It was a blisteringly hot Thursday right at the end of July when news came to the little house on the sea that Lily had given birth to a healthy baby boy named Harry. It was almost a shock to Lavinia, for all that it shouldn't have been, that there was new life coming into the world even in times like these, where death and pain seemed to be so horribly normal.
Sirius visited the new family occasionally in those first few weeks, mostly to bring them food and news while they stayed safe and hidden in their home. Everyone else sufficed with pictures and word of mouth until Harry was about a month old and the whole group was invited over to meet the child and have dinner.
Lavinia and Sirius arrived early, since Lavinia had offered to cook. She was very glad she'd done this because both James and Lily looked like they hadn't slept properly in weeks - probably since the boy's birth. Lavinia had assumed that this was the only reason James and Lily had accepted her offer so readily, but another reason became apparent as Lavinia began preparing the meal and set the kettle on to make tea for her over exhausted friends.
As she was chopping vegetables, Lily entered the kitchen, apparently having left baby Harry with James and Sirius in the sitting room. Lavinia turned as she noticed the approaching woman and frowned.
"If you're here to offer help with dinner, the answer's no," she informed Lily. "You should be resting." Indeed, Lily looked utterly exhausted. The bags under her eyes could have rivaled even some of Lavinia's worse times. Her hair had been tossed into something that might have been a bun, or maybe just a ponytail the redhead had given up on halfway through and her clothes were the loose, comfortable attire of someone who was going to take every opportunity she could to snatch a few minutes of rest whenever and wherever the chance arose.
So Lavinia was most definitely not going to let her do anything even resembling work.
But Lily just sniffed a light laugh, "Actually," she corrected, "I'm here to ask you something."
"Oh?" asked Lavinia, not at all sure what sort of thing Lily could want from her that sounded so... serious. She certainly hoped it wasn't about the baby. It wasn't like Lavinia was qualified to give any advice at all about children. Actually, she was probably the least qualified person she knew, seeing as how even her own memories of childhood amounted to the social pressures of a very different world mixed with less than stellar parenting.
"I wanted to ask you to be Harry's godmother," Lily continued, apparently choosing to disregard all the many reasons why that was, in Lavinia's opinion, a terrible idea.
The blonde froze and set her knife down before turning to look fully at the woman, keeping her face blank as she gave her head time to catch up to the knee-jerk reaction of her heart. She wanted to say no. She was not going to be any child's anything. But... but Lily knew Lavinia wasn't one for children. It wasn't like Lavinia had ever made a secret of it. Which suggested that there was some reason other than sentimentality that made Lily ask.
"Why me?" asked Lavinia carefully, her voice even and emotionless. "And," she added, with a bit more feeling, "Don't waffle about how we're such good friends and I'd make such a good mother because we both know I wouldn't and that's not why you're asking."
Lily narrowed her eyes at Lavinia for a moment, pursing her lips. "We've been over this," she began, her tone a bit tight. "And for the millionth time, you would make a wonderful mother. But I know you don't want to. And I wouldn't ask except..." She sighed and leaned back against the counter, looking too old for her twenty years and so very very tired. "These are dangerous times, Vin. We all know that. And... and these are not good times to be having children. We all know that, too. It was selfish of James and I to have him, but we wanted kids and now we're here and I wouldn't trade Harry for the world."
Her eyes lit up at the name, at the thought of her infant son and it was clear to Lavinia that the one sentence couldn't begin to do justice to Lily's love for him. It made something ache in Lavinia's chest, something that might have been jealousy, or just a near painful curiosity. She wondered what it would be like to love someone that much. Or rather, to love someone like that. Because Lavinia didn't think love really measured linearly. She'd known enough complicated kinds of love in her life to know that more often than not, it wasn't any kind of ferocity that determined what a love felt like, but rather the sort of love it was. And though Lavinia never wanted to be a mother... she couldn't deny that she was curious what that might feel like. Curious if her own mother had felt it. If she still felt it.
" But we also need to recognize that this is a war," Lily said now and Lavinia snapped out of her thoughts, pushing musings about her mother far, far away.
Lily sighed again and rubbed her eyes and Lavinia was struck suddenly by the reality that the person standing in front of her was also a mother, albeit of a very different sort than Lavinia's own, at least by her reckoning. This was a provider and a protector. A woman who held responsibility for than her own life and livelihood on her shoulders.
For a moment, she could see it, like a physical weight bearing down on Lily, bending her shoulders and pressing on her heart. It made her own chest go tight and aching. But even so, Lavinia didn't say anything at all. She just waited for Lily to finish.
"Harry doesn't have any grandparents," the redhead continued, dropping her hands from her face. "His only family other than James and I is my sister. And she would be awful to him because Harry will be a wizard. And James and I can't just pretend our lives are safe. We need to start making plans. Just... just in case something happens."
Lavinia's throat tightened as she understood what Lily was saying. With their son a month old, James and Lily were already laying out contingency plans in case they died and left their child orphaned. And it wasn't because they were paranoid or overcautious. It was because they were practical, intelligent people who knew just how horribly likely it was that at least one of them wouldn't make it through the war. Another cost, Lavinia realized with a sinking sensation in her stomach, another awful stress to add to her list of all the things this conflict had taken from them.
"James already wanted Sirius to be godfather," Lily was now saying, still watching Lavinia with an almost fierce sort of intensity in her bright green stare. "And Sirius agreed without hesitation, of course. But the problem is if we name him as Harry's guardian in the event of our... our deaths." It was almost shocking how calmly Lily said the words, even as her face and eyes flickered at them.
"I made James promise to not even ask him until I had the chance to talk to you," Lily continued, her face still and gently serious once again. "Sirius would never agree if you weren't on board with it, but I don't want you pressured into this because it's what Sirius wants. So I'm asking you now, to be his godmother and his guardian and I want you to know that you can say no. Marlene and her husband can take him, or even Frank and Alice to raise with their son Neville, who's just a day older."
Lily was watching Lavinia closely, her green eyes bright and intent. "I want you to be his godmother, Vin," she added gently. "I want him to have someone in his life who knows how to fight without wands. Someone who can show him what it's like to live a softer kind of life instead of just running on ahead like the rest of us seem to do. And," she continued, tipping her head slightly, "I want him to have a good home if... if we aren't there. And whatever you say, I think you and Sirius would make wonderful parents. And I know you would love him like your own."
Lavinia might have been crying. Or it might have been the onions she'd been chopping finally getting to her. But either way her cheeks were damp and her throat was too tight to immediately speak. She didn't know how to tell Lily how much that meant to her, anyway, or how much it broke her heart that they had to be making plans like this when their child was so so young.
"I don't know, Lily," she whispered eventually, looking down at the floor. "I don't..." She shook her head and swallowed the building lump in her throat. "I don't trust myself with a child. I don't know how to raise them right. I.... My mother..."
"You are not your mother," Lily said with such vehemence that Lavinia looked up, blinking in surprise. "I don't know why you never believe us when we say so," the redhead continued, "But you are not your mother. Any child would be lucky to have you as a mum."
Lavinia was silent, looking at Lily like she'd never seen her before. Lily was right about one thing, anyway. Lavinia never had believed them when they insisted she was nothing like her mother. It was hard, even years later to shake the idea that every awful thing her mother had ever done had been born out of a fierce sort of love and loyalty for her family. It was hard to be sure that Lavinia's own love would never be twisted like that. It was hard to trust herself.
And even aside from that, there was the issue of taking care of another human being, being responsible for someone else's life and happiness. And, if she was honest with herself, Lavinia had a hard enough time taking care of just herself. She didn't know how to ensure that her bad days didn't bleed over onto a child, didn't know how to ensure that she didn't slip when she needed to be present and whole and happy for a child who might look up to her, might emulate her. She didn't know how she could ever explain the days where the world just seemed... dark. She didn't know how to explain her scars to a child.
But... But then again, she would be Harry's mother. And it was unlikely she would ever actually have to take him, unlikely that this would ever amount to anything more than peace of mind for James and Lily. And even if it did - a terrifying thought for so many reasons - she wouldn't be doing it alone. And if there was one thing she was absolutely certain of, it was that Sirius would make sure she never became anything like either of their mothers. Sirius would be there. Sirius would help.
So she swallowed and nodded. "Okay," she said, meeting Lily's eyes. "I'll be his godmother. And you can name Sirius and I guardians. Ask him first obviously," she added, laughing almost nervously and shaking her head, "but... well. We both know he'll say yes."
Lily smiled gently, looking like she understood every wild thought that had just gone through Lavinia's head. It was somehow both very comforting and very unnerving. "Thank you, Vin," she murmured "It really means a lot."
Lavinia smiled back, albeit a bit tensely. "It means a lot that you'd ask," she returned. Then, taking a deep breath and wiping impatiently at her eyes, she added, "Now go sit down. You look asleep on your feet."
Lily laughed slightly and left the kitchen, no doubt headed for the living room where James, Sirius and Harry waited, instead of to the bedroom for the nap she so clearly needed. Lavinia watched her go, staring at the door to the kitchen ever after Lily was long gone.
Godmother. It scared her, though not nearly as much as just 'mother' did. Anything to do with motherhood had terrified her for a good long time now. She didn't know anything at all about children and she didn't at all trust herself with the raising of one. She wasn't sure she knew how to be a good mother, or how to be any kind of mother other than what her own had been.
But maybe she could be. Lily certainly thought she could. And the number of times Sirius had told her she'd make a good mum... Well, it was slightly ridiculous. Not that he ever pressured her to change her mind about having children, but he seemed to take issue with the very idea that she wouldn't be a good parent. Which made sense, really because Sirius took issue with a lot of things Lavinia said about herself, mostly when they were negative.
Sighing, Lavinia turned back to dinner preparations, listening as the others arrived and greeting them when they popped their heads in to say hello. When Peter came in and offered to help, she gave him little tasks to do that didn't involve knives as he was notoriously bad at chopping anything accurately and tried not to think too much about what would happen if she really did end up as the child's mother.
When the shepard's pie was in the oven, Lavinia set a timer and went back out into the living room to sit with everyone until it was ready. She'd barely had the chance to shoo Sirius off the couch so she could sit on it and rest feet that ached from standing for so long, before James came over with little Harry in his arms and offered to let Lavinia hold him.
Lavinia pursed her lips and sighed at the flicker of amusement in the new father's eyes. "Really, James?" she asked.
James narrowed his eyes slightly, some of the amusement gone. "You're his godmother, sunshine," he insisted, "You'll have to hold him sometime. Here. Arm like this. Right. And support his head. Turns out baby's aren't very good at doing it themselves."
Lavinia snorted at that. And then suddenly there was a baby in her arms and James was stepping back and she was trying very hard not to panic and drop him. Even if he would just fall a few inches and end up on her knees, it still seemed like bad karma.
"There," James said, beaming. "See, sunshine? Just relax a little. He doesn't bite. Yet. Apparently once the teething starts you have to be a bit careful with your fingers, but that's ages away."
Lavinia gave James an exasperated look, then glanced at Lily for help and found nothing but an encouraging and tender - if tired - smile.
So she sighed and made what she considered to be a valiant attempt to relax. Harry was actually kind of cute, if she felt like admitting it, with those big green eyes so like his mother's. And even at this age, what little hair he had was going absolutely everywhere. Just like his father's always did. He blinked up at her as she watched him, his little hands reaching for strands of her hair that had fallen out of her hasty ponytail.
There was something warm and tight in Lavinia's chest as she looked down at his tiny face. A child. This was a child. A baby. And he had no concept of the hell outside this house, no idea that these were dangerous times. Everything he knew about this world was confined to the walls of this house and the safety of the arms that held him. Which right now were her arms. And he looked at her like... like he trusted her. Implicitly and without question. Which he supposed he did, being young and unable to even process something like trust, but... but it felt nice, once she got past the fear. Nice to hold new life. Nice to hold something so utterly untouched by the chaos in the world.
"You look unbelievably beautiful right now," Sirius murmured, leaning over the back of the couch so his head was by her shoulder.
Lavinia smiled and glanced over to find him staring at her. "Don't get used to it," she muttered. "I've made an exception for Lily. This changes nothing about my opinion on children." Which, actually, when she thought about it, wasn't entirely true. No, she wasn't about to go and have kids of her own but... but she thought she might not mind spending a bit more time around this one, given how he'd made her heart swell so much it almost hurt.
Sirius laughed even as James snorted from a little ways away. "I know," Sirius replied quietly. "But that doesn't mean I can't compliment you right now."
Lavinia rolled her eyes and looked back at Harry, who was now tugging at her hair with surprising strength. She felt Sirius lean his head against hers and for a moment, she wondered if this was what it was like to be a mother, with a child in her arms and this warmth in her chest that seemed endless.
Then Harry yanked on her hair so hard she yelped and had to bite back a fairly foul word she was pretty sure Lily would kill her for saying in front of her child. That was probably also part of motherhood, she thought drily. So thank Merlin she wasn't that. But... Godmother. Yes, Lavinia thought as Lily jumped forward and pried Harry's fingers from her hair while James laughed, she could be a godmother. And she might just enjoy it too.
A/N: A feel-good chapter!? What is this madness! I know it's been a hot sec since we've had a chapter that was just generally positive (sorry about that btw :P) so I hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Even though babies freak me the fuck out for a whole host of reasons, there is something really fulfilling about just holding them and they look at you like you're there world. And then they start screaming and you're kinda like 'ah yeah, that's why I didn't like you'. So hopefully we got a good mix of reasonable hesitations about children mixed with the wonderful squishy balls of total innocence that they are. If that makes any sense at all.
Anyway, as usual I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!