-some people are worth the pain-
Kivanc
Kivanc couldn't concentrate. Speeding down the empty roading with the evening sky high up, he was losing grip. His bike was shaking. There was a bump in the road, a small sensation, yet he didn't bother because his heart...it was so weighted and heavy.
All his life, he unconsciously chased after normalcy; finding the woman who made his heartbeat and made him feel so alive. He had believed that it was just a fool's wistful dream. He had steeled his heart, rotten his senses to blend in his father's world and stop bothering, until he found her. Now thinking about her, Lina...her smile...the way she shyly hid her smile behind her hands and looked at him with so much adoration...it was so painfully heartwarming and breath-taking. Kivanc increased the speed of his bike as emotions hit him hard.
He loved her. He loved her so much that it hurt.
He thought of the time when he first saw her as a spoiled girl with captivating eyes, wondered about living in a moment where he didn't know the truth, didn't know about her kind smiles and the way she brightened his world. But then again, what would a world be where he hadn't got to meet Lina, fall in love with her: the love of his life. He was miserable, alone and had stopped caring about anyone, and then she came...
The way she laughed, smiled, held onto his arm as he shared rotten pieces of his heart. It had started with a slap on the cheek and ended up in completing stealing his heart.
Now moving past speed-breakers, Kivanc looked at the darkened and nearly empty streets welcoming him with so much bleakness. They were cautioning him that the payment of his sins was near. The midnight criminals had lurked towards the corners and the eerie sensation of poverty mixed with unhealthy torture was resurfacing in the air.
Turning towards the alleys that led to Food Street, he knew that it was time. He had to tell her. This was the promise he had made to his soul. Yet, for the first time in his life, his powerful fists and strong demeanour felt trembling with a terribly-lonesome weakness. The darkness roared out loud.
Life with Lina had been such a welcoming surprise. It felt worth being a warrior. She made him happy...so fortunate. And, for him, a life without her would again lose its colours. He wanted to scream out to the world that he loved his woman, that a criminal, like him had found his woman.
Disgusted and devastated; a soul-jolting pain arose as he imagined how Lina was going to react to his truth. Just imagining the look on her face as she listened to his involvement made him squeeze the bike handles again in pain and keep staring at the darkened gravel of the road. The intensity of his emotions made him realize that he had been naive to think that he would be better than her ex and so bravely confess the reality.
He had been so arrogant when he had judged Lina's first husband for not being brave enough, been was so sure that he wouldn't be a coward and take care of Lina, but when his father had announced the time of Lina's first husband to be punished, something horrible had settled in Kivanc's heart. It was dread, intense fear... it was the cost. Just when he had got to know about her personality, got to laugh at her jokes, he had realized that he could lose it all because of his mistakes and responsibilities.
Now closing his eyes in misery, Kivanc imagined a fantasy where he could live a normal life with Lina and their little Feri. He imagined himself as an average corporate employee and pictured a scenario where he would drive back home with his wife and child-welcoming him while sporting huge, warm grins. There would be no mafia business, no hurtful wounds and reasons.
Like an everyday dad, he would playfully tease his wife over her extensive shopping habits, spoil his children, and despite his habits of nagging about his wife, he would secretly be in complete love with his wholesome family. This was his dream.
Yet, a sudden bump in the road made him open his eyes again and stare at the darkness lingering around him with immense pain. The truth was that no matter how hard he imagined, his life was far from normal. Despite how hard he pretended, simple emotions and family life for him were too costly. He couldn't afford normalcy.
Roaring his bike down the streets of a neighbourhood so drowned in misery and poverty, he finally reached his apartment building. Getting off his bike, he stared at the building with such forlorn pain but then sighed, nodded to himself and steeled his emotions. He had learned how to control and compose his emotions...never show tender feelings. All his life, he had been taught to keep his vulnerabilities at bay. Now was the time to test his strength.
***
"Lina..."
"Kivanc, Zeba just called. She said some men shoved Mehdi in a van, in front of the house, and drove away. I am worried." Still holding the phone receiver while standing near the phone table, Lina had just turned to face Kivanc when her expression turned alert and alarmed at the sight of his sombre and serious expression.
The worry for Mehdi vanished as she eyed Kivanc with concern and curiosity. She was just a few feet on his right side, slowly placing the receiver down.
"What is wrong?" She asked with stress.
The change in her expression made Kivanc breathe in and sport an expressionless look. It would be easier that way.
"There is something I want to tell you, Lina..."
"Yes?" She moved away from the phone table, taking an urgent step towards him. His expressions were terrifying her. He seemed too stiff, sombre and serious, his voice lacking any emotions as he stared straight into her eyes.
"I know who took Mehdi...where he is right now."
"I-I-"
"I was supposed to marry you. You, Feri...they was supposed to be my gifts." He continued, not wanting to stop. His heart felt like bleeding and this was the spilling of his sins. He folded his hands behind his back to sound more strong and more confident, ignoring the sudden-blanched expressions of Lina.
"Kivanc, I don't understand..." Her stance started faltering. A weak and shaky smile appeared on her face, as she moved to grab her husband's arm in a supportive manner.
"My father is the Mafia King. And I fought to be chosen next in line. I wanted to tell you this before, but it wasn't the time."
"No...No..." She started shaking her head in sheer denial, jolting his arm slightly to make him backtrack. Seeing the rampage of her emotions immediately made Kivanc turn his gaze straight towards the wall on the other side of the room. He couldn't look at her, he couldn't stay calm and strong if he managed to catch a glimpse of her pain. He needed to stay in control to confess. He couldn't afford to break at the moment.
"I decided to punish your husband in this manner. " He continued with the onslaught in a monotone, not sparing any softness to the blunt cuts. "I decided to ask for you and Feri as a gift-"
Slap!
The solid sound of a resonating slap echoed in the air. Kivanc's face snapped towards his right side in deep pain. The agony, pain of his emotion, his heartbreak...the force pushed it out of the bay. A slightly muffled sound of agony escaped from his soul.
The stiffness of his soul-shaking and his facade dropped momentarily as he turned back to see Lina standing before him with huge tears frantically down her red cheeks, and her eyes gleamed with so much misery, shock, pain and anger. She was breathing in fury, her soul shaking with so much hurt and a strong sense of betrayal.
"Lina, it is not like that. I didn't know it was-" He tried to grab her hand, but she stepped away from him like a wounded creature-so disgusted and furious.
"Enough!" With huge tears brimming her eyes-blurring her path-and sobs escaping, she simply shoved past him and headed out of the apartment. Her anxious and desperate footsteps could be heard stepping outside and rushing away from the apartment. She was escaping his presence.
Having her gone, Kivanc finally allowed his destroyed-broken heart to make an appearance, his emotions to spill out of his facade and sank to his knees in pure devastation and agony. He felt like his heart, his strength, everything had gone along. His empty fists slammed against the ground in a merciless show of temper, frustration and deepened melancholy, and a roaring growl of misery escaped from his soul yet soon his aggression morphed into a liquid hot sense of sheer, vulnerable pain, and he covered his face while surfacing in the pure feeling of torture, sobbing lightly to himself.
What had he done?!
***
Lina
There was scorching pain. In a magnificent world, I looked around at the empty streets and felt a wicked sense of loneliness induced by betrayal torturing me. The crickets of the insects were profound at this moment. The streets were nearly empty, with some men already setting down some mattresses on the floor to get prepare for the night.
I sniffed and hiccuped as my tortured emotions spilt out.
There was poverty and so much foreign coldness. The night, it was once again my sole companion. Tears, emotions and so much hurt accompanied by disbelief- everything was dripping down my cheeks as I folded my arms tightly, shivering and trembling, and walked aimlessly down the pavement.
I couldn't believe it.
Kivanc...h-he...
I didn't know what to think, what to believe. Kivanc-the Mafia Heir. It was such a surreal and mind-boggling thought. The world was too small. I couldn't believe that I had married the man whom I hated the most, who took away my happy ending. How I had been led straight towards the man who wanted to treat me as a possession.
Marina; I was sure she knew about this, knew about her dear nephew's life. How could she do this to me? The people whom I considered my family...how could they do this to me? So this was Kivanc's side business. All the lies told to me. And to think that I had fallen so deeply for someone who had been playing me as a fool. I couldn't believe it.
The agony, the hurt...
Again, I was taking refuge under the open sky. Again, a man had me out in the open, hurting so badly. And this time, the pain was devastatingly crushing. Kivanc...I remembered his smiles, and our happy moments and then closed my eyes in excruciating pain. All this time, I had just been a plot. H-He was the reason my happy home got destroyed. What was the point of carrying this charade? What had he planned? Did he marry me because of this reality?
The hurt grew intense as I thought of all the apparent signs.
'I have made a mistake'
'Does those mistakes include destroying someone's life?'
These were the words spoken back by him back when I had run away from Mehdi, I left him at the hospital and hid in a park-sat on a lonely swing. These were his warning...the signs. I remembered his worries and promises.
"I won't promise you that there aren't any issues hidden from you.
"I wouldn't betray you, won't ever choose another. I will always be a shield for you and our Feri."
This was his confession when I had caught up with him in the forest. But, why? How? It was making no sense.
Closing my eyes shut in agony, I found myself trailing down the empty streets of the food street. Memories of riding down the bike with Kivanc, Marina's closed restaurant...everything seemed to be taunting me. I couldn't understand why Kivanc did this. His father was brutal. I knew that...but why did he carry on with his plan? Was this the reason he forced me to marry him? Was I some revenge scheme?
The past few weeks felt like Kivanc and I had been living a dream. I thought he loved me. I thought we were each other's silver lining-true souls in love and facing the pain of similar wounds. He had engulfed my tiny fist in his, had been good to me, my daughter...he had been so sweet, kind and protective. H-he should have told me the truth. He had to have some reasons for abusing my ex, for cruelly taking me in as a form of punishment.
My pain took me back to moments when life was simple. I was unaware of the dark and pained side of the town. Sheltered and adored, I had a sweet and shy husband who loved our daughter. My family was happy. I imagined a world where I hadn't ventured into the world of poverty, where I was blissfully unaware of reality. Yet, then Kivanc; his charming smile, his mischievous sense of humour, the way I had fallen for him...they felt worth facing all this cruelty in life.
I met him when I was at my lowest point, and he uplifted me to the point where I was happy. I had experienced a whole new side of my personality. He made me feel so strong, so confident and deeply cherished.
With my head lowered, I dragged my feet with my shoulders slumped and my heart sobbing a silent and lonely cry. I walked down the gravel, past the fruit shop. The owner's daughter was standing outside. However, instead of enjoying my misery, she was eyeing my broken stance with a compassionate and concerned look. I eyed her momentarily, weakly smiled and continued walking down the street.
The street lights were flickering. There was just so much darkness surrounding me, with my heart sobbing and spilling under the open sky. I was hurt. Once again I was feeling so terribly alone and abandoned. I wanted to cry out my pain to the darkness, have some wistful air listen...but there was no wisp of warmth.
Upon reaching the dark alley, there were people who were settled on shabby rugs. So many eyes were staring at me. One familiar gaze was noticing me. Saim...he was sitting on the mattress, staring straight at me. His silence and lack of smiles showed that he knew the truth...knew what had happened.
His lack of laughs and jokes made me stop in the middle of the alley. There were too many shadows that hid my small form, kept the audience around me engulfed. The visible lack of energetic happiness, the solemn and apologetic attitude of Saim sitting a few feet away from me, on my right side...it had my heart bleeding.
Overwhelmed by the emotions, I covered my face and cried...collapsed on my knees and simply sat down for a moment. Kivanc...I love him. I love him so much that it hurts. Even more than my ex, in fact far more than my ex, I love him so much. Why did he do this to me? Why did he leave me so stranded and alone? Why did he betray me so horribly? Why did he break my heart like this? The lies, secrets and realities...he played me.
He was the mafia heir who broke my family. He was the person who broke my heart...he was the person who crushed my fantasy, and he was the person who made me experience such wholesome love.
Was it revenge or...continuation of his plot? He hadn't been horrible. Was he mocking my ex by taking his girl and child? There were so many what-ifs...answers I wanted to know. My head was throbbing, spinning with dizziness and immense tension. Kivanc's father was harsh and cruel...but Kivanc had confessed that it was all of his ideas.
After losing control for a few minutes, I finally managed to stand up again and began walking back towards the food street. I didn't know where to go...what to do...what to think. My heart, my head..they were pounding so hard. My shoulders were slumped, my soul was sniffing so many tears. I had to talk to my parents.
However, just as I had paced a few steps ahead, I felt a sudden roaring engine echo from behind me. I jumped out of the way just in time for a red car to stop next to me. I couldn't even register before I was pulled into the car and something injected in my neck.
I sank into unconsciousness, as the driver sat in her seat and began racing the car.
a/n: thank you so much for reading, writing and commenting.
Sorry for the late update. I wanted to write bad...but alas, couldn't. Here, I am back again.