cool and collected as always. "Ramone should be here soon, I need to go check on some things. Enjoy yourself."
Now it's my turn not to stop him. There's nothing for me to say that could make this any better. And for a second, I hope things can be as terrible as they are right now forever because that would make my loyalty to Moon easy. But I can't possibly have feelings for this man while working for someone trying to take him down, so maybe this is what's best.
Maybe I have to choose who I want to keep alive, which means letting go of something I could never truly have.
__________
Some Raine+Apollo content for all of you.
I know this is a Zayn fic... but idk I might have to change something up. Apollo is starting to be in the lead for me.
Oop tell me what you all are thinking and what you wanna see happen in the next chapter. Maybe I can bring your ideas to life!
Xoxo, N