I was heating a skillet over medium-low heat, waiting to put in and melt slices of butter when Lisa walked out from her bedroom—beautifully dressed to work. I had taken my eyes away from the stove, which I would only do when Lisa was around. It was never a good idea for me to look away from the food I was cooking, especially if I was working at the stall and I couldn't help to glance at her, even just for a second. I willed to risk my cooking just to see her messy-thoughts face as she waited for her order.
But the expression I saw in front of me was different; no morning smile on her sweet lips, paired with seriousness inside her eyes. She had stopped her walk and stared at me without a word as if I made a mistake or something she didn't approve on. So I turned off the stove right away, feeling my heartbeat go fast in no second.
"Good morning, Lisa."
She didn't reply to me and move her gaze instead, probably looking at her stove before she let out a loud sigh. Her face said it all; she was pissed.
"Are you going to clean that?" She asked, looking and sounding annoyed.
"Yeah, of course" I chuckled, getting nervous. "I'm planning to make breakfast-"
"Good, because I'm already late and I don't have the time to clean" She interrupted me, walking closer to where I was standing.
"Not even for breakfast?"
She seized a glass from the shelf and took water from the dispenser.
"No, I'll grab something on the way."
Sadness began to weigh my chest as I witnessed how aggressive her movements were, and I heard no grace in the way she talked at all. I would love to burden myself with questions in my head—what did I do wrong? Why is she mad? Is it because of me or something else? However, I had fallen too hard for the disappointment I received and didn't get to focus on such thoughts. Her behaviour made me sad, and I had been telling myself that it was fine. It was never fine.
"Make sure you clean everything before you leave, I don't want to come home from a tiring work to dirty dishes in my sink."
"Have I ever left a mess in your house, Lisa? You're mad at me like I have done that before."
She turned her head to me after she swallowed the water in her mouth, eyes glaring with anger this time.
"Excuse me?" She gritted her teeth, probably didn't expect me to talk back to her. "What did you just say?"
"Why do you have to get mad?"
"What?"
"I just wanted to cook you breakfast, you don't have to act this way."
"Chae?"
"Everything I do is wrong to you."
"Chae?!"
I was startled by the shake that was given to my body and saw Lisa's worried face in a flash of an eye. I took a quick look at her hands, both were grasping my shoulders firmly with no sign of drinking glass at all. She didn't hold any glass, she was holding me.
"Baby?" She called softly and brought her hand up, cupping my face with a familiar tenderness she was blessed with. "Hey?"
"Lisa-" I stuttered, feeling the panic rushed into me when I finally realised everything that just happened was only my own imagination of the woman I used to love. "Lisa..."
She slowly leaned in, giving a peck on my lips before she showered me with her care.
"Are you alright?" She asked, slightly brushing my hair. "Who you were talking to?"
I just looked at her as my mind puzzled. I had no idea how to answer that question, let alone providing an explanation that would satisfy a demanding detective. Sooner or later, she would start getting suspicious of me if I continued to have my past playing in my brain—images of the Lisa I lost in the Lisa I loved, which had become a mystery for me that how those two messed up my imagination. Am I getting delusional? Why did I see a woman who was no longer here with me? She is gone. She is long gone.
"I'm so sorry" I smiled a little, trying to ease myself. "I don't know what happened"
"You made me worried, baby..." She lowered her touch as she was rubbing my arm now. "You looked like you were about to cry."
"I'm sorry-"
"Did I upset you?" She asked. "I was just asking what were you cooking."
"No! Lisa, no" I groaned, holding onto her neck. "I don't know what happened, I swear" I rested my forehead against hers. "It felt like a dream, maybe I was dreaming."
"You were daydreaming?"
"I could be" I giggled as she pulled me close, feeling her lips on my temple when she gave me a few kisses there.
"How are you feeling now, sweetheart?"
I squeezed her in my arms, stretching my mouth for a wide smile as I felt the warmth in my cheeks. I was still adjusting and getting used to the baby call she gave me, and she just added a new one for me to handle. I was bad at it!
"I'm feeling good, Lisa."
"Are you sure?" She gave me another kiss on my skin, and I nodded. "Alright, let's have breakfast somewhere, shall we?"
I pulled away instantly, arms still clinging around her.
"Why? I can cook for you."
"I know, baby, you make the best breakfast" She smiled. "But let me treat you this time since I can't cook" She kept stroking my back as she spoke, making me distracted with her charm. "I still have time, and today is also your day off" Lisa continued. "I want you to take a break from cooking, just for today."
I knew she was still worried about me. Lisa might look calm as if she had forgotten about things that bothered her mind, but being her girlfriend for almost 2 months now had taught me how to read her carefully. She was no longer talking about the daydreaming incident earlier, but she was trying to convince me not to cook, which was clearly a sign that she didn't believe I was okay.
As far as I loved the way she cared for me, I had been sleeping at her place for so many times not to prepare breakfast for her. There was no morning I ever let Lisa go to work without tasting the food I cooked for her. And this morning was no exception.
Clearing my throat, I trailed my hands around her neck and massaged her shoulders slightly.
"Thank you so much, Lisa" I uttered. "But can I please cook for you?"
"Chae, I just told you my plan" She giggled like she couldn't believe I dissed her offer without any consideration.
"But I need more time with you before you leave" I poured my thoughts out and her eyes softened. "You know how busy it is in the morning, we might need to wait for a table."
It was Lisa who paused her words this time, probably thinking whether she should convince me harder or accept my opinion on having breakfast at a restaurant. But it didn't take long for her to wet my mouth with her kiss, going for a longer stroke of lips rather than just pecking. And I found myself smiling while she still had my lips in between hers as I was so flustered by the way she kissed me. I thought if she didn't stop soon, we might end up in bed again.
"Alright" She breathed out when she broke the kiss. "You're lucky I love you."
Giggling, I pushed her a little. "The usual?"
"Yes, please..."
Lisa freed me from her embrace, walking towards the kitchen island while I placed myself close to the stove again.
I reheat the skillet on full heat, putting the butter straight in since I didn't want to waste more time. My girlfriend had to leave for work later, and I didn't want her to be late because of me. But as I was preparing two slices of bread on the cutting board, I heard Lisa talk to someone that wasn't with us.
"Hello? Ryan? It's Isaac"
I didn't turn to look at her, I was just listening to the conversation she had on the phone.
"I need to inform you I can't go to work today."
My hands stopped automatically when I heard that, waiting for the next words that would come out from her mouth.
"I'm not feeling well."
I placed the bread in the skillet, letting it cooked with the butter and breaking an egg into a bowl right after.
"Yeah. Thank you, Ryan" She paused. "You too, have a good day."
I didn't hear anything after that, assuming that Lisa had ended the call. I got two concerns in my mind, and one of them was about her not feeling well. I started to worry, thinking that she should have told me if she wasn't fine. Plus, she looked great and energised, I couldn't tell if she was sick or something.
But another issue that bothered me was about her not going to work because of me.
I hoped that wasn't the case, yet I didn't want the first thing to be true either.
"Lisa?"
"Hmmm?"
"Are you alright?" I asked, pouring an egg into the pan after the bread was done. "Do you have a headache?"
"I'm fine, baby" She chuckled. "Don't worry."
"Then why didn't you go to work?"
Lisa didn't answer me fast, but I heard her footsteps instead, coming towards me, and I couldn't look at her pretty face because I had to focus on the egg yolk. It must not be runny, half-cooked, or well cooked. Lisa didn't like to have it any other way than almost cooked, which I had spent a week to master on how to make it perfect.
"I'll tell you why" She whispered as her arms catching my waist, planting a kiss on my shoulder before she pressed her front against my back. "But first, you need to promise me something."
"Okay, what is it?"
"If I tell you, please don't ask me to go to work" Her lips moved to the crook of my neck like she was trying to distract me from my cooking. "Because it's hard to say no to you."
I smiled, getting flustered and curious at the same time, so I just agreed with her without even considering the promise she asked me to make.
"Sure, Lisa. Please tell me."
"You said you need more time with me" She gave her answer. "And I'm worried about you being alone at your place, Natalie will not be there."
"I'll be fine, Lisa" I giggled, taking out the egg before putting another one in. "That's just how it is whenever I'm having a day off."
"I know but what if you daydream again?"
I knew it. She was actually worried about that.
"It wasn't even that serious for you to abandon your work, Lisa."
"Baby, you promised me."
She sounded like she was sulking, so I sighed to my defeat, thinking that she just cared for me. Lisa would never put her responsibility aside without a good reason. Nobody had the rights to doubt her integrity as a detective. She was a hardworking woman with a good reputation, which was why I felt so guilty to trouble her at that time. But as a lover and her girlfriend, I had to consider her feelings as well. I knew how hard it was to constantly think and worry about someone you loved. Plus, Lisa had a disorder that made everything a lot harder for her.
If only I could ease anything for my Lisa, I would.
"Alright, I'm sorry" I laughed a little, feeling how excited she got when she tightened her grip around my body. "Please sit down, Lisa. I'm almost done"
"No, I want to watch you cook."
"You can watch me from the barstool."
"I need a close-up."
"And you're squeezing me."
"I have to, you are so warm."
"I'm cooking, Lisa, of course I'm warm."
"No, you always feel like this. I love hugging you."
I couldn't even recall the other things she teased me about after that or the stuff I said just to sustain the happiness she gave me. But what I remembered the most about that breakfast was how kind and loving Lisa was; staying at home and cuddling with me in front of the TV while watching my favourite series, just because she was worried of something that she or I could explain.
If she doesn't feel good about leaving me alone, what's going to happen to her when it is me who has to leave this universe one day?
Just a daily reminder:
Chae said yes.