Days and weeks and eventually months passed with little of note happening in Lavinia's life. This, she decided, was a good thing. She liked when her life was boring, liked when every day was normal. Loved it, actually.
She spent her mornings with Remus and her days at work and her evening and, occasionally, her nights, with Ethan. She met Miriam for lunch every Friday afternoon and enjoyed her company and sometimes the company of her wife.
Ethan took her to London and they spent a weekend in Belgium and an afternoon wandering the hills near Lavinia's house with no goal in particular. In May, Lavinia met his sister, a quiet but shockingly funny woman who had informed her that where Ethan was the artist of the family, she, Beatrice, was the writer. And then the woman had wandered off on some tangent about the latest book she'd read and left Lavinia to riddle out why exactly, Beatrice seemed to think she'd just explained everything she needed to about herself in that one word.
All in all, life was blissfully ordinary and Lavinia had never enjoyed it more. It seemed to her like everything might finally be working out. Like she might finally have figured it out. Might finally be happy. Not just okay and not just existing but... happy. It was the strangest and lightest feeling in the world and Lavinia was amazed by how long it lasted.
In October of 1988, the Mungo Bonham ward experienced something it hadn't for many many years. Certainly not in Lavinia's time working there and, according to Robert and Elias, not at any point that they could remember either. Bertie said he had once worked in the ward when it had happened, but by his best guess, it had been at least thirty years.
This strange thing was that a fifth person decided to join the ward's staff. In addition to the trainee who had joined nearly four years ago now and who hardly seemed like a trainee anymore for all that it was still his title, Robert informed them all that a young woman would be working with them starting in October.
Lavinia thought this would be rather nice. She enjoyed her coworkers company and had had no trouble whatsoever at work, but she did think it would be rather nice to have another woman in the ward. It shouldn't really have mattered, actually, because Lavinia didn't suppose it would make much of a difference one way or another, but she was still rather of the opinion that she could do with having more women in her life. Miriam was, of course, a delight and her wife, Kama, was equally lovely, but Lavinia didn't see Kama terribly often and Miriam on her own was simply a lot. Not that she didn't adore the other girl, but she had long ago learned that Miriam was best done in small doses. Besides, she thought, it was always good to see younger women working in the hospital because they rather seemed to be in the minority.
What Lavinia hadn't at all expected however, was the mere child who walked into the ward on that early October morning. Granted, she was taller than Lavinia was but... but she was so young. Her face is so smooth and round and her eyes... Her eyes looked so very innocent. So... unhaunted.
It was like a punch to the stomach and though Lavinia had made absolutely sure that none of her shock showed as she's greeted the girl warmly and showed her around, when she'd returned home, she'd plopped down on the couch next to Remus, staring at the wall as he raised an eyebrow at her.
"I'm fucking old," she informed him, tearing her eyes away from the nothin in particular that she'd been fixed on. She had never before felt old, really. She knew she was still young, really. But... but looking at that girl... She'd felt suddenly, strikingly old.
Remus snorted, probably both at the sentiment and her frankly unnecessary profanity. "First of all, no. You're really not," he pointed out. "And second of all, where exactly did this come from?"
Lavinia sighed and returned to staring at the wall. "There's a new trainee in the ward and she's so... young." Which wasn't exactly what was throwing her off, but... but it was so weird. So very weird. She knew, of course, that she was nearing thirty and it wasn't really that she thought that was old, it was more that... that it felt like it couldn't have been that long ago that everything had fallen apart. And before that she'd only worked in the ward for a few years. Which somehow seemed a lifetime ago. Like those few months she had taken off to go into hiding had stretched for eons.
And looking at that young face, it had hit Lavinia, far more forcefully than she'd thought it could, that it had been seven years. Seven years since Sirius had left. Seven years since James and Lily had died. Seven years. Which meant... little Harry Potter was eight. And she had missed every birthday. Every Christmas. Every everything. She hadn't seen him in seven years. She would have no idea what he looked like.
A weight settled in Lavinia's stomach, old guilt creeping in and she sighed, shoving it away as best she could. It would do her no good to dwell on that guilt. None at all.
"It just doesn't feel like it's been so long since... everything," she admitted filling the silence that had fallen and shaking her head slightly, like she could deny the idea with a simple gesture.
Remus watched her closely for a moment, then nodded, looking over to the mantle where all of their pictures sat, dusty and mostly untouched in the past few years. "I know what you mean," he murmured and there was a resignation to his voice that Lavinia took to mean he understood what she meant, more so than he could ever put into words.
She was grateful for that. Grateful that he understood that this wasn't just some silly comment or passing wonder, but an admission of just how much the passage of time had been distorted by grief. How much the years had blurred beneath her pain. How the sudden clarity she had felt at seeing that young, young face had been a wake up call, not just to how much the hells of those early years had changed her view of... of everything really, but that it still did. That even now time was strange. Even now there were days when she woke up and reached across the bed and expected there to be warmth there. Even now there were times when she woke up to Ethan next to her and was shocked that his hair was brown, not black. That he was shorter than she'd expected. There were still days even, when she caught herself wondering when Sirius would be home, or thinking he ought to be walking in the door any minute now.
And yes, those days were rare. They were infrequent and unpleasant when they happened but... but they were there. And the grief they sparked... it continued to warp time. To make all those hells feel like they had only just ended. Like they might have been a month ago. Or yesterday. Not seven years.
Seven years.
Lavinia shook herself slightly and stood, excusing herself quietly before going back to her room to change out of her work clothes. She didn't suppose there was much sense dwelling on it really. Because at the end of the day, it wasn't like there was much she could do about it and dwelling on it was already bringing up thoughts she'd rather not have.
So she and Remus didn't bring it up again. But Lavinia, still unable to shake those thoughts entirely, did mention it to Ethan that night as they ate dinner at his small and very scratched wooden dinner table. "Well loved" he called it. "Old" was the word Lavinia would have used but... that was Ethan for you.
And sitting at that table, Lavinia told him about the young girl who had started work today. Who had made Lavinia wonder at how quickly the years had passed.
There was a very simple reason why, too. Where Remus had understood the grief of it... she thought Ethan might understand another part of it. A part she thought wouldn't sound strange or off to him simply because very little sounded strange or off to his ears. He was more inclined to term Lavinia's disjointed or nearly nonsensical sentences as poetry than ravings
And it was for this that Lavinia admitted how shocked she had been. Admitted how very old it had made her feel. And when Ethan smiled at her, she knew he understood that it wasn't just physical age that she'd felt.
It wasn't just that it didn't feel like it had been so very long since the incidents of seven years ago. It was also that... that it didn't feel like she'd aged only seven years. It felt sometimes like her soul, her heart, was so much older than that. Like the girl inside of this body was ancient. Like she had lived lifetimes and endured all the hells of the world. Not like she was two months away from thirty. Not like she was still young.
And Ethan simply smiled and nodded. "You've lived more than most," he told her frankly, like that was that and there was nothing more to it.
Lavinia blinked, tipping her head to the side. She'd never thought of it in such terms and it sounded... almost silly, actually. Because she hadn't. She had lived 29 full years. That was all. Just the same as Remus. A year less, even, than Miriam, who somehow always seemed younger, like she was filled with a light and vitality that Lavinia had forgotten or maybe just never had in the first place.
As though guessing that she didn't understand him, Ethan elaborated, pulling Lavinia from her attempts to riddle out just what he'd meant. "You've loved more than most," he told her. "I see it sometimes. When you stare off into the distance. You've loved very much. And," he added with a sad smile, "You've lost more than most. If I had to guess, you've lost more than most people have in their entire lives."
Lavinia's eyes pricked with tears and something clenched in her chest at those words. Because... because he was right about at least one thing. She had loved so much. She still did. No matter how hard she tried not to. And, as was apparently a trend today, she suddenly realized something was awful clarity. Something she had known but not wanted to acknowledge. Known and yet... yet not known.
She still loved him.
After years and years, some part of her heart still loved him. Still waited for him. Even as other parts of her hated him for ever leaving in the first place. For ever lying to her too. And she knew then that if she had bothered, if she had wanted to, she could have pushed that love away. Could have buried it so deep it would neer surface again. But... she didn't. Not because she couldn't bring herself to but because she didn't want to. Because even if he hadn't chosen her, some part of her would always choose him.
Lavinia raised her eyes from the plate in front of her and looked across the table to the sweet brown haired boy who had simply returned to eating like he hadn't just said something that cracked the edge's of Lavinia's self made cage.
It wasn't fair to him. Not fair at all. Not even close.
Which she didn't want to think about because he was sweet and he was kind and she wanted him in her life. Badly. She wanted to keep seeing how bright the world was with him, wanted to keep watching him love and trust so freely. Wanted to keep learning those things from him because she could feel it, could feel her heart mending in little bits and pieces, could feel herself remembering how to trust despite the lie that had broken everything.
But she couldn't keep doing this. Couldn't hold him back when he deserved so much better. When he should have had someone who was wholly, completely honest. Who loved him with all of their heart because someone would. She was utterly sure of it. And if her heart hadn't been claimed years and years ago... she might have been that person. But it had. So she wasn't.
She opened her mouth, half ready to say something right then and there, to tell him she had to stop lying, stop pretending. That he deserved better.
But Ethan beat her to speaking. "Any chance I can convince you to go hunting for a cave with me? A friend said he found one and that I'd like it, but he's always busy so... I figured I'd go myself. There should be lovely stars tonight," he added, almost as an afterthought.
Lavinia paused, her mouth still open. She knew she should have said it, knew it was better to just get it over with but... but his smile was so bright and... and she would like a walk on the beach and time to watch the stars. They always settled her.
So she smiled. "Of course," she said. Then, half hoping to cover the awkward pause before she'd answered, she added, "You know I'm easily bought with the promise of stargazing."
Ethan grinned, his eyes dancing. "That I do," he assured her with a little laugh.
Something shifted in Lavinia's heart and she honestly didn't know if it was melting or breaking, but she ignored it. She would think about it later, she told herself. She would figure this out later. Because right now... right now it was a cold, clear night and the new moon was tomorrow and... and she wanted this. She wanted to just love him. Selfish though that might have been.
So she said nothing and ignored the hiss of guilt in her chest as they walked arm in arm down beneath the bright, clear stars. And for this one last time, she loved him easily, without a moment of doubt in her heart. And she soaked in the love he offered in return. Wishing her love could even come close to the aid and affection he gave her each and every day. Even though she knew it couldn't because her heart... her heart didn't belong to only him. Would never belong to only him. And she knew there was nothing she could do to fix that.
A/N: Y'all this is part 168 and I'm starting to get very nervous about that chapter limit... I think if I hit it, I'm just gonna make another book and have the description basically be "THIS IS BOOK 2 AND IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE ON ITS OWN PLEASE LOOK AT BOOK 1" Just like that. All caps and everything cause we know people listen to caps lock.
In other news, I'm up in the mountains again cause we're redoing our deck and I don't wanna deal with the noise while I'm trying to do classes. Though that project may be postponed bc there's supposed to be snow tomorrow. And before you ask, yes, it's been hot all week and today's high was 90 F (32.2 C) and the overnight low is about 25 F (-3.9 C) so... you know. This is totally normal. On the plus side, hopefully it'll help kill the wildfires cause it's been so smoky I can barely breath. Shout out to asthma. You're going a great job of preventing me form functioning like a normal human being. Thanks for that.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I will be back again tomorrow!
P.S. Update schedule for this week is as follows: MTWF. Basically, just not Thursday and if you don't know why, peep back a few chapters I gave a solid rant about why Thursdays suck :P Normally, I think I'd also skip Tuesdays, but since today was Labor Day, I didn't have class and I could write to my heart's content, so I'm updating tomorrow as a bonus, I guess :)