Lavinia offered no explanation as she walked straight to the bathroom, turned the water on as hot as it would go and took what was quite possibly the longest shower of her life. When she finally convinced herself to get out, which was a process in and of itself, her skin was red and tender from an all too intense scrubbing she hadn't been able to resist. But at least she felt better. Her head felt clearer too, like the steam from the shower had flushed out the worst of the panic and left something quiet and determined in its place.
Taking a deep breath, she got dressed in the softest, most comfortable clothes she had before returning to the living room, desperately trying to put her head on straight before she came to where Remus and Sirius were now talking in hushed and worried voices. Which she supposed was her fault because she had just run in and gone straight for the bathroom, which probably didn't inspire confidence. And she had no doubt she'd looked a mess when she'd come in the door.
But maybe they'd think it was just a long day. Maybe they'd let her brush this off. She couldn't decide whether or not that was what she wanted. Truth be told, she didn't want to explain what had happened, not least because Sirius was liable to do something stupid if he found out. But she also didn't want to admit how easily they'd grabbed her. Or how quickly they'd gotten under her skin. Not to mention the fact that she didn't at all want to think about what she'd do if Dumbledore couldn't help her. If he couldn't protect Sirius... Well. She would be face with a very simple but very difficult choice: was his life worth the price of turning traitor? And she honestly didn't know the answer to that.
Which was perhaps why Lavinia's heart stumbled once again at the sight of Sirius and her resolve to beg Dumbledore on hands and knees doubled down even as her stomach resumed its rather uncomfortable twisting.
We'll make sure Black gets what he deserves.
Yes, she needed to get to Dumbledore. Now.
Well. Maybe not now now because she would really like a cup of tea first but soon. Very soon. Even if it meant going back to Hogwarts. Even if it meant remembering all the things that had happened in those halls. The price didn't matter. She had to do this. She had to protect him.
"Long day?" asked Sirius from the couch.
Lavinia gave him a flat stare and considered making a snarky comment about that, but... but she didn't want to explain this to him. And even if she had, she didn't know where to begin. So she just sighed and nodded and went into the kitchen.
When she reemerged with tea in hand, neither boy had moved and both were watching her carefully as though trying to judge whether or not she was in a good enough mental state to deal with something. She frowned at them, inhaling the honey and chamomile scent from tea. It was calming and settled something that had been jangling loose in her ever since she'd first seen Mulciber in Diagon Alley. So she took another deep breath and braced herself.
"Spit it out," she murmured, unable to keep the resignation from her voice.
The two boys glanced between each other before Sirius gestured to Remus. "It's your news, mate," he said.
Lavinia's hands tightened on her mug. News. She did not want news right now. She wasn't sure if she could handle more things going wrong today because everything was already in pieces and she had enough things she had to fix without adding something else to the list. Then again, at least any news they had couldn't ruin her day anymore than it had already been ruined.
"I was attacked by some Death Eaters today," Remus started. Lavinia stilled, fighting to keep her face neutral. Had there been some sort of coordinated attack on multiple people? Had anyone else been targeted? Did that mean she wasn't the only one they'd tried to recruit? And if so, did that mean they might pursue her a little less? If she was one of many sources, or attempted sources, anyway, maybe they would let her go a little more easily, since she wouldn't be considered essential. Merlin, she hoped so. Even if it seemed slightly unlikely that Rowle would ever let her just walk away.
She had to suppress a shiver at that thought and forced herself to focus back on Remus. On anything other than the threat of Rowle's violence.
"There were two of them," Remus was now saying. "One of them was your brother.
Lavinia exhaled a bit sharply. She wasn't sure why that was relevant. She didn't need to know every time William did something for the Death Eaters. She didn't want to know. Really, she would much rather pretend her brother had nothing at all to do with this war. Especially given the decision she had just made. Or had made for her, anyway.
"He gave me a warning," Remus was now saying and Lavinia blinked, surprised and... and glad, she supposed. Glad that William still had it in him to help them. Help her. Which was what she was going to focus on, as opposed to the sinking sensation that accompanied the realization that these days, that was a surprise.
"He said..." Remus sighed and tipped his head at Lavinia. "He said he's sorry. And he misses you. And that Death Eaters are coming for you."
Lavinia closed her eyes as tears pricked at her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose, letting the calming smell of her tea ground her. William had said he missed her. Said he was sorry. Sorry for what? She supposed there were several things he might be sorry for, but she had never needed an apology from him. Never wanted one. But... I'm sorry too, Will. For so many things. She wondered then if he had ever wanted an apology from her. Not that it mattered. She was never going to get the chance to give one. Just like she was never going to get the chance to say she missed him too. Very much.
But as for his warning...
"He's a little late with that one," she sighed, blinking the tears from her eyes that she wasn't sure were entirely because of thoughts of William.
The reactions of the other two were instantaneous. Remus tensed and Sirius shot to his feet, looking her over like he was trying to see any evidence of it, trying to see if she was hurt. But for all that her skin still burned with something between shame and disgust, she knew there were no physical signs. Maybe some bruising on her knees from when he'd tossed her aside, but other than that... it was actually remarkable, she thought, that she'd been left so untouched.
"I'm fine," Lavinia assured Sirius now, though she supposed her tone wasn't terribly convincing. Probably because it was a complete and total lie. She was far from fine. But he didn't need to know that. Not until she had a plan. Not until this was fixed.
"What happened?" asked Remus cautiously and something about his tone made Lavinia turn away from Sirius to look at her friend more closely. He sounded... like he thought he already knew the answer to that. Which he couldn't possibly unless... Unless she'd been right and they had both been attacked for the same reason. Which, aside from the issue of the dedication of their pursuit should she fail to report, left the question of who else? Who else? Not, she reminded herself, that it mattered right now. That was a question for later. A question for Dumbledore to figure out. Not for her to deal with.
"They ambushed me in Diagon Alley," Lavinia said at last, all too aware of the tension in every bit of Sirius's body language, the look in his face that told her she was going to hear about the stupidity of not telling them she had errands to run. Which was fair, she knew. And she had most definitely learned her lesson. She was never setting foot in there again. Not until this war was good and over and both Rowle and Mulciber were firmly behind bars.
"I didn't even have the chance to fight back," she sighed, shaking her head. Sirius twitched, as though trying to decide whether or not to run to her now or let her finish first. She was grateful that he decided on letting her finish because she wasn't entirely sure she'd continue if she was interrupted.
"Anyway, they took me to some room and made me an offer," she finished, not willing to go into the details. Sirius looked stressed enough and she honestly wasn't sure she could get the words out if she tried. Really, she wasn't entirely sure what the hell had happened. It still seemed so completely unreal. "I disapparated first chance I got," she added, noticing that both boys were waiting for her to finish.
"They wanted you to spy on the Order, didn't they?" asked Remus calmly. Oh so calmly. Like he was getting at something she hadn't seen yet. She just stared at him, waiting for him to make his point.
He shook his head and sighed, rubbing his temple. "They asked me for the same thing," he admitted. "And we're probably not the only ones who were made a deal."
Sirius swore, glancing between the two of them, probably asking the same questions she had been just a little while ago. But Remus was still watching Lavinia, a frown creasing his brow.
"What did they do after you left Diagon Alley?" he asked quietly and Merlin there was so enough concern in his voice that Lavinia felt her heart twist and ache. Sirius's head snapped to watch her and Lavinia had to force herself to breathe evenly as the memories washed over her, too fresh for comfort.
"Nothing," she lied even as phantom hands caressed her body and made her want to run to the ends of the earth to get away. She had to fight to keep her face straight, had to fight to keep her eyes open and her shoulders set. Later, she told herself. She would deal with it later. After Dumbledore.
"Vin?" asked Sirius, and there was a hard note to his voice that made Lavinia think that maybe she hadn't been very successful in suppressing her flinch.
"They really didn't do anything," Lavinia lied again. "They took my wand and threatened me but that's it."
Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair and Lavinia couldn't tell whether or not she'd convinced him. She hoped she had. She was sure his rage would be a wild, awful thing and she didn't have the time or energy to deal with it right now. He'd punched Rowle in their seventh year for the mere threat of touching her. If he knew what had happened... He might do something truly idiotic. And she couldn't let him. She had to keep him safe. She had to protect him.
We'll make sure Black gets what he deserves.
She suppressed another shudder and turned to Remus, who was still frowning at her. "What?" she demanded, a bit shortly. Merlin, she wanted to go to bed. But she couldn't. Dumbledore first, she reminded herself. Dumbledore and then... then bed. And no one but Dumbledore would have to know what had happened in that room.
But Remus, gentle, lovely, perceptive Remus, was far too clever for his own good. "How did you get away if they had your wand?" he asked.
Sirius opened his mouth as though to tell his friend off but Remus ignored him, staring at Lavinia, who swallowed, hard, and braced herself, hoping they wouldn't see how close she had been, how close she still was, to fulfilling her end of the awful bargain struck in that room.
"I agreed to their deal," she whispered, not breaking eye contact with Remus. "And they let me go."
Silence. Absolute and complete silence greeted those words and Lavinia could practically see the cogs going in their heads, could see them working out how terrified she must have been, how desperate she had been to get out. And then she could see them weighing, wondering. How far would she go to save her own skin? Because of course, they didn't know that Sirius too had been threatened and that the moment they had brought them into the equation, every worry she'd had for herself had gone flying out the window. That had been their mistake. No one got to use the people she loved against her. No one got to hurt them. Or even threaten to. Not without consequences.
"But you won't," Sirius said suddenly, his voice flat. Not a question. A statement. She could have kissed him for just that. For the faith she probably didn't deserve because if she was completely and entirely honest with herself... she had considered it. As disgusting and awful as that made her, she had considered it. To save him. To but herself time until she could make Dumbledore agree with her. Just in case he didn't to begin with.
"Of course not," she breathed, some of the tightness in her chest easing even as her breath caught on the not-totally truth. "Of course not. But I had to get away. And now...." The words trembled as the thoughts she'd been holding at bay started gaining ground. And now I've put us all in danger. Now I have to fix this.
Selfish. That's what this was. She had been so selfish. Before they'd even mentioned Sirius, she had agreed just to get out of that room, to save her own skin, not thinking that they would surely try to use someone as leverage against her. She should have let them take her. Let them kill her, just to keep everyone else out of it. But she was selfish. So very very selfish.
There were tears in her eyes and Sirius was in front of her in a heartbeat, his arms around her, apparently not caring that some of her tea splashed out of her mug and onto his shirt.
"Oh, Vin, you clever, brave, stupid girl," he breathed into her hair.
Lavinia let out a strangled laugh, burying her face in his chest and breathing him in. This was why she'd agreed, she reminded herself. This was why she'd gotten out of that room no matter what the cost. Because she couldn't - wouldn't - give this up. Because there were nights when he was the one crying on her shoulder. Because maybe it was selfish and maybe it was arrogant, but she was needed. She could do good in the world. So she'd had to get out. Had to save herself so she could save others. So she could tell Dumbledore that she was finally, finally ready. That he had been right.
After a few moments, Lavinia pulled back from Sirius. "I have to go see Dumbledore," she sighed a bit shakily, setting her tea aside on the coffee table. "To explain."
"I'll come with you," Sirius replied without hesitation and Lavinia couldn't help her smile. So quick to offer his support. Every time. So quick to remind her that he was there. Through thick and thin. So loyal, this lovely grey eyed boy of hers. She only hoped she could be half as loyal, half as brave, as he was. And maybe this was a good place to start.
But right now... she shook her head. This was not something she wanted him present for. Because he would, of course, insist that he could take care of himself. That he didn't need any extra protection. And Lavinia would have none of that. If her choices, her stupidity in getting herself caught, cost him, she would never forgive herself. So she would go to Dumbledore alone. And she would beg the old man for whatever protection he could offer them. She would sell her soul if that was what it took.
Because she had made her choice and she and she alone would be the one paying for it.
A/N: Guys I have a problem. Because I had no life, as we've established, and especially so when I'm alone with my brother, I have a bad habit of writing multiple chapters in one day. Good, right? Well... yes. Sort of. But also, my editing is so far behind my writing. And I suppose sometimes it's good because it reminds me what the hell happened several chapters ago and makes sure that I reference things that actually happened, but also, our girl is growing and changing and ugh it's hard to switch back and forth between who she is in the chapters I'm editing and where's she's gotten to in the chapters I am now writing. That may have made no sense. Honestly, this entire chapter may have made no sense. Same thing with the one before it. But it's fine. They're published now and it would be way too much work to take them out so here we are. Trying not to overthink things. And failing, if you couldn't tell lol.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!
Side note: I spelled tomorrow wrong guys... it's been a long ass day. long ass week actually. *sigh*. It's cool. We're cool. I really need more sleep. And less of the world going to shit. That would great. Anyone think they could swing that for me? :P