Warning: I did not read this chapter through so there are probably mistakes that could cause some confusion
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Charlotte's POV:
So here we are. My period of peace is finally over as all of the guys are here with me now. I guess they decided that I've had enough alone time. But I think that I deserve to be alone if I want, right? I mean, considering the circumstances.
All of us are now sitting outside around my pool because according to them, I need to "get out more". I'm just wondering when my friends became my parents.
As of now, the only people that know about my little breakdown the other night are Johnson and Shawn, and I really intend on keeping it that way. My parents want me to go back to school on Monday, so I guess that i'll be wearing long sleeves for a while. At least we only have a few weeks left until summer.
"So, I was thinking about going back down to the hospital and staying there tonight." Cameron says. I just now realize that none of us have really been there all week. I'm sure that a few of them have stopped by a for a couple minutes, but not long.
"I think I'll come, too." Hayes says. I love that Hayes had been spending so much more time with us lately. Nobody cares that he's younger, we all just treat him like a little brother. And I'll admit that having him here is kind of comforting to me. I feel like he had some sort of connection with Jack that he didn't have with anybody else. Whenever I saw them together, it looked like the brothers on TV shows. Don't get me wrong, Nash is a great big brother, but with Jack, Hayes is just... different.
Soon enough, we're all making plans to go to the hospital tonight. Well, everybody but me. But nobody has really noticed that I haven't agreed to come, so I'm hoping that I'll get out of it. Of course I want to be there for Jack, but I don't know if I can go back there without having a panic attack. Not after that dream at least.
"So Charlotte," Taylor says, "You're coming too, right?"
Wow. Thanks Taylor.
Everybody looks at me, and I'm assuming that they're waiting for me to say yes.
"Do I have to?" I ask.
"No, you don't have to." Aaron says. "But don't you think you should? I mean, you haven't left your house since Sunday."
They don't really know about my adventure to the lake yet. Mainly because they don't know about the lake at all. But what they don't know won't kill them.
I sigh. "I don't know, I'm not really feeling that well." I say.
Instead of giving me a little speech about how I can't keep making up excuses like this just to get out of doing things I don't want to do, they don't say anything. They just look at me with a look that practically screams "That's enough of your bull crap, tell us the truth." The whole thing is making me feel extremely uncomfortable. So, I stand up and say, "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?" Sam asks as I open the door to go inside.
"I have to go to the bathroom." It's the first thing I can think of saying to make sure that nobody follows me.
But I do end up heading towards the bath room when I get inside. When I get there I immediately close the door and lock the door. I turn the water on in the sink, splashing cold water on my face. I just need a little break.
I par my face dry with a towel quickly and look up. But when I look in the mirror, I don't see who I thought I would. I see someone completely different. This isn't the same girl that I would've seen a week ago.
The circles under my eyes are much too noticeable, and I cringe just looking at them. My eyes have taken on a permanent puffiness and redness, causing the bags the look even worse. I'm pretty sure that I haven't brushed my hair all week, so it's become a tangled mess, lazily resting in the ponytail that it has been in since last Friday. My skin is even paler than before, which is terrible because I was pretty pale I even before this all. My lips are chapped and cracked horribly with multiple splits in the thin skin. Of course, all of this together is resulting in something monstrous. I'm almost surprised that nobody made me do something about it.
But that's not all that's wrong. I wish it was, but it's not. There's something else.
I wish I could use words to describe what I'm seeing, though I don't think it's possible. I don't know how to name the difference I see, but it's the worst part of it all. Sure, all of the other things make me look horrific, but this is just making it so much worse.
I've lost it. I'm not sure what exactly it is that I've lost, but I know that something's missing. You can tell.
Have you ever seen somebody after something bad has happened: how they act differently and how something about them just isn't the same? Well, it's kind of like that. I've lost the sparkle, the liveliness, the presence that I had before. I've become nothing more than a dull she'll of the girl that I was before. That's the best way to describe what I'm seeing
I would say that this is shocking, but it's not. I could feel it happening. Ever since I got that phone call from the hospital, I could feel it slipping away. I could feel the life being drained away, but I ignored it. The problem's that before, I just didn't pay attention. I pretended that I felt the same when I didn't. Now, I can't pretend that I don't see or feel it. You can tell just by looking at me that I'm not the same. And it's terrifying.
The sight and thought of what I've become starts to bringing tears to my eyes. A million things start rushing through my head, none of them good.
What if it doesn't get better?
What if Jack doesn't wake up?
What will happen then?
I haven't even tried considering what life would be like without Jack. Mostly because I'm just too scared. But now, I can't help but think of it.
I can see myself, quietly walking through school. Everybody would be looking at me, whispering to each other. "I feel so bad for her." "She never gonna be the same." "I can't even imagine what she's going through."
They would all stand there, mentally pitying me. All the while, I would be a complete mess. I wouldn't talk, I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't sleep. I would be too damaged to. And nobody would even notice that I would slowly be dying. They would all be too caught up in talking about how I've let myself go and how miserable I must be. They wouldn't see the real problems. Nobody ever does.
I would probably stop talking to any of the guys. I would just block them out because they would remind me too much of Jack. Eventually, they would all just give up on trying. Even Johnson would probably get tired of trying to help. But I can't blame them.
I can just see it now, my mind crumbling down, similarly to how it is now. Giving up would become the only option. I would have no worth, no soul, and no will to move on with my life. I would keep trying to pull through, but it wouldn't work. One day, something would push me over he edge. It would make the decision for me. And then...
The thought of this is too much to bear. Looking here at myself in the mirror, thinking about a future without Jack is more than I can handle. I've known that it's possible that my future won't include Jack since the incident, but now it's really hit me hard.
The next thing I know, I'm sliding down the wall, burying my face in my hands. My mind is blocking out the reality of my current life. The only thing that I can think about is not having Jack when this all is over. Thinking that he may never leave that hospital alive, thinking that I won't be able to see his smile or hear his voice ever again, thinking that the next time I see him, I'll be preparing to say goodbye forever: that's all that comes to my mind.
I feel my body shake with every sob that escapes it. I just sit there on the cold tile floor, letting out all of the emotions that I have to hide from everybody. Why don't they understand how I feel? All of the guys lost Jack, too. How are they all fine, meanwhile I'm too busy drowning myself in my own demons to do anything else? Why can't they feel the pain that I do?
Wait, I know why. It's because they're trying to be strong. They have to keep their composure for me. They don' want me to see them like that. It's just one more thing for me to make harder on them.
I stop my thoughts when somebody knocks on the bathroom door.
"Charlotte?" I hear Cameron say from the other side.
"What do you want?" I say as innocently as possible as I quickly try to wipe the tears away from my face. I take a few deep breaths to stop my crying.
"Can I come in?" He asks. When I don't reply fast enough, he just opens the door.
I quickly get to my feet and stand up so that he doesn't have to witness my emotional break down.
"What do you want, Cameron?" I say.
"I want to know what's wrong, Charlotte." He replies as he shuts the door and sits on the counter. "I don't wanna hear that you're fine again. I want you to actually talk to me."
I don't know why, but for some reason what he says gets me annoyed.
"Are you serious?" I scoff. "Are you seriously asking me what's wrong? If you can't figure that out, then maybe you should just leave." I cross my arms in front of me, expecting him to just leave me here alone.
"Ok, you and I both know that I'm not leaving here until you talk." He says. "I understand that you're still hurting because of Jack. All of us are. But you need to talk and explain. We both know that what you're feeling is a lot deeper than you're letting on."
I sigh, not willing to give into him yet. "Why are you so suddenly interested in me? You haven't bothered talking to me all week to see how I was? In fact, the only people that I've talked to are Johnson and Shawn. So why do you care now?"
"Well, I thought that you would wanna be alone. Ya know, have some time to yourself. I mean, that's what you do right? You hide and keep your feelings locked up because you don't want to bother anybody with your problems. So I thought that if I waited to talk to you, then you might open up. But I see that that's not the case." He replies back with a hint of attitude in his voice.
I stand there for a minute, looking at him. I keep my arms crossed, until I finally decide to give in.
I sigh once more, but this time out of defeat. "Fine. But I don't really know what you want to hear from me."
"Yes you do. You just don't want to talk about it."
Damnit. He knows and I know that he's right, and I'm completely aware that he will sit here for hours to hear the answer.
"Okay, well did you ever think that maybe that's why I'm so upset? Did you ever think maybe I'm not happy because I can't talk about my feelings?" I snap slightly back at Cameron.
"What do you mean you can't talk about your feelings? Of course you can talk about them. You just don't like to, therefor you choose not to." He says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"No, Cam, you don't understand." I say, leaning back onto the wall and putting my head in my hands, hoping that maybe if I keep it there long enough, then this whole conversation will just go away.
"What don't I understand?"
"You don't understand how it feels, okay?" I say, looking back at him. "You don't know what it's like to feel completely stranded in your mind, drowning in your thoughts. I'm not trying to say that your life has always been easy, because I've only been here for part of it. But I just don't think that you've ever had to witness what I am."
He's quiet for a moment, probably trying to comprehend what I'm trying to say. "You know, you're right." He finally speaks. "I don't know what it's like to feel like that. But, I still don't think that I understand what you're trying to say." He admits.
So, I continue. "Well, it's like..." I pause, not sure what to say. I look down at the ground, trying to muster up some way to explain this feeling. "It's kind of like... being stuck in the middle of the ocean. You're surrounded by so much water, but you can't drink any of it because it's obviously saltwater, and it will kill you. So, you have to suffer, just sitting there while you're being teased by Mother Nature herself. Then, if you do give in to drinking the water, it feels as if it gives you just the slightest bit of relief, but only for a little while. So, you keep drinking it. But, what you don't think about is how while you're getting the temporary relief, you're slowly dying. It takes a while until you realize what is actually happening, but by the time you do....it's too late. So, drink the water, you die, don't drink the water, you still die. There's no option there. Either way, you know that you'll end up losing the battle, and there's nothing you can do to stop it."
When I realize that I've stopped talking, I look back up to see some sort of indifferent look on his face. It looks as if he doesn't know how to react to what I've said, so I just keep talking.
"The point is, I know that no matter what, I can't win. No matter what I do, I'm gonna end up losing. Its what happens every time. But, most times, I usually give in to drinking the water. I always take the path that I think will help the most. That path gives me the happiness that I want, but it's only temporary. So. each time, it comes back around, and each time, it hurts ten times more than the last. I can't just be happy, Cameron. It's so much more complicated than that. But I can't change it. There really is nothing that I could do to make it better. So, I decide that I at least want a little bit of happy, even though it's gonna make things seem so much worse the next time. I don't talk about things because I know that I can't help myself by doing that, I know that if I do that, then it will just make me feel worse. So, I just keep everything bottled up so that nobody has to see how I really feel inside."
By the time I finish talking this time, his face still has the same expression on it. I guess that I had much higher hopes for his reaction than I should've. But I guess I should be used to having such high hopes that get crushed each time by now.
At long last, he finally speaks. "Charlotte, I really wish I understood how you felt. But I don't. So, I'm not gonna try to tell you that it will get better or that everything's okay, because I know that you don't wanna hear it. But, I just want you to know that you can talk to me, okay? You can talk to an of us. The last thing I want is for you to hide how you feel just because you're afraid to see how we react. And, I know it doesn't seem like it, but talking about will probably actually help. If you keep it hidden from us, then it's gonna be all you ever think about, which is going to definitely keep you from being happy. So, please, next time you ever feel this bad, just come to one of us and tell us. We want to help you."
"Really?" I feel myself smile a little bit, feeling better after hearing his words of advice.
"Yes, really. Now what do you say we go back out to the guys and tell them that you want to come with us to see Jack?" He asks, smirking similarly to how I am.
"Sure." I say. Cameron slides down form the counter and holds his arms out for a hug. I graciously accept his offer, taking in his warmth, forgetting about all of my problems for a second.
A year ago, if you would've told me that I would end up with friends like this and a boyfriend like Jack, then I would've said you were crazy. But here I am. Maybe, a year from now, things will be better. Maybe I'll have finally found my permanent happiness in these people that have already made my life so much more enjoyable. But, for now, I just have to work with what I've got.