I feel like apologizing to the girls I had stamped as sluts in my mind. On contrary to my natural behavior, I never gave my comment to any of it and heard everything with a fake smile plastered on my face, every chance my friends got they discussed it. And I had to hear about the length and width and lack of dick sizes of their latest catch since we were 15.
They craved fuckboys of our school. Played to be ignorant of gossips about them hooking up with other girls in school. It was ridiculous to see them behave like that. My only saving grace was them never asking me about my sex life.
Now, I get what they must have been feeling. All-day I waited for Gian to come back, give me some silly excuse so I could forgive him and move back to whatever we were.
I have been let down numerous times before. It had hurt me but I had recovered from them pretty quickly. I just cut them off of my life completely. The thought bothers me still from time to time when I lay awake on my bed. I feel like I might have been cruel to them for not giving them a second chance. Life isn't a movie, people don't necessarily say the word 'Sorry', 'forgive me' but they speak with their actions. I realized them after becoming friends with Helen. How she behaves as though everything is normal and expects me to do the same.
But still, the concept of forgiveness made not much sense to me, "Oh, this is good. Let's hurt someone and then pop out of nowhere and say sorry. Great!!!" Were my last parting words to the people I had once loved so much, I had feared to be separated from them. But, nobody bothered to call me if I had made it here safely. The bitter reality and the tears coming after that would lull me into a deep slumber.
Deep down, It only concreted my vow to never forgive... unless they deserve it. If the excuse is worth listening to and believable. Then why am I ready to forgive Gian. If he just shows up.
In the morning, when I woke up. Gian wasn't there. A shawl I had left on the chair was covering me. Van Gogh was sleeping soundly in a comfortable position and the door was locked. It didn't occur to my small mind that he had left.
Until afternoon I was done with lunch for two and dressed in tight fitted blue jeans with a white loose tee. My legs didn't feel comfortable in jeans and I had this only one pair. But I wanted Gian to see me in something different. Creasing the jeans over my knees so it looked a bunch of thick bangles to feel a little comfortable, I looked around to find a note he must have left. Then checked my phone to see if he had added his number to my phone. Nothing...
My vision darkened for a moment. I blamed it on food, as I had not eaten anything. Waiting for Gian. A crazy and off-putting thought popped into my head. What if it was my imagination. Those mozzarella sticks were too good to be true and the kiss.....
I checked my phone for pictures and couldn't find any of them. Confused, I call Helen.
"Hey, girl!!!" Her voice had an extra edge today.
I clear my throat, "About last night.." I began to bite my nails, then quickly recovered from the bad habit and began to run circles over the cushion.
"Don't even remind me." She groaned.
Startled, I ask. "What happened, Helen?"
"Urghhh again with that overthinking, Zara. Sex was okay but my Knight in shining armour was wearing a rented armored suit, his house, or I should say a one-bedroom apartment was so damn tiny." She answered viciously.
"You live in a one-bedroom apartment." I pointed, flattening the fine lines I had made over the cushion.
"A girl needs the promotion from this mediocre life duhhh..." She sang, casually. "I should have said no when I saw his car but- "
"Helen, do you know how materialistic you sound." I scold her in anger.
"Says the girl who went out with the billionaire bachelor, Gian Armani.!!! Newsflash, sweetheart. He is not coming back." She taunted me.
"Did you see us leaving together?" I respond sharply, digging the phone painfully closer to my ear.
"No need to act so defensive, Zara. He is all over with a different girl every time. He wouldn't have been sitting with you if he didn't want a piece o-" I didn't let her complete the derogatory sentence and cut the call in anger.
My eyes prickled with tears, my knees gave out and I fell on the floor, the phone landing somewhere near my legs. Hiding my face in my hands, I bawl over my mistake. My dignity, all those morals I had repeated over and over in my head. I threw it all... All over a weak moment. I cry even harder after realizing that this had been the first real chance I had. And I had shown my true self by hitching myself over his hard-on.
My legs begin to get numb being tucked under my thighs. I drop my hand from my face when I felt Van Gogh's paw touch my knee.
Gasping in shock. I gather him in my arms his front legs flung over my shoulder, head resting on the crook of my neck. Supporting his paralyzed legs under my arms, I hug him and cry even harder. He also whimpered with me.
He had crawled 3 feet distance for me, carrying the dead weight of his partially paralyzed body. He fell asleep in my arms again sniffing. I realize that I had forgotten to give him his morning medications. Wiping my tears I push to my feet on wobbly legs and fill his plate with food, lightly patting his cheek I woke him up. Leaving him to his favorite time of the day.
I contemplate throwing the food I had prepared for Gian and I, on a whim. But thought against it, I have already wasted my time with him I am not gonna waste food too. I somehow just swallowed the food, biting on my tears. He left me.
*****
In the evening, I was sitting under the small porch outside my house, watching Van Gogh toddle as a part of his therapy, his back legs were tied to his training wheels. Every time he completes the small distance, his eyes turn to look at me and I cheer and smile in encouragement. In the beginning, the smile was all fake, but he wouldn't budge from his spot and instead make his own sad face for me. I smiled for him, for the only thing that loves me.
When he was done I cuddle him in my arms massaging his leg softly. I closed the door behind us coming inside.
A strange feeling washed over me, the similar one I had felt last time when I was 16. I rubbed my chest lightly, as the gut feeling became stronger. My life is going to change from here on and just like last time, It won't be in my hands to control it.
I watch Zara from my car, her face was not shining bright like it always does. I have already begun to take the light inside of her. When she stood up and clapped I realized her eyes must be following her precious fragile puppy, Van Gogh. She was wearing a white tee and black yoga pants that reached her ankles, her hair was tied in a braid, resting on one side of her shoulder. She cradled Van Gogh in her arms like a baby and took him inside. My mood swung to leave her alone, again. Before I could contemplate it further, my feet were dragging me toward her.
I ring the doorbell and take a long breath. Holding the box mom had given me like a friendly neighbor. I look around at the houses they all face the front with no windows open. I look up to see the balconies up there. No one. If I were Zara's neighbor I would be hanging on to the mantle all day just to get a glimpse of her.
I hold my breath when the door opened. Zara's face brightened momentarily before it contoured to become a raging mess. Ouch.! I deserved that.
"What do you want.?" She asked snidely, her lips pressing a thin line.
"I regret what I did. I wanted to apologize." I said quietly.
Her lips parted, she shifted on her feet uncomfortably. Still holding onto the door ready to shut it on my face any minute.
"You regret it.?" She asked quietly, licking her lips in nervous and hung her head low. "And you're apologizing for it." She said it more to herself, her voice becoming a shaky whisper. If I weren't attentive I would have missed it. She ducks her head to the point her chin touched where her collarbone meets. She was hiding her tears from me.
I rub on my chest to soothe the sudden ache. Did I hurt her that badly? Why is she in so much pain... Fuck.!!! She thinks I regret...
"No... no .... Zara. Look at me, Principessa." I plead with her cupping her cheek in my palm moving her face to look at me.
A fat rivulet of tears rolls down her cheeks when she shut her eyes closed. Afraid anyone would see me.. Us. I lightly push her inside the house, closing the door behind.
Her eyes shout open, "What... get out." She protests.
"Not until you hear me, Principessa." I whisper huskily in her ear, pushing her against the wall.
She sucked a sharp inhale and peered at me through her bushy lashes, her pupils were dilated. She wants me. Reading in the hunger in my eyes to kiss her, she shook her head.
Keeping my hand on her hip, I speak. "I don't regret kissing you. I don't regret asking you out..." Perplexed, her mouth gaped. I gave her a big wolfish smile. Then continue regretfully.
"I regret who I am, Principessa. Of things, I have done. I can't go out with you and tell the world about you until I have a fixed some things. It will take time.... and patience. Lots of it and I am working on it. I swear."
"I know what you are talking about." She said weakly. "I searched for you on the Internet." She bit her lip like she has done something taboo. My insides froze. Before I could speak something in my defense she continued, "I saw pictures of you with girls." She said in a whimper.
I release my breath in relief. No leading in media dares to speak ill of me or the Armani family's alleged shady business. But every now and then some small-time media house that runs news about aliens' theories at night, tried their luck and talk about the family. Remo deletes most of them but some of them still remain on the 10th page of the search engine.
"Yes... them. The pictures." I repeat, ready to hatch the excuse. "I don't want people to think you are one of my flings." She opened her mouth to say something, but by pressed my finger over her lips. "Ssshhh... principessa. Your eyes are speaking how much I have hurt you. I don't want to do that again. I should have handled it more maturely. I was scared. I just want us to stay out of public eyes, until we are ready to announce our relationship please, Zara. Please give me another chance." Fuck. I sound like a pussy but I don't regret it. Zara is giving me a lot of the first experience. One I had never thought I would be having. Begging, pleading. I would have never done it to save my life.
"And you will keep going out with them to make an appearance.?" She croaked. It slashed me deep to hear the vulnerability in her voice. I did that to her, giving her an idea like I'm supposed to hide her from the world.
"Never." I say sternly "Until you ask me to leave. I won't, Zara. I know after I abandoned you twice. You will find it hard to believe me. But I don't want to go out with anyone. Please believe me, Zara." I say desperately. She peered at me through her damp lashes, searching for the honesty in my eyes that was present.
"I believe you..." She said quietly. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest, just by hearing those three magical words. I leaned forward to kiss her but instead of her mouth, my lips met with her palm. She shook her head keeping her hand over her mouth, her moist eyes still holding on to some of the tears that were now holding on to a promise of mischief. I take a step back to give her some space.
"I want us to start over and become friends. I had overstepped my own boundaries last night." She blushed upon her last words, her cheek tinging with pink. "I don't want to lose control and do anything on an impulse again. So now I am giving you a chance to think about it." She said smugly throwing my own words back at me. I chuckle in disbelief to see the tables turn.
I held her wrist when she was heading to open the door for me.
"Friends..." I repeat monotonously. The term feeling like ashes in my mouth.
"So what, are you planning to stay?" She asked crossing her arms over her middle pushing her perky tits up.
I clear my throat and my head "Friends can stay the night, right.?" I ask hopefully.
Zara gave me a first real smile since I came before squealing "It's a sleepover!!!"
Huh...???
*****
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