Alliston
Why everyone seems too caught up with their own lives?
I am not okay. I am lost. I am broken. I am dying inside. Ain't someone can see through my pain?
It's been a week mula nang makarating ako dito. Nagpasundo ako noon kay Railey pero she's busy with her kid dahil nasa business trip daw si Alice at walang magbabantay dito. So fine, I can take a normal flight naman and risk myself without security to protect me.
I also asked Jen and Grant if they can keep me for the meantime dahil wala akong mapupuntahan, but they clearly told me that they can't accommodate me for now dahil due na ni Jen and she might give birth anytime soon. Wala daw mag-aasikaso sakin. So okay lang, pwede naman ako magcheck in sa hotel. Again, without security. Pero okay lang.
I asked Van and Leigh if they can accompany me in buying my clothes and necessities. O kaya naman ay samahan lang ako because I need someone to talk to. Pero maselan daw kasi yung first semester ng pagbubuntis ni Vanilla kaya hindi daw muna sila pwede sa ngayon. Van's having mood swing na baka daw ikapikon ko lang. So Leigh had to passed me to Sammie knowing that I might hurt them pag napikon ako sa kanila.
Si Sammie naman hindi ko na mahagilap. Busy lagi sa duty nito sa hospital. Bukod pa sa ayaw talaga ako nito magstay sa kanila dahil nagseselos pa din ito na crush ako ni Terry at lagi nawawala sa huwisyo yung asawa nya pag nakikita ako. Sige, okay lang din. Alangan naman ipilit ko di ba?
I am left with Aria, but I don't want to talk to her right now. Pag nakita ko sya, maaalala ko naman yung lintik na kapatid nya na sumira ng buhay ko at dahilan kung bakit ako miserable ngayon. So, No. Though Aria is still my bestfriend, sigurado ako na mahihirapan itong iweigh pag nalaman nito yung pinaggagawa ng ate nya. Worst part is, she'll try to justify her sister's actions. That's for sure.
So si Hariette na lang yung natitira na pwede kong puntahan. She will not push me away for sure kahit pa gaano kalaki yung galit nun sakin dahil sa ginawa ko last year about her kissing Candice. But the worst part? She's not here. Nasa Canada pa din ito at hindi pa din umuuwi matapos kumalat yung blind item na pinagawa ko dahil sa sobrang inis ko dito noon.
So here I am now, sitting infront of a counter of a random bar, drinking myself to death, alone.
Hoping my friends would notice that I need them too. Wishing that somehow, they can sense that I am not okay even if I say that I am.
I just need a friend to talk to right now. I thought we're all each other's beck and call? Pag kailangan nila ako, I am always making myself available for them. I need them now. Can't they spare me even a minute of their precious time? I just need them. I need to hug them. I need to feel their warmth and presence. I need them to make me feel that I am not alone this time that I need them most.
Siguro ganito yung pakiramdam ni Kyeroh noon na wala ako sa tabi nya. That's why he seeked Rachel's warmth. The fact that he needs comfort when everything's slowly falling into pieces and he just can't stop it. All you can do is to watch it and feel that agonizing pain. Siguro kaya nagawa ni Kyeroh iyon kasi pakiramdam nya tinalikuran ko na sya for always choosing my friends who won't even choose to be with me in the end.
Louella is right. It will only take one mistake. Just one mistake is enough to cut my perfection. Just with one taint, everything I've built my whole life will crumble into tiny pieces. Ngayon pa nga lang na hindi nila alam yung nangyari sakin, wala na silang oras. Paano pa kaya kung malaman nila? They will spite me for sure.
No, Alli. Stop thinking that. Hariette promised you that she will not hurt you and that she won't leave you. You just have to trust her. In the end, she's right. You only get the love you deserve so you two should stick together. You both got hurt by the flame that you thought are for you, you both loved a wrong person.
Staying with someone with a broken heart won't hurt mine because we both know how it hurts to be left out, to be not chosen. Hariette will choose me.
Tinitigan ko yung hawak kong baso ng alak. Trying to stop my trail of thoughts of what I've done wrong for them to abandon me. Hindi naman ako sa kanila nagkasala. Why are they also making me feel the burden I ought to take? Is this my punishment?
"Fuck you, guys. I am perfect. You all loved me. You all want my attention. You all told me that I am your most favorite person in the world." I bit my lower lip to control myself from sobbing as I whisper those words just enough for me to hear.
But maybe you just can't stop yourself from feeling.
I still love you guys. No matter how unjust or ungrateful you seem. I hate you all for not being here to confort me but I still love all of you. It's okay right? Maybe not all things are meant to be shared. These burdens, these negative emotions, these pains, I've created all of these alone, haven't I? So I should be responsible for it by myself too.
I took the shots in my glass. I ordered one and drank it again. Isa pa. Isa pa ulit. At isa pa. At isa pa. At isa pa. Until I lost count. Ang alam ko na lang ay napasubsob na ako sa counter sa sobrang pagkahilo.
I feel free. I am tainted anyways. Wala na din naman yung image na ang tagal kong pinrotektahan. For everyone, I am just like that. A mistress. A bitch. A slut. I was bedded by a married guy who has a pregnant wife. I'm fucked up. I don't have anything to lose anymore.
So yeah, fuck them all! Wala na akong pakialam if someone will recognize me or will take a picture of me this drunk. I just want to get lost. I just want to exile and never be found again.
No one loves me anyway. No one cares for me anymore. In the end, I became someone I fight my whole life not to become. Just a nobody..
Akala ba nila madali maging ako? They only thought how lucky I am for being where I am right now. But I worked every single second of my life for it. Hindi yun swerte. Halos patayin ko yung sarili ko kaka-training. I am lucky to be a self-made billionaire? Fuck you! Don't degrade my hard work.
Did they say I am lucky to be born with a wealthy and perfect family? Damn you all! My life wasn't perfect but you all just want to see how perfect those hidden imperfections.
What about with having famous friends? Just lucky to be in their circle? Damn! I deserve it! I worked for it. I am loyal to them. I keep my promises to them. I always make them feel that they can always count on me. When everyone's breaking, I am their anchor. They always run to me. I love them all and I make sure that they will always be reminded of it. Lagi ko silang tinatanong if how their day went. I see beyond their words. I read their actions. Because I know how it feels to pretend you're okay when deep inside you're screaming in pain. I don't want my friends to feel that.
Pero siguro nga ganoon talaga. Those who tries to keep everyone happy ends up the loneliest and left out.
"How many times do you plan to ruin yourself, Alli bear?"
Napaangat yung mukha ko mula sa pagkakasubsob sa counter nang marinig ko yung boses na yun. Mula sa nanlalabong paningin ko ay naaninag ko pa din yung itsurang iyon.
That bitchy face. What is she doing here?
"Get stuffed!" Iritableng sigaw ko sa kanya.
Tumawa lang ito pagkatapos ay sinuportahan yung likod ko para di ako tuluyang mawalan ng balanse sa pagkakaupo. Tinabig ko lang yung kamay nya.
"Sure. I want to get lost with you."
"Is that your way of saying you want to cop a root with me?"
"Oh, the Aussie's talking when drunk?" Naaliw na tanong pa nito.
Of course, she's a bitch. She is surely enjoying to see me breaking like this. Hope this will make her happy. Bakit ba sya andito? Maghahanap na naman ng pwedeng ipamblackmail sakin?
"You know what?" Umayos ako ng upo pero nahihilo na din talaga ako. Buti na lang at nasalo nito yung ulo ko.
Louella leaned closer that I can already sniff her scent. She smells a mixture of chocolate and vanilla.
"What should I know, Alli bear? That you're a mess and pathetic right now? Iniwan ka na din ba ng girlfriend mo? Awww. Kawawa ka naman."
"So what? I'm still perfect. I don't need them."
She smirked. "There's nothing perfect on you, Alliston. Get up! I'll bring you home bago ka pa iuwi na lang ng kung sino-sino. I know you're a bitch but I still have a tiny piece of conscience after seeing you like this."
"Get me up! I can give every guy a wristy in the washroom! Ayun naman yung pinpoint out mo di ba? Ninyong lahat!? I am a slut! So, Fine! Do you want me to fuck you too?" Malakas na sigaw ko sa kanya sa sobrang inis.
Ito naman ay tila natatarantang tinakpan yung bibig ko at saka napalingon sa magkabilang gilid nito.
Natawa naman ako. Is she afraid to be caught that she's actually asking someone for a lay? Tapos ngayong pinapatulan sya, bigla syang mahihiya ngayon.
Namumula yung mukha na naglabas ng pera si Louella mula sa purse nya at saka inilapag iyon sa counter. Hindi na nito tinanong kung magkano yung bill ko. Halatang galit na basta nya na lang din ako hinawakan sa braso at hinatak patayo.
"Holy Shit!"
Napatigil naman ito sa paghatak sakin nang mapansin nya na muntikan na akong matumba. Buti na lang at mabilis yung reflexes nito at nasalo ako nito.
"Dang, Alliston! You really want to be a mess? How irresponsible can you get para uminom ng sobra-sobra? What if I wasn't here? Anyone can take you home! You're really stupid! How disappointing!"
This time ay binuhat na lang ako nito palabas ng bar na iyon. Naiiyak na sinandal ko lang yung pisngi ko sa leeg nya.
This is your fault, Louella. You destroy my life. Everyone hates me now. No one loves me now. They will soon be disappointed on me. They will soon hate me. I will become just a nobody.
"Where's your girlfriend?" Tanong nito nang maipasok ako nito sa passenger seat.
Walang imik na sumandal lang ako sa headrest at pumikit. The world for me is still spinning though.
Ito naman ay umikot para makasakay sa driver's seat. Pagkatapos ay tinulungan akong ikabit yung seatbelt ko.
"Hoy, Alli bear!" Tinapik nito yung pisngi ko. "Saan kita ihahatid? Are you staying at Oliviar's residence?"
Umiling lang ako. Wala pa si Hariette. I wonder on when she's planning to come home too. I miss her. She should be here. Siya lang yung makakaintindi sakin.
"Pinabayaan ka ba nya after learning na wala ka ng uuwian? What kind of a girlfriend is that!?" Inis din na sabi pa nito.
Maya-maya pa ay nagdial ito sa phone nito. In-speaker nito iyon habang ikinakabit nito yung seatbelt nito. Ako naman ay pumikit lang. Ayokong umiyak sa harap ng bruhildang ito. I won't give her that satisfaction to destroy me more.
"Hello?"
Is that Aria? Mukhang antok na antok pa yung boses niyon.
Malamang tulog na yun kasi madaling araw na.
"Hey, Did I wake you up?" I bit my lower lip at how soft and sweet Louella's voice is while talking to her sister. "I just need to ask something."
"No. It's fine. What's up? Late na. Aren't you home yet? I told you to check your sleeping habit and consult our doctor." Even Aria's voice is so soft and sweet too.
Is that what it means to have a sister?
"Uhm, I bumped with Alliston. She's too drunk. I don't know where she's staying. Can you call her girlfriend?"
What?!
"Girlfriend?"
"Oliviar. Can't remember her first name." Supply pa ni Louella.
Napamulat naman ako sa pagkabigla. Holy crap! What the heck is she doing?
"Hariette?" tumawa pa si Aria sa kabilang linya. "Don't mind those two. Si Alli at Hariette talaga minsan may pagkaweirdo lang pero parehong straight yan. Baka may tinatakasan na naman. Do you want me to pick her up? Nasaan kayo? Alli might need someone to talk to. Why hadn't she call me? I'll make myself free naman."
Tinitigan ako ni Louella. Her face is blank.
"No need, babe. It's okay. I'll just drive her home."
"Do you know where she's staying?"
"Yep. Got to hang up now."
Before the line cuts off I heard Aria says, "I love you. Tell Alli I love her too."
After ending the call ay saka in-start ni Louella yung engine ng sasakyan nya.
"You're a deepshit liar, Alli bear. I really hate it when someone lies to me. So I'll do you one more favor again, idadagdag ko 'to sa listahan mo. And you know what?"
Napalunok ako sa kaseryosohan nito ngayon. "Continue to hate me. I'll give you more reasons to hate me. Sagarin mo na."
"I am not lying. Hariette's my girlfriend."
Tumaas lang yung kilay nito. "Girlfriend your ass. No, Alli. I've changed my mind. I am no longer allowing you to own anything. You should really know how to bow down to me."
"Sayo? Dream on!"
"You think you can own someone that's not yours? Try me, Alliston. I'll prove you that you don't belong to them."
"I never lose! Hariette loves me. She will always choose me. I own her."
Nagsalubong lang yung kilay nito. "You're wrong again, Alli bear. Why do you always make mistakes? Your fascination on inflicting yourself pain excites me. How self-destructive can you be pa?"
I clenched my fist. "I am telling the truth!"
"Want to play a game with me, Alli bear? Want to know who's better between us?"
Game on, Alli. Game on! Prove her that she's wrong too. Hariette is yours. She promised you.
But what if I am wrong? What if Hariette is still attracted to Grant or to Candice?
Then you lose your heart too. Accept your fate. You will become another version of Louella. A cold-hearted, merciless, sadistic bitch.
"I don't like to end up like you."
I smiled bitterly when she says,
"It's strange how our hearts burn.. and burn.." Louella's voice sounds undeniably hurt too. "and suddenly turn into ice. Is it our fault that people makes us like this?"
Is that a warning?
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