Lavinia tried not to think too much about that night she had spent crying on the floor of Sirius's room. She tried not to think too much about the day that had preceded it either. Both were painful. It wasn't just the spiral she'd gone stumbling towards or the awful mistake that she'd almost made. No, it was the fear in Sirius's voice, in his eyes, the way he'd held her like he was afraid that if he let go, she might shatter. The way she thought he might have been right about that last bit.
She had thought, stupidly, she now knew, that she could hold it in, that she could keep her stress and worry and fear to herself. That it wouldn't be too much. That it wouldn't explode. But it had. Like it always did.
She knew Sirius saw it now, knew by the way he kept a closer eye on her and seemed to be at her side more often. He waited up for her when she came back from her night shift, despite the late hour, and when she woke up for work, he woke up with her. He had started making her breakfast, handing it to her that first day with raised eyebrows as though daring her to refuse. She hadn't.
And though she felt guilty, though she hated to make him worry, she couldn't deny that it was nice. Nice to be reminded just how much he cared. Nice to remember that someone was looking out for her even when she wasn't. And she knew she hadn't been these past months. She knew she'd been walking a fine line, pushing off the inevitable until it was so much worse than it had to be.
The stress had begun building faster than she had thought possible in those early months of the new year. It wasn't that this was new and it wasn't like the nightmares had come out of nowhere but... but they'd gotten so much worse as she was left alone more often. So much worse when she was the only living, breathing thing in the house and there was no one to run to when she jerked from a sleep with cold fear in her veins.
And that was another problem. She had realized at some point that she had wanted, desperately wanted to run to someone. And she should have. She knew she should have. But when Remus and Sirius came home with their faces so tired and their eyes so dull, she hadn't been able to bring herself to add her own problems to what they were already facing. So she'd stayed silent and kept her mouth shut and let it build and build until it broke. Until it wasn't just the strain of living during wartime. Until it wasn't just a bad day at work. Until it wasn't just one conversation or one night she'd spent trying to comfort Sirius, trying to ease his stress, trying to convince him that his friends would be okay because they could take care of themselves. Even when she herself didn't believe a word out of her own mouth.
And that day...
She had somehow forgotten that it was her friends and family on the other side of this. Or maybe forgotten was the wrong word, because it had never slipped her mind that it was true but... but she had forgotten what it meant. And it had come crashing down on her with a force and fury she hadn't anticipated.
Because it hadn't just been a concept or a theory or the idea of her friends and family. It had been William. It had been her little brother. And seeing him... all the guilt of leaving had returned mixed with this new guilt, this fear of what he must think of her. And this hollow shame and grief for the part of his life she had missed.
He had grown and not just physically, though he was undeniably taller than the last time she'd seen him. And he was an adult. She had missed his seventeenth birthday. She had missed those last precious years of his youth and standing in front of her hadn't been the little boy she remembered, but an adult. A soldier with the face of her brother.
And she hadn't known how to reconcile that, not when her wand had been pointing at him. Not when she'd attacked him. It had been years - years - since she'd sent any sort of attack at anyone. And yet it had been so easy.
It had scared her, more than she knew it should have, but there were too many fears tangled up in there, too many memories of the girl she had been who hadn't hesitated to raise her wand. Who hadn't hesitated to fight. And she had been struck, not for the first time, by the knowledge that she didn't know what had happened to that girl. That girl who would have defended her friends no matter the cost. Who wouldn't have hesitated to fight for the people she loved. Who had been almost brave.
She was beginning to hate that word. Brave. Brave, brave, brave. She was surrounded by people who were brave. And even though she knew it wasn't logical, knew they cared about her and knew they had somehow made their peace with her cowardice, part of her couldn't help but wonder just how much they silently condemned her for it.
And yet... Sirius somehow didn't. She wasn't sure if he had any idea what those words had meant to her. You're plenty brave enough in my eyes. For waking up. For fighting the quiet battle that even years after the worst of it, was still background noise in her head. Plenty brave enough in my eyes. It had been an absolution. Not for her cowardice which, no matter what he said, she was utterly convinced of, but for the disappointment she had feared, the certainty of failing her friends that had set her spinning and falling so fast. \
Brave enough.
And maybe she was. Maybe it could be enough, even if she did have a coward's heart. Maybe it could even be a good thing, to temper their courage, to remind them that there were other ways of living. Or maybe she was just trying to make herself feel better.
Lavinia sighed and shifted slightly in bed so she could see the clock, doing her best not to dislodge the arm Sirius had around her. She almost never slept alone these days, at least, not while he was home. Which was still far too little for her tastes. But she wasn't going to stop him. Besides, she knew he was doing his best to be there as often as he possibly could. And that was enough. Because it had to be.
Squinting slightly, Lavinia read the time and stifled a groan. She had to get up soon and she didn't particularly want to. Sirius's arms were warm and safe and the blankets were toasty, but she had work. And then dinner with Bertie after her shift where she intended to ask the gentle old man what his secret was. How he could live alone in his little house and not rage at the world for leaving him behind. How he could be so calm and soft when he spoke of the things he had lost. How he had made peace with it all.
Because that was all Lavinia wanted these days. Peace. She wanted peace in the world and peace in her soul. She wanted her head to stop stumbling over too many thoughts and her heart to stop tripping over too many fears. She wanted to be calm. Content. Peaceful. She wanted to learn how to stop running. How to stop wanting to run.
Sighing again, Lavinia pulled herself from her and Lavinia yawned slightly as she pulled herself up into a sitting position, Sirius's arm falling into her lap as she did so. Rubbing sleep from her eyes she glanced down at him. His hair was a mess, as it always was in the morning because no matter how many times she suggested that it would be easier to tie it back, he refused. And beneath the mess of black hair... he really was very handsome. Not that now was the time for thoughts like that but... Well. It was true.
Sirius groaned and opened his eyes, blinking blearily up at her. "What time's it?" he asked, the words a bit slurred.
"8:30," she replied quietly, pushing his hair out of his face and feeling her heart go light and airy inside her. "You can go back to bed," she added, smiling slightly as he wrinkled his nose at the time.
He shook his head and, though he yawned widely, also sat up. "I'll make breakfast," he offered, now rubbing his eyes.
Lavinia's smile stilled slightly, but held. "You don't have to," she reminded him, which did every time he offered. Not that he ever listened.
"Sure, but I'm going to anyway," he replied, stifling another yawn.
Lavinia sighed and nodded, resigned to this and trying to decide for perhaps the millionth time, whether she felt guilty or grateful or both.
Evidently, Sirius was well aware of this because he was watching her with the gently exasperated expression that seemed to be annoyingly common these days. "We've been over this, Vin," he sighed, rubbing her knee slightly. "And you need to let me take care of you."
Lavinia made a noncommittal noise in the back of her throat, but didn't reply. Sirius just sighed again and shook his head. They'd had this argument more than once in the past several days and they both knew they'd get nowhere by repeating it.
"Come on," he murmured, gesturing for her to get up, which she did, closely followed by him. "You go get ready," he told her, one hand on her shoulder. "And I will have coffee waiting when you're done."
Lavinia smiled at that, even as she resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" she asked, shaking her head and looking up at him with a soft smile she didn't show anyone else.
"No idea," he returned, a laughing edge to his voice as his other hand found her other shoulder and they faced each other squarely. "But you're stuck with me."
She snorted at that, and put her arms around her neck, pulling him a bit closer. "Thank goodness for that," she replied, still smiling.
She didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay here, where it was warm and it was just the two of them and there was no danger at all. She wanted to pretend neither of them had responsibilities or commitments. She wanted to live in these moments, wanted to spend her whole life just like this, with her heart warm and his arms around her, loving him, even as the world fell apart around them.
Sirius smiled, the amusement in his eyes and face telling her he knew she was stalling. "You really do need to go get ready," he reminded her, but he didn't pull away.
"Killjoy," she accused him, still not moving.
His smile grew and he shook his head. "One of us has to be practical," he pointed out, but his voice was quieter and Lavinia knew that at least for the moment, he wasn't going anywhere.
She laughed softly. "Gotcha," she whispered, still smiling as she pushed up on her toes and kissed him. She suspected he would have been rolling his eyes under different circumstances, but his arms were tight on her waist and he pulled her up and closer to him and she knew he understood.
Lavinia wasn't usually one to show her affection with physical gestures, but these days, she kept wondering how much time they had. So she stole every moment she could get. And, if she was honest, she kept needing to remind herself that he was still there and not going anywhere. He never mentioned it beyond little teasing remarks that were enough to tell her that he didn't mind, far from it, actually, and she knew he got it. He had always been the more physically affectionate of the two of them, anyway, and though there was still that last line between the two of them that Lavinia wasn't sure if she was ever going to be ready to cross, she had become far freer and far greedier with her kisses, like she could fit all her love into those stolen moments and days between his assignments. Just in case one of these days, he didn't come back.
Now he pulled away, though his hands stayed at her waist. "Go get ready, love," he murmured, his voice a bit hoarse in a way that made her core go hot and liquidy. "You need to eat before you leave."
She scowled at him and he laughed, kissed her again briefly and let go, headed out to the kitchen. Lavinia huffed a breath and turned to her dresser, forcing some very distracting thoughts out of her head. Lately she had begun to understand why James and Lily had rushed everything so much. Why they'd gotten married so young. Why they were having children so young. Not that Lavinia ever thought she'd want children. Actually, the thought of being a mother terrified her, but the rest of it... Yes, she thought, she was beginning to understand that. To want it, even.
But for now she sighed and pulled out a pair of pressed black pants and a pale blue blouse and got dressed before heading to the bathroom to deal with her hair. Because Sirius was right, as Sirius so often was. She really did need to eat before she left, if only to stop him worrying. And, she reminded herself a bit forcefully, because she really did need to start taking better care of herself.
So she did eat and when she departed, his kiss goodbye lingering on her lips, she felt better. She felt lighter and safer and almost, almost normal. Because no matter what hells had happened this month, she had people who cared. And she could see Bertie. Bertie, who was older and wiser and maybe, just maybe, could offer her some advice about how to reach that ever elusive peace her heart so desperately craved.
A/N: So... I meant to do this yesterday but then I got distracted. To the people who DM'd me about it and who I told I'd handle it tomorrow... sorry. I really did mean to and I'm just forgetful. Anyway, to the point: Is there interest in a face claim? I'll be honest, I didn't start with one, I just kinda had an image in my head, but having done wayyyy too much poking around the internet bc there were a few requests and nothing felt perfect, I have actually found something that works shockingly well and is very close to how I pictured our lovely Lavinia. If there's interest in this, I can find a way to publish that, but idk if people want it... I don't know if people find it annoying if they have an idea in their head already and something contradicts it? Or if it would be helpful for people? But idk. Let me know. Also, don't even ask for a face claim for Sirius bc there is nothing in my head when I write him. Literally just JKR's descriptions and any image would be wrong. Just saying. Plus, like, there's an actor for that. He did the movies, that's canon so there we go. Actually, the actor's hair is wrong and it kills me but whatever. We don't need to get into issue with the HP movies bc that is a gigantic rabbit hold no one has time for.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoy and I'll be back again tomorrow!