[Katy]
"Yeah, I'll come in later." I speak down the phone to my manager, Bradford, whilst running a hand exhaustedly through my hair. I had completely forgotten that he needed me in at Capitol today and it was only when he reminded me that I remembered how much work we had yet to do. "It completely slipped my mind, but uh- I'll give you a text in a couple of hours."
"Alright, Kate. Have you called Bonnie?"
I scrunch my eyes up instantly. Shit. He had reminded me last night and I had still somehow managed to forget.
As I sighed down the phone in response, I lifted a hand to my warm forehead, feeling a wave of dizziness sweep through my entire body. It felt like I had been drinking. Drinking quite a lot, actually. As if I had been out on a night out with Shannon. Except I hadn't, and for some reason, I felt slightly worried.
"Katy?" Bradford asks on the other end of the phone I still have held to my ear.
"What?" I say in confusion. "Oh, right, uh- n-no I haven't called Bonnie. I'm sorry it just-"
"Slipped your mind?" Bradford cuts in.
I hear the disappointment in his voice, which was a heartbreaking thing to hear, especially since it was Bradford. Not only was he my manager, but he was an extremely incredible friend to me. I hadn't been with it these past few weeks, and when one domino falls, so do they all. I had piled the pressure on Bradford a lot recently.
"Yeah," I sigh, my voice full of guilt. This wasn't like me. I'm organized and motivated when it comes to my music. "I'm really sorry, Bradford."
"Katy, is everything okay? You haven't been yourself recently."
Great, another person I now have to lie to.
"Everything's fine. I've just been a little sick. Can you call Bonnie for me please? If she is busy just do all you can to get her there. Tell her I messed up and, and I'll apologise when I see her for the last minute scheduling."
I hear a deep breath of air come from Bradford's end of the phone, and I remind myself how lucky I am to have Bradford in my life. There are times when I know I would be absolutely lost without him. "Okay." He says, "see you later."
"Bye, Brad."
I push my cell into the back pocket of my black jeans, groaning to myself at the same time. What was happening to me? This pregnancy had really taken it's toll on me this time.
Most people would have done a pregnancy test by now, knowing that it's almost impossible to go days until you can see your doctor to find out if your life is about to change. Me, on the other hand, right now, felt too afraid. Not only that, but I was not risking going into a Drug Store and being papped buying a pregnancy test. That would just be a way of making this whole situation a thousand times worse, so I decided a doctor's appointment would just be best.
I looked up, seeing Oliver now walking across the room with Luke in his arms. I smile at the sight.
"Babe, you remember that I said I would go grab a coffee with Shannon this morning, don't you?"
I gulp after I have spoken. My voice was far too shaky just then. I prayed to God he didn't realise I was lying.
"Yeah," Ol says with a smile, clearly too distracted by the fidgeting two year old he was putting into his chair. "I'm going into work for a couple of hours anyway whilst Luke's at the child minder."
I look at my little boy who now sits in his high chair with a strawberry flavored yogurt in one hand and a spoon in the other. A bit of the yoghurt that is smeared around his lips makes me giggle.
His green eyes stare down into his yoghurt pot, before dumping the spoon back into it. I love how much it amuses him when he lifts the spoon up to place it into his mouth but accidently gets a bit of the creamy mixture on the tip of his nose.
I stand up, laughing softly to myself and picking up a tissue from the side table.
"You are one messy little buggar, you know that?" I say to my son as I begin to wipe around his lips with the tissue.
Luke doesn't say anything. I just get a cheeky grin in reply as he places another spoonful of yoghurt into his mouth.
I hear the soft giggles of Oliver behind me, before the feel of his hand on my back becomes present. It's so warm, making the place on my back where his hand sits become warmer than the rest of my body.
"I gotta go," I whisper to Oliver when I turn to him.
He puts a little more pressure onto where he's holding my back, so that I'm forced to step forwards two steps. I'm chest to chest with him at this point. I can see the many different colors of green in his eyes, and I almost forget about my doctor's appointment in twenty minutes. I'm too lost in his touch and his eyes for my brain to process anything in this moment of time.
"Don't be home too late," Ol says, pressing his forehead against mine.
I slowly allow my eyes to close, "I'll be as quick as I can."
"Good, because I finish work at around three-thirty and Luke is only being picked up from Claire's at five-thirty, so if you're feeling any better..." He says with a gentle kiss to my collarbone, his hands dropping further down my waist at the same time.
A soft laugh leaves my lips when I realise what he's implying. A few hours alone with Oliver was definitely a need right now. And the timing couldn't be more perfect. If what I think is going to happen turns out to be happening, then tonight, just us two, would be a perfect time for me to be honest with him and tell him.
"I'll leave Capitol at three-thirty then," I murmer against his lips, leaving a sweet kiss in their place.
"Don't be late."
***
The best thing about private doctor's appointments rather than a hospital is the fact you're seen pretty much immediately. I praised them for that. I really wasn't in the right mood to sit in one of their chairs in the waiting room with the material that itches your skin, just thinking things over and over in my head to the point where I actually turned insane.
I had signed in with my name and date of birth, and within a minute and a half the words 'Katheryn Hudson, Doctor Kingsley - Room 12' had flashed up on the screen in front of me. Though that was when the nerves really kicked in.
I took a deep breath as I stood up, straightening out my shirt with my hands. I was dressed extremely low key today, but of course that wasn't enough to stop people second glancing me in the waiting room.
My hair hung in a loose bobble, a few strands falling to the sides of my face. A dark grey beanie hat sat on my head and a pair of black Raybans covered my eyes in a bid to make myself seem invisible. I wasn't dressed to impress either. Just a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and an opened button purple checked shirt with a white T-shirt underneath was enough for me today. I wore very little make up; just a little blusher to add some color to my extremely pale cheeks. That was an attempt to get rid of this sick look I had going on at the minute, which was something both Oliver and Sammie had managed to pick up on yesterday and the day before.
"Katy," my doctor addresses me, and I look up, not noticing that I had my eyes on the floor the entire walk to his room.
Doctors don't usually address their patients by their first names, but Doctor Andrew Kingsley had been my doctor for eleven years now so we knew each other quite well. He had treated me with everything from a common cold to a serious throat infection which nearly made me have to cancel an entire world tour a few years back.
He stands in the doorway of his room with the door in one hand, dressed in his normal white shirt and black blazer with his short brown hair gelled to one side.
"Doctor Kingsley," I reply, looking up at the fourty year old through the dark lenses of my glasses. "Thank you for seeing me."
"Of course. Come on in and take a seat."
I do as he says, closing the door shut behind me. His doctor's office is the same one I have been sitting in for the past eleven years. Nothing much had changed, except for the family picture of him, his wife, his daughter and two sons that hung just behind his desk.
I clasp my hands together tightly in my lap, feeling the sweat building up on the skin of my palms. Doctor Kingsley takes his seat in front of his computer and I politely remove the glasses from my face.
Slight panick erises in my body at the way my doctor looks at me once my glasses are removed. I think he notices the shadows under my eyes, the way my cheeks have sunk in and the color that was nonexistent in my skin. He looks at me in a similar way to how Oliver looks each time he looks at me and sees me looking like this. Eyes full of concern.
"What can I do for you today?" He places his pen down onto the hard surface of his desk and spins his body around so he is completely facing me.
I know he can see the fear on my face and the tiredness in my eyes. Hence the reason his eyebrows form a v shape.
I spend a few seconds stumbling over my words, not really making much sense at all. The room had suddenly become extremely hot and my brain had suddenly become unable to send messages to my mouth to speak.
"Take your time, I've got as long as you need," Doctor Kingsley says to me, and I appreciate his patience.
My mouth slowly opens, "I think I'm pregnant."
His head nods once in response, and I see him thinking carefully. He chews on the skin inside his bottom lip, looking at me at the same time. I know that he's looking at my sick appearance.
"Okay," he says, and I see his eyes flicker to my stomach and back. "And can I ask what makes you think you're pregnant? Have you done a test?"
"N-no. I couldn't really get ahold of one. Not when I have the paparazzi on my heels whenever I step out of my front door. I've been feeling really odd these past couple of weeks, and with my previous children I've suffered extremely bad morning sickness." Doctor Kingsley crosses his arms over his chest as he listens. "Looking at you, Katy...you are looking very unwell at the minute. Was your previous morning sickness as bad as this?"
I quickly shake my head in response. I had definitely not felt like this with Sammie and Lucas. This was completely waring me down, and had gotten to a point where my energy level was on empty.
"No, it wasn't." I admit.
"Can you describe your symptoms to me, please?"
I place both hands in my lap, "uh, I've been being sick, feeling pain in my stomach and I felt really dizzy this morning."
As I speak, Doctor Kingsley begins writing things down onto his computer. Just small notes that he can look back on later.
"What's your eating like?" He asks.
"I haven't really had much of an appetite recently, to be honest. Most things I do eat just comes back up."
I can see the concentration on his face whilst I'm speaking. The way he looks at me carefully and nods slowly allows me to see that he's processing the information I'm giving him and trying to form a final picture from the pieces.
"They're all very common signs of early pregnancy, yeah. Well, almost all. The stomach pain? Tell me a little more about that."
I inhale once through my mouth, then releasing it through my nose. "It was only a small amount of pain, and I had been to the gym around an hour or so previously so I think it was related to that."
"Yeah, that makes sense." He looks over at me with a slightly awkward expression on his face, "Erm, can I ask when you had your last period?"
I sigh at his question, "honestly, I really don't know. I usually write that in my diary but, I've just been so stressed out recently. My daughter was in hospital and work has been crazy...I have no idea."
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes whilst Doctor Kingsley writes more notes into his computer. The only sound coming from the tapping of his keys. It felt like I had been sat there in that chair for hours just staring at the cream wall in front of me, every now and again looking out of the window that gave a beautiful view of Los Angeles.
"Alright. Well, I would normally have my patients do an ordinary test, but I'm going to give you an ultrasound instead. At least this way we'll be able to see how far gone you are if you are actually pregnant, and I'm guessing that if you are pregnant you're going to be past a couple of weeks if you can't remember your last period."
"When?" I ask, and just as I've finished speaking, a nurse walks in behind me rolling a machine on wheels.
"Now."
I gulp as I nod. This was where my thoughts were either confirmed, or I had built myself up for absolutely nothing and I could just return home with no need to sit Oliver down and tell him we were going to have a third child. I prayed this was some sort of mistake. No part of me was ready for this at all.
I felt my entire body shaking as I laid myself down onto the bed towards the other side of the room. My head rested on the pillow and I suddenly wished I wasn't on my own. I was wrong. I did need a hand to hold. I did need that support beside me. But here I was, doing it alone because I couldn't admit to myself earlier that I was afraid.
"This is going to be a little cold, Katy, okay?" Doctor Kingsley says as I pull up my shirt to reveal my stomach.
A freezing cold substance falls onto my skin, that same cold feeling I had felt when I was having my ultrasounds with Sammie and Lucas. I was back to being that little terrified teenage girl that I was when I found out I was pregnant with Sammie. So timid and vulnerable.
The nurse stands beside my head, her eyes glued to the screen that held answers to my future. I feel the cold jelly like mixture being spread around the skin of my stomach as Doctor Kingsley begins the ultrasound.
I stare straight up at the ceiling, my top row of teeth biting down onto my bottom lip. Just a slight bit more pressure and my bottom lip would pour with blood. I could already feel the stinging sensation, and I stop, releasing a heavy breath of air back into the atmosphere. My bottom lip throbs, my head aches with anxiousness. I can't stop my body from trembling.
"Katy," I hear.
My eyes remain looking and the ceiling. I don't dare look at the screen. I just nod so he knows I'm listening.
"Those stomach pains you had...can you tell me a little more carefully where abouts they were?" My doctor asks me.
I lift up a hand and place it on my stomach in the area where I would get the pains.
"Your abdomen?" He asks me, to which I mumble as 'yes' in response.
"Do you ever get any kind of pain there after you've eaten?"
Continuing to stare at the ceiling, I try to think of the answer to his question. I lie there for a few seconds in silence.
"I did yesterday, just a little. It was after I had eaten lunch."
Doctor Kingsley looks at the screen with narrowed eyes, his hand clicking a button that took pictures of the different areas of my stomach. I rethought his questions in my head. What relevance was that to pregnancy?
And that's when I thought. I've miscarried.
"Doctor Kingsley?" I say through a shaky whisper.
He takes his eyes away from the screen to look at me. He doesn't say anything. He just hands the nurse the ultrasound and returns his eyes back to the screen.
"Can you give me a minute please, Katy? I'm just going to see a colleague of mine."
And with that, Doctor Kingsley leaves the room. I look at the young nurse beside me whilst she packs away the ultrasound machine, and I can't help but feel sick to my stomach. I didn't want a third child, but a miscarriage was definitely not what I wanted either.
How has this happened, Katy?
I pulled down my shirt after wiping away the remaining gel with a papertowel. I couldn't help the tears that formed in the corners of my eyes but I did everything I could not to let them fall.
I sat myself up in the chair, feeling another wave of sickness sink into my stomach. I wasn't sure whether it was me feeling genuinely unwell, or the thought of a miscarriage giving me all sorts of emotions that my body just needed to vomit.
My head snaps up as the door opens. I expect it to be Doctor Kingsley, but it's not just him. He is followed by another doctor, and as soon as they enter, the young nurse stops what she is doing and leaves the room.
"Come and take a seat over here with me, Katy?" My doctor says to me, motioning for me to follow him back to the seats we were sat in just ten minutes ago.
I do as he had so politely asked, returning to my seat. He sits in his, and his colleague pulls up a chair beside him.
I instantly feel a weird feeling. This was definitely bad news. That was clear just from the looks on their faces and the fact Doctor Kingsley had had to go and get a second opinion. He wouldn't have done that if it wasn't something serious.
I shivered.
"You're not pregnant," he firmly says.
I was right. I've miscarried. I've lost a baby.
In too much shock to speak, I don't say a single word. I physically can't. I just rest my head into the palm of a hand and close my eyes, but my eyelids burn from the exhaustion when I do.
"I've miscarried," I finally breathe out, looking up at the pair in front of me.
Just as I'm about to ask another question, Doctor Kingsley interrupts.
"No, Katy. You haven't miscarried. You never were pregnant. There was no baby."
The bottom half of my jaw drops open. All of this stress to be told that I'm not even pregnant.
It's as if God knows I'm not ready for that right now. He knows that a third child would be really challenging me, especially at the moment. I just felt so relieved I didn't have to come to terms with that or the fact that I had been pregnant but lost the baby.
"T-that's great," I breathe out, running my hands over my face in disbelief.
Doctor Kingsley leans forwards in his seat. "Yeah, I know bu-"
"I did not know how to tell Oliver."
"Miss Perry," for the first time, Doctor Kingsley's colleague spoke.
My head turns to him, about to thank him for his help today, but the way he slightly tilts his head and looks at me makes me think that there was something I needed to know. And that's the first time I notice the look on both of their faces.
"W-what is it?" I whisper.
Doctor Kingsley breathes out deeply through his nose. "The ultrasound showed that you aren't pregnant. However, it did show that you contained some abnormalities by your stomach."
Unable to understand the jargon that my doctor is speaking to me, I just sit there in complete oblivion.
"Abnormalities?" I question.
"An ordinary ultrasound doesn't really show much because it relies on the sound waves bouncing off of the internal organs to create a picture, which limits to what we can see and what we can't. That means that we are unable to say for one hundred percent what these abnormalties are." He released another breath. "Then I remembered that you said you had had pain recently, and it was actually pain in your abdomen...after you ate. You've been vomiting recently, had loss of appetite, and you definitely look like you've lost a fair amount of weight. "
I listen carefully to what he's saying, but I still don't manage to see what he is getting at. They mention things under medical terms that were of course a completely different language to me, about different organs and tissues in the body. Biology never interested me at school.
That's when they conclude what they were saying with a diagnosis that they say was 'highly likely'. Despite all of the medical jargon they had just spoke to me, this word was one I was extremely familiar with, and also extremely afraid of.
In a matter of thirty seconds, every single sound faded away into thin air. Every single feeling in my body disappeared until I felt entirely numb and unable to breathe. I starved my body of oxygen as I stared into the guilt ridden eyes of Doctor Andrew Kingsley. And that was when my entire world crumbled before my very eyes and I had absolutely no control over it. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't pick up the crumbling pieced and carefully glue them back together. Not this time.
No one can prepare a person for a point in their life when their doctor looks them right in their terrified eyes, takes a breath, and gives a diagnosis that every human spends their entire lifetime preventing.
I sat in my chair, unable to feel my heart beating anymore, as the sound of Doctor Kingsley's voice rings through my ears over and over again, repeating the same word he had just spoken, over and over again...
"Cancer."