Lavinia was right. Not that she felt particularly good about it, but she was right all the same. By the beginning of the new year, the Order was falling apart. Their attacks were now fewer and farther between. Their coordination was failing and the Death Eaters were gaining ground. The Ministry wasn't being particularly helpful either. After an onslaught of muggle killings, they were tied up desperately trying to keep the muggle world in the dark and protect the International Statute of Secrecy. On top of all of that, multiple Ministry employees had started acting strangely and after a couple of very messy attacks, it became clear that the Death Eaters were using the Imperius Curse even more after it had proven to be a success the past months.
This created a new and somewhat frightening problem for the healers of the Mungo Bonham Ward as there was no counterspell for the Imperius Curse, but it was, theoretically, possible to fight it off. Lavinia had had a flash of inspiration and called on Miriam for help. Miriam, who worked in long term spell damage, was far more versed in what Lavinia would term psychological healing than anyone who worked in the Mungo Bonham Ward and with Miriam's help they had found ways to try to get people to fight the curse. The problem, of course, was that it was very difficult to tell when someone had done so successfully and until they had, they were a risk for rather violent escape attempts, more than one of which had resulted in minor injuries for the healers of the ward.
This did nothing to improve the inherent stress of working in the ward and yet, it seemed to be far from the worst of Lavinia's worries.
The world seemed to be in disarray. It wasn't just the Order who didn't know who to trust, it was everyone. Even at the hospital, people were afraid. Visitors were being screened, giving gifts to patients was banned after a woman being treated for scrofungulus nearly had her nose bitten off by a cursed book. One of the welcome witches was given an extended leave after a piece of paper handed to her by a mute patient had started trying to shred her hands. And those two incidents had turned out to be far from isolated.
There was no discernable reason for the resurgence of cursed objects as far as anyone seemed to know, other than the sheer terror inspired by it. And on that front, it was highly effective. No one had trusted strangers for a good long while now, but suddenly even coworkers were suspicious, acquaintances couldn't be counted on and even shopkeepers might sell you a cursed product and whether it was intentional or not was immaterial.
Put simply, the wizarding community was in utter chaos and didn't seem likely to pull itself together anytime soon.
And yet, in the middle of it all, life went on. Less because anyone wanted it to and more because it had to.
Lily and James sent Lavinia, Sirius and Remus baby pictures of little Harry, which they cherished because they could no longer visit very often. Shortly after that first battle involving Inferi, Dumbledore had asked the couple to go into hiding to protect their son. Lavinia didn't have the faintest idea what the Dark Lord of his Death Eaters could possibly want from a two month old baby, but she wasn't about to complain if it kept her friends and godson safe. If offered her some small peace of mind to know at least two of her friends were laying low. And she needed all the peace of mind she could get.
In mid November, Mr. Hayes pulled Lavinia aside at the end of her shift and told her that he had filled out the paperwork for her to become a full healer and that all he needed was her signature. Lavinia had signed happily and on the first of December, she celebrated her promotion alone in the little house by the sea, the others off on Order business that she knew nothing of because Dumbledore had insisted that all news these days was on a strictly need to know basis. And apparently, Lavinia did not need to know.
Even so, that quiet, lonely celebration was perhaps the only truly good day of those last few months of the year. Lavinia had stopped visiting both Miriam and Bertie because it was simply too risky when the Death Eaters were getting bolder. Though Rowle and Mulciber seemed to have mostly given up, Lavinia wasn't stupid enough to believe that they wouldn't jump at the first chance to catch her alone and unprotected. Besides, a few Death Eaters always lingered outside the hospital's staff entrance and Lavinia didn't think they were just for her. More likely, Voldemort recognized that healers would be a valuable addition to his army, as well as a useful source of information if he managed to nab the right sort.
So she sent her non-Order friends letters as often as she could. It wasn't the same, or even close really, especially since everyone had started being terribly careful about what they put into writing in case owls got intercepted, but it was better than nothing.
All in all, the year ended on a rather depressing note and the next one didn't start out much better.
Only a few days into the new year, Sirius came home looking tired and drained, having been off to Merlin knew where to do Merlin knew what for Dumbledore. Lavinia had greeted him with a quick peck on the cheek and the offer to make tea and listen to whatever he needed to say. This had become routine lately. If Sirius was home when Lavinia got back from work, he offered her the same thing: tea and a listening ear.
It was good, Lavinia knew, even if it was hard sometimes. Good to talk it out, good to speak without measuring the words. Good to remember that there was at least one person in the world that each of them could trust without thinking twice.
Once they both had tea in their hands and were sitting on the couch, Lavinia having tucked her feet up next to her so she was leaning against Sirius slightly, he started talking.
"We found two new giant camps," Sirius started without preamble, sighing slightly so the surface of his tea rippled. "Dumbledore said we might be able to get ministry support for our attacks, but we don't know if that's any better than getting more Order members. Obviously we need the numbers, but the Ministry is full of spies these days and we don't know if any of their hit wizards or Aurors might have been imperius-ed. Either way, we'll probably ambush in a week or so..." He trailed off and shook his head. "Technically, you're not supposed to know that," he sighed deeply before taking a sip of his tea and Lavinia mirrored the gesture, struck, not for the first time, by how old he sounded, how tired he was. How tired they all were.
Nonetheless, Lavinia offered a small smile, knowing that even quiet and tiny moments and gestures of happiness were worth a hell of a lot these days. "I know a lot of things I'm not technically supposed to know," she pointed out quietly.
Sirius sniffed slightly in agreement and nodded. "True," he admitted. "Very true. But... don't tell Remus."
Lavinia blinked and frowned, both surprised and rather annoyed by the implication in those words. "Why not?" she asked carefully. "He's an Order member. He's our friend."
Sirius nodded vaguely for a moment, then sighed again, his tea rippling more violently this time. "Yes, but... well... he does go undercover plenty," he pointed out, almost wincing as the words left his mouth.
Lavinia narrowed her eyes, uncurling slightly and dropping her feet back over the edge of the couch as she twisted to face him more fully. "So?" she asked, though she suspected she knew where this was going. She suspected Sirius likely knew where she was going too and neither of them really wanted to have this conversation but... But it was necessary. Lavinia wasn't about to let something like this slide.
Sirius looked at her almost sadly and huffed a breath. "So he's a liability," he argued gently, the words sounding painful and strained. "We can't account for all of the time he spends among Voldemort's supporters and even if he's not passing them information, he's too likely to get caught. He'll be informed, but not before he needs to be."
Lavinia didn't have words. She just stared at him, wishing she hadn't heard those words come out of Sirius's mouth, wishing he could take them back. Not that she was terribly surprised. No one trusted anyone these days and the stress of that reality was starting to take its toll on people. Especially Sirius, who had always valued trust so very much.
But... but what he had just said... The implication of those words... Lavinia didn't think she had much left to lose in this war, didn't think there was much left to risk, but the trust between her friends, the companionship and easy camaraderie between them, was something she had always taken for granted. And something she was not willing to risk, not willing to lose. Not without a fight.
"I can't believe you just said that," Lavinia whispered, shaking her head. It wasn't anger she felt now. No, it was something like disappointment - or maybe resignation - that they had reached this point, where the suspicion and distrust had gotten to such levels that Sirius didn't even trust his friend of ten years.
"Vin," Sirius sighed, setting down his tea and running an aggravated hand through his hair. "I didn't make that call. Dumbledore did."
"But you agree with it, don't you," Lavinia murmured. It wasn't a question.
"Vin..." Sirius groaned slightly and shook his head and when he looked at her, his eyes shone slightly, a terrible, aching pain reflected there. "I don't like it, Vin. I hate it. But I don't know who to trust. No one does. And I can't know for sure that he isn't... I mean I don't think he is, of course I don't. But I don't know."
Lavinia watched him for a long moment, her heart sinking even as her head whispered that he was right. That no one knew for sure. That suspicion was safer these days and safety was a precious commodity.
"You shouldn't have to know," she sighed, but not accusingly. No, she didn't have it in her to yell at him for this, not when she could see how much it hurt him. "That's the whole point of trust," she continued, keeping her eyes on Sirius's tight face. "He's your friend, Sirius. If you can't trust him..." She trailed off, hardly knowing what to say. The truth was, she didn't know what would happen if Sirius truly didn't trust Remus. She couldn't put into words what that meant, only that it was awful and it made her tired, aching heart twist and pull terribly.
"I know, Vin," Sirius whispered, his head drooping slightly. "I know. And I'm trying. I'm trying to keep trusting him, to keep trusting them all, but... but it's so damn hard." His voice broke and Lavinia closed her eyes for a moment before she set down her tea and scooched a little closer to him, taking his hands in hers and forcing herself to meet his eyes even as tears blurred her vision.
"I understand, Sirius," she murmured, "I really do. And sometimes I... sometimes I don't know either. But we have to try. The world is already falling apart. Don't let your friendships collapse too."
"That's so much easier said than done," he pointed out with a tense little laugh.
Lavinia smiled, but it was forced and didn't last. "I know," she whispered. "I know. But we have to choose. Every damn day. We have to choose to keep trusting our friends. We have to choose to fight. We can't let this war take any more from us than it already has."
Sirius nodded and sighed, then gave a little sniff of a laugh. "Since when are you the optimistic one?" he asked, nudging her slightly and returning her silent pressure on his hands.
But Lavinia didn't laugh. She just sighed, feeling something heavy and dark settle on her shoulders. "Since the world became so bloody depressing that that sounds like optimism."
Sirius's smile dropped and his eyes fell to their clasped hands. There was silence for a moment before he shook his head. "I wish we didn't live in times like these," he whispered. "I wish we all just living normal lives. I wish... I wish I could whisk us away to somewhere that's never heard of this war, or Death Eaters or dark magic or any of it."
"Me too," Lavinia whispered and her voice was soft and fragile and her eyes burned with unshed tears. "Me too."
"I'm glad I at least have you, Vin," Sirius murmured, pulling one hand from her grip and tucking her hair behind her ear. Their eyes met and he gave her a tense little smile. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Lavinia sighed and shook her head. "You have more than just me, Sirius," she whispered emphatically. "Remember that."
He nodded, but his face was soft and sad and Lavinia wondered whether or not he believed her. She hoped he did, not least because she couldn't stand the idea that she was all he had. Not that she was going anywhere but... but she didn't want to be his everything. She had never wanted to be anyone's everything.
Especially because she knew she wasn't the only thing he had. He had James and even though the Potter's were in hiding, it wasn't permanent. And he had Remus, who would never betray them, who would fight tooth and nail for his friends. And... and she wanted to say he had Peter, but these days she wasn't actually sure if either boy classified the other as a true friend. Sometimes, actually, Lavinia thought that she might be Peter's only friend because the others simply didn't seem to have much time for him. It was understandable, even if it was unfortunate. Sirius and Remus were always running off to do something for the Order and Lavinia had a predictable schedule and enough free time to spare plenty for her friend.
But even if Sirius and Peter had drifted apart, the others were still there and surely, surely they counted for something. Because she'd meant what she'd said. She didn't want this war to take anything more. She was sick of losing things. She had lost friends and patients and family in this war, whether to death or circumstance, it hardly mattered. She had lost too much. And, Merlin, she was so very very sick of it. So she wasn't going to let herself lose anything else. Not if she could help it.
So maybe it was stupid of her, maybe it was naive. But she kept on trusting all of her friends, if only because if she couldn't... if she couldn't then she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to be a part of this world. Not if it was that cold. Not if it was that cruel.
A/N: So I did two fun things today: 1) I went to IKEA for the first time and I have only one thing to say about it. I want to live there. That's it. That's all I learned from the experience. I have a desk now, though which is good bc I was sitting on the floor, using the coffee table as my desk and while that works over the summer, it's not super feasible for classes and homework and such. But mostly I just want to live in IKEA. Their kitchens man... I want them. Also the bedrooms have the coordination of my dreams.
The second fun thing I did today was rediscover the joys of a cute skirt. I found this purple skater skirt in the back of one of my drawers and damn it's cute. I feel so put together and the reality is that I didn't feel like pants today. Also when I turned fast it flares nicely and it's just very nice for some reason. Also when the breeze catches it right I feel like I should stare dramatically into the distance, searching for ships on the horizon. Nevermind that I live in a landlocked state lol.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!