Chapter 38
What Is A World Without Ciel Alfieri?
I carefully slipped out from Ciel’s arms and his thick comforter after staring at him for five solid minutes the moment I woke up.
Gumalaw siya nang kaunti nang makawala na ako sa mga yakap niya. I thought he’d wake up but he didn’t. He just rolled onto a more comfortable lying position.
He was fast asleep and too tired to even notice that I was no longer in his arms.
I smiled, picking up his shirt on the floor so I could wear it to dress up my naked body. It looked like a dress on me. It was loose and it smells exactly just like him.
I crossed my arms on my chest as I stood up on the side of his bed, staring at the sleeping Ciel once more. God, when will I ever get tired of adoring him? Never.
He looks beautiful as he lies on his stomach, one cheek was buried on the pillow while the other one was exposed. He was topless and I can freely see his well defined back that looks firm with his muscles because the only part that his comforter was covering was his lower part. There were even visible red scratches down his back that I’m responsible for.
I always cut my nails and yet I still managed to leave my marks on him.
A soft smile drew across my lips.
“I love you.” I whispered as I watched him sleep peacefully. And I know it wasn’t enough. Those three words aren’t enough to express the deep emotion that I’ve been feeling for him.
I turned my back on him with a soft smile plastered on my face. I roamed my eyes around his room. It was wide, simple, and manly. Just the same as his condo. Minimal design and colors.
He also has a floating shelf on his white walls with figurine airplanes and textbooks that’s all about aeronautics.
He even got a drafting table on the corner of his room just beside his desk. I carefully take steps towards his working desk, nandoon ang phone niya sa may desk katabi ng mga pens at rulers niya.
Pinailaw ko ang phone niya kahit na nakapatong iyon sa desk. My smile grew wide the moment I saw his lockscreen again. It was still the same lockscreen that I saw the other day in the cafe. I opened his phone since it doesn’t have a passcode. I actually don’t mind if it does have and I’m not going to ask him about that. We may be in a relationship but I still respect his privacy. If he cheats, it’s his loss not mine.
My heart thumped as I felt the familiar stir on my stomach the moment I saw his wallpaper. It was still us, sitting on the lounger in Amanpulo but with a different pose. I was smiling widely with crinkles on my nose, he was biting my chin and my fingers are digging through his hot as fuck curls. Pareho pa na namumula ang mga pisngi namin dahil sa sunburn.
Kagat labi kong ini-sleep mode ang phone niya bago ito binaligtad. And there I saw beneath his clear phone case was a polaroid photo of him, Megi, and their mom. Ciel was in the middle wearing his pilot uniform and his arms were wrapped around the shoulders of his mom and sister who were wearing scrubs, side by side. Mukhang hindi pa Captain dito si Ciel dahil hindi pa apat ang stripes na nasa balikat niya. Nonetheless, their smiles here were priceless.
At ang ganda ng Mommy niya. May hawig ito kay Catherine Zeta-Jones. No wonder why Capt. Alfieri junior couldn’t stop talking about her.
“Hey…”
I nearly jumped on my skin when I heard a deep whisper and I felt a pair of strong arms wrapping around my waist. I tilted my head over my shoulder and I saw my baby Captain who just woke up. His curls were disheveled and his eyes were soft and lazy as they stared at me.
“Kanina ka pa gising, hmm?” He asked in his husky voice, giving me a peck on the lips while he pulls me closer to him, making my back meet his bare and broad chest. Wala pa rin siyang shirt. Boxers lang ang suot niya.
“Uh-hmm…” I replied, gently running my tongue on my lips that he just kissed, tasting him there. I even had to fight the urge to do a chef’s kiss.
“Hindi ka nagugutom?” he asked, gently planting kisses on the side of my head, down to the side of my neck.
“No. I’m good. Ikaw, hindi ka nagugutom?” Nakangiti kong tanong sa kanya habang hinahaplos ang mga braso niya na naka paikot sa bewang ko.
He shook his head, resting his chin above my shoulder, staring at the polaroid picture behind his phone. Malalamlam akong napangisi at tiningnan din iyon.
“Dad took that polaroid of us three.” He suddenly said.
Napangiti ako. “It was beautiful.” I commented. “Lalo na ang Mommy mo. Ang ganda-ganda niya.” I added as I kept on staring at their picture.
“Dad loved her so much,” he said. His voice was low and I can sense something in there… Something that he never allowed everyone to see from him.
I didn’t reply. I just kept on stroking his arms as I waited for his next sentence.
“Growing up, I used to have an extremely happy family. We weren’t perfect but we’re happy. My Mom and Dad rarely get home but when they do, we would all spend the time together, making up for those days that they weren’t around… Those were my favorite days. The three of us helping my Mom bake. And then we’ll watch movies after or just go to our backyard and we’ll play volleyball.” He said and when I gave him a quick glance, I saw a smile on his lips, a sad and nostalgic one. His eyes were still fixed on the picture though.
“Megi and I don’t even see my Mom and Dad fight. They may disagree in front of us sometimes but they never yelled at each other or fight with each other when Megi and I can see.”
“I was thirteen and Megi was seven when we both saw my Mom and Dad fight for the first time. It wasn’t just a simple disagreement. They were screaming at each other, yelling words that they would regret after. Megi was scared. I was too. Because that was the first time that I saw something like that… I didn’t know what to do or say to my sister to console her from the fear that she’s feeling because I was terrified that time too. So we just sat down on the floor, with our backs resting on the side of bed, I held her and we both cried.”
A subtle gasp escaped from my mouth as I felt the walls around my heart clenched. One of my hands remained on his arm while the other one flew on his hair, touching him there down to his face. It was my way of showing him that I am here and I’m hurting for him, for the young Ciel Alfieri… and as well as for the seven year-old Megi.
He slightly tilted his face for his lips to meet my palm that was currently caressing his cheek. He pressed a soft kiss there before resting his chin on my shoulder again, holding me tight as he continued his story.
“Since then on, after every two months, you would see them fight. Until two months became every month, and every month turned every week, until it become almost everyday. Dumating nga sa punto na hindi na kami umiiyak o natatakot ni Megi sa tuwing nag-aaway sila kasi nasanay na kami. Them screaming at each other was nothing new to us, it became our norm. Kaya nga inaaya ko na lang si Megi na lumabas sa tuwing nag-aaway na naman sila.”
“We would go to the convenient store and we would eat ice cream and I would tell her all the nice things in the world because when she grows up, I want to give her something that she could remember about her childhood, not only the bad, not only the fights that our parents had but also the bond that we had amidst all the confusion and fear that we were feeling. Iyon ang mga bagay na gusto kong balikan niya kapag lumaki na siya.”
Malamlam akong napangiti. “You’re a great brother, Ciel… That’s one of the countless things that I adore about you.” I whispered.
Ngumisi lamang siya at kinintalan ako ng halik sa pisngi.
“How did your parents know that it is time for them to finally call it quits?” I asked him after a few moments of silence.
“It was my Mom… You know, everytime they fight sometimes it was my Dad’s fault but most of the time it was my Mom’s. And she knew that. Dad was always the patient one and my Mom couldn’t just control her temper. She kept on blaming my Dad for not being able to reach for her greatest dream… And that was to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. Nabuntis kasi siya ni Dad noong nag-aaral siya ng Med that’s why Mom had to stop.”
I gasped at his sudden revelation and unaware, tears began falling from my eyes, fast and abundantly.
I looked at him with shock on my face.
“And… the baby… It was you?” I asked in a gasp.
He nodded his head before proceeding to tell his story. And my heart was clenching all the time because I knew that what he was going to confess next is something that would make me fall apart.
“She considered getting rid of the baby at first… She considered getting rid of me but Dad convinced he—”
I gasped turning around to face him and hug him tight like I was holding on for my dear life… I buried my face on his neck as I sob my heart out there because I couldn’t imagine a world without him. I could never imagine how my life would be if he didn’t exist, if God didn’t allow for our paths to cross.
“Oh God…” I sobbed, wrapping my arms around him as hard as I could, not wanting to let him go. How could he keep all these to himself for all these years?
He hugged me tight, stroking my hair as he pressed his lips on the side of my head.
“It’s alright, baby. I’m here. I exist. My Mom didn’t get rid of me…” Pagtatahan niya sa akin. “She didn’t get rid of me not just because my Dad convinced him to. But because she loves me and my Dad. She loved us so much that she’d rather let go of her dreams than to get rid of us both. You have no idea how much she regrets that she considered to get rid of me, Mona.” He carefully explained, stroking my hair while I cried my heart out.
That caused the weight on my chest to lessen. I like how his Mom didn’t blame him for not being able to fulfill his dreams. I like how she loved Ciel. And I want to thank her for not getting rid of this beautiful man, standing in front of me.
“For years we were happy tapos dumating pa si Megi. But my Mom’s insecurities and envy began eating her up… Everytime she sees her batchmates, them being surgeons in their desired field and her being their nurse, the regrets and what ifs will start haunting her again. Si Daddy ang parating sumasalo sa tuwing kinakain si Mommy ng insecurities niya. Dad was hurting too but all my Mom could see was her pain. And my Mom realized that it is not healthy anymore. It is not healthy for them and for us. That is why she needed to do something to put an end to their misery. So, she decided to walk out.”
“Dad, on the other hand, had no intentions on walking out of their marriage despite how rough it was for the past few years. But my Mom… she can no longer hold on because she knew to herself that the more she holds on, the more she would wreck my Dad and her kids apart and it would wreck her in the process too. That’s why she needed to walk out. She needed to save the people she loves, she needed to save herself… and I couldn’t get any prouder, Mona.” He whispered, breaking away from our embrace, making me look at him.
There were tears forming on the corner of his eyes but he managed to give me a warm smile in spite. He cupped my face, wiping my tears using his thumb as his deep brown eyes stared at mine.
“I was so proud of my Mom for being brave to leave and save what’s left on us. Oo, masakit pero ginawa niya kasi iyon ang inisip niyang makakabuti para sa amin. Love doesn’t always mean you have to stay because sometimes love means leaving too. And that’s what she did. She left because she loves us.”
“I am so proud of her for being wise because she knew when to stay and when to walk out. I was so proud of her for leaving… because she did that to save my Dad, to save me and Megi, and to save herself. My Mom is a wise and a brave woman.”
I smiled sweetly at him despite my lips quivering. One of my palms touched his cheek as I stared at him dearly.
“And I’m so proud of you for not letting that rough situation destroy you… I am so proud of you for being able to understand at a young age that saving a relationship doesn’t always mean you have to stay because sometimes the only best way to do it is to just leave. I love you and your maturity, Ciel. You just really know how to weigh things.”
A faint grin slowly appeared on his lips. His hand held my hand that’s touching his face, bringing it to his mouth.
“Can you promise me one thing?” He whispered, looking at me in the eyes.
“What is it?”
“Promise me that when I’m becoming the person that causes your heart to ache and your mind to be in chaos, you would tell me immediately. Tell it to me honestly, Mona so that I could change that in me. Baby, I am dating you because I love you and you’re the only woman that I wanna spend the rest of my life with so you have to promise me. I adore my Mom and Dad but I don’t want us to end up like that…” His voice was low and his words were full of hope and at the same time, pain.
I nodded my head. “I promise, Ciel. I promise.” I whispered, tiptoeing to give him a peck on the lips.
I looked at him on the face while I caress his cheek and his short curls.
“I don’t want us to end up like that too. I don’t want us to have an expiration date. I want to spend all of my years with you.” I told him in all honesty. I know that this may be too soon but I don’t want to hold back. I just want to express how willing I am to stay with him forever.
He smiles. “I want that too.” He whispered, running the back of his fingers on the side of my cheek as he stared at me, delicately.
My lips fell into a slight pout before I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his neck and showering his whole face with my kisses while I tiptoed.
God, I love this man!
He chuckled, wrapping his arms around the small of my back.
I stopped kissing his face, looking at him in the eyes. “You know what? Majority of women nowadays are going crazy for engineers but damn… I am more into pilots.” I said with a groan.
A boyish grin appeared on his lips as he raised a brow at me. “Do you have any specific type of a pilot that you’re into?” Nakangisi pa rin niyang tanong.
Ngumisi ako nang malapad. “I have, actually.” I replied, staring at his features.
“A pilot with deep and dark brown eyes,” I paused, running my fingertip under his eyes.
“A pilot with hot as fuck curls,” I say, running my fingers through his soft and short curls. He smiled at what I did, making that parenthesis-like dimple appear again.
I smiled too, because him smiling was one of my favorite fifty sights of Ciel Alfieri.
“And of course, a pilot with an irresistible dimple.” I said, touching his dimple using my fingertip.
His smile grew wider. “You have a great taste in men.” He complimented, pulling me closer to him. A short chuckle escaped from my lips as I playfully rolled my eyes.
He leaned his face down to mine, looking at me in the eyes with a boyish smirk on his lips. “But you know, technically speaking, I am an engineer too. I had my license as an aeronautical engineer. I’ve designed some aircrafts as well.” He stated, smirking.
I narrowed my eyes at him in a playful manner. “Are you trying to impress me?”
“Is it working?” He asks, still grinning.
“Hell yeah,” I whispered, tiptoeing again to kiss him on the lips. He kissed me back, tightening his embrace on my waist.
He broke away after a few seconds, I tried to chase his mouth back to mine but he placed a finger on my lips, trying to stop me. I frowned. I still want to kiss him!
A low and a delicious chuckle rose from his throat at my reaction. “You can kiss me for how long you want later. But I have to show you something first.” he said, slightly breaking away from me but one of his arms remained on my waist.
I watched him with a little bit of confusion and anticipation on my face as he stretched his arm to reach for the handle of the drawer of his desk.
What is he gonna get there? A condom? But I already told him that I’m on birth control pills.
He pulled it but stopped before he could even fully open it to stare back at me.
He eyed me from my face down to my figure. A teasing smirk drew on his face. “You look hot in my shirt by the way,” he compliments before drawing back his attention to the drawer like he didn’t just make me flush and shiver.
Natawa na lamang ako sabay iling. This silly guy.
I watched him as he carefully slipped something out from his drawer.
My jaw dropped when I saw a piece of paper tore from a sketch pad and it has my face in it.
“Ciel,” was all I could say as I accepted the paper to examine it.
Nasa may hanggang balikat ko lamang ang sketch na iginuhit niya. My shoulders were slightly tilted on the side while my face was slightly tilted up, as if I was staring at skies. My whole face was lightened up, my lips were slightly parted but they were smiling. And even in his sketch, my eyes looked expressive and they were filled with amusement.
Some strands of my wavy hair was flawlessly scattered on my face, as if a minimal wind was blowing my hair.
On the bottom part of the paper, right there on the right side. There was a french phrase written in there above his signature.
Comme un rêve.
I looked up at him. Still amused and overwhelmed. He was just staring at me warmly with a faint grin on his lips, like I’m the most interesting thing inside this room.
“When did you draw this? At… At saan ‘to?” I asked him. My heart was melting at the moment and I’m positive that it’ll turn into liquid at any second.
“Twelve years ago. The night you left… I needed to do something to stop myself from flying to the airport and stop you from leaving.” He replied, shrugging.
Liquid. That’s how I can define my heart at the moment.
“And that sketch,” he paused, giving the paper a quick glance. “It was inspired by the night of our first date… Do you remember when we were standing in the middle of the crowd with a band playing a certain song in front? And then suddenly, a plane passed across the night skies?” He asked, smiling.
I nodded my head. I will never forget that night.
His smile grew wide. “That’s how breathtaking you look while you were staring at the skies that night. I don’t ever want to forget how beautiful you looked that moment, Mona… That’s why I sketched you from my memory.”
And from liquid my heart suddenly evaporated.
I sniffed as another batch of fresh happy and overwhelmed tears began falling from my eyes. “Please tell me the meaning of ‘Comme un rêve’ before I jump and kiss the hell out of you while I thank God inside my head for blessing me such an incredible boyfriend who loves me so fucking much.” Tuloy-tuloy kong sabi habang panay pa rin ang pagtulo ng aking mga luha.
He let out a short chuckle before answering me. “Like a dream,” he said. “Because you always feel like a dream. Anything that involves you always feels like a dream.” He added and I lost it.
“Shit! I’m a woman with pride and dignity but for you, I’d get down on two knees. You hear me, Ciel? I’d kneel and worship the ground you walked on.” Seryoso kong sabi sa kanya.
“Amen.” He said with a grin before dipping his head down, crashing his mouth to mine.