[this chapter will contain smut/mature content/explicit material. it is not necessary to the plot so if these things make you uncomfortable, feel free to skip :)
BUT the scene at the end is sort of important. there's a cut above where you should start reading to skip the mature content.
okay, sick, that's all plz enjoy this heartbreaking chapter]
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"Let me love you goodbye," Louis begged.
I nodded without hesitation. He put his hands under my thighs, lifting me up. He carried me to my bed and tossed me onto it softly. I laughed weakly.
Louis flipped the light and got back into bed with me. I climbed on top of him. "Only tonight," I whispered.
After everything he and I went though, we deserved one more night.
Louis brushed hair out of my face and pulled me down to kiss him. "Only tonight," he repeated.
We knew our love was hopeless. Of course, we knew. But he was kissing me, and I was kissing him back.
His hands left my cheeks and went to sit on my hips instead. I rocked my hips into his on instinct and he smiled into the kiss, before pulling away a bit.
"You okay?" he checked carefully. I smiled and pulled him back to me. Louis' hands slipped under my shirt to sit on the bare skin of my waist. "Hold on," he said breathlessly.
I pulled away and he sat up and scooted both of us so his back was against the headboard. "Okay, come here, angel."
Angel. That was new.
I kissed him again. His thumbs ran soothingly over my stomach. The scar tissue was sensitive, and having the pads of his thumbs trace over it was something I realized I could get used to.
Having his hands on my skin was something I wanted to be able to get used to. But after tonight, it would probably never happen again.
I broke the kiss suddenly. Louis went tense underneath me.
"Is everything alright, angel?"
I peeled my shirt off and tossed it aside. When I went to kiss Louis again, though, he squeezed my waist to stop me.
"Lou," I whined.
"Slow down, we've got all night, don't we?" Louis asked. He cocked his head and my lips formed a pouty frown. "I don't want you to feel like you have some sort of obligation to do anything with me tonight. You don't have to do anything you don't want to," he said gently.
And that was important. Louis knew what had happened to me- what had been done to me. It was rough waters and he was treading carefully.
"I want this," I said, "I want you, Lou, please?"
Louis answered my question by pulling me into him for another kiss. His hands dropped from my waist down to my hips, where he pushed me down against him again.
His hips rocked up and mine pushed down. I sighed softly at the contact.
One of his hands left my hip, and started dragging up my side. One of mine was on the back of his neck, and the other was resting on his shoulder.
My mind was racing.
Are my hands in the right spot? Think, where do the girls in movies put their hands when they're making out with someone? Is this all this is?
Did I take my shirt off for no reason?
Oh my god, are we going to have sex?
His hand was suddenly touching the waistband of my bra. I jumped. His hand instantly moved down a bit.
"Sorry, sorry," I mumbled awkwardly.
"It's alright, angel. 'S just me, you don't need to apologize to me," Louis said gently. I let out a shakey breath and nodded. "You okay? Want to stop?" he checked carefully.
I knew I could tell him to stop. But I didn't want to.
"Don't stop," I said softly. I kissed him again. His hand, for the second time, landed just below my breast. He paused and let it stay there for a moment, gauging my reaction, before he gently cupped my breast.
My back arched into him and I rolled my hips a bit harder.
"Breathe," Louis reminded. I immediately inhaled and laughed softly. "You've got to breathe, not gonna do either of us any good if you die," he joked.
He smiled fondly when I laughed again.
"There you go, just relax, yeah?"
"Yeah," I repeated. "I love you," I said.
"I love you too," Louis said. He pulled me back to him. His left hand repositioned itself on my chest. His right hand, very cautiously, moved to rest under the waistband of my joggers. I hummed in appreciation and tugged at his shirt.
"Can you take this off?" I asked softly.
Louis pulled away and peeled his shirt off. My eyes scanned over his tattooed chest and I smiled.
One of Louis' arms snaked around my waist. He turned us over and I landed with a small huff on my back.
Louis held himself up over me with one arm. The other stayed around my back and pulled up so it was arched.
He started kissing down my neck. I tipped my head back to expose more of it to him and Louis smiled into my skin.
"Beautiful angel," Louis mumbled. He started sucking a hickey into my collarbone and I let out something between a moan and a sigh of appreciation.
His arm left behind my back and dragged up my stomach. He peppered kisses onto my neck while his hand found my breast. "Breathe," he said.
"I'm breathing."
"No, you're not," Louis laughed. He laid his head on my chest and listened to my thumping heart. "It's a lot, isn't it?"
"Yeah," I mumbled.
"Too much?"
"No."
"You'll let me know if it's too much?" Louis asked gently. I nodded. "Words, please, angel."
"Yes, I will, can you please just- ohh." My beg for him to do something was cut off by him squeezing my breast in his hand. My hips pushed up, looking for some kind of friction. Louis' thigh was between them, keeping them from rubbing together.
Louis must have noticed my desperation. He started kissing down my chest, around the pads of my bra. He kissed down my stomach slowly, taking time to let his lips brush over my scars. He was mumbling quiet praises. Words like pretty, beautiful, and perfect were falling from his lips.
He grabbed one of my shaking hands in his, and let his other hand slide down to my hip. We made eye contact and I nodded that he wasn't going to far.
His kisses continued down my stomach. When he got just barely past my belly button, I squeezed his hand to get his attention.
He stopped immediately, and moved back up to my mouth.
"We don't have to," Louis said softly. "We're not doing anything you don't want to."
"I want to," I said quickly. "Just- promise me you'll be gentle, okay? And I really need you to talk to me."
"I can do that, angel. I promise," Louis said softly. He punctuated his statement with a quick peck to my lips. I laughed at his playfulness.
"Lou?" I asked.
"Yes?"
"I need you to not call me yours. Like, don't call me your girl or your angel."
"I won't," Louis promised. "You trust me?"
"Yes."
"Alright then."
He kissed down my body again. He seemed so sure, so confident in his actions.
My mind, on the other hand, was spinning.
It stopped spinning, though, when Louis' fingers dipped into the waistband of my joggers. "Can I take these off?"
I nodded immediately. Louis kissed my stomach once. "Words, angel," he reminded.
"Yes," I sighed. I lifted my hips up so Louis could pull my joggers down. When they were off, he made quick work of taking my prosthetic leg off.
He ghosted kisses on the inside of my thighs, working his way up to my core. He grabbed both of my hands in his. He got right to the hem of the thong, inches away from where I needed him the most.
And then he started kissing up my stomach again. He smiled into my skin when I whined his name in annoyance.
"Patience," Louis laughed. "It's a virtue."
"You're a jerk," I giggled.
He kissed up to my chest and dropped my hands so he could touch me. His lips brushed over the cups of my bra. I cursed myself, suddenly, because it didn't match my thong.
Not that Louis seemed to notice or care. One of his hands slid under my bra to cup my bare breast and I froze for a moment. He paused until I started breathing again.
"Okay?" he checked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Your voice is shaking."
"It does that sometimes," I said.
"Do you want me to take this off?" Louis asked softly. His hand slid out from under my bra and his finger hooked under one of the shoulder straps.
"Please," I requested.
This is our last night together. This is my last chance to love him without consequences.
Louis reached behind me and nimbly unhooked it. He slid the straps down off of my shoulders and tossed it aside. His mouth moved to one breast eagerly, and his hand worked over the other.
"Lou," I moaned. "Lou, I need you-"
"Patience," Louis mumbled, switching his mouth to the other breast.
"Please, Lou, please," I said, pushing my hips into him to prove my point.
"Such a needy thing, aren't you?" Louis said gently. He started kissing down my stomach for what felt like the 100th time.
"You're such a tease," I sighed. His mouth moved to the insides of my thighs again. His hands rubbed my thighs and squeezed once. I jumped at the sensitivity and he laughed softly, burring his face into my leg.
Finally, his fingers hooked into the waistband of my thong.
"Want me to take these off, angel?"
"Lou, please," I begged. He placed a kiss to my core over top of them and I jolted from the sensitivity.
"Easy, angel, I'll take good care of you," Louis said. He pulled my thong down my legs slowly and he sat up on his knees for a moment. His eyes traced over my naked body.
I pressed my thighs together, suddenly aware of just how exposed I was to him. One of his hands grabbed my stump and the other grabbed my knee.
He gently nudged my legs apart and laid down between them. He was so close, and I needed him so bad.
"Can I-?"
"Yes!" I yelped, cutting him off.
"Shhh," Louis said. He grabbed my hands and squeezed them. "The walls aren't soundproof."
"Louis please just-"
He cut me off by licking a long stripe up my core. I gasped and my hips bucked away, surprised at the sensitivity. I had never experienced anything like that in my life.
"Easy, angel," Louis whispered. The vibrations from his voice make me squeak. Louis grabbed my hips gently to hold me in place. My hands rested on top of his.
"Oh my god," I moaned.
"Sh, sh, sh," Louis requested.
"Lou, Jesus fucking Christ," I gasped. Louis pulled his mouth away completely and I sat up to look at him in disbelief.
"We can't do this if you can't be quiet," Louis laughed. I huffed. "Do you want to be the one to explain to Niall why I've got my head buried between your legs?" he checked. My mouth fell open in disbelief. "Exactly."
"I can be quiet," I whispered. My hips bucked towards his mouth and he held them down. "Please, please, I need you so bad, Lou."
Louis went straight back to work. I hissed and pressed my lips together, trying to be quiet.
"Fingers," I gasped. "Use your fingers."
Louis readjusted himself a bit. He nudged his shoulders under my thighs and wrapped one arm around my waist to hold me in place. His other had disappeared between my legs.
He pushed one finger into me at first. I whimpered. We made eye contact and I nodded, letting him know that it wasn't painful.
He slipped a second finger into me easily. His curled his fingers in a 'come hither' motion.
I got this feeling, deep in my stomach.
"Lou?" I asked warily.
"It's okay, Angel. Come on," Louis encouraged. The vibrations his voice sent through me tipped me over the edge. I came hard around his fingers. "There it is, angel, you did so good," Louis praised gently. He helped me through my high, pressing soft kisses into my upper thigh.
"Do you have a condom?" I asked suddenly. Louis looked taken aback.
"Are we going to-?"
"Do you not want to?"
"No! No, I do," Louis said quickly. "But we don't have to if you don't want to. I know you've had some bad experiences with that, and I don't want to scare you or anything."
"Come here," I said softly. Louis scooted up to my face and I kissed him softly. "I've had a lot of bad experiences, I think it's about time I have a good one."
"Angel, I don't want to hurt you," Louis said.
"You won't," I argued quickly. "I want you, Louis. I want all of you."
Louis searched my face, looking for any sign that I was unsure. He couldn't find one.
"Hold on," Louis said. He pecked my lips once and pulled away. He left my room, and came back about 30 seconds later. He flashed the condom in the air and I laughed at his goofiness.
He padded back over to the bed and I slipped my hands into the waistband of his joggers, pulling them down a bit. Louis got the memo and stepped out of them.
"Lay down," he said softly. I flopped onto my back and rested my hands on my stomach, past the point of being insecure. I stared at the ceiling and tried to collect my thoughts.
I'm about to have sex with Louis. This is the last chance I'm going to have. I love him, I trust him, it's going to be okay.
It's all over after tonight.
Louis climbed onto the bed and nudged my legs apart. He laid between them and I felt his member resting on my stomach.
"Doing okay down there?" Louis checked. I nodded and grabbed onto the sheets. "Scared?" he asked softly.
"Kind of?" I admitted. "Not of you, it's just... everything."
"Nothing to be afraid of, Angel. It's just me and you, yeah?"
"Yeah," I sighed.
"You want to do this?" Louis checked for the final time. I reached up and kissed him.
"Yes," I said. Louis adjusted himself between my legs and put his head right at my entrance. He pushed in just a bit and I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Don't hold onto the sheets, angel, you can hold me," Louis said. I dropped the sheet and wrapped my arms around him instead. "It's me, I've got you," Louis whispered.
He pushed in about an inch and I raked my nails down his back.
"Stop," I said. "Hold on, just give me a second." Louis buried his head into my shoulder. After about 20 seconds, I whispered an okay, move please.
Louis pushed in further. "Relax, Angel," He mumbled. "God, you're tight, just try to relax for me."
I took a deep breath and arched my back a bit, trying to take more of him. Louis pushed in further.
After what felt like forever to both of us, he bottomed out. He kissed the column of my neck gently, and made no move to move until I asked him to.
How do we say goodbye after this? How do I walk away from a love this real?
"Okay," I said. Louis pulled out slowly, and then pushed back in. I tried to look like I wasn't in pain. "Talk to me, I need you to talk to me," I begged.
The last time I was in the position, I remembered, I was alone and terrified for my life.
"I love you," Louis said. His hips found a slow rhythm. "I love you so much, Angel. You're everything."
"I love you too," I whimpered. "Faster, Lou."
He picked up his pace and I brought one hand into his hair.
"You're so beautiful. Most beautiful Angel I've ever seen before. Strong, too. Sometimes it seems unreal, how strong you are."
"Lou," I moaned.
"Hm?" he asked, punctuating it with a harder thrust. I moaned into him. "Harder?" he asked.
"Please."
"And -oh my fucking god you feel so good- and I wish our love was only up to us. I do, but it's not."
"I love you," I panted. Louis adjusted himself so he could kiss me deeply. "Always you."
"Always," Louis repeated. "You okay?"
"Feels good," I moaned into his mouth. One of his hands snaked between us and started rubbing my clit. He swallowed the strangled noise I made.
"Gonna come with me?" Louis asked. I nodded desperately. "Good girl, angel, that's good."
I rolled my hips into him a final time.
This is it. After tonight, I'm going to lose him.
God, I don't want to lose him.
Louis and I reached our highs at the same time. He collapsed on top of me and I rubbed my hand over his back, soothing the place where my nails dug in.
We stayed like that for a few minutes to catch our breaths.
"Lou, pull out," I whispered. Louis did what I requested immediately. He pecked my lips once, cautiously, when I hissed at the loss of contact.
"Hang on," he said softly. He scooped his sweats up from beside my bed and then disappeared into the bathroom.
I heard his feet walking back towards me a minute later. He sat on the edge of my bed and held a washcloth up like an offering. He also, I noticed, put his sweats on.
"Want me to clean you up?"
"Please," I mumbled.
Louis brought the washcloth between my legs. I hissed at the contact and the temperature, and Louis mumbled a soft apology.
He finished cleaning me up, seemingly, as soon as he started. He tossed the washcloth into my laundry.
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"Wear my shirt," Louis requested. I sat up to take it, and pulled it over myself. Then, for what could have been the last time, I pulled him down next to me and let his arms encase me. "You're shaking."
"Sorry," I laughed. He kissed me softly, then.
"Don't apologize, it's alright," Louis mumbled. "How do you feel? I didn't hurt you or scare you or anything?"
"No, Lou, you were perfect," I whispered. I kissed him like a promise.
Like a promise neither of us could keep.
I scooted down so his chin rested on top of mine. He held me tight.
I was wrapped in his arms when it hit me.
This is it. This has to be it.
After tonight, he and I were done.
My chest started heaving and then, suddenly, I was breaking down. Ugly sobs left my mouth at the realization.
It was over.
God, why did heartbreak have to hurt like this?
Why can't we just be together?
"It's alright, Mickey, it's alright. I'm right here, I'm not leaving."
Oh, but he would be.
Louis gathered me into his chest and I peppered kisses over his tattoos, desperate to memorize the feeling of his skin under my mouth.
Louis' mouth was against my forehead. I realized he was whispering please, please, please, over and over again.
Please, forgive me for hurting you.
Please, I don't want to leave you.
Please, I want to give us another chance.
I sobbed harder.
Why does he have to hurt so much?
I would hurt like this forever if it meant he didn't have to.
"I'm right here," Louis repeated. "We'll be alright."
He repeated the sentiments again, and again.
I almost believed we would be alright by the time I fell asleep.