My hands are shaking. I have the book in my hands and I want nothing more than to throw it out the window of this taxi. Looking at it makes me so angry.
You can imagine how angry you might feel upon reading this book and learning that the life you dreamed of with the boy you loved so deeply could have happened had he simply told you the truth or came to you instead of assuming you were happy with a boy you only knew for two months. Don't get me wrong, I love Connor completely and with my whole heart now, but back when we started dating it was different. I was hesitant, still heartbroken and confused.
Getting to know Connor, I started to realize that I could love him, but it wasn't so easy in the beginning. If Greyson had come up to me in those early months, I have no doubt I would have gone right back to him. It took at least a year and a half after Greyson left me for me to actually let Connor into my life. Sure, we were dating, but it took me such a long time to tell him about Greyson, about Logan, about everything that happened in my life. It was so hard for me to open my heart up to him.
God, I wish I never walked into that bookstore. I wish that I never came to New York. I was so content with my life, happy even without the closure. I wanted closure, but I feel like I could have eventually married Connor without it. Now? I have no fucking idea what I'm going to do. It's not like I can go back to Greyson, even if I wanted, which is not to say I do. I'm just saying I couldn't because he's getting married in a few months and he lives far away from me and I have a boyfriend of seven years. This can't work.
So why am I stepping out of a taxi at his apartment building? I don't know to be entirely honest. It's very possible that I'll get up to his apartment and fall apart. Or maybe Taylor will answer the door and I'll really fall apart.
I'm lucky enough that someone is leaving the building right as I walk in so after checking the call box and finding his apartment number, I make my way towards the elevator. As I make my way to the 8th floor, everything really starts to sink in. Tears start to well up in my eyes and I'm clutching the book so hard, the veins in my hand might pop out. When I exit the elevator, I scan the hall until I land on 817, his apartment. I feel like I have to throw up. I knock on his door, still unsure of what I'm going to do when someone answers.
Then he opens the door.
"Jo?" His eyes dart down to the book in my hand. "Jo."
The tears fall fast from my face like they were just sitting there waiting for their time to shine. "Are you kidding me, Greyson? You wrote a book about me? You wrote a fucking book about me? About us?" I say angrily through my hot tears. "You can't fucking do this. You can't come back into my life after you left me."
"Jo, let me explain."
"How do you explain this? There's nothing to explain. You wrote it all right here!" I shout, holding the book up. "You should have told me. Why didn't you fucking tell me? Why didn't you just tell me, Greyson? I wouldn't have to be standing here yelling at you if you had just told me. Why didn't you just tell me?"
As each words leaves me, I fall apart more and more. I'm crying, screaming, I probably look insane, but I'm so broken. I'm just broken and I'm so tired. I'm so tired of life being so hard.
I push him forward into his apartment. "Was this book worth it? Huh? Was it worth this?" I shove him forward even more, until I'm fully in his apartment, but I just keep shoving him and yelling at him because there's nothing left to do. I throw his book across the apartment and scream, "How could you do this to me? My life is good. Why, Greyson?" I'm crying, bawling my eyes out. My tears feel like they're boiling on my hot tear-stained face.
He grabs my arms as I fall to the floor. "Why did you do this to me, Greyson? I didn't ask for this. Why?" We're both on the floor and I don't even realize he's holding me until I almost collapse in a fit of exhaustion. "You left me. This isn't fair."
I fall into his chest, crying and barely able to catch my breath so it sounds like I'm having a panic attack which I probably am.
"I'm sorry, Jo. I'm so so sorry," He says, but it isn't enough. It will never be enough. "I just-I didn't know what to do. You looked happy with him, I couldn't ruin that. I couldn't ruin that for you."
"I wasn't happy!" I exclaim, pulling away from him and looking him in the eyes. "I was still madly in love with you. It was only a year later, Grey! Do you think I could get over you in a year when you promised me we'd be forever? Do you think that's something you get over in a year? I was just trying to numb the pain you caused me, pain that you could have avoided, or at the very least fixed. Instead, you left me broken. You are the reason I am like this."
"You don't get to write a book about me saying you still love me. You don't get to do this. Greyson, it's not fair!"
Sitting there on the floor with him, looking into his brown eyes like I have a thousand times before, I have never felt more unsure of anything in my life. It's like everything I thought I knew is false. Nothing makes sense anymore.
"I didn't want to leave you, Jo," He says, breaking the silence of my thoughts. "You will never understand how it fucking destroyed me to do what I did. I thought you were forever, okay?" I think I see a glisten of tears in his eyes, but he looks away from me before I can be sure.
"Everything I wrote in that book is true, and it always will be. I will always love you and the way I love you is not the same way I love Taylor. It's like you have this grasp on my heart that I will never be able to break," He explains and I can't help but think that we're both in committed relationships, and yet we're sitting here doing this. It's so wrong. All of it. "But it's not us anymore and I get that. I don't want to mess up your life. I genuinely want nothing more in this world than for you to be the happiest person in the world and live out the happiest life."
"Without you," I fill in. That's the reality of it. It won't be with him.
"I wish it didn't have to be like this, but I love Taylor and you love Connor."
"Yeah, but you got your closure, Grey. You wrote your book and moved on with your life and now you're engaged! I never got my closure and finding that book just ripped open that slowly healing wound. I'm right back where I was seven years ago and it's all your fault."
He looks up at me with sad eyes, like he wishes he could change this all. But this is his fault. This will always be his fault. All his fucking fault, not mine. I did nothing wrong.
He reaches a hand up to my face, but I slap it away and find my way up to my feet. "I hate you, okay? I hate you for coming back into my life and bringing up all the feelings I spent such a long time burying. It's clear you don't care about me anymore, because if you did you would not have done this to me," I spit out, wiping the rest of my tears from my face. "I wish that I could stand here and curse you out and tell you that I don't love you anymore and I never want to fucking see your face again, but then I'd be lying to you and I'd be lying to myself and at least one of us should be honest here."
He gets up on his feet and pleads with me through his eyes. It's always those eyes that get me. Those eyes are not mine to admire anymore. "Jo, I-"
"Don't," I hold a hand up to his face. "Please, just do me a favor and don't give me those eyes ever again. I'm not the girl you should be giving them to anymore."
I take a last look at him because I've decided I cannot ever see him again. He's not mine anymore and that's it. It's over. We're over.
I don't bid him goodbye, or hug him or scream at him anymore. I just turn around and walk out, feeling emptier than ever before.
* * *
I hate myself for ending up here, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to go. I found myself just dying for a cigarette, ironic as that is.
I don't really smoke anymore, maybe once in a blue moon when I'm feeling a little nostalgic. Connor thankfully weaned me off of it. But this whole night had me dying for one, so I walked out of his apartment and down the street to the nearest convenience store selling them. I've decided this is my last night in the city. I need to get out of here. Even if my dream job is here, I need to leave. It's bad for my mental health.
I'm standing outside the store, smoking my cigarette when I find myself starting to cry. It's not a dramatic cry that has people staring, but I feel tears falling my face as I bring my cigarette to my lips.
I don't think this pain is really describable.
It's embedded so deep inside of me, and I feel it taking over my heart and my mind and I feel it twisting my stomach and causing my legs to go weak. It's not fair that he still has this effect on me because I love Connor. This pain, this reaction to his book, the feelings I have — it's all involuntary.
I don't want this.
I don't want to feel any of this, and if I could help it, trust me I would. Connor is seriously the best person to come into my life. He's made me see light where I always saw darkness and made me feel the happiness of life that I'm supposed to feel. It's just that Greyson has this pull on my heart that I can't control.
I still find myself choosing Connor in every scenario, but then find myself going back to Greyson as well. It's like an argument between my heart and my mind and they can't seem to choose.
I feel my phone buzzing and see that it's an unknown New York number. I answer and hear, "Johanna? It's Rose Fitzgerald."
I perk up immediately. "Oh, Rose! Hi," I say, wiping the tears from my face.
"I know it's late, but I was calling because I never heard back from you on your answer and I know your flight back is in the morning."
I throw my head back. Fuck. I've been so unsure of what to do, but this whole night has made me want to leave this city more than ever. "Yes, I'm sorry. It's been such a crazy week for me," My voice cracks as I say it and I feel the tears well up in my eyes so I clear my throat before continuing. "I'm just not sure it's the right timing for me. There's a lot going on for
me right now."
The line goes silent for a moment before her voice comes out again. "Sweetheart, you don't sound right. Where are you now?" I glance up at the street signs and tell her. "Stay there. I'm going to send a car to pick you up. You sound like you need to talk."
She hangs up before I can argue against it so I stand and wait for the car.
* * * * *
yo yesterday was wack for me + i got 30 mins of sleep last night
han