The rest of the week I kept up with my double life. Now that I have Boe as my connection to getting more coke it was a lot easier to get my hands on it. We snuck out at lunch a few times to use before going back to class. I became almost sad when the weekend came. Without having school to go to and without having the 'leaving for lunch' excuse I needed to come up with something better when I wanted to use again. The weekend came and I was stuck at Marissa's while Dianna and Eddie are off somewhere for the weekend on a housewife trip. I'm actually getting used to the cameras being there but also having to keep up the act at the same time!
After Maddie and I get settled in the guest room, Maddie went to take a phone call so I go downstairs to watch some TV. With nothing on, since it's a Friday I go on Netflix and decide on a Tyler Perry movie.
Maddie then comes back and asks, "hey my friends are going to a club. Do you wanna go?"
I roll my eyes, "why would I wanna do that? When we get there you're just ditch me and I'm gonna be bored as all hell." That actually is a good idea! Maybe I can hang with Boe!
Maddie rolls her eyes, "why are you so pissed off all the time?"
"Really? You're gonna yell at me just because you're not getting your own way. You're not the only child anymore, deal with it."
"Excuse me. You should be greatful that you are even living with us..."
All of a sudden Marissa comes running into the room and says, "what's going on?" We both start talking at the same time but then Marissa says, "one at a time."
I then say, "Maddie wanted me to go to a club with her but I said I didn't want to because she was just gonna ditch me."
Maddie interrupts, "totally not true. She has to chaparone me since I'm not allowed to go without her."
I laugh, "and the plot thickens. How interesting. Now I'm a babysitter."
Marissa takes a breath and says, "Jessy. You're going."
Maddie and I both say, "what the hell?"
"You guys seem really tense so you should probably do some bonding. I am gonna set a curfew of one am and also no drinking what-so-ever."
"I am 17 and Madison is 13 years old. Why do we have to have the same curfew. I had to be home from friends at 10 at the age! You have to be kidding me."
"It's that or go home."
"I have to stay here, Dianna and Eddie don't want me home alone all weekend."
"No, you can stay the night there. You are 17 as you kindly pointed out." I roll my eyes and go back upstairs to get ready.
I walk to Marissa's room and go to her closet to pick out an outfit. If I am going to a club I have to look really cute. I pick out a red dress that I think would look good on me and lay it on the bed while I take a shower. I decide to curl my hair for a change when I get changed. I look in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes. That's not good. When did those get there? It must be from the lack of sleep... or the other thing.
I go back into the guest room and put on foundation and cover-up to get rid of the dark circles and add a smoky eye. Now nobody will notice. I look pretty cute. Sweet. I pick up my purse by my bed and walk out to see if Madison is ready. I sit back on the couch and turn on the TV hitting play on the Tyler Perry movie. It might be a while before she is ready. I might as well continue the movie.
Ten minutes later Madison came out of her room, "Are you ready?"
I nod, "You?"
"I am now."
I turn off the TV once again and we get someone to drive us to the club. For some reason it did not click that the club Madison wanted to go to tonight is the same club I go to. Uh oh. Crap. I hope nobody notices me. I hope nobody tries to talk to me and gives away to Maddie that I come here often. We got out of the car and walked into the club. What was I thinking? I should have at least asked Maddie which club she wanted to go to. We find a table near some of Maddie's friends and sit down. I decide it's probably best if I just sit here. I cannot go near the bar otherwise I will be recognized and I cannot go near the club owner or manager because they know me too. I better sit down and watch, as much as it sucks.
I wish I could be out there dancing and having fun too, but it's not the same. It's not the same without the coke or alcohol in my system. I think too much without it. I can't do anything either because Maddie will recognize that something is different about me. Then my secret is out and I am having too much fun keeping it.
I do realize however that Maddie is a complete angel. A few guys stop by to offer us drinks but Maddie declines and so do most of her friends. A half hour later somebody else came over and offered a few different kinds of drugs. As much as I wanted to say yes I didn't and Maddie said no to that too. She is growing up to be exactly like what Demi preaches. She refuses to drink or do drugs. I suspect because of what Demi went through. She just can't see how much fun it is. Maybe if she realized how great it is she might not refuse it every time. Madison's friends take her friends to drag her onto the dance floor.
"Come on Jessy!"
I fake a smile, "No thanks, maybe the next dance."
They take her onto the dance floor and start dancing. This sucks. It's not any fun to be here when you're sober and clean. How are they having any fun at all? I wish I sneak into the bathroom or sneak a drink, but I probably shouldn't. I know if Maddie suspects anything she will tell the rest of the family and there goes my secret. Who knows what they will do to me if they find out what I have really been up to. Surprising I did not touch anything all night. Maddie did manage to drag me out for a song or two, but that's all I did. Eventually she became tired and it was getting closer to 1.
As we get into the car Madison asks, "what do you wanna do when we get to Marissa's?"
I shook my head, "I'm pretty tired, sorry. I think I would rather go home to sleep in my own bed."
Maddie was dropped off at Marissa's first then I finally made it home. I cannot believe I actually lasted an entire night without doing anything at all. That does not happen often. Well... now I have the house to myself. It's weird being in a huge house all alone. I go to my room and take my make-up off in the bathroom. I take out my comfy pajamas and curl up on my bed. I slowly started to drift off, half asleep and half awake.
As soon as we got inside I was thrown against a wall and our making out intensified. He started grabbing my breasts and I got a little nervous for the first time since starting my fun. I ignored my feelings until he ripped off my shirt and started sucking on my nipples. Suddenly he picks up and moves me to the bedroom, him on top of me on the bed. My bad feelings couldn't be ignored anymore after his shirt and pants were off.
I suddenly sit up in my bed screaming. Dammit. I wish these flashbacks would stop. Why can't I just forget it?! I go to the bathroom, getting a glass of water, and take a few sips out of it. I threw my blankets off me realize how hot I suddenly was. I set the glass on the table next to me and tried to fall back asleep. Sleep didn't come though. The nightmare however did.
I started screaming as he jammed his fingers into my vagina; not only out of pain but because I was terrified. I try to get him off and try to kick him. This resulted in him making me give him oral sex. He thrusted in and out of me forcefully; me gagging every second. Just as my face began to turn blue he took it out. Relieved, I tried to curl up in a ball wanting it to be over but he soon released my arms and forced himself into me. I almost passed out from the sheer pain.
I sit up, another scream escaping my mouth. I don't think I will be getting sleep tonight. I hate this. I hate everything. What is wrong with me? I get up, searching through my purse, and finally find my bag of coke. Hey, I might as well. I do have the house to myself after all. Nobody will catch me. I won't need to think of an excuse for this time.
I go to the bathroom to use it and throw it back in my purse when I am done. I turn on the stereo and lay back down on my bed. This is the feeling I've been waiting for. The flashbacks stop and I find myself singing along to the music. I got so into listening to one of the songs I stood up and danced. Eventually my high wore off and I find myself in front of a mirror. The dark circles under my eyes returned but that is not what I was concentrated on. My eyes fixed on my stomach. I think it's getting bigger. It's practically huge. I run to the bathroom and throw up the food from earlier. My stomach does not need to be getting any bigger. I need to get skinnier, and fast. I wipe my mouth and sit on the bathroom floor. This night did not turn out to be what I expected.