Author's note: Hi All! Thank you for reading, again I appreciate each and every reader!
Hmm...So I've been thinking, you do guys think it's better if I actually name my chapters?
let me know!
As always please comment + vote
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Love, what is Love?
It's a question that I have no answer to, a simple definition doesn't truly define the depth and breadth of the simple 4 letter word.
I love Henry. I've said it to myself multiple times during our relationship. He means the world to me; his happiness is mine. I love Henry. I miss him when he's gone and ecstatic when he is around.
So then, why? Why do I feel guilty? What is this odd feeling that I can't explain? There's this sick heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach as if I was saying goodbye to something.
You would think after 22 years on this planet, I would understand the depth of love. I should be able to figure out this mess of a cocktail of feelings.
"What's got you so stressed, my dear?" Rosalina chimes in, she pulls me out of my entangled thoughts. Her hand rests on mine softly as she looks at me with concern. She reminds me of a favorite aunt, the caring and kind-hearted aunt that you can run to for everything. I see her as more than just a boss. I'm grateful to have her in my life, she understands the workload I have from Graduate School and supports me fully. I'm lucky enough to study while at work if all the customers are served, I can sit down and focus on my assignments.
She knows I'm here alone in this city. Roselina makes sure I feel 'at home.'
"You've been staring at the same page for over a half an hour," she points down at my opened textbook.
Her soft wrinkles are a little more defined when she softly chuckles at me.
"You can't tell me it takes you a half an hour to read a title, Sweetheart."
My lips are pursed together, trying as best I could to contain my frustration. After all, it's been a month, and Henry's completely disappeared off the face of the earth. He hasn't responded to any of my texts or calls. It was foolish to think that he would never do something like this to me. I mean we've been through so much together, how does one just leave abruptly like that? To a whole different continent.
"Well?" Roselina raises an eyebrow and sits across the round table. The settling Sun kisses her black curls and gives it a hint of dark brown I never noticed until now. She takes the bunch of hair, tying it into a bun before fixing herself into the seat more comfortably, expecting a long conversation.
"Rosie..." It was hard to say it out loud, but Roselina's leaned towards me, her hands are folded together, patiently waiting for me to continue. There's a small smile that cracks through her soft features. She nods, encouraging me to continue.
"What is love?" It sounded even more silly when it came out of my mouth. But Roselina's smile widened, there's a spark of excitement in her brown eyes. She takes a moment to breathe in before looking away from me. Her eyes are moving like she was trying to find the right words somewhere physically.
"Love. That's a very complicated thing to define, my dear," another sigh leaves her.
"Love comes in different forms. They're all unique in their ways, but all equally important. I love my husband as much as I love my mother, but it's a different type of love, you see?" I don't say much and let her continue.
"It does things to people that are uncontrollable, feelings that overwhelm and take control of your body and mind. Whether it is a love, a parent has for their child, or one for a friend, a love between a husband and wife. Whatever it may be, it takes over logic. It's not about how smart you are or even rational. It's more complex than that." Her eyes focused on the front of the store behind me, squinting from the warm ombre rays of the Sun.
"Why are you asking me this?" she tilts her head when she asks me the obvious question. Her slim finger taps against her chin, curious.
"I...love my friend. He and I have grown up together. He makes me happy. We have great memories, and the bond we have is so strong. He understands me on a different level than most people in my life."
"But...?" I don't know what gave it away, but Roselina knew that wasn't just it. I mean, if it was, I would have been happily dancing around and not staring at the words 'CHAPTER 24: LAWS OF NORTH AMERICAN TRADING' on a white piece of paper.
"I think he likes me...or loves me...? I should be happy, shouldn't I? I mean, I just told you I love him and how much he means to me. So how come I feel guilty and wrong. I can't explain it."
She says nothing but sits quietly, still leaned towards me.
"I hid something from him because I didn't think it was a big deal. He found out through another friend of mine and got extremely upset. Like he was offended. He was angry enough to ignore me for a full month. He's left the country and said his salutations to our friendship. I'm truly disappointed in him, to be acting out like that... A friend thinks it's because he loves me that he's acting irrationally. So why am I not happy? Why is there this uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach like I did something wrong?" I find myself rambling on.
Her smile softens, and her hands reach over to mine.
"Ellie, there is a difference between loving and being in love with someone. Perhaps your friend reacted the way he did because he is in love with you, maybe that other friend of yours is right." her brown eyes relax when she speaks to me.
"As I said before, love makes you act irrationally. Emotions are amplified. Maybe he was upset to find something out about you from someone else, and not you." I didn't need Roselina to tell me that Henry was in love with me, and I was not. I think a part of me always knew he loved me that way, but I couldn't accept it.
Maybe it was denial, I just thought he cared for me. He goes out with other girls all the time, I was just that 'best friend' kind of girl. Why can't a guy and a girl just be friends? Why do feelings have to be a part of it? What's wrong with us human beings? Why must we be so complicated?
Alex says that being in love with someone is a deep and impactful feeling. Something he sees in Henry.
It wasn't infatuation, so he says. Without any context, Alex just assumes that Henry is head over heels for me. Alex says that all Henry focused on was me, and only me. It didn't matter whatever else was happening around him. His reaction to finding out about the first night I met Alex was the nail to the coffin.
But what does Alex know? He's only met the guy once. Why would he plant ideas to stir up my emotions? Most importantly, why does he even care?
What sane person says something with that much implication before leaving? It sometimes feels like there's an intention behind his words, causing this much traction between Henry and me.
I seriously envy Alex's ability to be so self-contained; it's impossible to decipher his thoughts and motives.
The Prince keeps himself reserved, and it's unfair. He just intrudes into my personal life, yet I had no idea he was leaving for New York. Alex said nothing, I had to find out like everyone else - through the News. Yet he thinks he has the right to peer in and disturb my peaceful and happy life. How dare he.
"Ellie," I must have been buried in my thoughts again when Roselina calls for my name.
"You're young, don't get too overworked about this. If Henry's truly your friend and cares about you, he'll come through and work this out. You'll figure things out, don't feel guilty — feelings are not really by choice. It just happens. So don't feel like you're doing anything wrong" Roselina always knows what to say.
"Thanks," the words came out more like an exhale. Roselina gets up and leaves me be.
The rest of my shift was monotonous, just like any other day the past month. The same regulars came in and ordered their favorite pastries and drink. The warm sun has already gone, it leaves the Cafe quiet and lusterless. The chattering and sounds of a busy bakery have diminished into a soft buzz of the fan blasting through the warm air that keeps this place cozy.
Roselina has gone for the day, she's left me responsible to close up shop. I figured tonight, I'll take a nice bath and enjoy some me-time like I have every night since Alex left. I had no one to annoy me as if his existence in my life was just a dream.
Just like Henry, I haven't heard anything from the Prince. I don't want it to bother me, what was I expecting anyway? A life long friendship? I wasn't that naive. But I couldn't deny that having someone around in an unfamiliar place was better than coming home every night to no one but my books and a glass of wine.
At least I know my way back home with my eyes closed. I find myself hugging my coat tighter when the autumn wind whistles through the tall buildings, uninvitingly sending chills down my spine. The leaves are dancing in the cold mid-air, landing beneath the soles of my boots, crunching with every step.
It doesn't take long before I'm back home, the warmth is sudden when I take a step into the loft. Jessica knows when my shift ends, and the amount of time it takes me to come home. Just as I settle in, my phone vibrates. Jessica's name pops up on my screen. I am forever grateful to have her in my life, she keeps me sane through her insanity.
"Hey"
"So..." I knew exactly what she was asking with just that one word alone.
"No," I replied, and just like me, she knew what I was talking about.
"Still? Wow, I knew he was stubborn, but not to this degree. He's ridiculous. So what if you don't tell him everything, what's it to him?" Jessica is always defensive when it comes to me, but I had to agree with her, he was taking it too far.
"He'll eventually come to. I hope" It was all I could say, Jessica also had suspicions that Henry had something for me, suddenly something that was never talked about became an obvious thing.
No man would be 'just friends,' they always want something more. She claims I was ignorant and foolish.
"He turned me down! That clearly says something, he's in love with you," she would say to me. Why couldn't anyone tell me this earlier, instead of it being slapped in my face all at once?
"Well, what about the other guy" she doesn't know who he is, just that his name's Alex and he met me back in the city. If she knew who he was - knowing Jessica like the back of my hand, she would be acting the same way Henry is now. But it didn't matter anyway, he was just a speck of a moment in my life. He's gone as well.
He will forever be known as Alex to both Jessica and Henry, and that's completely fine by me. After all, he was just a distant memory.
"That guy was just a nobody, it doesn't matter. Just sucks that he fucked up my relationship with Henry,"
"Hun, don't blame anyone but Henry. How he reacted was ridiculous. You know that." Jessica was right.
"Sucks that the Alex guy is gone, it would've kept everything interesting." Jessica had already drained me with questions about Alex when I first told her, she's finally accepted that I didn't want to talk about him and that he was just someone I once knew. That was it.
"School's been good by the way" I answered a question that was never asked. You'd after the number of years I've known my best friends I would be used to her not talking about anything other than guys, but I still try ... a hopeless fight.
"Why? What guy have you met?" I couldn't help but roll my eyes, confident that she knew I was doing just that.
"School's been good because the courses have been exciting, and I got a perfect score on an assignment I was working on. My mock thesis review came back, I passed with flying colors!" I ignore her interrogations and proceed to have the conversation I wanted.
"Ugh, boring as ever" I can see it, she's twirling her hair and rolling her eyes back at me.
"Well, deal with it. You knew what you were getting into when you decided to be my friend."
We spend the rest of the night talking about her job and the hot guy she's been talking to, some guy named Austin from the UK on a work permit. In her own words, she describes him as a smoldering sexy 'beast.' She truly is out of this world with her odd description of men. When it comes to dating, she mirrors Henry. They are both very open with their sexuality and have exceptional experience in the relationship area. She's been keeping herself busy, it's never a dull moment with Jessica. Sometimes I wish I could have her personality, carefree, and bubbly. Maybe then, little things wouldn't bother me as much as it did.
I guess I'll have to settle with living precariously through Jessica, her excitement is mine. I sometimes wish I could tell her what's been going on with me for the last couple of months. How crazy it's been, keeping it to myself, makes it feel like make-believe. It feels as though I'll realize it was all just my imagination if I say it aloud. Sometimes I feel like I haven't accepted that it was reality. It's an odd feeling.
When Jessica hangs up, the quietness creeps back. The silence makes for a louder mind. There are things I've learned to block out, yet I find myself bothered. I kept telling myself how irritated I was with Henry for doing what he did. I thought my mind was flooded with him, the fact that he's in love with me —or so everyone else says— and that he's left.
But somehow the thoughts drift to someone else. My frustrations were towards Alex. No matter how many times I've tried to convince myself that the logical reaction would be to move on, I find myself asking questions.
It seemed foolish of me. To think Alex would become a good friend of mine. Was I wrong to look forward to the nights he came over to just sit and watch a movie with me? What was this feeling I have, it's annoying.
I hate that my heart jumps when someone knocks on my door, it's silly to be hopeful about something as minuscule as Alex showing up at my place, only to be disappointed that it's never him. The worst part of all of this was that I had no one to talk to about this ordeal. I can't vent and let out my frustrations. No one can know because he's Prince Alexander.
As a habit this past month, my fingers danced on the screen of my phone. The phone rings around 8 times before I hear his voice, "Hey! You've reached Henry's voice mail. Leave me a message, and I'll get right back to you!" Just like that, every night I've called, all I've received was a voice message.
He may not pick up his phone now, maybe not next week, but I know Henry. He will come to, and for my selfish reasons, I hope he does.
~
Author's note: Do you think Henry is overreacting, or you understand where he is coming from?
Comment + Vote!!
xoxo
love, Alma